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the end is near. not really. but also really. - 30th May 2026

so by the date you can probably calculate I have 6 months left here in scotland and i cant help but feel all the feels. sometimes im so happy to go home, other times im just a miserable mess and want to stay. im half in one place, and half in another. depending on what im doing. i also keep feeling the ending in everything.

I finished watching 2 shows this week and i just couldnt - i was a mess. the first 'being erica' the last episode had me bawling. literally saying shit like "everything good must come to an end" and the characters saying their goodbyes. Oh and last week or the week before i watched outlanders last episode (now granted that didnt have me as emotional, and it was a pretty shit ending) but i did cry watching the opener for the last episode, it definitely symbolised an ending for me. And today I went to the Outlander auction open house to see all the items here in edinburgh going on sale, and tonight its the outlander concert with bear mccreary... im honestly using today as a goodbye. a proper goodbye.

its so sad because i remember watching outlander for the first time in eltham in bed, i just put it on and instantly i was hooked. jamie. the landscapes. all of it. i was yearning for scotland. same thing happened when i watched p.s. i love you when i was younger. but this show was going and going, its gotten me through the last i want to say 5-10 years of my life. Through university i wrote essays and did assignments on it, on the music, the characters, the stories. i came over here and saw all the film locations which were surreal to say the least, i fell in love with scotland thanks to this series and ive found something here that i dont think i can quite find anywhere else.

its so hard cause the last few months ive felt pretty shit here, my aussie friend went back to aus (and i havent spoken to her since - not for a lack of trying btw), and i think she was someone i felt i could be mostly myself around and i felt quite comfy around her, now the friends i have left here are nice, but they feel convience friendships, like someone to go see cause i havent socialised in a while not because im genuinely excited to see them. so the last few months have been me in my flat, maybe an occassional afternoon or dinner out to see a friend (usually once a month or so) and maybe a tour with cheryl once a month if that. ive felt stagnant, like im waiting to go home. I spend 1-2 hours on the phone to my mum each morning here, and im waiting to go back and sit on the couch and watch tv with her - how sad is that. Thats what my life has come to. I think I just realised here, what actually gives me happiness.

Genuine friendships (like my friend krissy - when her bf wasnt around), the kind of friendships i actually enjoy and want to be around, is one thing that makes me happy but they're very hard to find.

The other thing is travelling, i do like seeing where history was made, i like travelling with my mum, sharing the experiences with her, and i want to keep doing it for as long as i can. theres no one else id rather do it with.

I've found genuine enjoyment and fulfilllment in my youtube, in planning, organising, researching, strategising, all of it. Its fun and so fulfilling.

i like being in nature (who wouldve thought), ok maybe not aussie nature as im terrified of bugs, snakes, spiders and any other wild things, but here, being in the highlands, or a park is nice.

I also like people watching, and walking through the touristy areas and picking up the happy/excited energy the tourists have. Sometimes i just take being here for granted, and being out there, amongst aweinspired tourists is reenergising and it reminds me of my younger self. The self that was so excited to be here.

I like my quiet, my independence, and solitude.

And of course tv shows and sharing them with mum.

So yes theres my simple things in life that make me happy. I'm not quite sure what the point of this was... oh i was gonna say before i moved here i was scared i was stuck, sitting on the couch with mum day in and day out, i was scared i wasnt living a life. And to be honest going back a part of me is worried about that but what if my happiest life is being with mum watching tv, travelling with her, (but also i need to make an effort to find some good friends there), and do experiences with them. I need to learn a bit about australias history, and maybe get into theirs and do the touristy stuff, i need to spend time with my sisters and rebuild those relationships (no idea how - but thats a thing for later), and i need to care less about what others think. The family events, the overthinking if im doing enough or acting the right way, or whos thinking im fat... that serves nobody, and honestly i dont know what these people are thinking, the reality is im thinking they're thinking those things. So let's not dwell, also who cares what they think - you live for yourself, and the main thing is... are you happy right now? If yes, thats all that matters, if no, then fix what ever is making you unhappy. Ignore the dark thoughts, assumptions. Wear what you want, eat what you want, act how you want, and if they dont like you, then they aren't your people and thats fine!

I think i need to stop second guessing everything, stop hesitating, talking slow, just be. You are pretty incredible, you have moved across the world with nobody, you have persevered and gotten a degree even though everyone around you was telling you to give up, you have survived horrible depression multiple times, you are strong, you are opinionated, you are incredible. You are more than a few comments from people who you see a few times in a year. Also if they're coming from loved ones, i need you to look at their lives, is this life the life i would want for myself? if its a no - why are you listening to them, why are you letting them make you feel bad? there is no one size fits all when it comes to happiness and at the end of the day, the main thing that matters is that you're happy. If they're telling you youre too fat, or to get a boyfriend, or to move out - you need to look at their lives... they got married young? they serve their husbands? or they are the husbands that benefit from the women servants? they have/had multiple kids? they treated their kids questionably? they are miserable now? - all of this needs to be thought of, and really questioned when they're giving advice, or 'looking out for you out of concern'. If the fat thing comes up - just know they're judging because they feel better about themselves when they point it out. its not really about you, or if it is... its because they want you to find a husband. which we know skinny does not equal a husband.

Thats the other thing youve dated and dated, youve had flings, youve had almost boyfriends, but as you get older you have found an almost serenity in being alone, in being single. You dont mind being alone, in fact you prefer it. When you try to date now, lets just say the dating pool is rough. From conservative men who want trad wives, to sleazy men who just want sex, to men who just cant hold a conversation, to men who hate women, to men who hate fat women, to men who just dont align with any of your interests, to men who dont understand/dont feel good about a strong woman who wants to run her own business, to men who just want a baby maker. Honestly that doesnt even sum up 50% of the issues. Its a really rough time right now to look for a partner. I think for the first time were at a place where women are educated, are given more opportunities, and they dont have to look at marriage as their only option. More and more women are dating with intent now, they're really thinking "are you going to add value to my life", women can bring in the money now, women can get their own house, can travel, can get their own credit card, can vote, can do everything themselves. Plus they have friends for social fulfillment. So what are men really bringing to the table? With what id say 90% of men I've met have the emotional intelligence of a 10 year old, and assume because they pay for a first date, or have some money coming in they have the right to demand a womans time/sometimes a lot more... it just counter balances. And then you have these people deaming it a 'male loneliness epidemic' like im sorry. Maybe go out there and reassess your person, your qualities, your values, your actions instead of jsut slapping a label on it and blaming women. How bout working on yourselves to be better, its not about looks, its about emotional intelligence, listening to women, and making an effort, asking questions, being genuinely interested, and above everything making a safe environment for her. She needs to feel safe and like you are trustworthy.

So all in all, I havent found this person, and some people (in fact myself included) would say thats a unicorn, but lately ive been thinking and just because i dont see those kinds of men around me or in my life, it doesnt mean they dont exist, it just means they're not on the dating apps, and not in my family. And I dont really leave my house enough to meet these kinds of men. Where are they, who knows, but maybe one day i will meet one, who knows.

On that note im going to say goodbye. Got the concert later and im getting tired. x

Dear Future Me.... Stop Romanticizing Scotland (23rd May 25)

It's been 2 months since I last wrote to you and boy have things changed. So here goes...

Firstly and most importantly, my work has become soooo messy and overwhelming. They have become an AI shitshow basically. And you know I like AI, I've used it for years to help with assignments, with my scripts, research, trip planning, cooking, literally everything. But this company has gone way too far. Let me explain.

So last year they had a round of redundancies, as they lost a big contract. Then they spent god knows how much on implementing an AI program which would transcribe and record our meetings, and very much made it clear it was not optional. Now I felt odd about this, but after using it I was like okay... makes sense. Then another AI program got introduced, this time it was a shitty version of Chat GPT, easy enough to use, and so I did a little bit. But it was in this time that in the monthly company meetings started to be about AI and how we have to get on board, or we'll be left behind. Then they started hiring from other countries (lower cost countries), and then opened up more positions, as they were expecting a new contract with a new client. I want to highlight the 'expecting' as that never happened. Instead people expressed interest, told managers they were thinking of switching or going for different positions in this 'new team', did interviews, and applications, and then it got cancelled when the client pulled out - turns out my company hadn't officially bagged the contract before hiring. (Terrible if you ask me). Then it was time for more AI threats, and this time we were getting told that the company wasn't doing too well and so bonuses/promotions were not happening for the review cycle (which this was the 3rd time since I've been hired that this has been said to me - after in my interview my manager boasting that it was super easy to move up in the company and that they give bonuses out all the time). Then it was time to move to Chat GPT, so they got rid of the shitty AI Chat GPT copy, and moved to Chat GPT. It was then that we started getting scored on how much we used it. Which I used it a lot so had no issues there.

But then Codex happened. So Chat GPT introduced this program which was described to us as, a program which reads all of your computer files, and can create and edit, and remove and basically act as its own agent within the computer but problem was... it was only built for Macs and the majority of the company had PCs. After this the company decided to get engineers to create a custom app which would be made to work with Codex to keep the company users all up to date, track usage of individuals, etc. So god knows how much more money that cost them.

Then the Macs came... literally spent £2800 per person on Macs.

Then came the 'AI training' which was just us watching recordings of meetings between the company CEO and engineers, they were throwing terms like 'API keys' and 'tokens' and 'backend' and as someone who does 0 coding... I was lost and clueless. It was clear that this was a brand new system and there was little to no support for it. But at the same time we were forced to use it, download it (without proper download instructions/support), and get familiar with it ourselves.

Then came my manager telling us that we were to create 'skills' aka basically mini AIs which are very good at/master specific skills. Which the process looked more and more daunting each minute. From you have to update this file, to then you have to notify this person, to then you have to notify this slack channel, to then you have to sit there and redesign/refine the AI bot, and then go through the contact channels again etc, and then you have to use and download this other program called Linear (which I still havent figured out by the way, nor do i plan to).

So if you havent guessed already... I'm pretty done. Up until last week I hadn't worked on any client work for 5 months... thats the other thing. I've been hired to be a social media strategist... and yet we have no client work, or very little for our team to do. Before that I was given 3 sections of a YouTube audit for a client and told just go for it, little brief, little instruction, little guidance, just 'you know youtube so do it'. And I did, and I did it very well. To the point where my manager was asked by the head of the company to present it to them, and the executives. I of course got 0 credit, and then in April we had performance reviews where I was expecting a raise. I had been with them for 2 years, 0 raise, and a salary less than a supermarket worker was getting... £25k per year... thats $50k AUD. Absolutely shocking. So I was ready. Either promote me and get me to 30k or give me another 3k raise would be nice. I got onto the call... and instantly was told the same thing as what I'd been told in all my other performance reviews "the company isnt giving bonuses or promotions this time round" but this time I got a "BUT you should be so grateful because you get a 1k raise".... I was instantly pissed. And thats putting it lightly. My manager could clearly tell, and I knew she had no say in it, but as someone who is always polite, never bites back, always does what shes told at work, I think my manager had a big shock to the system to my reaction when I started to push back. And then the words came out "unfortunately hard work and good quality work is no longer a reason for promotion". How sad is that. When I asked what is looked at for promotions it was this vague set of corporate jargon which I dont even think she understood properly. She made it quite clear that upper management had given her documents and things to say and not to say. Which some of it included "to get a promotion you would need to be bringing in the company money, increasing efficiency for the entire company in some way (whether that be workflows etc), or using AI to expand your knowledge and share it with other team members and other people across the company". Ummm none of these are applicable to me... I'm a junior. How the hell do I move up. When I asked this she gave me more corporate jargon, and phrases, and things and just basically said "dont bury yourself in a project - make yourself seen".... what does that even mean. When my job is literally... get given a task... do task... get given new task... do task. Its very dificult. So yeah fair to say after this I was pissed.

My manager told me I could negotiate my raise, so I sent an email, do you think I got a response? Nope. I got HR telling me that they've gotten the request but the upper manager who I sent it to (with CCing HR) said nothing. Then I was ignored for about 3 weeks, and then I got sent a PDF confirming my raise of £26k so I assumed it was a hard no. And then a week later I got a hard no reply from HR. The upper manager couldnt even be bothered to give a reply or acknowledge it.

It was then that I started counting down the days until I could leave. I think every 2-3 days I'm re-looking at finances, trying to justify leaving earlier, fantasizing about leaving on the spot. I'm honestly dying to get away. But whats crazy is they've had very little work for me to do. So I've been given tasks like "spell check a document" or "find images for this slide"... its been minimal. But then my manager made a meeting to tell us we'll be expected to create these skills/ai's and i freaked out, and its been in my head ever since. She's currently away and will be away for another 3 weeks. So she said when she's back she'd like us to create AI's. But I'm in the mindset now of putting in my notice when she gets back and that way I can just tell her either I'm not comfortable with all this AI use, and hoenstly its taken the joy out of my work, or I'm wanting to leave to make use and travel around before going back to australia. Either one works for me. But still havent decided whats better. I guess I could do both.

But yeah thats whats currently been going on. I haven't really been doing too much. Oh mum booked flights, and we've been planning for a big month tour of europe together so that should be fun. I've also been thinking what comes after. So originally I had booked my flight for Feb, but I've moved it earlier, because honestly I'm keen to get out now. I could leave tomorrow. If it wasnt for europe summer and for mum coming here I would be out of here so quickly. Crazy how things can switch. Which speaking of I want to explain why and also write a letter to my future self who is probably dying to get back over here. Because she needs a big reality check.

Dear Future Me,

If you're staring out your window or scrolling through old videos/photos, or watching scotland tiktoks, and reminiscing and hoping to get back, this is for you.

I'm currently at probably the lowest (and biggest breaking point) since I got here so I want you to remember the reality of the situation.

Firstly you make almost 0 money, you're lucky to have any savings each month. Everything is expensive here, you go to eat out and there goes $100, you order in for one person and there goes $80, you go to order supermarket and there goes $200, sometimes $250 for 2 weeks of food. So nothing is cheap here.

Then you have the things to do problem. So when you first got here it was all so exciting. Even walking to the castle, on the royal mile was so exciting. Now its become part of your normal and honestly you dont care for it. You might want it when you go back to Australia, but I can tell you now after a couple days back here with it, it will lose its spark again. So then you've got the less amazing 'hidden gems' which you've also done 90% of. Then you've got your experiences that you could go to and spend multiple days there... the problem is that costs a lot of money. And on the salary here its terrible and you cant really afford it. You also have no car, not willing to drive, and so youre stuck with public transport. Which you've pretty much done most of the places in scotland (and UK) worth visiting via train. Then say okay, you have cheryl or you dont care youll revisit those cities/towns - well accommodation... good luck. You'll spend close to $200-400 sometimes more per night (depending on when it is). Again your salary here is shit.

Then you have the friends situation. Now right now I'm very much in an awkward moment, one of my closer friends has left and so I'm stuck now here with a few good friends but nothing super close. I'm also aware as my leaving date gets closer that in conversations with them (not sure if they mean to or not) but they slip out stuff like "not worth making new friends when you'll never see them again"... does that mean we wont be seeing each other ever again? Cause if so, thats sad. So yeah anyways these friends are nice, and I see them once a month or so. But then that leaves me with a lot of free time, which I was fine with at the start, but then the more I explored and did things myself, the more I've ticked off lots of experiences I was happy to do solo. So now I'm much more happy to settle with spending time with myself... in my flat... doing youtube or cleaning or watching shows. Its a pretty boring life. And sure that sounds nice, and it was nice up until the weather started getting really nice, and looking outside you cant help but feel that youre wasting good weather, but the idea of going out or doing something is exhausting or just not appealing. You go through a million ideas... a beach walk, walking into town, walking down the canal. The key theme has to be that its cheap, and preferably free and makes use of the outdoors, and its not too hard to get to or too far. The thing is none of those appeal. Again if you had money youd be willing to go and do weekend trips and even quit work and travel around the UK, Ireland... Greece? But you dont. You dont have any of that.

So I guess the common denominator is... money. But you dont want a job. You need to be in control. So for you to be in control you need to have a self sustaining business... aka youtube. You need to really focus on that right now. Get it to the point where you're not just living this independent life stuck in a flat cause you cant afford it, but you're doing that plus you can afford travelling comfortably. There is no use coming here or moving anywhere if you haven't been able to make yourself self sustainable. Thats the moral of the story. Stop romanticizing and start working and grinding. The dream is possible, you're half way there. 19 year old you was excited for her first $100 youtube paycheck from thespina xx, she could never have even imagined getting $1000 per month purely from youtube and then more from affiliates... that sounds crazy. I could only imagine how blessed and excited she would be to hear that. So dont put yourself down, you've acheived a lot more than most people do when it comes to youtube and your business, but you also have bigger dreams than just seeing it as a side hustle. And its getting there. You can do this. And you will do this.

And with that I will leave it there. I feel like I covered everything. But yeah one thing I didn't get into was the after mum leaves what I'll do for two months. My brain really wants to do the travelling around Ireland for a month, and maybe another month somewhere else? But I'm just very aware that costs soooo much money that I wont have if I want to quit. And right now I really want to quit, thats the biggest pain point. So I need to tell my job to FUCK OFF, and if it means 2 months of sitting in this apartment, watching shows, then thats what ill do.

Anyways,

Leaving you with that. I'll speak to you soon.

29....30 🎈 (14th March 2026, 12:46am)

So much is going on in my head right now I thought it was about time to sit and reflect. Let's start with its my 30th birthday in 2 days.

How am I feeling about it? Well I dont know I have mixed feelings about it. I'm appreciative of the life I've lived so far, the places I've seen, the experiences I've had. Not many people are lucky enough to have done what I have done. But another part of me looks at my life, and its just not where I thought I'd be at this age. If you asked 10 year old me what you thought I'd be doing at 30, I would've probably said married with 2 kids. Oh how I've changed, now I don't want a kid near me, let alone raise one. I also think if you asked 20 year old me what 30 year me would be doing, I think she would've thought maybe with a boyfriend/partner and settled in melb in a home of her own. Never did I think I'd be living in Edinburgh, although I think both 10 year old me and 20 year old me would find that so cool knowing their affinity for travel. I always longed for something more, for a different life. For more freedom than I had in australia and well here I have it. So yes, my feelings are quite complicated when it comes to turning 30.

I also am feeling odd about the celebration part. I look back in my life and in all my milestone birthdays I had family parties, friends parties, clubbing nights, etc. The celebrations had people all around me. Now I have nobody. I feel embarassed to have nobody, no big party. But I also couldn't think of anything worse. Like I dont need twenty eye balls staring at me, or waiting to hear what dumb shit comes out of my mouth next. Weirdly I never had that issue growing up, it seems to have developed after COVID, I noticed I second guessed everything I was saying, I wander why. But anyway thats not something we need to get into. We're here to discuss my celebrations.

What have I done and what will I be doing to celebrate? Well I spent last weekend and monday on an impromptu York trip. I didn't quite know what to expect, but honestly it was an absolute highlight for me. So fun! I'd go back in a heart beat, the museums there are next level, especially the castle museum and fairfax house, it felt like stepping back in time. I also felt safe which has become a huge thing for me. In jan I went to lisbon and I swear on my last day I had men staring at me up and down, and pointing, I felt so uncomfortable, I ended up going straight back to my hotel and waiting hours for my uber, it ruined my last day there. So york was nice and refreshing. But anyways yes, I decided to treat myself to a york trip, I stayed at their fanciest hotel there, and did everything I wanted to do. Then I got back and was faced with a bad period, and vertigo. There's also a war that has started with US, Israel and Iran, and theres all this speculation that fuel prices are going to go through the roof, and I'm worried I'm gonna get stuck here. (Although a part of me is like "is that really a bad thing"). I also am unsure about my job, worried about getting made redundant cause of AI and the fact they know I'm going back to Australia. And if that happens earlier than I plan to quit... well im screwed and will need to go home earlier. So anyways thats been this week, and as you can see my vertigo... well its probably got good reason to flair up. Anyways, I also booked to stay at Prestonfield house on my actual birthday night as another gift to myself, but im not sure how i feel about that. Like isnt it super lame staying in a hotel solo in the city you live in? Anyways it is what it is. I've invited a friend for the dinner, so that should be good, but otherwise thats it. Then I'm 30. Then what? What happens to me? What changes? I wager nothing. What are my goals for the next decade? Well...

Get a full time income via self employment

Pay off my Hecs debt

Put in what I should have in my super

Save for a home

I think they're my main goals. Although I also see me travelling back to edinburgh each year (if no wwIII breaks out lol).

But let me leave future me with some questions to answer please...

Are you happy?

Do you ever get in relationship? One that you genuinely are happy in?

What have been the ultimate highlights you've had between when I'm writing this and when you're reading this?

Where do you consider home? Edinburgh? Australia? Where do you long to be?

Did you go back into old habits when you got home?

How is your self confidence?

What do you wish I knew that you know now?

Would you do anything differently with how things have turned out?

There, thats what I think I'd want to know. But it wouldn't be fair if I didn't answer these myself... so let me do that... reflecting back on the past 10 years of my life.

Are you happy? Yes mostly, I think theres moments where I get lonely, or I wish I was skinny, or I wish I had more people around me, but ultimately yes. I've gotten to travel, to live overseas, explore historic places, but ultimately I dictate my life. I'm in control and have been since I moved over here. Before that I did uni and actually finished, and before that I travelled, partied, kissed lots of hot guys in clubs, stayed up way too late and drank way too much with my friends. I've lived a good 20s. I dont know why but that made me cry. I feel like I'm mourning my 20s right now. Like looking back I've got to do a lot, and I miss certain moments, and certain people, and wish I could step back even for a second or two.

Do you ever get in relationship? One that you genuinely are happy in? Nope, after v&a it kind of fucked me up, I dated and have dated, gone on lots of dates, had a couple of ons, but nothing really was good. But ultimately I've come to realise that I really like my own company, and for someone to come in my life they have to significantly add to it, before I sacrifice my peace. And the older I get the dating pool gets worse, and honestly I hear nothing but bad things from married women, so who knows, but im not super optimistic, and I'm also not really going out of my way to find it. In fact up until last year I was on the dating apps constantly from 16 years old, then last year I decided enough was enough and that was it. I've found peace in just letting it be.

What have been the ultimate highlights you've had between when I'm writing this and when you're reading this? I'm going to pretend this was from when I turned 20 to now. And honestly theres quite a few, from going to tomorrowland with my best friend at the time, to looking out at that old ruin from a floating nightclub in corfu under the moonlight, to stepping foot on the royal mile for the first time, or seeing any of the outlander filming lcoations for the first time, to overdosing on italian pastries with mum in rome, to graduating uni, to seeing stonehenge with mum, to getting my first flat all by myself, to working my first full time proper job (and staying in for 1.5 years and counting), to sitting on the boat on loch ness for the first time and seeing the surroundings, to exploring dozens of ruins and castles, to having iconic paranormal experiences, the list honestly goes on and on. I've had so many amazing experiences, and I cant wait to have more.

Where do you consider home? Edinburgh? Australia? Where do you long to be? Both for me right now. I dont think I've stayed in Edinburgh long enough to be my proper home, and I still refer to Australia as home, but this flat is my home, more than my parents house is mine right now, so yeah its a half half situation going on.

How is your self confidence? Right now in Edinburgh its fantastic, I don't really think about my looks nearly as much as I do when I'm home. I don't feel the incessant need to put makeup on, have nails done, be skinny, or dress up. This has felt like home since the day I stepped foot in this country, and its relaxed low key vibe is something that just felt like home to me, its what I most identified with. I dont think about my body 10x a day here, in fact, its strange if I think about it more than once in every 3-4 days, and usually when I do I look at myself in the mirror and think "yeahh hotty". I'm not comparing myself to those around me, and I just feel free. Like a different person here, I think with 0 expectations around me, I feel better, and thats something I'm dreading about losing when I go back to Aus.

What do you wish I knew that you know now? Well if I could go back and talk to 20 year old me I'd say youre not dumb, you just havent quite found what you're passionate about exactly, you'll get there though.

Would you do anything differently with how things have turned out? I was just thinking I dont think I'd tell myself to do anything different, like everything happens for a reason right? Like I cant even think of anything big to say dont do this, or change this. I've lived a good 20s I think. The travel for me has been a huge part, and I guess it just shows I need to keep doing it!

On that note time to wind down for bed. I guess Ill speak with you soon. Bye x

Lets process my issues with dad beyond logic (3rd jan 2026)

I was just chatgpting and having it psycho analyse my earlier post to you, it was telling me...

"You’ve already done the cognitive work:

You understand what happened

You see the patterns

You’ve made conscious life choices because of it

You don’t idealise him or deny harm

What’s left isn’t insight — it’s residual emotional charge.

That shows up as:

still referencing him internally

still bracing against “becoming him”

still carrying a quiet grief for what wasn’t there

still needing to position yourself in relation to him

Processing beyond logic means:

letting this relationship stop being an active reference point in your nervous system.

Not forgiveness. Not reconciliation. Not forgetting.

Just less internal weight.

Step 1: Separate “understanding” from “emotional completion”

A psychologist would likely say:

“You understand your father. Now we need to let your body catch up.”

Because emotions don’t resolve through insight alone.

So instead of asking:

Why was he like this?

How did this affect me?

You start asking:

What did this cost me emotionally?

What never got acknowledged?

What did I need that I didn’t get?

This is grief work, not analysis."

So let's do it.

What it cost you...

When you think about your dad, what did it cost you emotionally to grow up around that energy?

I think it just cost me a stable home, I never knew what side of him I was going to get, I was walking on egg shells around him a lot. I also think him being not interested in me as well was hard. Like I wanted his attention when I was younger and I wanted his approval I wanted to talk to him, but he couldnt have been less interested. He interupted me mid sentences, barely acknowledged me when I needed it. And I just felt overlooked and like an annoyance, which as an adult now I can admit to probably being. I think it just resulted in me always having to read his emotions, and trying to anticipate his moods or when we were about to get yelled at. It was instability.

What did you learn you had to do or not do to avoid conflict or tension?

Honestly, I just tried to distance myself which wasn't too hard to do, he was barely interested in us as kids, so I'd play in different rooms, or avoid interacting too much with him. Usually most of the tension came when I wasnt doing something he expected or asked for, that could range from getting him a glass of water, to cleaning the garden with him (which i hated). I remember him saying all the time if we'd say no (and he still does sometimes) "ill remember this, dont think that ill forget it, and you'll see one day youll ask me something and ill remember this". I dont know why, now I look back and think what a stupid thing to say... like hed say that over me not getting a water for him, or not cleaning the table, or something small, and if I refused something big, like not working in his shop, or not helping him outside hed yell, scream, it was a lot. But yeah that was the thing. I guess I learnt to avoid him to avoid whatever mood(s) he was in.

What part of yourself got quieter, smaller, or more careful because of him?

I stopped talking to him as much I'm not sure when. But I do remember there were times hed pick me up from primary school and I wanted to talk to him and ask him questions like basic ones. And I couldn't. The words couldnt come out of my mouth because I knew I'd get dismissed, talked over, interupted, with him making a call to some friend, or just zoning out and playing the radio and I just couldnt take that rejection. I also think i just stopped hanging around him and minimised my time around him (and consequently my mum) as I was scared of his reactions. But when he wasnt around I was myself.

What you needed but didn’t get

What did you need from him that you never really received?

A dad. Like I never had a father figure. He was never around. He never came to concerts. He never really knew anything going on in my life, from school, to friends, to really anything. It was kind of like living with an acquaintance, in fact I've had acquaintances that knew (and know) more of my life than he did/does. I'd see kids at school with their normal dads who would attend things, and encourage them, and connect with them, and I had this barbarian monkey who couldnt express himself, acted like a child, had a cigarette in one hand, grunting, and coming in hunting camo clothes the one day a week he had to pick us up that he wasnt working. I'd get to school smelling like smoke. I just wanted a normal dad. Someone who I could connect with and talk to.

In moments where you were overwhelmed, excited, or proud — what was missing?

He was missing. There were concerts. There were events that he just didnt come to because he "had to work", I know now as an adult that was bullshit. If he truly wanted to he couldve gotten one of his workers to close up, or he couldve closed an hour earlier one day, but yeah no. Why would we do that. I also want to add, when I was stressed or overwhelmed or even in pain, if he had asked me to do something there was 0 understanding, it was do it, or you're making excuses, and you're lazy. And its still like that. When I've been going through tough times, he has no idea as we just dont talk, so its this awkward relationship, and even in moments I tried to talk, he was absent, he was there physically but was not concentrating or even present, or even listening, id literally be in the middle of a sentence and hed interupt or walk off.

What would it have meant to you if he had been emotionally available in the way you needed?

I think I'd be a whole different person today if he could've been emotionally available. I think it would've meant a lot and made a huge difference, not just for me, but for our whole family.

What never got acknowledged

What do you wish he had noticed about you?

I think its hard to answer this about kid me, i think, just i wish he had seen me as more than just his kid... like i had emotions, feelings, stories, things happening in my life, and i think he just saw me as a extension of himself. His daughter. His first born. Nothing more than that. I think now I do wish he'd notice how hard working I am, but he's so technologically clueless he sees what I do as lazy, all he sees is me on a couch all day with my laptop and just says laziness. But he thinks most of the world is lazy unless you're him.

What effort of yours went unseen or unappreciated?

Weirdly my first instinct was how much time do you have but I cant think of much. Like my efforts as a kid, i cant name. I was a pretty shit kid. I had undiagnosed ADHD and I think some sort of autism, I was over sensitive, hated school, hated authority, hated homework, hated waking up for school, hated going to school, hated greek school, hated extra curricula's, I was miserable. But I also knew that id thrive once i had finished school which i did. Not necessarily in uni, as i flunked most of my subjects until i was much older, and managed to find what i was passionate about but even then id say both him and even my grandparents said i took too long to get my degree (i was 27).

But yeah I think I'm more so pissed that none of my parents really saw my behavioural issues. Like I was in primary school not wiping because of the sensation, and all the kids were bullying me cause i stunk... and I was embarassed to talk about it to my parents, and I look back now and think thats a massive issue a parent should've picked up. And same thing with a few other things, my attention span, my lack of interest in school, my hate for it. My lack of ability to understand what was going on. My lack of memory. It was all right there. But thats on both of my parents, in saying that my mum had 2 other kids to worry about and she was trying to pretty much raise us as a single mum, she did her best.

What do you feel was never properly named or validated?

I'm not sure what this question means, but I'd say he invalidated my feelings a lot of the time, by saying im lazy when I didnt want to do things. And he now invalidates my feelings when I've told him some of this stuff and he says that he never anything wrong and i've made him the villain in my head. The gaslighting was super real.

The emotional residue

When you think about him now, where do you feel it in your body (if anywhere)?

I feel like my head and id say my hands, i get angry, i get a headache and my forehead hurts from frowning.

Is the feeling more like sadness, tension, heaviness, irritation, numbness — or something else?

Its more angryness, fustration, and annoyance. I'm sad i missed out on having a proper dad, and I will always grieve for that loss for my younger self, but above anything the thought of him makes me furious. He acts terribly still, and does not care about anyone around him, including my mum. He is such a narcissist, and his ADHD makes it soooo much worse!

What emotion do you tend to skip over and go straight to logic about?

I try to calm myself down by reminding myself that he is the way he is because of his brain and theres not much to be done.

The younger you

If you picture a younger version of yourself in his presence, what is she feeling?

Scared. Shes watching his facial expressions and body language trying to decipher what mood hes in and if hes going to yell or react badly to something she says or does.

What did she believe about herself in those moments?

She couldnt think clearly enough, she wasnt thinking about herself in those moments. She was thinking about him. And how to make him less angry, or less upset.

What did she need to hear that she didn’t?

you didnt need to do that. He is a grown adult. Youre a child. You dont need to be scanning him and trying to anticipate his moods, or trying to lessen the reaction. I know youre scared, and you also dont want to see him angry, but he is the adult he should been in charge of his reactions. You deserve better. And your mum should have protected you.

Finish this sentence honestly, without explaining it:

What hurt the most was [walking on egg shells around him]

“I learned early that [i needed to manage other's emotions]

I'm going to leave it here for now as its almost 3am. But here's the chat for tomorrow: Letter to Future Self

2026 here i come. future me this is for you. (3rd Jan 2026)

So I made it through 2025, and i thought i'd take some time to reflect and also have a chat with you, future self.

Let's start with how I felt about 2025. I know 2025 seemed to be a rough year for a lot of people, but not for me. I went back to Australia, it made me appreciate living in Scotland, I got to travel to so many cool places around Scotland (I got to see culloden, clava cairns, inside balmoral castle, loch ness, isle of arran), I made some new friends, I made new business connections, I grew my youtube channel by 5k subs and 2.3M views, I got back in front of the camera, I started voicing videos, I got to see some amazing places on the Ionian Islands in Greece, I recognized some more of my behaviours attached to my very undiagnosed ADHD, I grew as a person, I have learnt more about myself. Wow that was a long paragraph, but you get the point, I've done a lot this year, and weirdly although it had a few bad moments, the majority was quite good. I know there'll be one day I'll be reading back on this post and all my other scotland posts thinking 'wow how lucky you were and had no idea' while stuck in australia. I know I'm lucky but I promise you it wont be the last time you're in Scotland. You'll be back and I know it. Speaking of let's get into this reflection and message to you future self.

I'm not quite sure how to start this, so I asked Chat GPT to give me some questions and prompts to get me started...

The first one being... "How do you actually feel at this exact point in your life — not how you think you should feel?"

I feel a mix of happiness, contentment, a tiny bit of loneliness, and some sadness. I'm happy I get to do everything when I want, and do what I want, I manage my emotions myself, I do everything myself, I'm literally living the most independent life you could. But that does come at a cost, at times it can get lonely, mostly at nights, and I kinda wish I had someone, but at the same time I know most people get on my nerves, they piss me off, they disappoint, and they take advantage. So I just rather be solo unless someone absolutely amazing comes along and adds a lot of value to my life. I'm sad a little bit as I know and have always known deep down that my time in Scotland is fleeting, I had 2 years on a visa, with 12 months option to extend. I'm doing the extension, but this March will mark by 2nd year, so I have only this year. And after this winter, I've decided not to stay in Winter next year, I'll be heading back home early-mid december to be home for Christmas and New Year (yes I'm already panicking about family events and the shop), but I just need to remind myself I'm 30 years old, and I will decide what I do and when I do it and I don't have to be perfect. I can be myself, and if people dont like that then it's their loss.

What has quietly surprised you about yourself?

I'm not sure if its been this year, or really the last 2 years, but I think doing this move completely alone, and solo, without knowing anybody, or knowing how the scottish systems work is something I'm quite proud of and surprised. I've acheived a lot over the last 2 years, and who knew me moving out of my parents house would be all the way across the world. It's pretty amazing. And I've managed to build a life here, a nice one. I got a job, pretty much a dream job, little effort, completely remote, no cameras, and im confident in what im doing. Ive made friends here (sure some are questionable but we also shared some amazing memories). I did a lot of solo travelling, and saw so much, things I will never forget. But most of all I've built this youtube channel. And that's not something to shy away from.

What are you proud of that no one really sees?

Definitely my youtube channel, I dont think people really understand what goes into it. Like I work sooo much more than the average person and if I did a calculation to see how much I'm earning per hour its probably close to $1-2, but I know it'll pay off one day. Plus I love it, it brings me so much happiness and satisfaction. I'm obsessed. I imagine this is what my dad feels like about his shop.

In what moments this year did you feel most like yourself?

The good thing about moving out, and living alone is that all the time I'm alone and in my home, I'm myself. I feel good, I feel me. I don't have to worry about what others are thinking, or how others are feeling. I'm me. I dont need to worry about managing others emotions, or making them feel better which is so refreshing.

If your youtube doesnt work out exactly how you imagined, what do you hope you didn’t sacrifice along the way?

I think my biggest worry is letting key moments pass me by, and not taking opportunities, or picking to stay at home to work rather than doing something cool. I think im terrible at leaving work or not doing work, so I really do hope (and I'm trying to implement it more) that I say yes to things, and do things a bit more, plus most of the time, it means great footage. I did this last week twice - I went to the torchlight procession when I really couldn't be bothered going and I filmed, posted some shorts and on FB right now its got 30k views and 1k likes, if thats not a sign from god telling me to get out there more, I dont know what is. Plus it happened again when I forced myself out to go and see the Hogmanay fireworks - but that got 36k views and 1.1k likes (as of now), so yes the universe is telling me go out there and live those moments, and ill be rewarded.

Who has made you feel safe this year?

The only answer to this one is my mum.

Who drained you — and what did that teach you?

My dad. It made me realize I don't need to ask permission anymore. I'm a grown woman, and I should just do. And unfortunately he will always not understand what hes done, or the things he missed out on, or how the distance between him and his kids is because of him. But I've also learnt that I am more like him than I care to admit, and I think I'd be the same with kids. Work would always come first, I'd be annoyed to be interrupted, I'd be annoyed that they wouldn't help when I ask them to help, and I'd probably lose my temper as much as he does. The difference is... I choose not to carry on that behaviour. I choose not to have children. I choose a life that I would be happy with. I choose one where I don't upset kids, or damage them the way he has damaged me.

How do you want future-you to feel in your relationships?

I really just want to enjoy hanging out with people. I think I left australia frustrated. Most of my friendships, if not all, annoyed me. I was angry a lot of the time, judgemental and just fustrated, I also wasnt actually enjoying hanging out with those friends, I felt like anytime I had to go and see them was more so for looks to my family of 'look i have friends'. I left australia annoyed with everyone. I genuinely remember thinking 'i dont think friendships are fun anymore'. But I'm glad I came here, I think the distance from mum was a big thing, as friendships just cant compare to hanging with her, but its also made me realise there are people out there that I can vibe with I just need to find them. I need to find the people I really am happy to chat to, and just be in the moment, no awkwardness, no scared to cross lines, no being taken advantage of, and common interests.

What do you wish future-you would be gentler about?

I mean this is something I think I needed and need to be better about in general across my life... being kinder to myself and putting myself first. Instead of worrying what the other person is feeling, or disappointing them I just need to choose me. And also not overexplain.

What does “taking care of yourself” actually look like for you — not the ideal version?

I think listening to my body. If I feel socially exhausted... leave/dont do anything. If I'm getting itchy, or I feel gross...shower. If I feel restless... get up, go for a walk, get out. If I feel angry... take some time to myself to breathe.

What patterns are you slowly unlearning?

I think the biggest thing for me is choosing me, and making decisions on what I want to do and what makes me happy. Not about impressing others, or trying to make other people happy. Its about me. And also on the flip side of that, acknowledging when I'm wanting to say no to something... is it anxiety, or just purely me not wanting to do it cause it sound boring/unappealing? Somewhere along the line those 2 things got muddled, and I need to re-learn what I actually dont like vs being scared to do them. If its me being scared holding me back... I gotta do it. If its me being like 'mehh doesnt sound fun' then its a no.

What are you afraid of right now?

I'm afraid of going back home and going back into old habits. And unfortunately that's inevitable. But I do want to urge you (future self) if you're home, and you're feeling nostalgic, or sad to be there, or stuck. Get in your car and drive to a park, or something, and go sit outside and just think about your time in scotland, think about yourself exploring castles. Imagine yourself on loch ness. And just know a version of you is doing that right now. I'm getting emotional even writing this, as I know this will 100% occur. And I just want you to know that you have all the power in the world to make your life better. You can and will do it. If you've gotten lost, get back on that path and put a plan in place.

What do you hope future-you forgives you for?

I hope you forgive me for spending so much time in my house over these last 2 years. I really do love having a safe space, and my own space. And I love working, so just know although I didn't probably do heaps of travelling, everything i did i did because it made me happy/comfortable. I dont regret it and neither should you. In saying that I did make an effort last year to explore more of scotland, and this year I'm going to make an effort to explore more of europe and scotland.

What do you hope future-you has more of?

This is probably where you start yelling at me through the screen. But I hope you have more of everything. I want you to have more happiness, more freedom, more money, more love. I just want you to be happy and content and fulfilled. I know you'll probably be working on some sort of goal as its become more obvious I'm not someone that can give up to easily or just sit back and do nothing. I do hope its the youtube, maybe its a media business now, but maybe you admitted defeat (although I really dont see that happening at all, i think youtube is more likely to shut down that you closing the channel and even then I think youd find an alternative). But I also just want to touch on, I hope you go on more dates (I know they're scary and sometimes just awful) but learn to say no, and they wont be as bad, and also you might just find a partner. I dont mean to sound gross and cheesy, but someone who is your equal would be nice, moving in, splitting chores, being there for eachother, it would be nice, but also I dont want that coming at the cost of you emotional sanity. It should be good and calm. No massive fights, no mind fucking, and no insecurity. Just pure normalness. Kind of like you have now... chill at home. When people ask whats going on in your life... literally nothing... working, exploring the world, and just being happy. Its hard to fight that.

What do you hope future-you has let go of?

I want to say the stuff about dad. But at the same time I don't want to be too negative. Like all of that has made you the person you are, and you get a different life because of it.

If future-you is struggling, what do you want them to hear from you?

Remember the hill? How many hills have we climbed? I'll tell you what it would be a shame to cut anything short and miss out on whatever is on the top of that next hill. Cause I'll tell you what I've had some amazing moments on top of those hills, and what a shame it would've been to miss them. I've been so glad to have pushed through to make it to where I am today and you should feel the same, if not more prouder and gladder than me, you've done more. Also just remember you have the key to improving your life. Its your life. Its not your parents life. Not your friends life. Not your grandparents life. Its yours. Do what you want, its not selfish, its literally your life. Do what makes you happy. Make it work. You can and will get through whatever you're facing. Just try to block out outside voices. And if its too hard, maybe you need to get away for a while and find yourself again.

Now I've answered those, I want to leave you with some questions to answer.

Are you happier than I am right now?

What’s different about your daily life?

What did you stop worrying about that feels silly now?

What turned out to matter far less than I think it does right now?

What still hurts and what finally softened?

Did you choose yourself when it mattered?

Is the life you’re building actually supporting you, emotionally and financially?

Did you make it on Youtube full time? Was it worth trusting the process?

Have you been dating and did anything come of it?

Are you kinder to your body?

What do you wish you understood sooner?

What would you tell me to stop overthinking?

What are you proud of me for surviving?

Do you miss Scotland? Did you go back?

Do you feel settled anywhere or did you make peace with being someone who belongs in more than one place?

Did you stop feeling the need to explaining your choices and actions to people around you?

What does “home” mean to you now?

What would you change about the past if you could?

Did you allow yourself to choose comfort without calling it failure?

Did you ever stop carrying everything alone?

What pain actually led somewhere meaningful?

But above everything I need to know...

are we okay? do you feel proud of the life you’re living? do you feel free?

If you could sit with me for five minutes on this night, what would you say to me, and what would you want me to stop worrying about?

Whatever life looks like when you read this, I hope you feel how hard I tried to have tried to live honestly. Be kind to me, I'm doing my best and I'm doing it with my heart.

Its not about looks or status for me. It's about what makes me happy. And to me my ideal life right now is freedom. Youtube takes off, I do that full time, with 100k+ per year, letting me travel the world, stay in some amazing hotels (for free), business class flights, nice house, and I get to do what i want when i want. I have great friends who are genuine, and sure occasionally we bicker, but ultimately i look forward to hanging out with them, i get to spend time with mum, travel with her, give her some amazing luxury experiences shes only ever dreamed of, in fact id love to shout my yiayia and papou business class flights thats really a dream of mine, and ill have a partner who is primarily a best friend first, i like spending time with him and he with me. we get to travel and just enjoy eachother. thats what my ideal life looks like.

This isn't a love song. (2nd Nov 2025 - 8:53pm)

I'm not really sure why I'm starting this post, but I just know I need it. I'm currently sitting in my flat, in my bed in the dark typing this while listening to sad music. That seems to be my playlist lately. Last year I had disney songs, specifically the anastasia one over and over again on repeat. This year it's a mix of old twilight songs, and just sad stuff. Right now i feel a bit sad so yeah it suits, but most of the time I'm just wanting calm quiet music and this playlist seems to do it.

So let's talk...

I've gone on two dates in the last month and the first one was shockingly bad, i was looking at my phone the entire time, i felt like i was having to find conversation, and he spoke about himself a lot, and then it ended in the worst way... a very forceful intense kiss from him. I genuinely felt unsafe walking away from him. So yeah there was that.

And then there was this one that I went on a few nights ago. I was dreading it, in fact I wanted to cancel, but I made myself go and I'm kinda glad I did. The date started off awkwardly, he was mumbling, and I could barely hear him or understand him, but then it got better, I think he relaxed and so did I. Then we went for a drink, and it got even more chill, the walk to the pub was nice, the sitting in the pub talking and just joking around, it was fun, he made me laugh, and I liked that. Then that was it.

I got home, barely heard anything from him, and it's now 2 days later and he's barely put any effort into messaging me, so I kind of am assuming its a no go, but at the same time its his bday weekend, so im trying to be understanding, but usually if you're excited about someone you'd be messaging them, like i wanna be talking to him a lot, but im holding myself back to stop myself. Why? because hes not giving me a lot. So i dont wanna give him too much. I asked him this morning what he thought of our date and he said he had fun and he'd be down to meet up again but hes concerned of the distance, which yeah i get. but were both adults and both work from home. i know im jumping the gun but i liked him, and id like to think i can see myself telling him to come stay at mine for a few days and vice versa, we could literally work in each others places, but hes giving me nothing so i cant even let myself think like that.

This is the thing, i feel like most of the dates I go on are bad, in fact only his has been a good one (other than that one bloody one... you know the picnic one), 10 years on and im still thinking about it. fucking shocking man. what an asshole to do that kind of date, what an asshole all round. i look back and his behaviour was horrendous for a grown man. he knew what he was doing and yet me the dumb teenager because thats what i was fell for it.

Why am i always feeling like this? why does it always come back to him and my dad. both of those. why cant a normal guy just like me. Its all the bloody weirdos that want second dates, and the ones id even consider wont give me the time of day. im almost 30 and im sitting here thinking... will i ever find someone who wants to hang with me all the time? will i ever find someone that just wants to be arround me? will i ever find someone who will look at me and just think "wow, im so lucky"? cause right now it sure as hell feels like i wont. 30 years on this earth and nothing. ok not nothing... a fuckboy who was too lonely to let me go and used me like a psych, a fuckboy rat boy who fucked my bestie behind my back while taking my virginity, a fuckboy cokehead adult (almost pedo) who was manipulating me the entire time and lying to me. they're the key ones. I've dated since but no one really sticks out, its usually 1-5 dates of mehh and then a break up from them, even though if im being completely honest, there wasnt a huge spark and i was holding back in the hopes that id protect myself but if im honest the rejection still hit hard, i was mourning the loss of a potential relationship and the idea id have to start from scratch.

Anyways idk why im telling you all this, i guess ive been feeling a bit lonely lately, wanting a partner to share this life with and then also feeling confused. Like am i sick of edinburgh? Have i done everything i've wanted to do? Do I want to go back to Australia and if so, what will my life look like there? What do I really want my life to look like?

When I think of my ideal life, what does it look like? Hmmm.... let me think... me here, nice scottish boy in bed next to me, cuddles, he brings me tea in bed we talk about all sorts of nonsense, we go on weekend trips together, and explore the country together, we go back to australia each year for 2-3 months to visit my fam, stay in my bedroom up there, and he comes with me to all the fam events, keeping me calm and happy, reassuring me, making sure im ok. He loves me. He looks out for me.

See im crying now cause i just feel like that is not meant to be for me. And to be honest I'd rather be alone than settle for someone who makes me miserable or takes me for granted. I want equal. I want almost to be worshipped but I also want to give him every part of myself too. Its scary but Ill do it if hes doing it.

Thats what I want.

LP 🕊️

So theres a lot that I need to fill you in on, but right now I just need to ramble for a bit. To quickly mention what you've missed, well I spent 4 weeks in Greece with the family, most of it was good until the last really 2 weeks, and of course that was Chios. I had what we called the big crash out of 2025, and basically got into a huge fight with my dad/just yelled and yelled. I just couldn't anymore. He is so selfish, he doesn't consider anyone else around him. And he's so self absorbed and just stubborn. The narcissism was strong. I usually ignore it, as I know if I bring anything up it just goes in one ear and out the other. But I hit a breaking point, and it exploded, and let's just say right now I couldn't care less about him. I'm not really feeling like talking to him, he tried calling me about a week ago, I ignored it. And then mum told me to call him but I didn't. And then he messaged me, I replied but quite bluntly, told him I was working. And that was the extent of it. He said some pretty stupid things in our argument, saying I've made him the villain in my head, that it's all made up. That he's never done anything wrong to me. Basically gas lighting me. The thing is when you have three kids, who ok 1 puts up with him, but the other 2 want absolutely nothing to do with him, in fact, they feel physically uncomfortable around him, there's something there.

But yeah anyway, thats whats going on there.

On another note...I've been weirdly reminiscing a lot about my high school years. And things have just been coming up recently. It's almost the one year anniversary of Liam's death. Louis did a tell all interview yesterday on everything about the band and the boys, and tonight well I just came from watching Twilight in cinemas. It feels so surreal that so much time has passed. Like what 15 years ago I was obsessed with Twilight and One Direction.

I keep reflecting on Liam, and after hearing what Louis had to say about him, it made me realise just how much (I want to be careful how I say this) but it made me realise that he had similar traits to what I do, and also he was so passionate about what he did. Now I use to have a huge parasocial relationship with him, the man didn't even know I existed. He and the band, saved me. They saved my life at a time where I literally saw black for a future. I remember it so vividly, sitting in bed. Usually I use to imagine a hill and me climbing up it, I was stuck continuously treading up hill, and when I finally finished high school it would be all down hill from there, but until then I had bumps, rocks, scratches, going up that hill and it was exhausting. But at one stage it got so bad, I was trying to picture a future, the top of the hill was meant to be happiness, it was meant to be a nice boy waiting for me up there, and then and easy walk right down the hill into happiness, with a few minor hills, but nothing as bad as what I was currently experiencing. That was until things felt worse than ever and I cant remember exactly what was happening for me to go down this road, but I just remember being in bed one night and there was nothing. There was no hill, there was no scenery, there was just black. Darkness. I couldn't see a future anymore. I couldn't see a reason to continue anymore. I remember thinking if I ended it my poor mum, my poor sister, the whole family would be devastated, I kept thinking of them finding my body. It was the main reason I had to start searching for happiness elsewhere. Liam and One Direction were the small flame that just lit up the darkness a small amount. I spent all my time listening to their music, watching interviews, writing about them, scrolling through the one direction side of tumblr, reading interviews, imagining I was in a relationship with Liam. And weirdly I was living in a fantasy land for a few years, in school I'd be talking about them with my best friend(s), we'd be sharing videos of them, I'd be listening to their music. I even remember cutting a cake for Liams birthday one year with my best friend, in fact I think we did it twice. It was just what made me get through a really tough period. And the weird thing was, to this day I haven't quite experienced the high that watching one of their videos, or listening to their music gave me. I think once high school finished the hill visual came back and things started feeling less... dark. And when things did, I started feeling more like myself. I had more autonomy, I was going out, things felt better. And I don't remember exactly what happened, but I do remember there was a guy, and we stopped talking or something occured, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked around my room. All my walls were covered in one direction. Idk what happened but in that moment I broke. The guy didnt even know my walls were covered and it was totally unrelated, I think I just felt like I needed to grow up in that instance. It was like a milestone for me. I started ripping down the posters, crying, saying goodbye, saying it wasnt real, and I remember I carefully removed my favourite liam posters, which were the ones I attached. I felt bad, it was almost like I didnt want to hurt him, and I also knew as much as I couldn't anymore with the obsession, with everything, I knew he would always have my heart. I use to play sims all the time (I still do sometimes) and to this day I still create him and put him in my world, and 9x out of 10, I end up with him. I know it wasn't real, and I knew it then, but I was emotionally in denial, my brain needed to believe whatever lie I had told myself to stay alive. And then when things got better, my brain no longer had to be in denial, it snapped back into reality, I knew he didnt know me, I knew he wasn't who he presented himself as, that the public persona was probably completely different to who he was as a person.

And as I started getting older, it really resonated with me more and more. I didnt block him or go out of my way to ignore him, whenever I saw him in the news, or on socials, or he had a new song, anytime he popped up, I'd smile, and listen, support, watch, and it was my way of just acknowledging and supporting. Like an old friend. I was happy for him, I wanted him to find success. I wanted him to be happy. He brought me so much happiness in my life, that I just wanted him to be happy. Part of me growing up, meant not really checking on him too much, leaving him be.

But the last couple of years before his death, it was clear he was struggling. I just wanted him to be ok. I never in a million years thought he'd... pass. Like I thought we'd probably die similar times, I mean we were similar in age. So it was just crazy when I'm sitting at home on a wednesday night, my friend was staying with me, she had fallen asleep on the couch, we were watching the terrifier 3 i think, it must have been about 10pm, and i just get this message from my sister. "liam died". I didnt know what to think. I think in that second I was like "no. it has to be fake", and then I went on google to search his name. And I saw it, and I kept trying to justify it in my head. Like no, its fake. It must be a hoax. It cant be. And then article after article came up, photos of the hotel outside came up, and I realised it wasnt a hoax. I woke up my friend but she did not give a shit, and then I went into my room, and went down a rabbit hole. From watching the live feed outside his hotel, with the body going into the van to take him to the morgue, to then watching videos of people talking about what happened, trying to piece together what and how. I still couldnt process it. I do think I almost need to go to wolverhampton to say goodbye to him. I just to this day feel... like I can't believe his gone. He deserved better. Louis' interview was enlightening, he really talked about Liam's personality, and how he was, and how he was struggling too. But what I got out of it, was that he was sooo driven, and he was so dedicated to what he did, and so passionate. He got out of one direction, and then was forever looking for the high that he experienced in it, the crowds, the everything. He was troubled. Louis said it perfectly... "At 24 I just knew everything was downhill from here".... how do you wrap your head around that. Like even say Harry, he's mega successful, but not as successful as what one direction was. And his fan base is more diverse, where as I just dont think there are more dedicated fans than teenage girls. So yeah his interview made me realise alot. Like I knew that the persona that all celebrities have in the public is different to their actual personality, but the way he described Liam, I just find it hard to say thats made up. And I dont think it is. He said he was troubled, and also kind, and just passionate, and I imagine that he was. And I choose to believe that. Its just sad because when I heard that, I just thought in my head "wow we wouldve gotten along". And I think the fact is I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to say hello. And I have to be ok with that. Also his family. His son. They also didnt get to say goodbye, and I just think he was human. And he had loved ones, and he was so young. And yes people die all the time, but he saved my life. And I think I will forever mourn him.

Liam, I want to tell you that I love you and I thank you for everything you did for me. I know you don't know me, but you saved my life, I'm here today because of you. And no, before you say to me "if it wasn't us it would've been someone else", I want to say no. I saw in you beauty, responsibility, friendliness, kindness, dedication, and those eyes. I can't bring myself to say goodbye. But I will say thank you. Because I'm happy that I'm still here, and I wouldn't be if it wasn't for you and One Direction. I think that's what it is. Survivors guilt. When you passed, I remember thinking I wish you hadn't gone through X Factor, at least you would've lived. I probably wouldn't have, but your talent... and you. You deserved to live. You deserved better. But I will say after hearing Louis talk about how dedicated you were, I imagine you were quite like me where you'd be extremely miserable not doing your passion, and you would've kept trying, so ultimately I choose to believe if it wasn't X factor, it would've been some other way, and I also choose to believe if it didn't happen for you, then no you wouldn't have been happy. I still have this image in my head of you sitting around a christmas tree in a living room, with a wife, and your son, opening presents, and just being normal. No fame, no anything. Just the boy next door, and I think thats what I want for you but you had a goal, and just like me, you wouldn't have been happy to not be able to have all these people listening to your music, or supporting your talent. You had a voice, and they need(ed) to hear it. I'm going to leave it there Liam. Thank you so much. I love you. And maybe one day we will meet in whatever life, afterlife, world, timeline, I'd like to believe I get to tell you some of this in person. Fly high 🕊️

- Desi

Welcome drinks. 31st aug 25. 3:35am.

So im currently in bed in ithaki after the welcome drinks for syennas wedding. Mum and my sister are sleeping. Its 3.25am and im wide awake. I weirdly cant stop thinking about this guy. Im guessing ill look back at this post and not even remember the guy and im probably just over dramariaing/reading into it. But hes hot. My age. Likes to travel. Moved to costa rica spontaneously. Does marketing/sales remotely. Like literally sounds spontaneous and fun. And i thought there was a vibe. But i could be wrong. He couldve liked my sis, although he did come up to me and start talking to me but maybe that was a coincidence. Idk i like him tho. Like hes tall. Curly hair. Dark hair. A nice smile. And chill. Idk i cant describe it, he was just good vibes. I liked that. Even if its for one night, itd be nice to spend time with him. Like just ask him about his life, his travels, his passions. I want to get to know him. But he probably doesnt feel the same. And thats ok.

Idk why i do that btw. Like i can almost hear you yelling at me "NOOOOOO UR HOT UR BEAUTIFUL GO GIRL" but when im sitting next to alexia the super model i cant help but feel less than. Im fat. I have 2 chins. I have body hair. My hair is frizzy. Im not as just naturally pretty. Again i hear your protests. But i can't help it. I compare. I try to put it out of my head and just think everyone has different tastes. I also try to just distract myself and focus on just having fun. Who cares what any of these people think of me, ill probs never see them again. But i do hope i see him again.

Reflection of Scotland Move So Far (31st of May 25)

Full disclosure - this is a transcript of a voice note/voice diary entry in. I was sitting there all by myself on this amazing balcony, and was looking at the view feeling all reflective, so I started a voice note... which went to like an hour long haha. This is AI making it a transcript...

------------------------------------ So I'm currently sitting in a restaurant called The View in Oban, Scotland, and I just had a lovely dinner — well, it was actually pretty average, to be honest — but the view here is so beautiful. I'm literally staring out at an island, and it's so close you can literally see the details on the mountains.

But it's something that I wanted to obviously write about right now. Actually, I'm technically voicing this because I think I'm a little bit buzzed to write right now and I only have my phone... and yeah. Anyway, I just wanted to reflect on how far I've come here — on like, everything that I've done. And just... everything, really. And I'm here by myself anyway, so I actually thought, why not?

Starting off, I guess moving to Scotland — I wanna say, like... amazing, having done that.

Second of all, like, settling, you know? Hang on. Let's not overlook moving to Scotland — like, I finished my degree, I moved here, and I did it without knowing how Scotland really works in terms of, really, anything. I had no experience, no anything whatsoever. I hadn't moved out of my parents' place back in Australia and so... yeah, my moving out was done on steroids.

Really. I literally did the ultra-independent thing and left the country and moved halfway across the world with no evidence, nobody — I literally knew nobody coming to Scotland. So I feel like that is a feat in itself.

And then I got to Scotland. I made friends the first week I got here. Yeah, they've been great.

I probably should look at getting some new friends, which, you know — every time I try, it’s just like the other ones are wanting to catch up, and my social battery isn't enough for anything but one or two at a time. Numbers? Yeah, so that's what's happening, give and take.

Yeah, sorry — a staff member just came in, so I had to... yeah. I'm literally sitting on this balcony by myself right now. Anyway, yeah — so I moved to Scotland, made friends, and they’ve been great. I've done things I, you know...

I got a job. I work full-time, which, even though technically is not really that much of a job, I feel like it's actually made for me in the best way possible. I have 24/7... no — I have my YouTube channel, which I've built from the ground up. That's another thing that I just want to say: in the last 12 months, I’ve gone from 5,000 subscribers to 11,000. It took me 2.5 years to get to 5, and then in one year alone, I got another 5, which is insane. I don't even know where I'll be this time next year, which is crazy. And yeah, I just — that's a huge feat in itself. I think a lot of people want to be YouTubers, and they try and try and try.

I mean, that was me for many years and now I feel like I've got it. I've got the hang of things. Um, yeah, so that's something.

And then I also... yeah, my full-time job — I got the job, I work full-time, and do what I need to do. Am I going to grow in that job? No. I’ve pretty much made the decision that my YouTube is gonna be the be-all and end-all.

And that's where my next step is gonna be. Until I can make that work, I'm gonna be working the full-time job and doing YouTube at the same time. The good thing is my current full-time job — although it's been fantastic, like, I get to work with brands like Disney and National Geographic and FX and some billionaires — like, crazy things, like shows that I watch...

I'm like, literally performing audits for them. So that's been so fun. But it's also quite a chill job. Like, I'm a junior — there's not much work for my team, so literally the last six months has been, I think, one or two client projects.

And everything else has been like training. So that’s been great, but in those times, like, I get to work on my YouTube channel, which is fantastic. Like, who can say they're literally getting paid to do YouTube? Because I can. I don't know...

But yeah. Anyway, I just wanted to say that that's a feat in itself. I'm, you know, going to work every day — well, going to work... it's remote.

But literally this job is perfect for me, like, I couldn't have made things work better myself. It's literally amazing. So yeah — work from home, I get to work from bed, from the couch. No video on calls — which, again, like, who... what companies do that? Not many — at least not that I know of. And it's audio only, and yeah — I can just like chill out at home and not worry. So it’s like, I’ve got that, which is fantastic. And then I get to be...

Yeah, I guess the last year or so I — honestly, I didn’t really do much traveling. I did a few day trips and like road trips with friends, but the majority of it was just like chilling. Like, by the time I got a job, by the time — like, Mum had come...

We did some travelling together. By the time I got a job, it was just like chill out, do nothing.

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...Um, yeah. Like, it was winter — I literally hibernated in my apartment. Which — I love my apartment, by the way. That's like my safe space. I got a bit too comfortable. And yeah, I was missing my family a lot last year. I think it was just a bit of a... um... getting used to, I want to say. I think that's the thing that was crazy for me — it's just like going from five people in a house, you know, being with your mum all the time 24/7, to then being in a flat by yourself without anybody was, like, so intense. And I think that's where it, like, it took some getting used to.

And then when Mum came back to travel, it kind of set me back a bit, because I got used to travelling with her for a few weeks. And then... yeah. And then after that, it’s suddenly — she left. When she left, it was just me by myself. So again, like, I got... oh, I felt quite like... it was hard to readjust. So yeah, going back to confidence, just being by myself was hard.

But I did it, and it took me a bit. But then, before I knew it, I was back at the airport going to Australia. And I was back in my old habits again. So, you know, going back home — it was weird. I did not feel like it was my home. I felt like a guest in my own place. And then, like, it was just an odd feeling. Like, I actually felt weird to go up to the pantry to get something to eat.

But yeah, after like a couple weeks, settled back home, you know — sat on that couch that I'd been dreaming of with my car, and Mike was hugging Nala, and Mum was next to me. And you know, I was going for lunches and dinners with my sister and Mum, and it was really, really nice. And I did miss it.

But then, yeah — like, I got used to it and it felt like I had never left. It felt like no time had passed.

And then, like — back when I arrived, I got back... yeah. 'Cause then it was like — no, sorry, when I was still there, I just felt like I was never leaving. It was weird, and it wasn't like... yeah, it was strange.

It was a really weird feeling. But it did make me appreciate — like, I live in Europe now. How crazy is that to say? So yeah, the whole time I was there, I was planning trips because I was, like, looking in retrospect and going, wow — I've had all this time there. And like, yeah, it takes a lot to like set up a flat, and it takes a lot to like just get your act together.

You know. Like, get a job, make friends, do things — it does take a lot. But I had hibernated, and I'm guessing that's just a winter thing.

But yeah — got comfortable. And like, obviously I've got my YouTube as well, which takes a lot of my time. But you know what — my YouTube, and this is what I'm finding now, is a great excuse to go and like explore and do things and see things. And I feel like 90% of the time, I don't. Like, I just... yeah, I just don’t.

It’s weird. Like, I just get comfortable in my flat and then not see it. But no, I am — yeah. Anyway, I was back in Australia and I was literally saying to Mum, sitting there on that couch planning my trips, 'cause I knew I would come back here and get comfortable in my flat again and not want to leave. I literally said to important milestone, like I said, I literally started googling, booked a few trips.

The first one being to Stirling, second to Inverness. And then... just trying to think if I had anything else booked. I think that’s it. I had kind of googled-slash-planned really lightly, like trips to... like I was looking at Copenhagen at one point, and I was looking at Greece. I was looking at a whole bunch of different places — the Lake District. But I didn’t actually book them physically, just because they were quite expensive.

But yeah, I'm glad, because then I got back and I got in that feeling of like, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to do anything. And this year — can I just tell you — so I forced myself to go to Stirling.

I will now say, compared to the other trips I’ve taken, Stirling was terrible. I think it's just more the place that I was staying at, but yeah — it just didn’t feel very safe to me. And yeah, the castle is lovely and there’s some nice views and stuff like that, but I just — like, other than that, I wasn’t wowed, so I got out of there.

But then I went up to Inverness. And after my experience with Stirling, I didn’t want to go to Inverness. Again, I forced myself to go up there and — again — best time I’ve ever had.

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[Continued — spelling and grammar corrections only, part 3]

The place I stayed at was really nice — actually quite cheap too, for what it was. And then, like — not only that, but it was stunning. I can’t even describe to you how beautiful it was. Like, the town itself is lovely.

It’s what you expect of, like, a Scottish town. But there, you know — the things that I did. So I went to Culloden, which was like a thing on my bucket list for years. I tried to go there when I was travelling years ago and I did not make it. I ended up throwing up on the bus driver the day before because it was like a 2- or 3-day tour. I think it was a 2-day tour up to Culloden and... yeah, I threw up on the bus driver the day before. And then the second day, going towards Culloden, I panicked, and I pretty much said, “No, I’m staying in the hotel,” and I just took the train back.

So I never actually got to see more of the Highlands. I never went further north than Fort William. But then after that, it was just something on my mind — like, that was what I wanted to see for so many years and I just never went up. And yeah, I made it happen. I was determined. So I went, stayed in Inverness, and the first hour there I was actually meant to do a tour that took me to Culloden and Clava Cairns and... I don’t know, they were also doing some sort of hiking stuff. I don’t know — had no interest in that whatsoever.

But I wasn’t feeling well the morning of. I cancelled. And then I was so mad at myself for cancelling that I basically was like, “I’m gonna get to Culloden if it kills me.” You know — got on a bus ride. I got on a local bus and headed to Culloden, which was like a 20-minute drive from there.

And it was stunning. And I did the guided tour, so he walked through the important points — is what he kind of went through — and then I went into the museum myself, and then I walked through the entire battlefield myself, which I thought was, like — to me — I don’t walk. I don’t like walking long distances. I’m really unfit. And if I’m being completely honest, I’m always terrified of being out of breath.

And... yeah. I did it. I did it very slowly, but I did it.

So, that was an achievement in itself. And then afterwards, I went back to my hotel. I was exhausted. My feet were so sore, because that field is part of this — the conference is so huge, he said. It’s crazy how big it is. But yeah, I ended up going for a bit of shopping and had some food and I was fine. And then the next day, I was like, set on going to Loch Ness, because I was thinking, “Well, what do people do when they go to the Highlands?”

They go to Loch Ness. You know, you can’t come to Scotland — you can’t move to Scotland — and never have gone to Loch Ness. So that’s what I did. I did, actually — 'cause I was really worried about doing it — to Loch Ness. It’s quite hard to get to from Inverness.

But I ended up — basically, I booked like a 3-hour tour. So it was like a half-day tour. And I didn’t realise what I had really booked, to be honest. Like, I knew it said “cruise on Loch Ness.” I thought it was going to be like this tiny little boat that you get on and you kind of cruise around this small little area. But again, I had no idea what to expect. And it was actually really nice. You got on a huge coach, and they drove you to the ferry terminal — or boat terminal, I don’t know what you want to call it.

And then you got on this — like, it was two layers... what’s it called? Two decks. And I went on the top deck, the outside deck.

I was like front row and I filmed it all. It was stunning. The views were beautiful. It was just so huge. Like, we literally did a cruise all the way down Loch Ness, and it was insane how amazing it was. And so yeah — that was one of the moments where I’m like, this is going in the memory bank with Corfu.

And... oh my gosh, have I missed the other memory bank moment? That’s so bad. Corfu is definitely a memory bank moment — I don’t remember now what else was after that?

That’s so bad. Anyway — yeah, so that was going in the memory bank.

I was just honestly so lucky to do it. And I’m so glad I did it. And it was stunning and just breathtakingly beautiful. The castle itself was like meh — I didn’t care about the castle. And I walked up the hills to get back to the visitor centre, then again up a second hill to get back to the bus.

And then they drove us back to Inverness on the bus, which was like a 40-minute drive — which I was so terrified of being sick, but I didn’t get sick. And then... yeah, so that was that. But that was such a highlight for me.

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And I think it was just one of those moments where you’re like... what am I doing day to day? Working for this company, sitting in my flat... what am I, like...

You know, when you can be doing stuff like this?

But yeah — like, I was literally thinking that. Yeah. Anyway, I was like literally on the boat, and I’m like — it was stunning, so beautiful. And...

Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Sorry, someone came up and I just didn’t want them to hear what I was talking about. So yeah — they're just one of those moments that was really iconic for me.

And I just felt like I was just so lucky to be doing what I’m doing. So that was iconic. But then I went back home — like, back to my flat. And like, that was my last trip before the one I’m currently on. It was just a bit weird — like, I felt really strange. And like, I got back and I’m like — I felt like I was wasting time sitting in my flat, because Inverness was such a nice place, Loch Ness was so amazing. And I just felt like — why am I sitting in my flat?

I should be out exploring. So it was like me trying to now book more holidays and stuff, because I knew that if I don’t book, I just — time goes away. And you just, like, weekends pass and you don’t make things happen. Whereas if I book, I’m like — I’ve paid for it, I’m forced to do it. So I go. And then I have the time of my life. And then I go back, and it’s like, “Okay, now we need a new one.” But at least if they’re planned, they’re booked — like, you have to go. There’s no doubt about it.

The problem is — well, this time it was money. I was looking at how much money I had. Yeah, definitely, I have spent quite a bit on these weekend getaways. But I’m also thinking — like, you know what? I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to live in Scotland. I don’t think I am. I’m operating with the assumption that after two years I’m going home, which is so hard for me to say — like, I’m actually getting tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I don’t want to go home.

I want to stay here for as long as possible. Like, I love it here. And I think this year has made me feel it more than anything else. Like, last year was a little bit rocky and I wasn’t sure, and I was missing my family. But after being home and coming back here — can I just say, it feels so nice to be by myself?

I like my morning phone calls with my mum. Don’t mind being by myself. I’ve gotten into cooking now — that’s the other thing. This year, I’ve really gotten into cooking. You know, I’m making all different sorts of things, and I just feel good.

I feel better than ever. I feel happy. Like, I’ve been in one of those moments where it’s like — I’m just so grateful to be doing what I’m doing.

Not many people get to experience what I’ve gotten to experience in the last two years. And I think it’s just something that I’m really, really — like, I’m proud of myself for forcing myself out of the comfort zone. I’m proud of myself for doing each of these things. I’m proud of myself for, like... just... I’m just proud of myself. I think that’s what I want to say.

I don’t think many people’s positive gurus tell us that. Yeah, I think before this, I probably never really said that. But I’ve done so much, I’ve experienced so much, and I will do so much. So yeah. Anyway, I need to go back home, and I need to schedule another holiday because this has been amazing. And can I just say — this weekend?

I haven’t done much. Like, I was meant to do a tour today — they cancelled it. And then instead of doing the tour, I went to a chocolate shop, which was like a 10-minute walk from the hotel. And then I went into a museum on the way back, which was like two rooms, but it was nice. It was cool. I spent like 20 minutes in there. And then after that, you know — did some shopping.

I actually bought some things. I bought this really nice canvas that was like the moon and the sea. It was just so stunning.

Which maybe might get me in the moon mood. Like, I have this really weird obsession with the moon at the moment. I’m, like, thinking of getting it tattooed big. Yeah. And then, like, I bought a candle and like a little mermaid coaster in a store — it was just nice. I went for a walk around the back of the town, went back to the hotel for a bit. Then I came back out, went for another walk, sat and watched the water — which is honestly what I’m doing now as well. But this time...

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I came back in for dinner, and then — now I’ve finished my dinner, I’m literally sitting on this balcony and have been sitting on the balcony for about an hour, half of which I’ve spent talking to you. But yeah, it’s just so peaceful. It’s so nice. I don’t want to leave. Like, all I’m thinking is — tomorrow, we rescheduled the tour, so I’ll be doing the tour tomorrow instead.

Erm, I have to check out of my room at 11, so that’s in my brain. But yeah. I think the thing is, it’s like — this is so nice. I mean, I’ve taken a million photos and videos of this view.

It’s stunning. Scotland is so beautiful, and it’s going to be so sad to leave. I don’t want to leave. I do need to check out Ireland. Stephen told me that with Greek citizenship I can live in Ireland. But the thing is, when I think about my life, I look at how much I’ve built it — and like, I built it in Scotland, you know? Not in Ireland. And I would have to start again if I wanted to live in Ireland. And yes, it would be close to Scotland, so I would probably end up spending every second weekend in Scotland — but as a thought, it’s not...

Like, I haven’t been there. And I have no real reason to go there. Do you know what I mean? I have no motivation at all. Whereas Scotland’s my life. My life is here. And I’m just happier.

Here I feel more at peace. Yeah, I feel like I can be myself. I don’t feel scrutinised. I don’t feel judged. I don’t walk out of the room and think, “I’m so fat.” And you know why? Because the people I associate with — yeah, I don’t really think about weight with them. Whereas at home, can I just say, that’s all I ever think about every time I speak...

To my mum, every time I speak to my grandma — it makes me think of it. And I’m just over it. And the other thing is, it’s so nice to be able to...

Do whatever you want, whenever you want. You know that no matter where you go, nobody’s going to really know you. It’s fantastic.

You know, before I was like, propping up my phone to take videos of this beautiful view. Do you think, like, in Melbourne there’s anywhere you could be caught dead doing that? The way I was like, putting it up on the post and just like standing in an awkward position to keep the phone steady — like, let me just say no. I just feel like there are so many more judgments and I just don’t... I don’t want it. And I’m just happier. Yeah, I am, Mum.

Yeah, and the other thing — like, I have done this. I’ve done all three of the trips so far solo. I have spent so much time with myself, by myself, for so long. I don’t know the best...

I don’t know if I can go back to being with people. Like, I just want to say — like, I’m so proud of myself. I’m not like...

There are moments where I get lonely, sure. But I will say, 90% of the time, I love being on my own. I love deciding what I’m going to do, when I’m going to do it, and how I’m going to do it.

Like, it’s fantastic knowing that — like, I will not have... you know? Maybe, like, walking-wise, if someone was with me and they said, “I want to walk to this thing and it’s a half-hour walk,” in my head, I’d be dreading it. I’d be so anxious about it in my head. And then I’d feel like I have to keep up with them in terms of walking. Whereas, say for me, I’ll be like, “Okay, I’m not going to do a half-hour walk, but I’ll do a 10-minute walk. And I’ll go slow. And I’ll do it however I want.” And I might take triple the time that I would’ve taken with somebody else, but guess what?

I get there. And then I’ll get to the 10-minute mark and I’m like, “Oh, you know what? I can do another 10 minutes. I can do another 10 minutes after. And another 10 minutes after that.” And it can keep going. Because I’m not in my head about it. And I just think — I know it’s a me problem. That’s what it is. A me problem.

But it’s fine. Yeah. Anyway — hi. I just think, like, at the end of the day... oh, can you hear me? Hello? Did I lose you, Katisa?

Sorry, someone else came in. So I just wanted to run — stop there and start again. But yeah. Um, I don’t even know what I was saying yet.

90% of the time, I’m so happy. I’m so... it’s just so nice to do things whenever I want, however I want, and not worry about what somebody else is thinking about me.

It’s just a nice life. And also, I get to do all these things — like, if I had to wait for somebody to do this with me, I would probably be 80 years old. Also, these things are expensive. I justify it because I love doing these things. Like yeah, I spent 8 grand on business class return flights — but guess what? I was comfortable. And I’m pretty sure that would’ve been the worst flight of my life had I not.

Right? I’m sitting here in Oban, and like, I picked a really nice hotel. I think it’s the nicest hotel here to stay in.

It wasn’t cheap. I want to say it was like... a grand for two nights? Maybe less — actually no, I think it was about $600 for two nights. But guess what — the hotel is fantastic.

It’s amazing. It’s so nice. I had the best view ever. And just sitting in my room like doing YouTube work while I was looking out the window today...

I was like, “You know what? I feel like I got my money’s worth.” I’m happy. And like now I’m sitting here at a restaurant, which I’d say is pretty average — but the view is stunning, and I’m just so happy to be here. Would someone else pay for any of this? I don’t think so. I’m going to enjoy my experiences. And that’s the thing — I’m spending my money on experiences. Normal people my age are saving up for houses. And honestly, I should be saving up too, but I don’t know — I’d rather spend my money and do stuff like this. Go to nice hotels, then do anything else. Buy?

Save your money to stick it in a house that you’re going to be stuck in? That’s my thing. I really don’t want to be stuck anywhere.

I love it here. So... I don’t know. I think at the end of the day...

I want to spend my money on experiences and things that I’ll remember — not a house that will need fixing and updating. Probably be a burden.

And you know what? If I just happen to save money, and I get extra money, and, you know, I’ve got enough for a house — then fine. But right now, I think the next two and a half years — two years or so — it’s going to be about the experiences. It’s going to be about going away every weekend if I need. I’ve got money saved now. And I’m going to have to use it. The thing is, my brain always goes, “Don’t use the money you saved,” which I don’t have to — I’ve got my YouTube money too — but I just... I’m really, like, you know, thinking about it. But yeah, anyway, I’m gonna go.

Culloden & Loch Ness (12th of May 25)

I'm not really sure how to start this post. There's literally going to be no structure, just word vomit.

I just got back from spending a weekend in inverness where I went to Culloden battlefield, and loch ness. It was one for the memories, for the historic moments to look back on. If this weekend had a soundtrack it would be Outro by m83 on repeat. In fact that was largely what I was listening to throughout the entire trip.

What made this trip unforgettable was so many things.

Firstly, I should tell you I didn't want to go. In fact I was thinking of cancelling multiple times, like I had even asked my hotel to cancel but it was non refundable and they rejected the request (thank god). I knew I booked in advance for a reason. Sometimes I just get too comfortable in my little 1 bedroom apartment here in Edinburgh. I feel safe and I don't really want to get out. At the start of the year I went back to Australia for a visit, and after a few months it became really clear to me that I had gotten comfortable after mum left, and I hadn't done much. I mean granted I moved to Edinburgh and had to find a place to live, find friends (and a support network), and a job, and also still work on my youtube stuff. So there was a lot going on, and it really wasnt until mum left and I started working that I had finally settled down and done all the boring and important things. I still did stuff, like I more transitioned to hanging out with a specific friend of mine, who I probably shouldn't have spent so much time with, looking back it was a red flag. But yeah anyways I'm still friends with her, but trying to spend a bit less time with her.

Anyway yeah in Australia I felt like I wanted to explore, and travel again and honestly I knew that feeling would subside when I got back and I got comfortable in this little apartment again. So I went ahead and started planning and booking weekend trips. Every second weekend I had plans for. Sadly I got covid when I got back so I had rightly planned for a few weeks of nothing, cause after over 30 hours travelling the last thing you want to do is jump on another plane or train. But then I had booked Stirling, and I had gone, that was 2 weekends ago, and it was okay. Stirling Castle was nice, and even some of the sights on the way up to the castle was nice. But the hotel really wasn't great and put a damper on the whole thing, I also just didn't exactly feel safe in Stirling, it wasn't too dodgy but it wasn't like Edinburgh (or Inverness), I cant explain it. Honestly it was mehh. And I think I got back feeling like, do I really want to go to the highlands, so I tried to cancel it, but after the hotel rejected the cancellation, I had 2 options: 1 - dont go, and lose the money and just sit in the apartment, or 2 - just go. Up until the day I was leaving I kept putting off packing, and I just was not in a mood. I was meant to leave on the afternoon train, but I ended up going at 6:00pm, so yeah I was really dragging my feet. I was so close to not going.

But I'm so happy I did. I got on the train, it was pretty empty, and I put on my music. Now the first of my anxieties, were... are you going to get sick on this 3.5hr train ride. And rightly so, considering I had vomited on the bus driver on the way up to the highlands last time I had attempted to do this. But I thought train should be safer. But you don't really know until you do it. Luckily, I was okay. And honestly I feel quite confident of training it anywhere I need to. Just wouldn't do a LNER train as the seats are too squashed, and visually I cant (thats the one I did to stirling - and thank god I did that cause it blocked my view, and made me a bit sick), but the ScotRail trains had tables and they had big windows and lots of space. So yeah I was okay. The train ride up started off boring, until we got to Pitlochry, as soon as we were in the highlands, the views changed, and I just felt something. I dont know if it was a sense of accomplishment or if it was the beauty of the landscapes around me, maybe a combination of both, but I was so happy, and so in awe.

The mountains, the greenery, the lochs, the rivers, the ponds, the trees, everything, it was nature doing its absolute best. I've been to the highlands twice now, but this time was different. I don't know if it was the train going through areas that cars cant, or if it was just me having a new found appreciation for what I was about to do, or just the fact that I got out of my apartment. Or the fact that I could've missed this. And in fact, this is what I have been missing. I could've done this last year, but I was scared. I'll be honest. I was scared of getting sick. I was scared of being in a town I wasn't familiar with. I was scared of the distance and the time it took to get to and from. And thats such a shame. I could've missed this. I'm so glad I didn't.

Anyway so I got up there friday night, I watched the sunset on the train amongst the beautiful highland mountains/extinct volcanoes. It was beautiful. And then I ordered some maccas, and went to bed. At this point I still was low key anxious and not looking forward to doing stuff the next day. I had a day tour booked to culloden, and then it was going to take me to some woods for a hiking thing but obviously all I wanted to do was go to culloden. I was worried still about getting sick. And I think I stressed myself out so much I ended up waking up at 4am with chronic IBD, if you know... you know. I immediately messaged the tour company asking to reschedule to the sunday but it was booked out. I look back now and think, that was probably the universe telling me to do it on my own. So I started looking at bus schedules, and how to get to culloden on my own and alas thats what I did. The bus left 3 minutes away from my hotel, so I walked over and waited for the bus. I should mention I ended up falling back asleep after I cancelled, and woke up every hour until I saw their message that they cancelled it, and will reschedule me on a different tour. Then they gave me options, but until now I haven't replied, and I'm not sure if I want to reply. A part of me just thinks... lose it. Any way not the point.

So I got up slowly, I ended up leaving at like 11:30am and then I got the bus, and headed to culloden myself. It was pretty easy. And no i did not get sick. As soon as I got there I saw they offered guided tours so I jumped on the next one, and the tour basically did a walk through a quarter of the battlefield, with the guide telling us a bit of backstory, what happened, who was where, and the aftermath. It was a really good way to get a clear intro to it. I then went back in the visitor centre, and went through the museum in detail. On one side they had the english's version of events/what was actually going on for them, and then the otherside the Jacobite version. Now I like to think I'm pretty familiar with the Jacobite side but I went through both sides, and read through everything in detail. This was a place I've been wanting to come to since I originally watched Outlander. It was a place I had put on my bucketlist for years, and somewhere I had tried to come and see, but it didnt work. It was a build up of excitement, anticipation, and just expectation as well. Its weird to say. But I think although I knew logically that Outlander is a fictional story, like claire and jamie dont actually exist, nor have they existed, the places I've visited it are tied to Outlander so much that its hard not to almost fantasize about them. But this time was different. Culloden was strange. Like people say that its heavy, its sad, and its eery to walk around there. I didn't quite get that. Granted the weather was amazing, sun was shining, blue sky, and everything was bright colours and nice and summery almost. The complete opposite of what it probably is 90% of the time. It should be grey, and misty, and foggy, and just miserable. I'm sure if I had seen it like that maybe then I'd feel it. But to be honest, it was a pretty significant moment for me.

During the museum I walked into this short I think 3 minute film, with videos of the battle taking place, different views for each wall around me. And that shook me a bit, I got teary in there. So many people killed. So many young people killed. So many lives ended. To watch the english just fire their muscats and see the jacobites falling, one after another, after another. Then the way it ended with just a pile of bodies on the floor. It definitely made you realise. I mean I had seen it in outlander, but weirdly I didnt connect outlander to this site. In the tour, in the museum, even later when I walked around the site myself, I was looking at it as strangers, not famous people, no celebrities of history, just men dying. lots of men dying. for what? for scottish parliament (which apparently wasnt on Charlies' radar), for a scottish king?, because they were forced to fight, because they had no choice. It was tragic. The whole thing was tragic. And when I finished from the museum and walked around the battlefield solo, I made a point to walk from the english side to the Jacobite side and back around. I wanted to do most of it, if not all of it. I'm only there once I kept telling myself. Plus this was a huge bucket list thing for me. So I did, it took a while, and I'm not the fittest but I did it. And as I was walking a million thoughts went through my head... these men were just killed. here. theres bodies under me. fathers were ripped away from children and wives. sons were ripped away from mothers. the whole highland culture was ended here in a single battle.

But then there's also the other thoughts. If I was walking through this group as they were marching or if I walked through their camp I would've likely been raped, or god knows what else. Men now times are fucked, could you imagine back then. So yeah there were some conflicting thoughts going on.

But anyways, I did feel sorry for them. I think about the men a lot, especially cause some of them were so young, even some of the generals were like mid twenties. Like bonnie prince charlie and the duke of cumberland were 24 and 25. How crazy is that. To be that age and leading a bloody army. Literally. Its insane. 1500 people killed in 40 minutes. Its crazy.

Walking through the battlefield I couldnt imagine it. Such a beautiful place, with beautiful views surrounding it. How could 1500 people have died here in 40 minutes. It still is crazy to me.

Anyway so yeah that happened. Then I got the bus back, the views were beautiful. Ended up going to Tesco for a meal deal, and also checking out the Primark there. Then I pretty much spent the rest of the night in bed.

The next day I didn't know what to do. It was weird because after doing that I had felt like I had accomplished something major in my bucketlist, and did I really need to do anything else. I would be content just leaving it there. But then I thought about it, and I was like people come to scotland for many things, but one of those things is loch ness. So why not try and go, there was a half day tour that takes you, lets do it. So I did. I booked the 2:30pm one, spent pretty much the morning doing nothing and getting ready, and then I went to the bus station and jumped on that bus. It was a 10 minute bus ride to where we were going to get the loch ness cruise. and then we got straight onto the cruise. I went upstairs to get good views. And right up front, again for the views. And then we were off, within 10 minutes, we were in lochs and amazing views, and mountains in the distance. It's hard to describe how beautiful and peaceful it was. It was stunning. I was in awe every second. I couldnt believe that this existed. I dont know what I was expecting (probably more of a big lake), but this was a 50 minute boat ride through an expansive large body of water, with amazing views. Thats it. I cant comment on anything else. It was stunning. Did I see nessie? No. As expected. But I didnt go for that, I went for the views. And omg was it amazing. It blew me away I was not expecting any of it. I felt so lucky to be there. It made me realise not everyone gets to do these things. I'm so lucky to be here. Scotland is more than just edinburgh. And I'm here. I'm doing this. I couldve stayed home. But I wouldve missed this. And this is what life should be. Life is beautiful. The world is beautiful. I know I'm gonna sound like Angelica, but omg the planet is beautiful. Our earth is just breathtaking. You see it like that, and you're left speechless. I love life. I don't want to be living to work, and I feel like a lot of the time I do get sucked into that whether that be my youtube or just being too scared to ask for time off with my 9-5. I dont want that anymore. A part of me is like, if they dont like it, they can go fuck themselves.

I honestly wanted to come back and just quit. I still do, but then I wouldnt be able to afford this apartment or the nice hotels. So I stay. But I am going to take more days off, and I'm going to schedule and book and pay in advance for some more weekend getaways. I deserve it!

Anyways, krissie is coming now, so I got to go.

Speak to you later byeeeee x

2025 so far. (22nd April 2025)

2025 has been a big year so far. Nothing exactly terrible has happened (thank god - and touch wood), but nothing truly amazing has happened either. I'm finally in a place where 'mehh' exists.

To summarise what's happened so far...

I went back to Australia for 3 months, pretty much skipped the winter here in Edinburgh, and I swam in my parents pool daily, spent as much time with family as I could, went to some shitty warehouse sales, and worked remotely while I was there. Overall it was a great time, I made the most of being around Nala, and my mum and my youngest sister. It was nice. I missed them a lot!

Then I got back and I got COVID straight away, so I was sick for about 2-3 weeks, I still am sick, throwing up phlegm, its been a great run (sarcasm that is).

While I was in Australia, I was missing europe though, and I made a vow to really go and explore. I was looking at the last 12 months here in edinburgh and realising I had gotten comfortable, and I needed to get out there and explore more, and see more, and do more. You know... be a tourist. But I got back and I've gotten quite comfy in my little apartment again... but luckily I knew this was going to happen so I had booked the first 3 weekend trips (and they're non refundable) so I'm forcing myself to go. The first is to stirling, thats this weekend, and I'm half excited about it, but I'm sure I'll love it once I get there.

On another note, I may or may not have found something. I'm too scared to even mention it on here as usually when I mention a guy on here, it's like I jinx myself, and it all falls apart. But basically I matched with him on hinge while i was in Australia and we got talking and then I got back and we kept talking... and well thats all its been. Lots and lots of talking. Weve had plans to meet up but unfortunately with my covid, it was a no-go, and then he's now gotten covid, so he had to cancel. And he's off to denmark this weekend to hang out with friends, hes not coming back for 2 weeks after that, so we probs wont be able to hang out until then. But I will say this he seems really nice, no red flags so far. there's some minor things I'm like 'ehh' with, but they're more... hes so nice, and the niceness annoys me sometimes. But its honestly a breath of fresh air compared to the dickheads I've dated/spoken to. Also he just is quite mature, great with communication, and frankly, hes tall. I'm waiting to see him in person to see if im like properly attracted to him (and I feel safe with him). Feeling safe around men never comes easy for me. But its looking promising. I keep getting ahead of myself and doing all the what ifs, but I will say it's been nice not overly stressing about him. oh and he works, which is great hahaha.

So yeah thats been my life lately.

But right now I'm feeling a bit down and mehh. So I thought I'd jump in here and talk about whats going on, and see if I can talk through my emotions and feelings.

So why am I feeling mehh? Well it could be due to multiple things...

I've not had an inperson social interaction with friends for over a week.

I'm feeling a bit lonely.

The guy I've been speaking to has been a little distant the last 2 days.

I'm missing my family. We just had easter and I've missed them a lot.

I need to get out again.

It's honestly probably a combination of all those things, but it is what it is. How can I address these...

I asked some friends to hang out this week after work but they're busy, and when they're free I'm heading to Stirling, so I'm just gonna say Stirling will be nice.

I've reached out to a friend at home to schedule a catch up call - hoping this will lower it a bit, and plus I'll have my daily call with mum.

He sent me a message an hour ago, but it hasn't been the same as pre-when I sent him my insta, and I'm worried he didnt find me attractive on insta - I probably should just address this. He is mature enough.

Not much I can do for this - I have my daily call with mum, but I just gotta suffer.

I'm gonna wait until fri night when I'm heading to stirling - actually maybe tomorrow I might go and sit on the royal mile and people watch for a bit, that always cheers me up.

Anyways, time to sign off. I'm hungry. Byeeeee

2025 Here We Come - 1/1/25

Okay so it's officially the new year and I just had a great experience, one that I need to share with you! But before I do I wanted to update you about my first solo christmas... no I did not do drugs. I did get into a bit of a weird situation, where my friends boyfriend (who I've met twice) walked around in his underwear in front of me on christmas eve which was meant to be super wholesome, doing some christmas cooking and watching a movie. But he came home from work and just stripped, and I could see everything. Also with my background with SA I was instantly triggered, felt unsafe, and also felt weird. I know that they both have 3somes, and go to 'you know what' parties, so when he did that and then went ahead to get quite touchy feely with my friend literally about 50cm away from me - I got super uncomfortable. Oh and of course it doesnt help that I absolutely hate his guts and have since I met him, and that he emotionally abuses my friend. So yeah you could say I was so grossed out and felt so awkward, and honestly unsafe. As soon as the movie ended I got up from this tiny love seat we were all sitting on and I left. They're the ones that had also invited me for christmas day as well and wanted to do drugs. I just had this gut feeling that if I went that they would end up trying something with me and I was panicking all night. I ended up saying to my friend that I had to work after 2pm (as I knew he was finishing work at 2pm) so I went over for a quick visit - which I had to as I had accidently mistaken his laptop charger for mine in the rush to get out the night before, so I had to drop it off. So I went, we had spaghetti and meatballs, and then she drove me home. She has since told me they both got high together when they got back home, and yeah I could read in between the lines. But yeah so that was that. I ended up coming back home and watching some christmas movies, lit a candle, ordered some greek food (which wasn't great), and that was it. But I honestly wish I had done that from the beginning.

Now fast forward to tonight. It's new years eve and I didn't have any plans. A friend had invited me to her nye party, but after her halloween party, it was a no go for me, a bit too boring, and the people are too nerdy for me. But yeah so I didn't do that. I was NOT going to spend NYE with the friend who I spent xmas with - but also she and her bf are off to a sex party so yeah. See I don't want to be judgemental - but spending NYE at a sex party with randoms? And spending Christmas getting high having sex? My conservative greek side is really coming out here. Idk I just think it's lame. And also super uncomfy for me, I think they had it planned that we'd all just 'have fun' and ummm no thank you. When she talks about it - i try to come from a non judgemental and curious perspective, i have never once said - i'd love to do that, but maybe they spoke about it and they thought theyd try it with me - idk. I don't see me really being able to be around her too much more. We went to a whisky tasting last week and I just felt awkward about it and around her.

Anyways, enough about them, it's my turn. So I had no plans and I finished work at 6:30, and then went to buy some supermarket stuff down the road to cook dinner. I then put on Virgin River and finished that. And while I was sitting in bed watching it, I could here some fireworks, and I just felt like - just get out there. So after my show finished I put on the warmest of clothes - I'm talking 2 layers of pants, a tshirt, thick woolen jumper, and thick winter coat, and got my beanie and thought let me just go for a walk no matter how short or how long. I had no idea where I was gonna go. I had thought about going to the royal mile, or to grassmarket, or just near the canal near me, but ultimately I thought let me go to grassmarket and see if I can see any fireworks near the castle. The thing is Hogmanay was cancelled this year - the street parties, the fireworks, the gigs, all of it, due to strong winds. But I was hoping to see some of these rogue illegal fireworks. Which (spoiler alert) I did. I walked to grassmarket first, sat and people watched for a bit. I just wanted to sit there, take in my surroundings, be thankful for the moment, and appreciate that I'm here in edinburgh at new years. But that got ruined when it became apparent that people felt bad for me - with a dude trying to make me smile and talk to me (and not in a flirty way). So I walked up victoria street and then went to st giles area, sat there and people watched and building watched and got to take it in a bit more. I usually find people are so taken aback by the royal mile - they dont bother looking at you - you can be invisible there. I like going there and sitting outside the front/back of the church. But then after a bit, I heard fireworks. And so did everyone else on the mile. So picture this... close to 1000+ people walking up to the castle hoping to see fireworks. This was about 20 mins to 12. Police in front of me were telling people that there's no fireworks and not to go up there. I walked up with the intention of walking back home. I thought I'd take the route near the castle and walk back. But as I turned left at the church, I could see thousands of people in a huge crowd trying to get up to the castle for views. It was MADNESS. I turned left, to go towards the side of the castle and walk home. There I passed a few bars and a hostel FULL of people standing outside. And suddenly fireworks were going off in front of me, like literally about 5 meters from me across the road. I took a step back and just watched as these people were illegally setting off fireworks. I've never been so close to fireworks like that before, and I've never been around illegal fireworks either. It was nice to see. And then the cops rocked up and the guys ran for it. It was a nice few minutes.

In those few minutes I felt thankful. So thankful to myself, to god, to everything, to fate, for making this happen. I'm getting emotional even thinking about it now. Not many people can say they've had this opportunity. And I'm so aware of the fact that I may not live here forever, in fact I may go home after the 2 or 3 years, and these moments will be just memories. I'll be in my bed at home, thinking about these moments, wanting to relive them more than anything in the world. So yeah tonight was all about making the most of being here in edinburgh.

As I kept walking down castle hill I could see grassmarket and the MASSIVE crowd that were down there. They started counting down for NY and I stood there taking it in. As soon as it hit 12, I video called my mum, and spoke to her. They're planning a huge NYD party for my dads 60th as well. And 50 ppl are gonna be there. It was hard knowing I wont be there too but it is what it is. I needed to see christmas and new years here, and I needed to experience those holidays solo for once. No family pressure, no big events, just me. And I think ultimately I enjoyed both more. It's also made me appreciate family events more I think - it's put it in perspective - like its a few hours surrounded by these people who we share a culture with. Some are terrible, others are great, but ultimately its really not that bad.

Even the shop - like I was looking at the time while I was here converting it - imagining what the fam were doing at the shop during the week of xmas, thinking 'ok they'd be serving', 'they're probs having lunch' and weirdly I was missing it? It's the first year I had no anxiety about christmas cause I wasn't going there, but while I was here, I was thinking about them, and also a few of the good bits. My dad has been ok the last few years, and sure its tiring, but honestly after seeing the hours from here, it really wasnt that bad. Its a few days. I think sometimes anxiety can really make it seem worse than it is. Like last year I felt like it was a cliff that I was getting pushed towards. Reality is it's not that bad, and I need to get over it. Anyways, that was that.

The point is me being here during the holidays has really put things into perspective. I've found enjoyment and appreciation in being alone and independent, but I've also realised some things aren't as bad as what they feel like in the moment. Idk I don't think I'll ever be a big fam event person - but I can definitely go back with more appreciation for them.

On that note it's time for me to sign off. Actually let's do one more thing. I want to 'manifest' what my 2025 is going to look like...

I'd like to not be so afraid of exercising/walking - I think thats something my anxiety makes me feel I cannot do. But I keep proving myself wrong - I did just walk into town and back home in one go. Yes my feet are done, but I can and have done it.

I'd like to cook more - I've already started doing this, but I'd like to improve the variety of dishes I can make.

I'd like to travel a bit more - go to a new place once every month whilst in Edinburgh.

I need to go to inverness and checkout culloden (thats a must)

I need to go to loch ness haha

I also want to rely less on other peoples opinions on me - no more external validation - which I've come to realise I rely on a lot. So no more dating apps for validation, no more sugar coating what I'm thinking to friends

I need to make some new friends here. Sarah and Sam are great but I also only get small doses of them, K - is too much and with her bf, I just need to start distancing - but I've gotten so comfy with her, and its just easy with the 2 of us. I really need to go to some new meetups - maybe do one every 3 months.

Also speaking of dating apps - I've currently been 2 weeks without a dating app (or talking to a guy), which I think is a record since I was like 15. I've been on dating apps that long. And I've noticed how badly I use them here, it had become a reliance - when I got lonely, jump on the apps, swipe, talk to randoms, sometimes even calls, and they lasted soooo long, like 9 hours one lasted. So yeah I don't want to give them up, because I do want to meet new people, but I want to change the way I use them. I think in a couple of days I'll redownload it but I can only use it during 9am - 8pm and I have to use them for at least 1 hour a day, and reply to the messages I receive, and reply well (not anything half assed). I want to put in some serious effort to meet someone.

Which leads me to my next point - I'd like to meet someone BUT he needs to bring value to my life, not make me feel shit, be supportive. I wont be too sad if it doesn't happen, but I want to be more purposeful with online dating for this to happen.

I feel like thats it but I could be missing stuff - who knows. Its 2am here now so it's time for me to sign off and go and mindlessly watch some tv.

Byeeeee

Shop = bad & drugs r bad - 21st Dec 2024

So its my first christmas away from the family, the shop, the stress, the anxiety, the everything. My body (and mind) has no idea what to do with itself. I feel like I should be stressing, but in reality I'm not.

I wanted to jump on here cause I feel odd. I feel a bit anxious. I also feel like I should be feeling a type of way. Idk... let me explain.

So you know how stressful christmas is for me every year, with the pressure to work at the shop, and then the trauma of the shop and working with my dad. That always ruins pretty much the month of December, and it's the one thing all year, that I absolutely dread. It's the one time I can't say no and it's the one time we're expected to go and help (and guilt tripped). And you just know that if we don't go (for a reason that dad finds acceptable), then you're left with angry dad, who is traumatic to face alone, and it's scary. Also you're shamed in front of the family. So what are these acceptable excuses... well my back is one (but even that - he asks me to work around now), and well moving across the world (but even then - he asked me twice to come home early so I could work xmas). So yeah not many good enough reasons to skip basically. And he sees it as a betrayal if you don't go - you don't support him, it's the least you can do since the shop pays for the house and our upkeep and living all these years. It's the one thing he asks for... blah blah blah. Until recently I fell for these - and honestly, I still do. But what I've come to realise is... he does this to himself. He loves going into that shop (as much as he says he does it cause he has to - thats bullshit). He goes cause thats what gives him self worth, and that is what makes him happy. Yes, it's super physical, and yes tiring, but he gets enjoyment out of it. And thats fine. What's not fine is dragging us into it.

You can't expect us to come in year after year. I know it may only seem like a few days in the year to you - but the reality is - you traumatised us. You use to yell at me terribly. I was 12 years old not knowing anything about jobs/working and you had me in there scrubbing windows, serving customers (who at times made me cry - they were that rude), and then you also yelled at me for doing things wrong, you would also get angry when I was in the back to long, or i checked my phone, or just didnt clean to your standards. And then we'd get the other extreme, of customers asking if we're your daughter, and you suddenly 'so proud' that we're here helping you, and you love us and blah blah blah. The thing is those times at the shop when I was younger - it wasn't bad because it was boring (which sure at times it was), but it was bad because it left a huge scar, each time you screamed was a scar, each time you passively aggressively snatched a broom of us for not cleaning right, and then went ahead and angrily cleaned, because no one could do it like you, it was another scar. Each time you pushed us out of the way when we weren't doing something you told us to do right, and took over, it made us doubt our skills. Each time you complained about the workers in the shop to us - about their skills, or their behaviours, also left us with scars, with insecurity, if he spoke about these people like this, did he also speak about us like this, did he also think about us in this way. Was our value and his love based on what we could do at this shop.

And as an adult now I can see the flaws, I can see that HE puts his value in HIS work. And he judges everyone elses value on their work ethic and their work abilities. Thats a HIM problem.

I also see that he doesn't understand this, nor would he see this as a problem. This is just purely how the world works for him.

But now it's caused my issue of feeling like an imposter in the workplace, feeling like I'm never enough no matter what I do, and its fucked with my own self esteem.

And whats even worse is the build up of those scars has turned into a ball of trauma. I cant step foot into that shop without anxiety filling in me, I can't even think about it, when I know he's about to ask me to work - I just want to run. I want to run for my life. I feel like my life is in jeopardy (which is so stupid) because its a shop.

And whats worse is that in recent years, we have all stood up to him, and we have all put him in his place, and he has made a better effort to be better when we're in there. But that sadly doesn't erase the years and years of yelling, misogynist comments, emotional abuse (cause lets just admit - thats what it is), and the expectations, and complaints. Idk all of it really.

I talk about this all the time - and I want to move past this, but the reality is I dont think I ever will - at least not as long as that shop is running - and as long as he is asking/expecting us to help him.

There were so many reasons I moved overseas, but one of them was definitely to get away from the shop. And what annoys me the most is that my sister told me yesterday that he came home complaining about our other sister's work ethic and that she clearly doesn't want to be there. He was complaining that she's always on her phone, that she just stands there and blah blah blah. Apparently he even said... if she doesn't want to be there, then dont come. But then you have the opposite side of that argument. Firstly, he would NOT be ok with her not going. In fact, he would be salty, and passive aggressive to her all christmas. Believe me, I copped it one year - when I was 14 I think - cause I wanted to avoid going to the shop - and I went to stay at my aunties with my sister instead cause I was scared of the shop. He didn't talk to me all christmas, avoided eye contact - or gave me greasy looks all christmas to make me feel bad. As an adult now I can say - what a child. But I also know that he is a child. He has chucked tantrums at his daughters 16th bday, and at his daughters grad. He has made situations all about him - when HE's the one at fault. So although its completely unreasonable to expect him to be anything other than a child, we always hope.

But anyway back to it, so yes she is basically forced to go whether she wants to or not. And of course someone forced to be somewhere they don't want to be - they're gonna be slack, they're not gonna put effort in, and they're not gonna care. She has shown up because she knows you'll get angry, and that she has to go. You would also get cut, as you see her showing up as her showing her love for you. So if she didn't show up - in your eyes she would not love you or care about you. Which is so ironic, since you were never around for us as kids. Nor are you now. If I had a work thing, and I needed him, he is the last person I would ask in the world. If I had an 'anything thing' he's the last person I'd ask. Why - because he has no empathy, he has no ability to see past himself. He is selfish. And his ADHD and narcissism make it impossible to get him to pay attention. The only thing he can do is throw money at problems or people. The only problems he likes to solve is money problems. Thats it. You need more money for a trip. Here's $5k, but I'll make sure you never forget it. You need a car? Here, ill buy one for you, but I'll make sure you remember always who bought it. Oh you're looking at buying a house? Run me through your whole plan and idea. BUT if it was 'hey having friend problems' he interupts you before you can finish the sentence and is on his phone uninterested.

He is a complicated man. I just realised I came on here to talk about my friend and our 'xmas' plans, and now I've spent probably half an hour venting about my dad and how toxic he is.

So to get back to my original goal - my friend asked me to hang out at hers for xmas since we're both in edinburgh and have no family here. It's the friend that has the emotionally abusive bf that I don't like at all. But I thought, I'd put it aside and just suck it up and go. Which in retrospect I was just doing it so I wouldn't have to be alone on xmas. Thats no reason at all. But anyways, she came to mine last week and randomly as she was leaving asked me if I'd be down to take shrooms on xmas and 'go on a trip'. I was caught off guard, and I also didn't want to seem 'not cool' so I said yes. And then she left. But as soon as she left, as soon as I said it, I felt regret. I do not want to. Nor am I interested in it. When I was 16-18 sure. I wanted to try everything. But I'm almost 29, and honestly, there's nothing less appealing to me than taking a drug that could fuck up my control, my perception, and my awareness. Also just drugs in general now to me are a bit lame. Like I have to say - I know this makes me sound like a bitch but... it's so sad that you have to get high on christmas day. It's a sad thing to do. Like you should be able to just be. I know it makes me sound like a mum, but honestly, she tells me that her and her bf need mdma, and shrooms, and that they're better than alcohol, but the honest truth is... I'm judging you. I know I have no right since I've never done either of them, but also we're grown ups, and like why do you need that stuff. Tbh I could go out clubbing sober now. I don't even need alcohol - sure it makes things a bit more fun, and your inhibitions are lowered - but at the end of the day, if you need it to have a good time, it's sad.

But yeah thats where my heads at. And I don't want to tell her I feel like this, or that I don't want to do it, cause I don't want her feeling like I'm judging her, or that she can't do it, or mention it. And nor do I want her or her bf judging me for being too clean or conservative. I think they already judge me tbh. I'm not 'different', I'm not 'cool'. But also fuck that. I like what I like, I dress how I dress, and I am who I am. I won't apologise for it.

But yeah so I'm probs gonna cancel the night before and just say I'm feeling sick. And then I'm gonna spend the day - probably in town, walk the royal mile, idk I want to be a tourist for the day!

But yeah thats it,

Byeeeeee x

Dad Faults - 11th Nov 24.

I just got off the phone with my dad and as usually it made me upset after. Every time I get off the phone with my dad it does this to me. And I don't mean he does it. It just makes me emotional. I get upset. I get sad. I get... idk I miss him? That's so weird to be coming out of my mouth. He's done some terrible things, he is so flawed, has anger issues, and he is a narcissist. When I was living at home it became apparent for me that if I wanted to be happy I needed to live away from him. And I was so convinced that my life would be better off without him. I was so sure that I could forget him and be fine.

The thing is the complete opposite has happened. I avoid talking to him on the phone, because seeing him makes me sad. I see the grey hair, the wrinkles, the aging, and I can't help but look at him and just see that he is fading in front of my very eyes. He also gets so emotional when hes videoing me and its hard I have to smile, and I try to shrug it off and make it like 'oh its so awkward' but honestly... it just makes me feel so guilty for leaving, and it makes me scared that my time with him around is quite limited. Something in my gut just tells me that, and I just know I'm gonna have regrets when he passes.

He was never around for me and he showed more interest in the couch than he ever did in me. He was always so moody and temperamental, I never knew what reaction we were going to get from him, so we were always walking on egg shells. He use to terrify me, him screaming, was the worst thing. Him being unfaithful to our mum, was the worst thing, his reaction to getting caught was the worst thing. His ability to make everything about himself was and is the worst thing. Even when he calls me its just him talking at me. I want to talk about something, he cuts me off because it doesnt interest him and then he goes back to talking about himself. Thats been our dynamic. And I get it, he has ADHD, and so do I. But I can at least fake interest in conversations, he can't, or he doesnt want to, or he just wont. Idk either way he never showed interest in us, and then he complains that he feels left out. Living at home it definitely bothered me a lot. The way he treats my mum bothers me a lot. The way he walks all over her, financially controls her, takes her for granted, and really doesnt show his love at all... it's so toxic.

He is the reason why I look at relationships so negatively. I look at my mum and sometimes I wonder what a life she could have had. She could have had someone that treated her amazing, that showered her with love, that wanted to be around her, that couldnt get enough of her, that shared similar interests to her. Someone that wasnt him. An aussie? What I would do for her to experience that. At the same time, she lets him treat her like that, she lets him walk all over her, she doesnt put her foot down, she wont walk away, shes stuck in this loveless marriage with a guy who treats her like his mother... except for occassional sex. Yeah I went there. He is so gross. He is a terrible partner. But the sad thing is, he would not survive by himself. She on the other hand is a bloody warrior woman, she does everything, and would live long by herself, and shed get some attention too.

But anyways I didn't come on here to shit on my parents relationship, I came on here to say I look at my dad differently while over here. I'm not exposed to his stupid comments, or his temper tantrums, or the way he treats my mum, so yeah all the bad parts I dont see anymore. And what I do see now is a man whos daughters moved half way across the world, left him, and whos aging terribly. I see someone who is lonely, but forever surrounded by people. It's weird because I see so much of him in myself (and its not the good parts).

Homesickness/Tourists/Date? - 10th Nov 2024

So I need to chat...

There is so much I wanna talk about right now from me going on a date tomorrow with a super hot guy which lets be honest probably wont find me attractive and itll go nowhere, to im missing my family and feeling a little home sick, to I'm feeling out of it, to I'm not feeling well either but I'm not completely sick, to I'm not feeling completely fulfilled by my work, to I feel a little lost? Idk theres a lot and I'm feeling all over the place.

Lets start with how I'm feeling... the lost. I'm not sure even if lost is the right word for it. It just feels like... what am I doing? What is happening any more? what is life? a part of me even wants to say... was this a mistake moving here... but I shut down that straight away. This has been the ultimate adventure. The last 8 months (yes it's been 8 months) has been amazing. I've picked up and moved to a foreign country not knowing anyone, or even how things are run here, and I've managed to find a place to live, find friends, even go on dates, and find a job... and I've managed to keep all of them. I've also seen some amazing things, the history I've felt, the history I've connected with. I am so lucky and I've been so lucky. I just think at times, I almost glaze over what I've managed to accomplish and do and see, and its just moments like this where I need to look back in retrospect and take a step back from what I'm doing to really appreciate all my decisions, experiences, and accomplishments. Its just times where I'm getting wrapped up in my day to day, in my habits, in my safe spaces, and I start taking things for granted. Yup... that's what it is.

Today I left my apartment for the first time in over a week, and I walked into town, I went to Edinburgh Castle, went inside, saw some of the stuff which I missed the first time around, and I walked down the royal mile. Usually I wouldn't bother telling you this but it really did make me jump back into reality. First of all, I was scared to attempt the walk as I was worried I'd lost all my fitness abilities having just stayed in my apartment and not really done much walking (seems to be a common worry for me), but it was actually nice, and I walked slow, and I stopped at my usual points - the meat market arch, the bus stop at castle terrace, the seats on castle terrace - and then I even climbed those stairs up to the castle (which I had never done before - usually I just walk around the long way). But I thought lets challenge myself - who cares what people think about how fit or unfit I am, none of these people know me, and I did use the 'photo method', but I also noticed as I was stopping for breaths... so many other people were struggling, so I felt less ashamed. I got up to the castle area and it was there in that moment that (yes I was trying to find somewhere to catch my breath) but I was also reminded how lucky I am.

I looked around to see tourists everywhere, young families out for their obligatory saturday day out, people from all over the world who had come to see this castle, to see this city. People taking photos that would be forever remembered. And I sat there for a few minutes and just people watched. I watched as these tourists were trying to take the perfect photos and selfies, and I watched their excitement. I felt their excitement. I felt for the first time in a long time so many feelings... I felt also like a tourist, but I also felt like a local, I felt like I was so grateful that I could come and see this anytime, I felt the ora in the air (its hard to explain) but the sense of holiday/sightseeing... these people mostly got on a plane to come here, they probably have a few days with packed itineraries, and must see things and it hit me that I'm so lucky to take everything slow, enjoy every moment, and take in all my surroundings, because I live here now. I'm not a local yet, and nor do I really want to be, but I'm not a tourist anymore either, and again nor do I really want to be. I want a mix of both. I want that excitement to be here, when I'm amongst my surroundings, and I feel of late, I really have been taking that for granted. It's like you get use to it, and well... it sucks. I think I just need every now and again to go to these tourist sites and just be amongst them... just to be amongst tourists who are so excited and so buzzed to be here, it makes you remember why you came here in the first place, it makes you realise how lucky you are to be here, and how much life has changed. It really made me think about my life in Australia and then my life here, I know I'd be home in bed on tiktok watching someone live streaming walking around the castle entrance and I'd be wishing I was there. I'd be yearning for it. But now I'm here in Edinburgh, living here, and I find it difficult to get the motivation to get out of my flat at times. The last few months since mum left I really haven't done much by myself, I haven't gone to sightsee, I got use to living here. Granted, I went overkill on the sightseeing when mum was here but after that I only really have gone out if friends invite me out, and it becomes a friend hangout. It's not the same vibe. And I think I really needed today to remind me of that. I needed to be reminded how lucky I am to be here. How amazing it is here.

So that's all I'll say on that point. But I also am getting tired, but dont want to skip over my date tomorrow or my home sickness. So quick fill in... I've been talking to this guy Liam for a few weeks, we had matched months ago on bumble when mum was here, but there was so much going on so I was terrible at replying. But we rematched and have been talking pretty much everyday since the 21st of october, we've done a phone call, a video call and now I'm ready to meet him. So I put it out there. We had a date scheduled for the start of this week but he got sick, and then we rescheduled to thurs but I wasnt feeling it, so now we've rescheduled to tomorrow and as much as I want to cancel I'm not going to. He's super hot (and can confirm that on vid too), he was making effort on our phone calls (granted our texts are a little more drier), and well... idk how to put this in a fam friendly way but he has a huggggggeeeeeeeeeeee 'heart' XD nahh you know what I mean. But srsly after hanging out with mr micro bartender, I'd love the opposite. So yeah. He does have a daughter whos only a toddler but honestly he seems nice. The only red flag is the daughter, and I guess if I'm gonna be completely honest, the fact that he doesnt drive (hes working on it), and he lives far from edinburgh, and he is terrible at planning dates. Like he just keeps leaving it to me which isnt really nice. But yeah honestly out of all red flags I'd take those. I'm just worried that he wont find me attractive in person, that hell look at me and just go... ahh fat woman.... ahh no thanks... so yeah that is my number one concern right now. He's seen my full body pics on bumble, and I did show him my body on the video call, but I was also wearing all black, and from front on, you dont see the lumps and bumps, so yeah. But I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay, and if it doesnt work and he doesnt find me attractive, I've lost nothing, I've literally got nothing to lose. So me cancelling, would mean I wouldnt get anything, and me going and him finding me unattractive means I wouldn't get anything either. But I am scared of feeling hurt, but thats not a feeling that I haven't had before and I've gone through it, and worked with it and delt with it. At the end of the day, everyone finds different people attractive, and we'll see what happens. It's something I can't control so let's just let it be.

On the home sickness front, well I miss my mum and my family. I miss being home, I miss australia. I miss the days, the warm days. I miss my nala. I miss her so much. I miss all of it. But gotta remind myself my life is better here.

Psychic Reading - 28th Oct 24.

So I need to tell you about tonight. I need to fill you in. I went to a bar tonight which had a spooky halloween themed market and sayonce. If you know me - you know that this is right up my alley. Actually I don't think I've spoken about my...senses... before on here. I cant remember but I need to go through what happened.

So I got inside was looking around the market, and met friends there. I had some time before the sayonce so I went to go get a psychic reading. Now this is the first time I've done one and it was interesting. I went up and straight away she asked if I was aussie, and where I was from, and she was also aussie, and from melbourne, and then she asked me if I was living here, so she knew straight out the bat a bit about me. She asked me to pick three items in front of me, the things that called out to me the most was a small cutout of a tree, an acorn thing, and I dont remember the third one... thats so bad. But anyway she felt the tree for a bit and then basically told me that I have abilities and that my ancestors had abilities as well, she said i come from a long line of spiritual people - and my particular abilities have to do with nature, and healing. Which to me didn't make sense. That was the part where she lost me. I didn't want to tell her I have abilities, so I just smiled and when she asked if I had ever felt abilities, I said no. She then went ahead and told me how I could connect with my abilities... she recommended I talk to trees, I write things down around trees, I basically try and connect with a tree. She told me to pick a tree, and go and talk to it. She told me it may be why I was drawn to here - because this is a magical mystical city - and it drew me in because of my spiritual abilities... whether I believe that I'm not sure. But I do know my abilities have gotten stronger here.

Then she went on to the next piece which was the acorn - she took a minute and asked me if I was looking at leaving, or if there was something I was unsure about or feeling funny about or feeling low. What she didn't know was last night I was severly missing home, I wanted to go home. She even asked me if I was considering leaving. I lied and said no - it wasn't a lie though, there have been moments where I'm second guessing being here, but I know its for the best and this is where I belong. She then found it hard to really give me more info, and she moved on to the next piece which I don't even remember what it was.

This one was weird. She asked me if my yiayia on mums side had died. I told her no. I do wonder if she was picking up on my yiayias mum. She kept telling me something was missing - something was hidden - something is hidden. She then went ahead and told me that my yiayia is likely hiding her true self - and that she may be super opinionated but theres something that nobody really sees of her and it would be ashame if she passed without seeing it. She urged me to talk to her more, and try and see beyond what she presents. Idk that felt weird.

She also said she sensed a maternal vibe, and she said not necessarily children, but potentially animals, in particular she said I need animals around me - familiars are needed. She told me a huge part of me thats missing here is animals which of course it is. She told me to look into fostering animals, or incorporating cats into my life somehow here. She said my energy needs it - both for my spiritual side and mental health wise. She told me if it was possible to get a cat here. Which of course needed no 2nd thought.

Then she went back to the acorn and told me there was something missing, something she couldnt access. She told me to pick up another item, this time I picked up a black slate literally. She tried to get a reading on it but she found it really difficult. She told me I've come here to live, to be different, to have new experiences, but I've gotten to comfortable. She was warning me although its a new life, don't make it like your old one. She asked me if I've been questioning my lifes purpose - which of course I have - but I said no. She said your purpose will be clear when you try more things, basically get out there and do things. I need to take risks, I can't live inside the box that is comfortable, get out of the box. Which honestly... rang so true to home but she didnt know that.

She then pulled out a tarot card and it was a dove flying over the sky. She said it usually means youre too close to the situation, you need to take an overall look from above, not literally, but step away and you'll see. I'm not too sure what that means yet. I also told her that and she did another tarot card for me where she pulled out 'transformation', and again she said to me I need to basically find purpose in my life, and to do that I need to experience more, and try new things. She was saying it might not be tomorrow, next year, or even in the coming 10 years, but ultimately she said I needed to find that 'love' in my life, I needed to be consumed by it, I needed a passion. And make that passion my reason, my purpose. When I was listening to her talk I felt that sense of uncertainty, the sense of idk what im doing, idk what life is, what is my purpose, and why am i here, and well - she hit the nail on the head, but she said she couldnt answer it, that she can only read the answers inside of me. So she told me to go and do some exploring.

The funny thing is I thought I had done my exploring. The past couple of months I've gotten comfortable. I've gotten into a boring routine. But this has made me re-think. Maybe I do need to do something. Maybe I should volunteer at a cat shelter or something? Idk.

Anyways, so that happened... then it was time for the sayonce. One thing you should know is I told the group about the tree thing, and we joked about connecting with nature, krissy said I should get some shrooms and have a trip. Which I laughed, but I low key was thinking, yeah.

Anyways, we went into the room. And it was like a low budget version of John Edwards. The woman tried to connect with spirits, and she was saying names, and initials, and things. She wasn't as good as John, but she did manage to connect with a few people. I think one was me. The whole time, all I wanted was my papou to come through and tell me I was doing good. I know I have the ability to do it myself, but to have someone else who is not just me, giving me the reassurance that what I actually feel and talk to and sense is real, would be nice. And papou I've had one time like that when we were watching the Simpsons together in Atkinson St. As I was literally praying to god to get him to come through. She said 'I feel like someone over there (and pointed to my section) is trying to go on a journey or discover themselves, but don't take it to far. I feel like someone was talking about mushrooms, was anyone talking about mushrooms. And of course me and krissy were in shock but laughing. And she continued saying 'someone is telling me don't take things too far like that'. Which knowing anyone in my family, they're so against drugs I could only imagine. Then she went on and spoke about someone with issues with control, and loving lists, and all I could think was... thats me. This is for me. But she said to let go and not be so controlling, let life guide you. So yeah.... basically... go out there and experience stuff, but dont force anything.

Yeah that was my night.

Liam. 20th October 24

I've just spent the last 30 minutes talking to Liam. Not literally, but just putting it out there of how much he deserved better but I thought it was only fitting that I talk about him in here, since I'm pretty sure some of my earliest entries were Liam related. I know I defs had some fan fics in here too. So let's get into it.

In case you didn't know Liam Payne died this week. I was watching Terrifier 2 with my friend when I got a text from my sister saying 'Liam died' that was it. At first I thought she was joking or messing with me, and then I was confused, and then I googled and I was just met with all of these headlines. It had happened an hour before. He had fallen off a hotel balcony and that was the extent of the info that was available. It didn't feel real, like honestly it was not real. It still isn't real. That morning I was watching TikToks of the whole world pretty much 'cringing' at him, and I just remember thinking 'poor guy'. I went into my bed and went down the rabbit hole of what happened exactly. I was watching the livestream of the ambulance coming to collect his body, I was watching the fans outside of the hotel, I was reading all the articles, I found the TMZ body picture (which was cropped), I was just in shock honestly.

The next few days I was feeling grey. I had my friend here staying with me going through some relationship issues, which wasn't helping things but I definitely felt low. I'm so careful to say I wasn't grieving. I didn't know the man. I mean my 16 year old self would say otherwise, he felt like my life partner, he was everything to me, he got me through high school, he gave me a distraction when I couldn't see a future for myself, he gave me a reason to push through and keep breathing. I just know that if he had died when I was 16 or 17, I would've probably died with him. Thats how much of an effect he had on my life.

Anyway I can't help but think now that my future (and probably a lot of other girls futures and happiness at that time) came at the cost of his life now. It caused a lot of mental health problems for him, addiction problems, and everything that comes along with that. But at the same time if he hadn't found 1D, he'd never have had met Cheryl, he'd never have had Bear, and I'd like to think thats probably one of the things that he is most proud of. But poor Bear and his poor mum and dad, and sisters. Like I just can't imagine what they're going through.

Sorry I just spent another 30 mins reading more articles about that night. I need to know I need to know for myself, for almost closure. Was he trying to kill himself, or was it an accident. I need to know. But the sad thing is I don't think I'll ever know. And honestly it's not my place to know either.

It's just so complicated like I never knew him, but yet my teenage self felt like we did, in fact he was the face and voice I'd listen to for most of the day during the last few years of high school. He got me through those times, and to think he's just gone is crazy. He was my saving grace in those years.

Liam if you can hear me I want you to know that I supported you from your X Factor days, to One Direction to your solo days. I'll admit after high school, life got better for me, and I didn't need you as much as I once did, but you were always still at the back of my mind, I still listened to your music (I still do), whenever you had a new song out I was excited to hear it. In fact your latest one 'teardrops' I really liked, and it had so much potential. I was almost mad at your marketing team for not doing a good enough job marketing it. Thats my marketing brain for you though. Anyways, you were and are my number one celebrity crush. No matter how 'cringy' people think/or thought you were, you were the person that got me through high school, and I want to thank you for that. I may not have known you, in fact I know I didn't know the real you, I wager that nobody really knew the real you, but your face and your voice got me through the hardest time of my life (so far) and I can only thank you for that. You're an angel. And I'm not excusing any bad behaviour that occurred from you whilst you were alive, but I am saying thank you for your service. Everyone makes terrible decisions, and everyone makes mistakes, and you were human, you are human, you just like everyone else made human mistakes. I just wish that you were protected more, I wish they had given you access to psychologists and psychiatrists, and mandated sessions with them whilst you guys were touring, and I wish that you had more support both in and outside of the band. You deserved better.

I'm going to leave it to that - you deserved better.

Desi x

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