Remember Remember the Fifth of November
This time last year, I curled broken and sobbing on the floor, suffocating from a dangerous combination of great euphoria and exquisitely raw pain.
This time last year, I stayed up until 2am crying into pillows while reading fanfic because experiencing further pain was the only way I could release it all.
This time last year, I thought and I thought and I thought and these thoughts stole my sleep, and I lay awake in bed realizing none of Us would ever be the same again.
This time last year, my sleep submitted to the whims of fanfiction, and I experienced more 2am breakdowns than I believe I ever will in my whole life.
This time last year, everything changed. A grieving Angel proclaimed his romantic love for a broken man. Misha Collins became even more of a hero, and began his long battle defending his own character’s truth.
Tumblr crashed. Hellers ran to the streets and shouted through tears. Many new memes began their lifecycle. The stages of grief became an endless repetition. Twitter staff members lost their minds.
And all over the world, writers sat down at their desk with inspiration from broken hearts, artists took up their sketchbooks, poets typed and retyped, YouTubers compiled the summary of love into five minute edits, and songs gained new meanings.
I’ve had people laugh at me, for finding purpose in shows and books. ‘Supernatural isn’t the real world,” they say.
But those tears felt real. The loss we felt, we ached, and our shudders of grief reverberated across the world. That was real. We remember the pain of Dean’s loss, for his loss is our own.
The ones I’ve met because of this show, they are real. They have changed my life, turned me around, given me purpose. Meaning. Love. Happiness. Reasons.
So Here’s to Cas, to Dean, to Destiel, to November 5th.
Here’s to Ao3, to creators and commenters and fans and supporters.
Here’s to the ones I love and here’s to us.
Here’s to pain, to profound bonds, to loss and new happiness, to healing and grieving.
We’ll never have peace. Because we’ll never be done. And you know, there’s something comforting in the idea of collectively never letting go.
If Destiel is not real to some fools, May we deny their reality and create our own.
Happy 1st Anniversary, Hellers.
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