Searching for Intimacy / MerDer
Meredith didn’t even realize how long it’s been since her and Derek have had sex until he mentioned it. A lot has been going on with the shooting and the earthquake, so sex was one of the last thing on her mind, and not to mention Derek’s multiple chest injuries have made having sex a bit difficult, and the fact that Meredith still isn’t over having a miscarriage. The images always popped back up after she thought she was fine. Meredith sighed and ran her hand through Derek’s hair, smiling a bit at him. She couldn’t help it, they’ve been through a lot in the latest year, and she was a bit amazed that they’re both still standing when they’ve lost so many people already. Meredith still wasn’t use to commitment, since she usually never did the whole relationship thing and stuck to one night stands, but Derek was different. She felt safe with him, and she was actually happy.
Meredith felt Derek’s hands on her thighs and a shiver went through her body. A small moan escaped her lips as his hand moved up her side and she pressed another kiss to his lips. Her arms wrapped around his neck, their bodies pressed together. She glanced down for a second when she felt him lifting up her shirt, and remembered all of the times she’s worn this shirt in the duration of their relationship. The shirt held so many memories between them, and even though they weren’t all good, she wouldn’t trade them for anything. She sighed when she noticed that he stopped, and felt bad because she wanted it, god she wanted it, but the scar still brought back memories that she’d like to get rid of.
Meredith looked up when Derek said her name and sighed running a hand through her hair before she looked down again. “Derek.. i’m sorry. I wanted this, believe me, but I just… I can’t.” She shook her head as she glanced back up at him. “I see the scar, and I immediately think of how many people were almost killed that day. You practically bled out in front of me, Alex was shot, Lexie was supposed to be shot, and Cristina had a gun pressed against her skull. I could have lost all of you.” Meredith closed her eyes and nodded as he talked, knowing he was just saying that to try to calm her down. “I know you’re not going anywhere, I do, but I can’t help it. My mind goes to the worst possible scenario.” Meredith relaxed a bit when she felt Derek’s hand on her cheek and she shifted over a bit, taking his hand and intertwining it with hers. “You better fulfill your promise, or i’ll kick your ass, or i’ll get Alex to do it since you think i’m so ineffectual.” She tilted her head a bit when he said he was reliving it a lot and scooted closer to him, “Wait, what?”
Derek definitely wanted to continue the beginnings of their love making, he wanted to take it further, he was definitely ready and maybe it would take his mind off of things, but he knew since Meredith’s shaking and her spotting his scar on his chest it wasn’t going to happen. That scar was going to be there forever, and part of him kind of liked it. Not what it represented of course, not the fact that he’d gotten shot, that Meredith had lost their child, nor did he like the memories associated with his other surgical wound, it was more the fact that they’d come out of the other side of it. Stronger and that they knew they could survive. Surviving was the hard part, but they’d managed it twice in the space of two months, and they could definitely do it again if they had to. The likely thing was they would have to what with the hospital being Seattle Grace Mercy Death.
“I understand.” Derek confirmed his hand moving to gently cup her cheek, before moving away. He sighed gently as she spoke, “But you didn’t lose any of us.” he affirmed. There had been so much potential for his wife to lose everyone she loved, admittedly. but she hadn’t lost any of them thankfully, and Derek knew it was hard for her to see the good. One of the things he loved about her was the way she thought about things and processed them differently to him, they worked well for one another because of their opposites and differences, but obviously this could make it harder for her to get past the tragedies they had to deal with, whereas he just bucked up and shoved it away doing his best to get past things. “Don’t I know it Meredith.” He replied with a nod. “You won’t lose any of us, I know the hospitals apt nickname, but I promise you I won’t let anything happen. Trust me.”
He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, getting closer to his wife, this was enough intimate contact. This and the conversation were enough for him for now, the two of them were connecting on a level he felt they hadn’t connected for a while, and given the opportunity he was going to take it. “Karev couldn’t kick my ass, I could take him.” Derek bit his tongue teasingly looking over at her. “I’m definitely more scared of your ineffectual fists than I am of him. You’re persistent, you’d wear me down over time, that would definitely be harder to deal with.” Derek laughed gently. He looked down, gripping her hand tightly and nodded as she asked him about his reliving the events. “Well, uh, you know the earthquake?” He asked. “The bookcase falling on my chest…the pain was reasonably similar to that of being shot in the chest.” Derek paused, a hand moving to rub at his temple. “Every time I close my eyes and try to sleep I see that day again. I see Gary Clark, I see myself on the ground, blood on my hand, blood pooling around my body, the coldness, the pain, unable to breathe.” Derek shakes his head. “I have nightmares, and I can’t sleep.”
