Never Trust A Big Butt And A Smile. ☠

I’m an engineer that likes fitness and crystals. I’m also a cohost of the podcast Fine Pairings.

[asksloyxp]

Maybe if I just work harder, this empty cup will pour again

[shinyrock6498]

Maybe the cup needs a bit of time to rest and refill?

[asksloyxp]

Maybe the cup needs to lock the fuck in???

[itsbeenclaireified]

I’m back on the dating apps and it’s wild what a disregulating experience it can be. Like I matched with a 24 year old (I’m 33) and proceeded to spiral and cry in therapy about it.

[itsbeenclaireified]

I went on a date and no one died.

I did a bunch of grounding work to keep myself from getting wound up and it seemed to work.

But what also worked is he walked in and I realized I wasn’t attracted to him physically, and that took all the pressure off. We then talked about a bunch of things including me asking if he had a favorite conspiracy. He then said “I just think there’s more to 9/11 than they say….”

And before you’re like HE BELIEVES IN 9/11 CONSPIRACIES??? No. He’s a baby, and didn’t know about the geopolitical setting that led to 9/11 and so he thought it was just random.

And that’s how I confirmed that was in fact too young for me (as suspected) and that I don’t know that I like being in a romantic relationship where I feel like a mentor? In that he was young enough that we encountered a lot of experiences (drinking, traveling, etc) that all piled up to being like no we are not in the same place.

And that’s all okay.

[hollanderthoughts]

Wait…. 😳 there’s a way out?

[hollanderthoughts]

Fuuuuuuck me. It’s through? And that’s the only way? Fuuuuuuuck dude

[itsbeenclaireified]

I’m back on the dating apps and it’s wild what a disregulating experience it can be. Like I matched with a 24 year old (I’m 33) and proceeded to spiral and cry in therapy about it.

[itsbeenclaireified]

I went skiing with my family in Utah last week and had an excellent time. We skied Park City, Alta, and Snowbasin.

Snowbasin is one of my favorites just because I’m in love with the luxury interiors. Like gold chandeliers and rich fabrics.

I often just spend time looking around and trying to pinpoint what it is that draws me in. So I took like this picture of this console table just to be like…where can I find this?? And there’s even console table that I prefer in the bathroom there that I regret not taking a picture of haha

I then left my family on Thursday to get home and then drive up north in Minnesota to Biwabik for a ski race for the high school team I coach. And it was a good weekend and the kids made much big improvements but also damnnnnn it’s always cold. Likes “feels like -10” cold. So I’m not delighted that is it still cold now in Minnesota.

Well I guess the one thing is I hope it’s really making certain federal agents feel miserable.

But mostly it’s making me extra tired and we’re now at the point in winter where I’m starting to feel like my house will never be clean again because I have no time to take care of it. But the high school season is basically done by February 5th. So I gotta just hang on.

[itsbeenclaireified]

Heated Rivalry actually makes me want to work out and go to the gym so bad??? Like I just want to get very functionally hot and strong in the new year.

[itsbeenclaireified]

I had drinks with a coworker who also had a bad review (she’s in another department) and we basically also compared some notes on how financial cuts are being made and some of leadership has left and that sparked a “are we about to be laid off/fired” thought spiral. And I’m trying to stay in the “well that’s outside of you control and so you gotta just stay in the present as much as you can” because if it does happen I’ll figure it out. But also like UGHHHH (emotions)

But also my company doesn’t have a history of doing layoffs? So like that’s a mark in the logical corner. And I have my ski jobs and if I was stressed I could just pull more shifts there.

But in other news I tried getting my eyebrows laminated and I’m enjoying the results so far

And yes spending money on frivolous things will not help your spiral that you might get laid off, and also as my sister pointed out if I DID know that I was getting laid off would I have canceled the appointment? And the answer is probably no because I would have liked it as a treat to myself.

[itsbeenclaireified]

I watched all of Heated Rivalry in the last 48 hours and now I’m upset that I want to get railed by a hockey player but don’t know how to make that happen

[itsbeenclaireified]

And that brings us to my dad’s birthday. I got my haircut just before so it looked good, and they gave me a complimentary makeup touch up which looks great! The blush they used on me was purple and it bought it because I thought it was fun. And I also bought the lipgloss and concealer because it’s so much easier when a professional matches your tone for you.

But my grandpa is visiting and it’s very nice to have him. He’s 93 and it’s hard to know how much longer we’ll have him. But also I mean he’s been status quo for like the last couple years? So sometimes my brain is like he’s gonna live another 10 years just to spite everything, but also I’ve been trying to soak in what I can.

And that’s probably not helping my melancholy, the whole “what happens after we go” which is weird because sometimes I am filled with more certainty about the spirits I feel around me. But I am only human and sometimes doubt creeps in, and perhaps my spiritual guards are up. Also I am tired, there is a lot going on obviously and that makes it worse.

So I miss trixie, and I worry about my grandpa and I’m sort of breaking out because I’m also on my period. Dude I forgot maybe this is not helped by the fact I’m on my period. I’ve also watched too much Charles Dickens A Christmas carol so my expectation of ghost interaction is TOO HIGH. SET MY LIFE RIGHT IN ONE NIGHT GHOSTS!

[itsbeenclaireified]

Then came the holiday funtivities! Parties at friends! Gingerbread displays! Christmas markets!

And I also made a gingerbread for work

And between moving everything to paint, which then made me want to move all my furniture, and then my gingerbread carousel my house was TRASHED!

Which I guess was good exposure therapy for sitting in the discomfort of accepting that sometimes you’re too busy to clean your house. Now that I’m on break I’ve been slowly chipping away at it and getting my house closer to feel like it’s in order. And it was good to know that I wasnt like…backsliding into filth?? I have a deep fear that deep down I’m a terrible filthy person and my therapist would tell me “and why would that make you a bad person?” And that’s that on childhood wounds I guess.

But as I’ve slowly had time to work on the projects to clean up, it’s like oh I just genuinely was too busy. And not that I’m like mentally falling apart. And that as I’ve had time to rest enough and then have more time to address stuff I can slowly tackle it.

Wow therapy works probably! But also feelings are still gross, and turns out we are not robots who can just keep going and do it all! Crazy!

[itsbeenclaireified]

Next was Thanksgiving, we went to Iowa to be with my grandpa.

And my masterpiece was making a centerpiece out of foraged plants! I am an Ina Garten and Martha Stewart disciple!

And then also Thanksgiving was tricky because my previous manager gave me my year end review and I thought it was….not great? Our fiscal year is October and last October I did a huge career defining study and while that was in my review, it made like 2 sentences. And then there was a big chunk about how my coworkers notice that I get frustrated with certain tasks assigned to me and how I had not been receptive to changing from a paper version of the instructions to a digital. And I cried during my review and then for like hours after, and had to pull it together to add objective comments on my review because my previous manager likes a “collaborative review”.

So I commented that my reluctance on changing to paper happened 2 years ago and it’s already been on my review before, and that I had been moving that project forward this year. And I had some language requests to soften my review from how I was reading it which was “Claire is a bitch who hates helping others”. Because I am helpful and also my frustration had come from being assigned tasks to help that had been neglected for 2 plus years and so they were actually really messed up in a way that no one knew until I started asking questions.

But the bright spot is that I channeled my angst into painting my living room during the snow storm after Thanksgiving.

I went from a blue grey to Benjamin moore’s Opal which is like a yellow/peach off white and it’s much more appealing to me in all lights. Previously the blue grey made me sad in the artificial light and now I like that different light brings out the yellow or the pinkish color.

[itsbeenclaireified]

Starting strong was my trip in early November to Santa Fe, NM with the intent to see Los Alamos.

We stayed in the cutest little Inn, and it really highlighted how nice hospitality is?? Like Santa Fe is maybe a little boujie and since my friend and I were splitting a room we felt chill staying in a room that was $300 a night, and like damn it was nice to have very helpful staff and lil a cute lobby we could go read by the fire? It was nice to recharge.

We saw Los Alamos and nerded out about physics, so now my friend and I might be on a list because we were googling all sorts of things to better understand how enrichment works and what the inside of “fat man” and “little boy” looked like. Very much recommend.

We also hiked near Taos and saw the Taos Pueblo, which was cool. We also did an art day where we saw both O’Keefe and Gustave Baumann. I really like the wood block prints of Baumann.

And then we did get caught in the whole TSA snafu due to the government shutdown. Our Sunday afternoon flight was canceled and rescheduled to 6 am Monday morning. Then that flight had mechanical issues and we got rerouted again, and would have gotten home at midnight. And then we talked to the agent and they rerouted us AGAIN but this time on 3 flights instead of 2 to get us home by 9 pm. Which finally worked.

Looking back probably could have gone to the airport when it was first canceled to talk to an agent and see what they could have done? But whatever we had a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant.

[itsbeenclaireified]

I’m enjoying my Christmas but I’m getting to the time of day where the melancholy is creeping in. So I’m gonna catch up on posts I’ve neglected and queue them up.

Because lol my last post was for Halloween and there’s been plenty between then and now!

[itsbeenclaireified]

I last minute bought some flood lights to try to make my street not PITCH BLACK, and convince kids to come down to get treats (Caprisuns and kinder eggs). I followed my tradition of watching muppets haunted mansion and young Frankenstein, and had a delightful little time.

This October snuck up on me and Halloween as well. Was it because I was busy with work? With life? Sad? I’m not entirely sure. But I didn’t really decorate because I was like well it’s happening in 3 days and you then what? I still have some of the Christmas stuff on the landing (I’m a mess). But then I was like no it’s for me, and put out some stuff and grabbed my Halloween box and put out my favorite shelf guys

And tonight I’m going to a party where I’ll be a Louvre robber, here’s when I wore it to work this week

And since we’re on it, last weekend I did run a Halloween 10k and it’s the furthest I’ve ever run and I ran the whole way (who am I???). And it rain and I nearly cried twice because I saw an eagle fly over me and for the last tenth of a mile before the end a woman dressed as a black cat was in front of me and it made me think of Trixie.

[trainstationsparrow]

[itsbeenclaireified]

I had to delete and redownload the tumblr app because it wouldn’t let me write posts.

Anyway, I have some other stuff to get to but first some stuff from the MN state fair

Just a little something to take the edge off 😆

I ended up going 4 times and had a delightful time each time. I have a lot more photos of the new foods I tried and I was pumped to see a highland cow (pictured).

I’m really excited about some hiking passes I purchased that have a list of hikes to do and if you get the stamps at the different state parks and collect the hikes, you can win prizes like patches and a free night of camping. And mostly it’s nice to have like ideas of places to go and also have a better idea of the length of trails (and know more confidentially it’s 2 miles than to trust all trails).

Now that it’s not my birthday month and state fair month, I gotta focus up on my diet again. Mostly because I’m training for a 10k run in October and I should be properly fueling myself for running and recovery. But I’ll miss all the fair foods, until next year!

[sarahseeandersen]

This new piece was created in collaboration with The Marine Mammal Center! We have made signed prints available and a portion of all proceeds will go to them :)