too much to care

these are the words under my breath and it is as good as the words unsaid.

[itsawhy]

there are no more words to describe how i feel. for a person who reads a lot, it is surprising to know that your mind can never work when the heart is hurting.

mother was violent tonight, the first time after a long time. the last time was when she hit me with a rubber pipe.

i believe this is one of the worst argument i had with mother. a little bit violent and aggressive. she threw a glass at me and she almost hit me with her hands. but as much as i resist, i was calm. calmer than i expected. i truly don't know why. was i desensitised by all of these criticism and unhappiness that i get from her?

mother wanted father to hit me because i resist, by talking back. father constantly gave a warning. for a moment, i was a little scared that he might actually hurt me, physically. he is not a violent person. too good a person. but if i resist more, i have a feeling that he might actually do it.

mother wanted to hit me with an iron. she didn't mind if i am hurt nor being admitted to the hospital.

all i did was to resist her criticism. to want her to stop saying things that hurt. what i did is to tell her that it wasn't true. though she insisted on it.

what i wanted to do was to defend myself from the hurtful words that was coming from her. but when i did, it became a huge argument, again.

i am not going to lie, part of me wanted her to hurt me. the pain inside me was too much. i wanted to feel the pain on my skin, my flesh, and the numbness of all the physical pain. i wanted her to hit my head so that i can lose all my senses. physical pain is bearable, but never the heart.

i secretly wanted her to hurt me physically.

that would be a mercy.

[itsawhy]

there are no words to how i feel. it used to be easy. to pen down the feelings that is pooling in the surface. these few years, no words can describe the bottomless pit of pain.

[itsawhy]

when are you gonna get married?

when i look at my mom, i know deep inside, i do not want to get married. let my life be for my parents. what is the point if you are married and you have to be the pillar in the relationship. why do you have to be the man in the family. i keep seeing my mom being the man in the family, i don't think i want to live that way.

sometimes, i do wonder. why couldn't my siblings be a tiny bit like me. if i have money, i would have prioritize mom's debt. even if that money is for something else. because with their ease of mind, it would be easier for them to help me in return.

i don't know how they can look at their own parents and allow them to suffer knowing that they could at least ease their pain.

i may be a lot of things. bad things. but never will i ever allow my parents to suffer knowing i can make a difference.

its hard. to defend both your siblings and your parents against each other. i don't know what to do anymore as an eldest but one thing i can do is not to get married.

they need me here. i need to be here for them. we can have love in many forms and i would be happy to just be with them.

so they need to stop asking me why i'm not married because they wouldn't want to know the real reason.

[itsawhy]

it is only been a month moving back to my parents' house. my heart has sunk deep and this feeling is all too familiar. my head swirls with so many questions.

i have to start thinking about my family again. i have to start saving them. i can't leave them hanging. there are so many things in my head now.

i have to keep them afloat.

i don't need to think about my life. they are the utmost importance. i can't let them live with so much stress. i have to make sure that they are living the best life, especially when they are already in their 60s.

they are my priorities now.

its time for me to get back to reality. being back here, it feels like living alone for 3 years was just a dream. a little pause in my life. its time for me to get back to reality. this is - the reality.

the vision of me being out there in the world seems so far away. too far. they ask me why am i not married and wondering why falling in love doesn't appeal to me.

so many reasons - so, so many. i couldn't list them down. but ultimately, the problem lies with me, not the men, not marriage itself.

i have taken care of my family and i will take care of them again. so its a given that i can take care of myself. i know i can and i already have.

the topic of love and marriage is not a simple thing to talk about. i don't have the emotional capacity to even speak about it.

my thoughts are scattered. i don't know what i want to talk about.

i can feel my feelings coming out from my stomach and i am choking on this overwhelming emotions. i don't think there is a way, a place and a time for me to pour it all out.

its starting. i have to be ready mentally, emotionally and physically.

now that the thoughts of hurting myself resurfaced, i am already thinking of sinking the tip of the knife on my face, throat and arms. maybe plunging it straight to my heart.

and i am already here posting.

this is unsettling.

[itsawhy]

it has been a hectic week.

going towards your goal can sometimes exhaust you. yes, it is exhausting but deep in your heart, you know that you are going the right way. your heart supports it and it doesn't waver. it beats steadily to the scary things before you.

the sheer determination and a strong will would not let your heart be clouded with doubt.

i thank Allah everyday but it is not enough and i know that.

Insya Allah, i will find the drive to pray and i will.

what's given to us and what's taken from us are all from God and nothing else. from the pain and happiness, wealth and poverty to success and failure. there is nothing that you can do but trust in Him to provide supplicants. the good ones only. the good ones in the eyes of Allah, Himself.

i don't have doubt about the choices i am making but i do have doubts about letting go of this home.

[itsawhy]

there is something wrong with me. i cannot explain it but there is something very wrong with me. i think i made a mistake in life that made my siblings lose respect. along the way, when i thought that i am doing good, when we are good, i did something.

i don't know how to fix myself anymore. i have been fixing myself every minute, every day, all different parts of me. so many things to fix, so little time.

and yet, i made it all worst. i don't know what to do anymore.

you know, when they say when you do so much, you started to lose sight? i don't even know what it is.

my heart sinks so deep.

i know that my strengths are my siblings and yet they are also a weakness. there is nothing that could make me happy except my siblings but they are also the people that would hurt me the most.

these weight on my shoulder gets heavier. this pain in my heart is too much and all i could think of is to feel all the physical pain. i could bear physical pain but emotional pain drowns me.

slit my wrist.

cut my skin.

punch me.

knock me down.

dig your nails in my flesh.

stab me in my chest.

slide the knife on my neck.

i don't care as long as i don't feel this pain in my heart.

[itsawhy]

i am going through so a wave of emotions and i have no idea how to deal with. the only emotions that i can fully and visibly show has always been anger. the worst part is that i no longer have words to explain how i feel. telling what happen is easy but to put in words on how i feel, that entirely different thing. i don't know if i want to run away but it seems like it.

[itsawhy]

when we get older, we have lesser words to describe how we feel. there are no words I could think of that could describe this feelings. it feels like it is dragging me to the mud and it won't let it go.

[itsawhy]

It's predictable. It has happened again and again. The heartbreak sets in and it is a little bit too familiar. It doesn't come with a single emotion. It comes with a wave of it and I am drowning in it.

Heartbreak comes with disappointment - sometimes inferiority lingers around it. There is nothing else to expect from love. They will either love you from afar or love you in secret. Never will they be proud of you for who you are.

They love my face, but they fear my body.

They couldn't say anything to make me change my body because they knew I would fight it.

So they stayed where they are and decided that watching from afar would be better than being seen with me.

I am too tired to fall in love and fighting for my self-worth. For once, I want someone to fight for me till the end.

In all honesty, I do not have any hope in men.

[itsawhy]

As much as I want you, I have to let you go. I am a woman with great femininity but you stripped that away from me. The deeper our conversations go, the harder for me to be and feel comfortable with my womanhood. It's not about depending on man to feel good but I already am. But what happens when it's being drained out? Instead of fulfilling my energy, I had to do that for you.

As much as I want you, there is nothing good for both of us. Maybe we are better off as strangers. Friends seems a little bit forced and I never wanted to our relationship to be this way.

[itsawhy]

muz was right. he could see through it and he knew it. there was a reason why he hated me and never wanted to speak to me. he was right all along. i should have known. i couldn't see it myself but he did. he made the right decision.

i would have left me too.

[itsawhy]

you don't get to say this while you are literally talking to me. the amount of insecurity that i have right now especially as a fat person. we all know no one wants a fat person and i have been trying to prove them wrong every single time.

i have been doing all the work, making sure that the society's view on fat bodies and fat people are wrong. we are desirable and we are wanted and we are loved.

you don't get to say this to me about how my housemate is your type and it is so fucked up that men are ghosting her left and right.

it's a sign for me to leave him for good.

i don't want to do this anymore.

[itsawhy]

it's time for me to have emotional boundaries. i have said many times to never chase a man that is not interested.

there is no reason for me to wait either. i don't think we fit each other and i do not want to be hung up on someone who is not emotionally available. i can't possibly be doing this to myself.

i promised myself to always protect my heart and for a moment, i forgot about it.

it's time to get that in my head.

no more uncertainty. it will ruin a life i have built.

[itsawhy]

i promised myself to never beg for attention. a promise that i will intend to keep. i don't chase anymore. i learnt that the hard way. but sometimes, its hard to do that when night like this, you just want company.

i am contemplating whether i should sound desperate or just let it go.

i deserve better than this.

[itsawhy]

i am feeling guilty of taking another off day. corporate lifestyle is something i will never get used to. as many years passed, you can never be able to get free from it. i just want an off day to rest but here we are. i might lose my job and when that happens, i might need to move out.

i want to get out from this cycle. to think of it, i prefer working remotely, rather than being in the office. there is no use of going to the office, literally.

[itsawhy]

wealth has a lot of meaning. the things that we chase has always been money and yet we look away on things that has been with us all along. we stray too far from our own family, ancestors and culture. that itself has value to it - only if we make that happen. to put value on our name is worth more than just money in our bank.

we have to shift our mindset on wealth and what it means to have valuables. we didn't take pride on our history. that history itself brings so much value. the richness of having an identity is far more than possessing unnecessary things.

how can i make a name?

how can i dig enough to know what it means to be the descendent of Atan and Sa'ad family. both my families are valuable and they have the history of their own.

to rekindle that history is hard but i will find a way.

[itsawhy]

i came to realise that life keeps on moving even if you are hoping for something. i know, deep inside that you want it. you longed to be away from this place. in the end, you didn't get a chance to do it. a little disappointed? - maybe so. but in the end, no matter how you waited, you need to move on. you can't possibly put a halt in your life. it is time to plan ahead and have goals in life. you have rested well for almost a year now.

a lesson that you've learnt - to never rely on something that is not certain.

now, you need to create something for yourself. you have a space and you have time. your dreams of living and going abroad will come soon. focus on the now and make it a better place.

for your mind and your heart. for your feelings and your sanity. you are going to be alright and you will be okay. you have the people around you that love and support you no matter what.

Allah will be with you. it is time to go to him and make yourself a better place so that you can live with ease.

i believe and i have trust in you. it is the best time to create something new for yourself.

i love you. i love you to the moon and back. you have done so much for yourself and it is time for you to move forward.