shewritesaboutit

I’m Reem 🌸 a quiet soul learning to breathe through the heavy days. I feel too much, love too deep, and break a little more gently now. Still searching—for peace, for meaning, for myself.

[itsshewritesaboutit]

This is Me — Gently Unfolding

Hi, I’m Reem — welcome to my little corner of the internet. This blog is where I share pieces of my world, my thoughts, and the quiet chaos that makes life uniquely mine. I’m a deeply emotional soul moving through life’s highs and lows with a curious heart and a hint of humor.

Here, you’ll find honesty, a bit of mess, and maybe something that makes you feel a little less alone. I write about the things that move me — whether that’s moments of joy, days of deep reflection, or random things that make my heart feel lighter.

Thanks for being here. Stay as long as you like. 🌹

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry — I Was Tired

Yesterday, I reached a point where I felt like I couldn’t carry anything anymore.

I was not dramatic. I was not seeking attention. I was exhausted.

It wasn’t that I suddenly hated my life. It was more like I felt done. Like I had accepted that maybe this was just my ending. I felt calm in a scary way — like giving up was easier than continuing.

I took more of my medication than I should have.

Part of me didn’t want to wake up anymore. I just wanted rest. Real rest. The kind where the noise stops. The kind where the heaviness lifts.

But something interrupted that ending.

Jenner decided to accompany me to lunch. He took a picture of the medicine and sent it to my mom. In that moment, I realized something, even when I feel like no one can stop me, someone still tries. Someone still shows up.

And I’m still here.

My life feels like it has been extended since I met him. Not because he saved me, but because his presence reminds me that I am seen.

I am so tired.

Tired of being strong. Tired of processing. Tired of holding emotions — mine and everyone else’s. Tired of trying to understand everything.

I didn’t necessarily want death. I wanted relief.

There’s a difference.

Today I’m realizing that wanting to disappear is often just my body and mind begging for rest, not extinction.

I am still here.

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry — When I Feel Angry, What Am I Really Needing?

Today I admitted to myself that I’m annoyed at Matt.

Kapag kailangan niya ng tulong, nandyan ako. Consistent. Available. Hindi naman masama tumulong. Hindi rin ako napipilitan. I genuinely want to help. Pero kapag ako na yung may kailangan — kahit konting support lang — parang hindi niya maibigay. And I tell myself, “Hindi ka dapat nageexpect.” Pero masakit pa rin.

So what is this really?

Is it anger? Or is it unmet need?

I keep saying, okay lang, he needs help. Pero ako rin naman. We both need help. Bakit parang ako yung laging malakas? Bakit parang ako yung laging may capacity? Bakit parang ako yung laging may extra?

I say I won’t limit myself just because others can’t give back. Hindi ako pinalaki na transactional. I help because I can. I help because that’s who I am.

Pero napagod ako today.

And I’m starting to realize — maybe when I feel angry, what I’m really needing is:

To be supported without asking twice. To be chosen too. To not always be the strong one. To feel considered. To feel reciprocated.

Hindi ko kailangan ng grand gestures. Gusto ko lang maramdaman na kapag ako naman ang nangailangan, may sasalo rin sa akin.

Nakakapagod maging “kaya ko.” Nakakapagod maging “understanding.” Nakakapagod maging “mas malawak ang pang unawa.”

There are moments I just want to time pause. Pabuhat naman ako saglit. Pahinga lang. Hindi yung ako na naman ang mag aayos. Hindi ako mawawala forever. Gusto ko lang mag disappear saglit para huminga.

And then I judge myself. Bakit ang dami kong nakikitang issue sa iba? Bakit hindi na lang ako maging mas positive? Masama ba ako for noticing imbalance?

But maybe awareness is not negativity. Maybe it’s clarity.

Anger is not evil. Anger is information.

When I used to feel angry, what was I really needing?

I think I was needing fairness. Rest. Mutual effort. Care that flows both ways.

Maybe I don’t need to stop helping. Maybe I just need to stop overextending.

Maybe love and help should not cost me my own energy every time.

Maybe strength also means saying, “Ako naman.”

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry — September 28, 2025

Today, I spent time reflecting on how I experience emotions and relationships, especially with my mom. I realized that sometimes I feel like an extension of her — as if her emotions automatically become mine. When she is sad, stressed, or angry, I can feel those things too, even if they aren’t originally my feelings. It makes me question where her emotions end and mine begin. I also thought about how my psychiatrist responded before, and how I sometimes worry about being “crazy.” But I’m starting to see that what I’m experiencing can be explained in other ways: empathy, sensitivity, or blurred boundaries. These don’t make me less of a person, they just show that I’ve been deeply tuned in to others, maybe too much at times. One important realization today: Other people’s emotions are not my responsibility. But my triggers and reactions are my responsibility. This gives me some freedom. I don’t have to carry what my mom feels. I can notice when I’m triggered and choose how to respond. Things I want to bring up with my psychiatrist: How I feel like I’m an extension of my mom. That I sometimes “absorb” her emotions. My insight that I don’t want to carry her feelings, only manage my own reactions. How to build healthier boundaries without feeling guilty. I want to remind myself: I am me. My feelings are mine. I can be connected to others without being consumed by them.

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Hi Doc, I want to share in detail two disturbing episodes I experienced, one on January 5, 2022 and one recently on September 30, 2025.

On January 5, 2022, I had what I believe was a hallucination?? vision?? divine revelation?? spiritual experience?? I DON'T KNOW. I felt like I was back in the past. From the start, I knew Dr. Golangco and saw him as God, calling me “children” with soft eyes and a gentle voice, which was very different from his usual high-pitched voice that calls me ‘gaga’ or ‘bruha.' In the hallucination, it felt like he was trying to wake me up while I was only listening to and following my mom, who later appeared as a demon with dark, big eyebags, saggy skin, drained, smiling and laughing like a demon. I became very scared. At that moment I woke up and it was exactly 12:00 AM on January 5, 2022. I heard the sound of a bird’s feather and someone calling me “children,” someone calling my name. At first I thought it was just simple sleep paralysis (which I often experienced during the pandemic), but I knew this was different.

On September 30, 2025 something similar happened again. I’m not sure if I was awake, but I could hear music playing on my PC so I think I fell asleep at my computer table. I felt like I was back in the past again. Today is Wednesday, we came home from Antipolo on Saturday. It felt so real. I was back in the LRT Masinag terminal with my aunt. She was saying many negative things about my mom, smiling and laughing, while I stayed poker-faced and didn’t react because I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of agreeing with her stories. When I finally decided to look at her directly, she changed. Instead of my aunt, I saw a demon version of her with dark eyes, big dark eyebags, and an echo in her voice. I thought, “There’s a demon inside her.”

This is the second time it happened. I’m not sure if I was awake or asleep, but it felt like living in two worlds. I could hear her (not in her usual voice) talking badly about my mom, laughing endlessly, like she was tempting me to sin. This time I wasn’t as scared, maybe because it already happened once before, but I still feel confused and unsettled. I don’t know what’s real in those moments or why this is happening to me.

Could these episodes be related to my health condition po or my medications?

What should I do if it happens again? Thank you, Doc.

[itsshewritesaboutit]

JOURNAL - Have you ever wondered on purpose?

Today, I wandered aimlessly on purpose. Have you ever let yourself get soaked even though you had an umbrella? That's what I did today. It was sweltering day, and the rain totally cooled me down. After walking for 30 minutes like that, the rain stopped and un unbelievably beautiful scene unfolded before my eyes. I saw a huge rainbow. It looked as though It'd gtant me any wish. Then it suddenly hit me. It's actually nice to wander aimlessly every once in a while. From time to time, it'd be wonderful to sail off without a map.

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry — May 21, 2024

Nagising ako kaninang 5am kasi parang may nag snap ng fingers ulit, same nung January 5, 2021. Parang may nag trigger na naman. Hindi ko alam kung tulog ba talaga ako or nasa pagitan lang ng gising at panaginip. Hindi ko rin naramdaman na dumilat ako, parang bukas na agad yung mata ko nung naalimpungatan ako.

May dalawang world na naman.

Yung isa parang normal na Earth. Pero yung pangalawa parang Earth din pero sobrang ganda. Super liwanag. May rainbow. Lahat nakaputi. Ang aaliwalas ng faces nila, parang walang problema, walang sakit, walang iniisip. Masaya sila. Pumapalakpak habang papalapit ako.

For a second akala ko patay na ako. Napa LOL pa ako sa isip ko, like wait dead na ba ako. Hindi ko kilala yung mga mukha pero ang gaan ng presence nila. Parang may hinihintay silang pagdating ko.

Sa peripheral vision ko nakita ko yung kabilang world, yung Earth na alam ko. Nandoon si mommy at ibang tao. Nakatingin sila paitaas, parang sa akin, and pumapalakpak din sila. Naka normal clothes lang sila. Nagtataka ako bakit sila masaya. Bakit sila pumapalakpak. Samantalang ako pagod na pagod. Lumuluha ng dugo. Parang galing na naman ako sa action scene fighting demons. Jusko ano ba tong trip ng utak ko. Bakit laging may laban.

Tapos nagising ako.

Pero yung gising na yun hindi refreshing. Parang hindi ako natulog. Pagod pa rin. Mabigat yung katawan ko. Parang may totoong nangyari. Ilang beses na nangyayari yung ganitong panaginip, yung may two worlds, may liwanag, may audience na pumapalakpak, tapos ako yung sugatan at drained.

Hindi ko alam kung dream ba siya, lucid dream, or kung ano. Ang weird lang kasi hindi ko na feel na pumikit or dumilat ako. Parang biglang shift lang.

Bakit laging may dalawang world. Bakit may mga taong pumapalakpak. At bakit pakiramdam ko ako lang yung pagod at sugatan.

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry — August 5, 2025

I started this business with a dream.

A real, deep, burning purpose.

Not just to make money, but to give back.

To create work, hope, and dignity for people like those I grew up around in Tondo, those who never had the chance to study, to earn, to dream out loud.

To become someone who can create opportunities.

Someone who saw poverty in the streets of Tondo and said,

"Maybe I can do something about this. No, I will."

I prayed, prayed and prayed,

"God, please bless me... use me, to bless others."

And God answered.

In the first 20 days of this business, I earned more than I prayed for.

It felt like a miracle.

It felt like confirmation: This is the path. This is your calling.

Then the typhoon came. Business slowed.

Understandable. It happens. Still, I held onto faith.

God was still blessing me.

Still present.

But then the next five days...

I became unproductive.

Unmotivated.

I started sleeping through the days.

Ignoring orders. Ignoring messages. Avoiding everything.

I don't know what happened.

There are inquiries.

There's money sitting in my bank.

There's work to be done.

But I'm still here, in bed.

Tired.

Tired in a way sleep doesn't fix.

And now, quietly, painfully, I admit:

I feel suicidal.

Not because I want to die.

But because I don't know how to keep living like this.

This cycle. This ache. This pressure.

This endless pull between doing good and falling apart.

I know this isn't a coincidence.

It's not random that I grew up in Tondo.

It's not random that I grew up poor.

That I have this sickness.

That I ended up here, in business.

I believe you gave me these dreams, Lord.

You planted them in my heart, not just for me, but to be a blessing to others.

And I'm so, so grateful.

But how can I do this, God?

How can I fulfill this calling with a weak body? A struggling mindset? No degree? No stable ground? And a heart that is tired all the time?

How can you use someone like me?

I'm soooo, so willing, but I'm breaking.

I don't want to give up.

But I don't know how to go on.

Maybe this is another episode.

Maybe this is part of the journey.

But God, if you are listening, and I believe you are, please remind me why you chose me.

Remind me that I'm still usable. Still loved. Still part of the journey your writing.

Because right now...

I just want to disappear.

I just want peace.

But I also want to live.

Live well. Live with purpose.

Live as me, even if I'm broken and tired.

Please hold me, God.

I don't know what else to pray.

-itsshewritesaboutit

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Our Strength and Our Song

May 31, 2015

Scripture: “The Lord is our strength and our defense; he has become our salvation.” – Psalm 118:14 (NIV)

Today, we sat with the truth of Psalm 118:14, and it reminded us of something deeply personal and deeply powerful: God isn’t just strong—He is our strength. He doesn’t just fight battles—He is our defense. He hasn’t just saved us once—He is our salvation.

This verse isn’t just a statement; it’s an invitation to trust, to rest, and to remember who God truly is in our lives.

Focus on Jesus, Not the Problems

It’s easy to let our minds spiral into worry. The heaviness of life—whether it’s relationships, health, decisions, or uncertainty that can distract and even consume us. But the call today is simple: Fix our eyes on Jesus, not on the problems. When we focus on the storm, we panic. But when we focus on Jesus, we remember: He walks on water. He calms the storm. He holds us up.

Surrender Everything to His Capable Hands

We’re not made to carry all of this alone. So today, we surrender:

• The burdens that weigh on our hearts

• The worries we can’t fix

• The unknowns that leave us anxious

• The plans that didn’t go the way we hoped

We place them into His capable hands—not as a last resort, but as our first response. Because He is able. Because He is near. Because He loves us deeply.

We Ask for Wisdom

James 1:5 says that when we lack wisdom, we should ask God—and He will give it generously, without finding fault.

So we ask, Lord:

• For wisdom in our decisions

• For clarity when we feel stuck

• For discernment when paths are unclear

• For peace when we don’t yet have the answers

We don’t want to move ahead of You or fall behind. We want to walk with You.

Declaration of Faith

Today we declare this together: Jesus is our Savior. Jesus is our redemption. He is our strength, our defender, and our salvation.

No matter how big the problem feels, He is bigger.

No matter how heavy the weight seems, He will carry it with us.

No matter how uncertain tomorrow may look, He holds it securely.

Prayer

Lord, we thank You for Your Word and for the peace it brings. Thank You for reminding us that You are our strength and our salvation. Help us to fix our eyes on You, not on our fears. Teach us to surrender, to trust, and to walk in faith. We ask for wisdom in every area of our lives, and we believe that You are already at work—even in what we don’t yet see. Jesus, we declare today that You are enough. You are the Savior of our souls and the source of our strength.

In Your name we pray,

Amen.

[itsshewritesaboutit]

the Permanence of Love

June 3, 2025

Scripture: ““Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” 1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Today I sat with the reminder that love never fails.

Not the kind of love that’s based on emotions or circumstances—but God’s love. The kind that doesn’t fade, doesn’t leave, and doesn’t change with the seasons.

“Love never fails.” – 1 Corinthians 13:8

Reading this verse again felt like taking a deep breath. It hit me: so many things we chase or worry about—success, control, answers—are temporary. Even spiritual gifts like prophecy, tongues, and knowledge will pass away. But love? Love stays.

1 Corinthians 13:9–10 says:

“For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.”

It reminded me how limited I am. How much I try to hold everything together… to plan, to fix, to understand. But God is showing me that even the good things I think I need are just temporary pieces. And what really matters—what really lasts—is love.

And it’s not just about receiving love from God (though that’s huge). It’s also about how I carry that love into my relationships.

I thought about some key verses today that helped me let go a little more:

• Jeremiah 31:3 – “I have loved you with an everlasting love.”

→ God’s love doesn’t have an expiration date.

• Psalm 143:8 – “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love.”

→ I want to wake up and trust His love first before I trust my own strength.

• Psalm 130:7 – “Put your hope in the Lord… with him is full redemption.”

→ Even the things that feel broken can be redeemed in His love.

• Psalm 138:2 – “You have exalted above all things your name and your word.”

→ His promises are the most secure thing I can hold onto.

Today, I’m realizing it’s not my job to control the people or outcomes in my life. It’s my role to trust, to love, and to let God lead.

Prayer:

Lord, Thank You for this reminder—that Your love will never fail. Help me not just understand that, but believe it deep down. Let me carry Your love in how I speak, how I listen, how I trust, and how I let go.

I lift up some prayers to You today, knowing that You hear every one:

• For my teleconsultation, give Dr. Golangco wisdom.

• For my own healing, physically and emotionally.

• For my family and I, align every opportunity for school and work according to Your plan.

• For Matt, guide his mind, his heart, and his steps as he begins his college journey. Meet him in every moment.

• For Ate Linda, give her peace and wisdom to seek You first in all things.

• Help me and all of us remember: You are our first helpline, not our last resort.

• Protect us through this season, through this unpredictable weather, and give us wisdom in how to care for ourselves and each other.

• For Kuya Rams, please continue his healing journey.

• Provide strength and provision—for my family, my friends, for every person reading this (if I ever share it), and for me too.

You’re the God of all weather, all seasons, all hearts.

I surrender it all to You again.

Amen.

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry — June 1, 2025

Today, I can finally say I feel... better.

Not perfect. Not invincible. But grounded. Calmer. Lighter.

It's strange, how something as heavy as depression can sneak in so quietly, then stay like an uninvited houseguest who refuses to leave. For weeks (or maybe months?) it blurred everything. Getting out of bed felt like scaling a mountain. I lost interest in what I once loved. Even the simplest tasks seemed impossible. And the worst part was how convincing it all felt—that I'd never get out, that this was just who I was now.

But somehow, something shifted. Maybe it was the medicines. Maybe it was the consistency, taking small steps even when I didn't believe they mattered. Drinking water. Going on short walks. Talking to someone. Being honest about what I was feeling, even when it made me feel raw and exposed. I didn't realize it then, but those small things started adding up.

There were days I slipped. Days I felt the weight come back. But even then, something in me had changed. I didn't believe the lies as strongly, I held on, even if by a thread.

And now I feel it: that spark returning. I laughed—really laughed—the other day. Music moves me again. The world looks a little brighter. I'm dreaming again, cautiously, but dreaming.

I know healing isn't a straight line. I may have hard days again. But I'm learning to meet those days and with gentleness, not shame. I'm learning that pain doesn't mean failure, it just means I'm human.

I'm proud of myself. For surviving. For growing. For coming back to myself.

I'm still here. And for today, that's more than enough.

— shewritesaboutit

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry — May 26, 2025

My brother and I decided to play badminton. I'm happy. This is my sport. After that we went to a coffee shop and talked. We talked about my nephew who's been experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia. I felt sad because he doesn't believe in mental illness. I can't open up to him about what I feel because I worry he'll invalidate me.

But when he shared his experiences—hearing things, seeing "ghosts"—I didn't know what to believe. He said he thinks his third eye was opened. He said it started when he was young. He would dream of people who were about to die, over and over again, until he saw them faceless.

I don't know what to believe. Which is strange because...

After I got discharged from the hospital, I began having hallucinations and delusions too. I smell flowers in my hands. Sometimes I hear someone calling my name, even when I'm alone. I believe my words and thoughts are being broadcast into someone's mind. I believe someone is sending me hidden messages through social media.

I asked my psychiatrist, Dr. Sionzon, if I'm schizophrenic. He said that while experiencing hallucinations and delusions, it doesn't necessarily mean I have schizophrenia.

Still, it makes me wonder—could this be genetic? Is this something that runs in my bloodline, something passed down quietly like a shadow?

The Lord is right. The children will suffer.

I tried not to think like that, but some days I feel like I'm carrying something too big for me. Like I'm haunted, not just by symptoms, but by silence. No one in the family really talks about mental illness. We use words like "spiritual", "sensitive", "chosen"—but never "unwell". Never "hurt". Never "afraid".

There's a loneliness in that. A feeling like I'm floating between two worlds—one that doesn't believe me, and one I can't fully understand.

I want to get better. I want to know what's real and what isn't. I want peace.

But for now, I'll keep writing. I'll keep trying to find language for things I don't know how to say out loud.

Maybe one day, this will all make sense.

— shewritesaboutit

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry — May 24, 2025

Some days, I don't recognize myself anymore.

The mirror shows someone pale, tired with hollow eyes, and a body that doesn't feel like mine. I used to be someone with plans, goals, energy. Now, I'm someone with appointments, scans, medications, and fear. Constant fear.

Cancer.

That word used to feel distant—something that happened to other people. Now it's in my blood, my flesh, my days. And it's not just the disease that hurts. It's everything it's taken. My strength. My independence. My joy.

I'm so tired. Not just tired from the treatments, or the nausea or the endless waiting rooms—but tired in my soul. Like something inside me is flickering and I'm trying desperately to protect the flame, but the wind keeps coming.

I feel like I'm failing the people who love me. They look at me with so much hope and I can't match it. I'm too numb, too broken, too afraid. They say things like "stay strong" and "you're a fighter", but what if I don't want to fight anymore? What if I just want to stop pretending I'm okay?

Depression has wrapped itself around my diagnosis like a second disease. One eats at my body, the other at my will to keep going. I feel like I'm slowly disappearing—piece by piece—and no one really sees the whole picture, just fragments.

Sometimes I ask God why He's letting this happen. What lesson is there in this pain? What purpose is there in suffering like this? And the silence I get back... it's loud.

I'm writing this because I don't know what else to do. I don't want to spiral. I don't want to give up. But I also don't want to lie and say I'm okay.

I'm not okay. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm hurting.

— shewritesaboutit

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry — May 29, 2025

It's been a week since I took the pills.

It felt like I was becoming a burden to my parents. I see the worry in their eyes, the exhaustion in their voice—and it breaks me. I hate that I can't study or work like others my age. I hate that my body and mind won't cooperate. It's like I'm trapped in a life that keeps asking more from me that I have to give.

My sickness isn't just in my body—It's in my thoughts, my emotions, my soul. Some days I feel I'm made of glass, and the world is throwing stones. Everything hurts. And I keep asking, Lord... why?

Why are You letting this happen?

Why can't I just live a normal life—wake up without dread, smile without faking it, breathe without the weight on my chest?

I try to pray, but the words feels empty.

I try to hope, but it feels foolish.

And yet... there's still this small ache in me that doesn't want to give up completely. Maybe It's You. Maybe it's the part of me that still believes there's something worth living for, even if I can't see ut right now.

I'm tired, Lord. So tired.

But still I'm here.

Please—help me see a reason for that.

— shewritesaboutit

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Work in Progress

[itsshewritesaboutit]

"URIEL"

[itsshewritesaboutit]

Journal Entry  — ONE CALL, ENDLESS COMFORT

Today felt heavy.

I woke up in this cold hospital room again — the same beeping, the same sterile air, the same ceiling tiles I’ve counted many times. The nurses are kind, but nothing replaces the comfort of home. And more than anything, I miss her. My sweet Raya.

Around 3 PM, I finally got to video call with her. My mom helped set it up. As soon as Raya's fluffy face popped up on the screen, tail wagging and eyes wide like she understood everything, I couldn’t hold back the tears.

She tilted her head like she was trying to figure out where I was. I kept saying, “Hi baby, ate misses you,” over and over. Her ears perked every time I said her name. It broke and healed my heart at the same time. I told her to be a good girl, to eat her food, and that I’ll be home soon — even if I’m not sure when that will be.

It’s strange how a dog can make you feel more human than anything else. Just seeing her reminded me why I need to keep going. She doesn’t care what machines I’m hooked to or how pale I look — she just knows I’m hers, and that’s enough.

If love could heal, I’d already be home.

Missing you always, — Ate Reem