Just Thoughts

[itsnotbk]

i am so shocked.

spechless.

hurt

just paralyzed in thought

[itsnotbk]

really disappointed in myself

and i have no one else to blame but myself

[itsnotbk]

Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an excessive focus on oneself, a strong sense of entitlement, and a need for admiration from others. People with high levels of narcissism may have a lack of empathy for others and often seek validation and attention.

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

[itsnotbk]

OK, I don’t know how it should be feeling right now. But I all I know is that I am really irritated and really pissed off with this attitude. Because this is going against everything that you said earlier. So there’s nothing about the situation that you have improved on at all. Yes, you could’ve said some words that were very nice and it felt very reassuring in the moment. But everything leading up to it afterwards has absolutely made me feel like shit, and at that point you might as well not say those nice things to me at all, because I would rather know from the start, that this is how I’m going to feel, rather than feeling calm, and then have the complete opposite after

[itsnotbk]

Dear potato,

I love you very much and I am so happy to see how far we’ve come. You’ve changed so much and all for the better and it really makes me love you so much more.

[turtlesandfrogs]

Queuing this for January too.

[itsnotbk]

Saving because this actually sounds cool

[itsnotbk]

I’m so blessed to be love by you. You see me as the most perfect person in the world and you always want me to be happy. You always think and care about me. I’m always on our mind, first one you call to share good news but also your bad news. You’re always growing and being better for our relationship. And you’re always willing to listen and change.

Part 1

[itsnotbk]

So grateful for you.

[itsnotbk]

And you know what this made me realize? Lol I wish my mom told me I was more beautiful more often (like just gave more compliments) growing up because I would’ve been so much more confident in myself and believed I was because I would’ve turned out so different. And I am going to promise myself I will make sure I remind my children how beautiful they are

- sent this to Anna when I was high and having a moment deep in my thoughts. At 11:57pm and it’s 3am at home.

[itsnotbk]

Hey thoughts, it’s me

I’m feeling something that I don’t want to feel. Nor do I think I want to acknowledge it. I definitely need to dig deeper in myself with this thought. Because I think I am only scratching the surface level of this thought, and I remember having this thought before. And I even told myself I wanted to dig deeper into this thought, because I wanted to manipulate it. I wanted to change how I felt about this thought, and wanted to dissect it, and figure out more what’s wrong with me. Not saying there’s a problem with me, but definitely everything stems from with it. And I think I really need to sit with my self for this one. But I almost feel like I am in denial of it. I’m in denial of it because I’m actually scared if what I dissect from it, is going to be what I don’t want it to be.

[classycookiexo]

[itsnotbk]

My perspective on what the real problem is

It’s not communication. No matter how many times he say it’s communication, it’s not. It’s the lack of patience and willingness to understand on his end. I don’t think that it’s fair that when we are having a conversation, and there’s no reason to be frustrated or upset or have any kind of anger. And he’s trying to explain or tell me a story, and I can’t seem to puzzle together what he’s saying, that I will ask one to two questions so that I can understand what’s happening. But I have never once raise, my voice, got mad at him, and said complained that I have no idea what he’s saying, that he need to come correct, and that what he’s saying, to start it all over again because he doesn’t make sense and I’m getting frustrated Because I can’t understand.

And you wanna know why? Because we are just having a normal conversation. And there’s no need to choose to be angry, or frustrated, or even make it a big deal because something doesn’t make sense. And even if something didn’t make sense, why is it so hard to be a little bit more patient and keep your emotions out of it. Yet when I get my emotions into it, because now I sense and hear from your tonality you’re getting annoyed at for me not being able to come correct the first time, or even the second time, but now I’m the problem, because he can’t seem to understand, and then he gets annoyed.

What I really think it boils down to, is how he choose to make everything a serious situation. I slowly limit myself to certain things I want to talk to him about because I can’t even have a normal conversation or a fun conversation, or even a lighthearted conversation about random stuff or even if it’s just something that happened to me today with, without him having to get annoyed at me because I can’t make sense or now he has to think a little bit more to puzzle my story together but never once in my entire life until I met him, did it all of a sudden become a problem because he can’t understand me. don’t give me the “I’m not like anybody else. You’ve never met anyone like me this is the world of sharks” speech. Because saying that about you doesnt make you sound any better of a person. None of my friends, none of my colleges, none of my bosses or even my parents and their friends have ever once complained or got annoyed when I told them a story, or I talked to them about whatever, did they react the way you do.

Someone help me understand!

This is my perspective on the problem. Because this isn’t the first time that it’s happened when I just wanna tell him about a story that happened, or if I wanted to point out some thing and show him because I thought it was really cute, and it turned into a whole big debate about how I can’t ‘communicate’ better (when it’s because he doesn’t want to ask questions. He just wants to understand it the first time and the first time only)

But can you see how this is actually frustrating for me? This situation makes me feel misunderstood and I feel like I’m always going to be the problem for this. Every time will be because of my “lack of commutation” and It’s not fair that I will always be told that things won’t get better until I communicate better when a little more patience and understand with a little compassion can go a really long way, especially if I’m your partner.

Now I just feel like it’s so unfair how patient I am and how patient I try to be even more at times, and I can’t even receive the patience and understanding back. It just makes me feel like I don’t even want to have the patience anymore, and that every time he says something that doesn’t sound right the first time, I should get annoyed show him how the air changes because he feels like he can’t just continue his flow of the conversation without being told to restart.

[itsnotbk]

Dear universe.

I feel, am lost. My mind is all over the place, I have so many thoughts running at the same time. I am very hurt, I am very wounded and I am fragile right now. I am not understood. I am not heard. I spoke but the words don’t register. It’s a battle. It’s a war. It’s back and forth. I’m not happy, I’m almost angry but so sad too.

[itsnotbk]

It Has to be anxiety

I hate to finally admit it to myself but that feeling that I get when I can anticipate the negative comings once we get home is definitely anxiety.

This whole time I always wanted to believe it’s just me overthinking.

I have anxiety the entire time. I know what’s coming or what’s to come and I wish I could run away from it. I think it’s one thing to know you might be in “trouble” let’s say. But to have anxiety every time I think I’m in trouble? I don’t think that’s a good thing…

[itsnotbk]

Men and women truly are different.

Yet it’s so beautiful to see when they’re able to understand each other. To learn our differences and accept it. Throughout the year, I learn that women are very emotional beings. Some more than others but you cannot argue that women are like men. Men are built different, to solve and to fix. To provide and to conquer. You give them a problem and they will find you a solution on almost any given day.

Women deep down love to take care and nurture. We empathize more, we feel more and understand pain more. We want to shelter that pain take it away.

Men and women finding a common ground like our interest, morals and values is a great surface to scratch, but being able to really understand the mind of men and woman and finding balancing that in a relationship is a the key to heaven. Understanding the que’s of when we should console or when we should speak. When to listen and when to help. When to pretend to be deaf lol and when to guide. When to accept and when to teach but all well having a neutral mindset and knowing that maybe you don’t need to add your two cents, or maybe asking if they want some help. Or if they just want to listen or vent to and just accepting it and then leaving it alone. 

Because sometimes… just telling someone you feel safe and comfortable with is really is all that’s needed. Being a good listener sometimes the best medicine. Having Someone make you feel understood and heard because that’s all you needed to just feel better. Just having say “I’m happy for you!” “Aww that sucks I’m sorry you had to go through that” “im proud of you” “you’re honestly doing great.” “I love that for you” “you went through a lot but im happy to see you’re doing good” just a confirmation that you’re doing good.

[itsnotbk]

Being misunderstood and not being heard.

I wanted to share something I was so happy about. Something that I was proud of myself for realizing and overcoming. Something that I felt I was battling with because I didn’t want to feel that way and think that way to begin with. And I know you knew about it because I told you I did not want to be the way I was and that I needed time for myself to understand and work on it. After the heated conversations you walked in on me mediating and just… my body releasing the feeling of disappointment in myself.

Yet how is it when I finally overcome it, and wanted to share this “ah-ha” moment I get caught in almost another disagreement about my actions. Yes the feeling left my body but that’s one thing to let it go, it’s another thing to realize and understand the core to why it happened. Admitting your faults and realizing the core problem on how it started and to admit it is really what self work and self development is. It always starts with you. Always starts from what’s within. And once you understand that anger, jealousy, comparison stems from within your deep self, and you are able to find out exactly why, then you’ve worked on yourself.

Working on yourself is not easy, absolutely not. It’s not just knowing you got mad and saying you’re never going to do it again. It’s understanding and admitting that you were mad, why you got mad, what started that reason that made you mad, how you acted when you were mad and why you won’t want to act that way again. Then the biggest step after that is admitting to yourself that it’s a you problem, and nobody else but you caused that anger. Because nobody just makes you mad unless it’s something you’re not willing to accept.