hi sunshine! my name is brooke and first things first, i love you.
okay just needed to get that out of the way in case you quickly decided to stop reading. i am SO BEYOND EXCITED to finally see you on the reputation tour! my first show is metlife night 3 with @sayinitsgonnabealright and @redlipclassic and then iāll be at all 3 nights of gillette with my best friend @gettingsweptaways! itās been almost 3 years since iāve seen you on the 1989 tour and i canāt wait for my heart to feel a little more whole while standing in a stadium with you and thousands of other people singing at the top of my lungs.
i swear iāve been trying to think of what to say to you in one of these tour post situations for weeks and weeks. iāve struggled with feeling like nothing i had to tell you was really worth telling. my dashboard is constantly filled with posts from pretty and charming people with amazing handmade costumes, exciting life events to fill you in on, adorable significant others to show offā¦and iām just kind ofā¦here lol. yet thereās a small part of me that still feels like i need to throw something out into the void to let you know that iāll be one of thousands of faces in a crowd in a specific area on a specific date. iāve also tried to refrain because iām not very good at being quick and to the point. i tend to get wordy and overshare but here we go anyway.
iāve been dealing with chronic illness since i was 9. i was forced to quickly do a lot of growing up because of the severity of my first diagnosis - a blood disorder called ITP - didnāt allow for me to be wild and reckless like a lot of kids typically are. i was pulled off of all my sports teams and could no longer participate in activities i loved like tubing on my grandmaās lake or going sledding with my friends. my doctors didnāt even want me to ride my bike (but i did anyway \m/). i became angry at the world and the fact that i was no longer ānormalā. thatās when i first turned to music. when school started a few months later, i joined chorus and started playing the violin which led to cello. Ā it was something that made me feel a little less broken.
the hardest diagnosis has been the most recent one: lupus. itās one that was gradual and yet at the same time completely slammed me. a lot of people arenāt really familiar with it but i feel like you are because selena gomez also has it (her openness with her struggle and advocacy has meant the world btw). i was 15 when i was declared to be in remission for ITP. i was obviously relieved, but the fact that i was feeling worse than i had in years made it hard to be excited. it felt like i was never going to catch a break. i was incredibly exhausted all the time, my bones hurt and i would often get sick and have fevers. the doctors diagnosed me with JIA - juvenile idiopathic arthritis. thatās also when the possibility of me having lupus was first brought up. i was just trying to make it through high school like iām sure everyone else around me was except i felt like i had the entire universe working against me. being so sick and not having many answers or a suitable treatment plan caused my anxiety and depression to sky rocket and i missed an insane amount of school (iām talking like 64 full days my senior year - its a miracle that i graduated). it took 3 years for me to officially be diagnosed with lupus.
it was during that dark and scary time that i started playing guitar and writing songs. you, of course, were the main inspiration for that. iāve listened to your music since i was 12; my love and dedication for you increasing with each passing year. i had seen interview after interview where youād say something about how songwriting was an outlet for you and i think i was desperate for just something, anything to help me feel better. i already loved music and singing and often wrote poetry that resembled lyrics anyway so i felt inspired to give it a go. i got a guitar for christmas when i was 16 and i think that really was my saving grace. it gave me something to do, something to focus on and it was something that i could control my progress and outcome. it took a few months for the connection of chords and strumming patterns and lyrics to click but when it did it was magic. it was so magical that a few years later i applied to belmont in nashville to pursue songwriting and music business and got in! the catch is that the official lupus diagnosis came around the same time as my acceptance letter and moving across the country by myself with an unpredictable illness just wasnāt the right call for me to make. i think i gave up a little after that. i mean i was still writing, singing and playing, but the fire for me to turn it into something had dulled. it just didnāt seem like anything good was possible for me. i still catch myself wondering what would have become of my life had i been able to follow that dream.
the thing about chronic illnesses is that theyāre wildly isolating. its hard for people to understand what itās like and because of that iāve had a lot of people justā¦kind of leave. when youāre often having to skip out on plans because you donāt feel well, people stop inviting you to things. when you take 2 days to respond to a text because youāve been sleeping for 17 hours straight, people stop talking to you. i honestly donāt blame them - i know itās not easy to be my friend. but even when everyone else has gone, youāre still there. from everything from hospital stays, blood transfusions and chemo shots to silly crushes and just needing a good dance party alone in my room, iāve had you.
i just turned 23 so iāve spent a whole decade with you by my side. youāve always been there and i am so inexplicably thankful for you and your presence in my life. i truly canāt imagine it any other way. iāve watched you grow up gracefully while remaining kind and humble. youāre poised, intelligent and respectful without being uptight or unapproachable. if i could turn out to be even a small fraction of the woman that you are today, i think iāll be okay in life.
i still havenāt had the chance to hug you yet but it would mean the entire world to be able to thank you in person for everything youāve done and for everything that you are. i adore you endlessly and hope you know that iāll always be rooting for you.
i know this has been a novel filled with pretty much nothing but emotional word vomit so i commend you for making it this far.
donāt read the last page, but i stay.
metlife night 3 7/22 - section 10 row 5 seats 20-23
gillette night 1 7/26 - Ā section 141 row 33 seats 19 & 20
gillette night 2 7/27 - section 135 row 13 seats 1 & 2
gillette night 3 7/28 - section 304 row 4 seats 13-15
prguitarman
origamiaround
