Josh Webber

Josh. 17. Unemployed and single “My greatest fear is this brain of mine….The worst thing imaginable is to be terrified of one’s own mind, the very matter that controls all that we are and all that we do and feel.”

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josh & wyn

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Wynter gave him a quick kiss before laying her head on his shoulder. She didn’t know what she did to deserve Josh, but she must have done something right somewhere along the line. “You’re the best, you know that?”

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Josh nodded and smiled. “You’re better, though.” He said, shrugging. “You’re the best person in my life.. Next to Troy, of course. But nobody can beat him. We shared a womb.” He said with a chuckle.

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josh & wyn

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Slightly out of breath, Wynter smiled and wrapped her arms around Josh, laying on top of him and traced patterns on his chest lightly. “I’m still really sorry about today. I didn’t mean it.” She lifted her head to look at him. “However, that was some pretty great makeup sex.”

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Josh shook his head. “Don’t even worry about it, Wynter. It wasn’t your fault.” He whispered, kissing the top of her head. “And yes. It was pretty fantastic. We need to do that more often.”

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josh & wyn

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[its-josh-webber-blog]

Fifteen minutes later, Josh pulled out and threw the condom in the trash. He lay on his back, breathing heavily and pulled Wynter on top of him. “I love you. I really love you. I don’t want to ever leave you and I don’t want to live without you.” He said, grinning. 

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josh & wyn

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[its-josh-webber-blog]

Josh wrapped his arms around Wynter and kissed her. He unbuttoned her pants and pulled them down her legs slowly, throwing them on the floor. He then unbuttoned his pants and pulled them off as well. “I love you.” He whispered, crawling on top of her and hovering there. “So much.” He whispered as he pulled off her underwear. He took off his boxers and then smiled down at her. Josh grabbed a condom out of her top drawer and opened it, slipping it on. “And I missed you as well..” He whispered to her, gently pushing inside the girl.

[wyn-rhodes]

josh & wyn

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[its-josh-webber-blog]

Josh rolled his eyes. “Okay, smartass. Maybe a lot of hot, steamy sex.” He said, allowing her to pull his shirt off. He did the same with hers, throwing it on the floor beside her bed and kissing her chest. “You are so damn perfect.” He whispered, pulling her up into a sitting position and unhooked her bra. “So very perfect.” He pulled the bra off her arms and tossed it on top of her shirt. He pushed her back down on her back kissed down her chest, sucking on her breasts.

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josh & wyn

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Wynter nodded and lifted her head to look at him. “I mean, I’m really just worried about my family. We’re really tight on everything, and Cami’s already working 3 jobs, so I need to pitch in somehow.” Being pushed on her back, Wynter smiled slightly. “Oh yeah? And how do you suggest?” She asked, moving her hands up his torso.

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Josh chuckled and shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe a little hot, steamy sex?” He asked, smirking and kissing her lips. “It’s been quite a while since we’ve done anything, you know.” Josh moved her hair away and kissed her neck softly.

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josh & wyn

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Wynter shook her head. “I don’t want to either..I’m sorry…” Sighing, Wynter closed her eyes. “We’ve been really tight on money recently, especially with the youngest ones in school. So since it’s summer I took up more spots at Rosie’s, but my throat really hurts so I’m not sounding good and it’s not really helping bring in any more money.”

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Josh nodded and pushed her hair behind her ear, smiling a bit. “You know it isn’t your responsibility to carry everyone in the house, right? We are all adults. We all need to equal out our bills and figure out how to spend smart. It’s not all on you so don’t make it out to be. Don’t overwork yourself.” He said, pushing her on her back and kissing her neck. “You need to take some stress off of yourself, honey.” He whispered in her ear, moving his hands up her sides---her shirt coming up with them to expose the skin there.

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josh & wyn

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Wynter scooted herself towards Josh and leaned her head against his arm. “I’m still sorry…Why aren’t you mad at me? Not that I want you to be, but I partially took my bad day out on you.” She sniffed. “Are you feeling okay now?” She should have asked how he was feeling when she first saw him. 

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Josh shook his head. “I could never be mad at you. I can get aggravated, but never mad.” He kissed her lips and wiped her cheeks. “I’m feeling better.. Tired, but better. I just don’t want to fight anymore.”

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josh & wyn

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Wynter kept her head down, she was too upset at herself to look at Josh. Until she realized that this is why everything happened in the first place. Her being short with him. So with that in mind, Wynter sat up straight and rubbed her eyes free of tears. “I’m sorry that I didn’t want to talk. And that I half assed everything I said. And that I made you feel like I didn’t love or trust you.”

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Josh just shook his head. “I was just being paranoid, Wyn. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to talk. I shouldn’t have yelled at you knowing you had already had a bad day.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “I know you love me. And I know you trust me. I was being stupid. I wasn’t myself this entire day. I should have known I would have an attack as some point.”

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josh & wyn

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Wynter brought her knees up to her chest and put her forehead on her knees, closing her eyes shut. “But I was the trigger…” She whispered into her knees. This had to be one of the worst days of her life. Not the absolute worst, but how low she was feeling right now definitely put it on the list.

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Josh put his hands on either side of her knees and chuckled a bit. “Yeah. And so is a toaster, a cell phone, a light pole... Wynter, stupid shit triggers me. It isn’t your fault I get triggered. If you blamed yourself for everytime I had an attack, you would have to walk on eggshells around me. You couldn’t use the toaster, your cell phone would be broken like mine is...” He chuckled once more and kissed the top of her head. “None of it is your fault. My brain, my problem.”

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josh & wyn

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Wynter looked up at Josh, and after hearing him say it’s okay if she didn’t want to be with him anymore, she started crying again. She shook her head. “I’m so s-sorry Josh. That was all my fault. If I hadn’t been in a bad mood we wouldn’t be arguing and you wouldn’t have that that attack just then. You should be the one breaking up with me! You should be mad at me!” She said inbetween sobs. 

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Josh shook his head. “Don’t you ever blame yourself for my episodes. They aren’t your fault...” He said, taking a deep breath and scanning the room with his eyes---a habit after any attack he had. “I don’t want to break up with you.. I don’t ever want that. I just said if you want that, I would understand. It isn’t your fault, though.. I was born with this shit. Anything could trigger it.”

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josh & wyn

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Keeping her grip on him, Wynter looked at him for a couple moments before dropping her gaze and looking at her lap. “Good,” she whispered, “it worked before, so I hoped it would work again.” Wiping her eyes on her sleeve, Wynter thought about the first time she tried that trick, it was the night he kissed her for the first time. 

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Joshed looked over at Wynter and wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry...” He whispered. “I was being irrational and paranoid and I shouldn’t have blown up on you like that. I shouldn’t have pressured you.. It’s okay if you don’t want to see me anymore.. I understand.” He said in a soft, low voice. He didn’t want to break it off with her, but there was no way she would want to be with him anymore after that.

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josh & wyn

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Wynter couldn’t stop the tears from coming. Godammit this was all her fault. She was never going to forgive herself for this one, and she had a feeling Josh was going to be mad once he came back around. He had every reason to be. Climbing on the bed next to him, Wynter pulled him close to her, rubbing his back. “Count to 300 by 3′s. Do that. Focus on that, please. Don’t think about anything else, just count.” 

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The mocking turned to angry threats as Wynter’s voice had gotten through to him. Josh kept his eyes shut and his hands on his temples as he began counting loudly. “3, 6, 9, 12,...” He began, counting between sobs as the voices tried to get louder. But each time they got louder, so did Josh. He focused on getting the numbers right and if he messed up, he started over. He wasn’t sure how long he counted but the last count got up to 57 before he realized that everything was quiet. “I-it worked...” He whispered.

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josh & wyn

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Wynter could feel the tears freely falling down her face when he started screaming that she didn’t love him. The moment he covered his temples with his hands, she knew that he was now having an episode, and it was all her fault. If she had just pretended everything was fine, this wouldn’t be happening. Muttering curse words at herself, she put her hands on his shoulders lightly and led him over to the bed, making him sit down. “Josh, Josh listen to me. Listen to my voice, not anything else. My voice.”

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Josh tried to look at Wynter, but couldn’t focus on her. He had three separate voices in his head and now Wynter was talking on top of them all. Josh was beginning to panic and he looked around the room desperately searching for the source of the other voices. 

“You’ll never find us.” A mocking tone called out to Josh. He whipped his head to the right and then squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block everything out. 

“Please, stop!!!” He screamed, tears rolling down his face and fear showing clear in his eyes. Josh was terrified. “Make them stop...”

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josh & wyn

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“I offered to cuddle with you! It’s not like I told you to get out or anything! I never said I didn’t want to spend time with you.” Wynter ran her fingers through her hair and told herself a thousand times over not to cry. “You just guilt tripped me right then! Do you think because I don’t want to talk about my bad day that it means I don’t love you?!”

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Josh rolled his eyes once again and looked at Wynter. “It sure as hell means you can’t trust me! So, yes! It does mean you don’t love me! You never did! I’ve just been too damn blind to see it..” He said, his voice trailing off at the end of his sentence as other voices came into play in his mind. He was getting too stressed and it was triggering an attack. ‘i told you so’ was repeated over and over in his head. Josh covered his temples with his hands and shook his head. “I should’ve known.. God dammit! I knew it!” He said, giving in to the voices’ lies.

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josh & wyn

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Standing in the middle of the room, Wynter dropped his hand and crossed her arms again. “I know, and I appreciate that. But I never make you talk about things you don’t want to until you’re ready, so why are you making me? I’m not pushing you away, I just don’t understand why you’re getting mad at me!”

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Josh groaned and rubbed his eyes, shaking his head. “I’m getting mad because I missed you and all I wanted to do was spend time with you but all I got was half assed remarks and a guilt trip! No, you don’t make me talk to you but I want to talk to you because I love you!”