u had to write bc you can't actually believe what's happening
when i see a gap here, i know i just had the best or the worst days of my life.
This time they were amazing
I'm finally talking to someone romantically
I have this small problem where i think i'm the main character, so when we first interacted (he seek me out) I said to my friend "if he's doing it with that intention, he is going for the win"
We met like a year ago at an event, he is the friend of a friend, but we didn't start talking until like a month ago. And I've admired his gameplay from the very start:
he searched for mutual interest to strike a fulfilling conversation,
he then arranged for me to be in a group chat about said interest to ensure the continuity of the interaction,
he gave it time before trying to talk to me privately again,
he continued to only talk to me with time lapses in between, so I got used to his presence without it being forced (they were always followups of the group chat's subjects),
he responded an Instagram story about a project I was preparing and seemed really interested in it,
he waited for me to keep the conversation flowing without letting it drop but without forcing it,
he then made the "I've got a perfect sticker" to move to WhatsApp,
and the rest was amazing too.
While we talked, he filled the silence with memes and random reels so we ended up talking every day
Somehow he created a safe comfortable space in which I felt completely at peace and it got me sharing stuff about myself I don't normally do so easily (and to a stranger nonetheless)
By the time he said anything about a date I was at complete ease and felt I could tell him everything. And that was a whole event by itself:
We were talking about how honesty is always the best policy and how we both like to go head first with the truth and have ugly and awkward conversations instead of going with the flow when he said "I wanted to ask you out on a date, but I don't know if that's cool"
now, chances are, im the only one who's going to read this, but I'm going to say it anyway
Normally this is the part when i -very apologetically- say I'm not interested in that and try to maintain the friendship as long as I can until the other person, defeated, ghosts me.
But like i said: i'd been playing with the idea since the very beginning, I absolutely admired the process and how it played out, I felt completely comfortable talking to him and frankly didn't want to stop;
and something very influential: i've been talking myself into a relationship since the beginning of the year, and since we started talking i started picturing a possible relationship with him, so it really wasn't completely out of the blue;
I surprised both of us by saying i wanted that too
he told me that: that he was ready for me to say no
long story short, we discussed it, like all of it. How a date would play out, what we needed to happen before that, how a relationship would work out, and his past.
He told me that was a deal breaker for him, he needed me to know the ugly truths and then decide if I wanted his presence in my life, it was amazing (tho a bit overwhelming)
Now, you know yourself, darling. You know exactly what fears were creeping into your mind at the prospect of dating (I still can't believe it) a 23year-old male.
Not all of it, though you clearly said there were more thing you wanted to discuss with him before that first date.
But you discussed your past experiences, your inexperience, your fears and your boundaries, and made clear that while you accepted his and wanted to continue forward now you knew them, you understand if he didn't,
I mean, what could you possibly offer him when physical affection was going to be out of the table for at least a while?
He didn't -want to halt thing that is
He accepted you, messy and problematic as you showed yourself and validated and reassured you about every single issue you presented, showing a kind of support you hadn't dared to hope for.
It was a wholesome morning
You keep those long deep conversations, music recommendations and random musings, with the now new addition of endearments when saying hello and goodbye -it was dreamlike
You started to notice a pattern though -he acted exactly like your main character's romantic interest. Had you unknowingly manifested him?
You didn't care a lot, you were actually happy. You are actually happy. He's making you very happy.
time got in the way, though you were actually glad about it, you knew chances were you wouldn't last past a first date, and didn't want to lose his presence in your life.
You were preparing for it, dreading that given moment when he would kiss you and you would run away.
Spoiler: it didn't happen.
You saw it so much earlier than you had expected, and he had asked you if he could hug you when you did, it was an exciting gathering with your mutual friends (though most of them were only his friends). You didn't get or try to get any alone time, enjoying the company and entertainment the gathering itself provided. Still, he didn't keep his distance either, standing or sitting close to you and letting his hands linger on your shoulders or your back when he could make it look casual. (He also won a chocolate bar in a game and gave you a piece ! i mean, couple-stuff xd)
Contrary to popular belief (the pop being your past self), you were elated at that and didn't feel at all uncomfortable, but content in his ministrations, it was nice to feel cared for, even if you were still dreading the link's inevitable end once you meet alone for the first time.
You thought you had more time, you weren't going to be in the same city for 2 weeks and wouldn't be able to meet for another week after that, and you already knew 600km did wonder for difficult relationships (see: your father-daughter bond)
Life does like to play with your plans though, and his leaving got delayed, which prompted him to ask you out the very next night, again surprising even yourself, you agreed and no more than 30 min later he picked you up (saying he didn't want to miss out on the walking part)
You spent almost 8 hours together.
It was ... ... ... beautiful
You were able to gather the courage and ask him again if he was ok with the fact that you weren't ready to kiss him yet, and his answer would still make you swoon over it if he hadn't made other more swoon-able statements since.
"I like interacting with you, and I'm not about to give that up because I can't kiss you"
"I'm so happy just because I can hold your hand"
I want you to know I want to kiss you right now, but I know that would make you uncomfortable, so I'm ok with not doing it, because I want you to be comfortable with me"
Cold made us leave things at that and i took him home, he doesn't drive and I do and i couldn't on good conscience let him walk home in the freezing cold.
When saying goodbye, he asked me if what had just happened was a date, I think is better with direct speech, so here I go:
"Do you want to count this as a date? cause I know you said there were more things we needed to talk about before you could feel like you could go out with me, and I respect that-"
"Great," some time passed in which we only smile before he started fussing again, "Do you want to have another one someday?"
i mean, can he be any cuter??!
He left the next morning, and we planned to see each other at the latest on his birthday. We also decided that prior to that we needed to tell our mutual friends about it, so we could hold hands (!) at his party.
He did it the very same morning.
All cute as all that was, it wasn't the best (this have been a couple of very intense days)
After some deliberation and because it was prompted by some of his own confessions, I finally told him I was ace, and his answer (!!!!!!): "I suspected it", was more than I could have hope for. He suspected it and didn't broke things up, he said he was ok with that knowing it could be a permanent thing, he,,,, he tore down all my insecurities with a 12-letter phrase.
I went on explaining myself and how i really didn't know if all that was completely out of the table or not, but that I wasn't keen on rushing myself to find out.
He fucking told me he was fucking OK with that.
That "Everyone has their own time", "I don't want you to feel pressured in any way", "I just wanna walk alongside you", "And, if you want, to hold your hand"
I had already decided, but i confirmed there and then that were he to break my heart, I would never regret giving him a chance, because I never thought I would meet someone that would so openly accept that part of me
I feel so happy and safe right now.
Before everything that happened, i had told my friend that talking to him was like therapy and I stand by that, never had I ever had so many important healthy conversations, and never had I ever been able to talk about so many things as I can with him.
I also made him promise me to tell me when I start bothering him or when he starts feeling annoyed at me, and I promised him to trust that he will instead of pushing him away because I thought he had, which I think it's the healthiest thing ever.
I feel like i'm seeing the world with pink-coloured glasses, but for the first time ever, I'm letting myself do that, and I'm trusting he's not going to make me regret it. I told him already, that he's now got the power to hurt me, and I feel that it shows lots of growth on my part, or at least that -for the first time ever- I'm allowing myself to be happy.
jbbartram-illu
2087
baratheonpilled
dededos
