IT'S A BLEAK LIFE

[itsableaklife-blog]

ANXIETY DIARY 6/27/2019

Time started: 5:30pm

Time ended: it’s 7:09pm and my brain is still clouded.

Symptoms: Peripheral vision blurring, clouded thinking, tired neck to shoulders, just wanting to lie down, but I’m forcing myself to write this and do other things to help me calm down, easily - very easily irritated, uncomfortable frontal lobe.

So... After doing some gardening, I just thought of alooooot of things. Just this and that that should have never been a trigger anyway. Again, business stuff, being the eldest and that I should take full responsibility of my parents when I can barely afford to live by myself, Saturday’s testing and session, Monday’s Boracay trip, credit card bill, other bills, life in general. Those thoughts going around in circle. 

Currently trying to watch stuff that will help calm me down. I still need to finish cleaning my room before leaving tomorrow. I don’t want to work out because I’m just to lazy because of the anxiety even if it will help me calm down. And because I still have to do this and that. Anyway, I should just take a bath first and then have some of my relaxing tea. I need to sleep early and wake up really early tomorrow.

Time: 7:17pm. Still anxious. I want a tranquillizer injected on my jugular vein. ugh

[itsableaklife-blog]

ANXIETY DIARY 6/26/2019

Time started: 10am

Time ended: 10:30 - as I was having my early lunch.

I was just browsing through a page in instagram about things some actors wore in dramas along with the brands and prices.  After browsing about 10 posts, my peripheral vision was starting to get blurry again and my mind clouded. I was talking to a friend on messenger, told here about it and it somehow lessened a bit. I had to relax for a while by going in and out of the office and the house.

Time started: Around 3pm

Time ended: still ongoing as I am writing this post. It’s 5:53 already at the moment.

Our maid’s kid entered the office. She was talking and stuff and it got me really irritated. It was actually something not to be irritated about. Same symptoms as stated above. Got me thinking I just want to break her neck and how I fucking hate kids except newborns. I used to love kids. Really. Last year I knew I really wanted to have a kid already and was eager on adoption, but now, I just hate them. Ugh. I don’t want to see or talk to kids really. 

I will try to give a reason for this. One, because I don’t think I can afford to have one. Two, probably because of my anxiety. I can’t even take good care of my dogs, how much more take care of kids. Three, I don’t want to invest in kids since she’s not going to be mine and I don’t like her despite being eager to adopt. Four, that kid is practically living in this house and I’m paying for what she eats and I need every cent I can get. 

This escalated when I was computing our sales. I am so worried I will not be able to reach my quota - which I did not so dread poured in. What if I won’t have money by in 3months time for the harvest? I need to think of something to increase our sales. What if I will lose the everything? I just want to die. I see myself hanged and dead, but I don’t feel it. Fuck I’m going to fail. Fuck this. What should I do? What do I need to do? This isn’t right. I’m going to lose everything.

Blurring, clouded mind, dissociate myself from everyone - I don’t want to see or talk to people, I just want to drown in this feelings of dread, my jaw is a bit tight again, I don’t want to move anymore, I just want to lie down, I feel like crying but I can’t, cold sweats starting and now, 6:03pm, I feel tired.

I will force myself to exercise because it helps me clear my thoughts. Perhaps because of the endorphins. I don’t know really.

Time check - 6:06. Blurring still present, clouded mind, tired shoulders and I just want to lie down and never get up.

[itsableaklife-blog]

ANXIETY DIARY 06/23/19

Decided to make a diary whenever I have anxiety attacks. 

This might help. 

I haven’t gone to see a psychologist yet, but I’m already in the list for assessment and counselling. There’s just a line I guess and the center I went to only has a day in a week for those. 

Here goes...

Started at around 1pm when I went home from a gathering at the beach with our workers. On my way back, the rice fields were already prepared for the next planting season which will be around first and second week next month. 

Trigger: Rice season again. It hit me that it’s going to be the harvest season again in a few months and local rice is just moving to slow. I kept on thinking about the wrong decisions I made, about how can I pay our bills and all, if I can pay them on time. What if I can’t at this rate? What if I can’t find a solution? What if I can’t find another way? What if I can’t create another opportunity out of this situation? What if I can’t? What if I can’t keep the house? What will I do with  my dad then? What will I do if I fail? This makes me worry. A lot and it just goes around in my mind in an endless cycle. I just want to die.

Symptoms: Blurring of peripheral vision, clouded thinking, cold sweats, got tired - had to take a nap, too paralysed to do something - I just don’t want to get out of bed anymore, but I’m forcing myself to have some exercise right now because it help me.

It’s 5:40pm now and I’m still experiencing the symptoms and I’m still worrying about it. I want solution. That would calm me down, but of course, I can’t just find one. That’s understandable, but I’m still anxious. Very anxious. Nothing calms me down for now, so I might as well sweat it out. I need those endorphins.

[itsableaklife-blog]

SOON

How am I so good at suppressing my feelings?

I’ve been wanting to cry it out loud for a month now, but I can’t, I haven’t. I just suppress it to the best of my abilities and I think it’s taking a toll on my brain and body. 

I’ve been frequently tired and sleepy and it feels like my neck and jaw have become numb. So is my brain at some point. I don’t think it’s just because I can’t take coffee anymore, it’s probably my worsening anxiety.

God! Why can’t I cry? I really need to let this out. My anxiety is still on and off and it wants to be released. I just don’t have that ability.

Sometimes I wish I have someone nearby where I could just crash and cry. A shoulder would be a plus too. 

I feel like I’m imploding. Soon. I don’t know how it will affect me. I don’t know how will my body react. I’m just hoping that I can make it.

I wish my Ate’s here. I want to crash at her place so bad and just cry and cry and cry until I fall asleep. I can’t even tell her how I’ve been these days. I just want a good chat, with some wine probably and cry. 

I feel so alone.

[itsableaklife-blog]

DREAD

Overwhelming feeling of dread.

It has been almost 12hours since it started. I woke up dreadfully worrying about something. It consumed me for four hours. I can’t think clearly. I can’t see clearly. It was anxiety.  

After watching Game of Thrones, it went back again, but this time, with a different subject to worry about and it went on until almost 5pm.

I wanted to cry so bad.

I was teary eyed.

My chest was tight.

I was breathing fast.

I can feel my heartbeat pulsating through my jugular veins. 

My head was cloudy.

My eyes blurry.

Same.

I can’t think properly.

Everything was a blur.

I hated it.

It was very very very overwhelming.

It was very difficult to control.

I am losing control.

[itsableaklife-blog]

The quotes I found that serves as a reminder and inspiration are somehow terribly working. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing the right thing anymore, because with every hiccup (there’s a barrage today and a few everyday since last month), I just think I’m a failure. I fail because I don’t know anything. I’m failing because there’s no one to guide me. I’m failing because I’m alone. 

I don’t know if I can do this anymore. 

I don’t know if I will last.

I just think my anxiety is getting far worse. 

I should go and see a doctor.

I hope days go fast. 

I hope this busy days will end so I can see a doctor.

I can’t take this anymore.

I’m getting exhausted already.

There’s a lot on my shoulder.

It gets heavier each day.

My sanity hangs by a thread daily.

Somebody save me.

Somebody...

Somebody take a bit of the burden.

Just a bit.

So I can breathe.

So I can live a little.

So I can stay alive.

[itsableaklife-blog]

FAILURES

There are things I cannot control. There are things I don’t know just yet. Unfortunately, every fall, even if it’s something I have no control over, bothers every part of me. Like now.

I’ve been down since morning. It keeps on replaying in my mind. It’s not like there’s no solution, it’s just that solving it would entail a lot of things and I may have lost the trust of people. I just don’t want to fail. That’s actually it. I have never failed... Not once, so I’m having a hard time processing every failure. It lingers in every part of me and it’s bringing me down. I can barely move, I can barely talk, I can barely eat, I can barely think clearly. I can’t even see clearly. Again, my anxiety is there and probably accompanied with depression and it’s winning over me.

I keep on thinking about what could I have done, why did I do it, how did I not know etc. But really it’s not something I can control. My brain, however, does not understand that. It does not accept that reason; hence the anxiety.

I wish my dad were here.

I wish my grandma were here.

I need guidance from people who actually knows how to deal with these things. 

I’m alone. 

I need to cry.

I need a good cry.

I need to wail.

I need to let this out.

But I can’t.

I just can’t.

Why was I not taught about failures when I was young? Why did I always push myself to win? Why did they always help me win everything? 

I can’t handle failures.

I don’t know how to handle failures.

I’m trying to handle failures.

I’m failing.

I need help.

[itsableaklife-blog]

MILK

It has to be the milk.

Everyone blamed it on the milk.

Including I.

It was not the milk.

It was worse.

Worse than the milk.

It was anxiety.

It was anxiety already.

It remained undiagnosed.

Until now.

And it's getting harder.

Everyday.

Everyday is gamble.

Everyday, the milk incident happens.

Everyday, I try to keep that milk in.

Every night, I gets out.

It gets out.

It gets out...

How to survive when surving is such a task?

[itsableaklife-blog]

SUICIDE

I just witnessed someone who tried to take her life.

Funny how easy it is for me to think about cutting my life short, but once you witness someone else do it, you get scared.

Do I really want to die?

Do I want to see myself dying?

Do I want my significant others see me as I just commited suicide?

Do I want to see them that worried as I lay down the in the hospital bed?

Huh.

Why do I have axiety towards suicide when I may have decided this is how I was going to die even when I was a kid?

The anxiety never ends.

I am a ticking bomb.

[itsableaklife-blog]

ALONE

When we were asked or when we asked someone in the hospital, answers weren't just "I DON'T KNOW". You cannot answer with just and "I don't know" and other staff too. If you there's always a "BUT". "But, let me ask someone" or "Let me find out" or "I'll look into it and get back to you." If the doctors ask us and we'll give them only an "I DON'T KNOW"? Why are you even there?

The thing is, I've been given that answer here. By my mom. Everytime I ask her about important business matters, the answer would be "I don't know. Your dad did not tell me." And that's it. Or "I don't know about you."

Do you know how stressful it is? I'm literally starting from scratch. I'm trying to empty the 10 years of knowledge I dearly kept for new information mostly from our customers. I need to crawl so hard. Sometimes it wears me down, but I know I need to keep going alone.

I need to build knowledge with the help of outsiders.

I need to solve conflicts alone.

I have to think about improvements alone.

I have to decide fast alone.

I need to analyze numbers alone.

I am alone.

Alone...

Alone...

I do not know how long will I survive this race. I don't even know if I can.

[itsableaklife-blog]

HELLO

Hello there, Anxiety.

I have been ok. Almost okay. I was getting there.

Now...

Autopilot.

Adrenaline.

Supression.

Fear.

Anxiety

I have been in AUTOPILOT mode, running solely with ADRENALINE as I SUPRESS my intense feelings of FEAR which I strongly believe is ANXIETY.

I'm too stressed again it strips my strength of.

I tried to recall what happened yesterday, but I forgot.

Help me.

I think my brain is slowly dying.

[itsableaklife-blog]

REALIZATION

I have no older sister or older brother that I wish I had. I have always wanted to be pampered and cared for by an older sibling like how I treat my baby cousins.

I need to take care of myself. I. I. I. Not anyone else. Because no one will. The idea of an older sibling has to go. I have none. I will never have one. No one will give a damn but me.

What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck I was expecting? How stupid was I to think I had one? Pft.

Well, it was good while it lasted. At least I learned a lesson. Time to wake up.

[itsableaklife-blog]

WRECK

I have been in an emotional turmoil lately. I don't know if it's just the hormones or it's my anxiety working its way to conquer my brain.

Most of the time, I am ok. But the second something comes up, hell breaks loose. I can't control it. I hate it. I should really do self actualization tests so I can have counseling etc., but I just have so many things to do. I'm just praying that I can hold it down together. All these emotions... I'm breaking down.

[itsableaklife-blog]

MENTAL REPLIES

Friend: /sends a baby picture/

Mental reply: I have something to tell you. I think I have anxiety and depression. I can't sleep without taking meds and despite that, I still can't sleep properly. I can't eat properly. I even puke when I try to eat alot. It get's blurry when I'm anxious. I'm normally anxious, but not like this. And I think of killing myself every hour which is bad. Is this bad? huhu Do I need to see a therapist? What should I do? T_T

Real reply: Hi bb! So cute!

Friend: Hey! How are you?

Mental reply: Not good. I've been really miserable. Everything that's happening is pure bullshit. My anxiety is still with me. I can't control it. I think I really need to go see a doctor or something. It's better than before, but I still have it. I don't know what to do anymore. Suicide is still an option you know. Fuck this! I'm even afraid of owning a gun because I might kill myself.

Real reply: Still alive and still breathing hahahahahahaha

[itsableaklife-blog]

REMEDY

It's been a month since I've been excersing and I think it has had a great effect on my anxiety! My anxiety attacks have significantly lessened! I have it at times when I need to decide on something, but I can make sound decisions now and it does not last long like how it was! After I solved it or after whether or not I solved it, my anxiety just away! And I haven't been having random attacks too!!! Likewise, it helped improve my mood in general! I hope this lasts tho. I try to exercise at least 40mins a day. Just trying to sweat it out is amazing! I hope this lasts tho.

Apart from that, gardening helped me relax too...

I'm hopeful about this hobby. I can do this!!!

Not a bad post this time. hahahahaha

[itsableaklife-blog]

MUSIC

A few years ago, when my anxiety just occurs when as I plan my bday vacation, music helped me calm down until the big old A is gone. Now, it's as if I don't want to listen to anything, I don't want to do anything but sulk in the corner or drown myself in my anxiety. Does this mean my anxiety is taking over me? God.

I mean, how can I not become anxious still when my mom keeps on shouting? EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. EVERY. MORNING. NOON. AFTERNOON. NIGHT. I wake up to her loud voice, shouting at my dad. I'm almost 30, I should be good at dealing with this, but it just paralyzes me. It's like she's feeding me all the thinhs that makes this decision all fucking wrong! She doesn't even give me a reasons why I should stay. SHE'S GIVING ME ALL THE REASONS TO FUCKIN LEAVE AND SHE WANTS ME TO LEAVE. THE FUCK. REALLY? WHY AM I STILL FUCKING HERE? YOU SAID IT WAS OK FOR ME TO QUIT MY JOB AND HELP YOU BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE IT SEEMS LIKE MY PRESENCE IS NOT MAKING ANY FUCKING DIFFERENCE.

I really need to see that my decision was the right thing because all I want is to help and keep the business running.

Now that one of my remedies doesn't work anymore... I don't know anymore... I hope this "new" hobby will save me.

[itsableaklife-blog]

INCOMPATIBLE?

On my first year in the hospital, my asthma worsened. I had to see a number of specialists. IM, Pulmonologist, Allergologist.

On my second year, it got better.

Just before my fifth and last year, I was only down to one medication for my asthma. On that same year, my brain decided it wants attention.

I quit my job because of some personal reasons and more importantly, I need to take care of my mental health.

On to this new job and my asthma is getting worse. Worse than before. After almost a month of stay, I had to take everything medication I discontinued. My brain is doing good, but I'm not sure if it's getting better.

With all these health issues, I'm not sure if I am compatible with life.

I don't know how to handle situations because of my anxiety. I get discouraged easily, I don't know who to share my emotions, I don't know who to believe, I can't empathize, I don't know what I should be doing because this is not what I studied, I don't know if people are just deceiving me because I lack knowledge, I don't trust everyone and that includes myself.

Basically, I forgot how to deal with life because of anxiety.