The STRUGGLE.
Hi. Im whitney.. and this is my story.
Now that I look back on things I notice that i've been exhibiting gay tendencies since like the 1st grade. As a little girl all of my closest friends were boys. Naturally they would chase girls around and whatnot during recess.. and I'd be right there along with them. Teasing girls.
Ok, now jump forward about 12 years. After graduating from hs I ended up going to this all girls college to play basketball. It was there when I really started to notice my attraction for girls. (basically because nearly everyone at the school was gay) It little to no time I had actually ended up making out with one of my close friends. That was the first time I kissed a girl. From then on out it was like full throttle. We had this other friend, Jen.. she was the first girl I fantasized about. Like I actually fantasized about being in a relationship with this chic. That was the biggest red flag ever. I'd find myself trying to get my friends sauced just so we could make out. For some reason kissing girls just felt better than kissing guys. I was more comfortable & have a higher feeling of control which I enjoyed. Simply put.
I began to grow extremely close to my closest friend at the time. Kind of possesive in a way. I wanted to be around her 25/8. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to make her smile. I wanted her to be comfortable. I enjoyed every inch of her presence. The only fucked up thing was that the feelings weren't mutual. ..this chic was as straight as a ruler. And she still is. She wanted to be friends and only friends. So we were.
I have trouble with executing myself. I can want a girl so bad but the fact of admitting that I like girls embarrasses me. Im like the shy kid who can't look a girl in the eye. A couple of months later I actually ended up coming out to my friends at college. Of course they were accepting because most of them were already gay. I probably shouldnt have done that though. It was too soon. I didn't really know if I liked women yet. There wasn't enough evidence. But I did. ..maybe it was the heavy influence. I don't know. Anywho, I'd always seem to find something wrong with every girl that wanted to talk to me. Either they weren't pretty enough or they couldn't dress the par or something. There was always an excuse. At this point I still wanted my best friend (the straight one). She sometimes led me on and that drove me crazy. I wanted her and she knew it.
Okay fast forward a year and a half. I ended up lusting over my bf for the remainder of my freshman yr and half of my sophomore year. Then I kind of cooled out with the whole liking girls thing for a few months. That's until I transferred to my new school and saw this beautiful ass chic. She was wearing basketball clothes when i met her so i immediately suspected that she may be gay. I ended up getting kind of stalker-ish and finding her name and then looking her up on our school website. Low and behold, she was a stud. I was ecstatic to say the least.
The beautiful chic never really went anywhere though. I mean we flirted a couple of times but that was it. As a matter of fact I ended up lusting over her for a couple of months and then actually getting to know her. Now we're pretty good friends and I cant even see my nigga in that type of way.
Okay fast forward like 4 or 5 months. She's kinda like a poster child kid. Always doing the right thing & shit. ..well besides smoking weed, getting sauced, and turning the fuck up. This chic was different though. Instead of me lusting for her, she flirted with me. In fact, her flirting is what made me lust for her. She's also courteous and really outgoing. (she likes to be the center of attn though.. thats her only downfall) So I somehow ended up going on like a 5 day trip with her and a couple of other people. These were the signs she threw: 1) she asked me to cuddle. 2) she danced on me. 3) she passed out in my lap.. 4) I kinda sorta think she told this guy I might be interested in a 3 some. 5) there were 3 of us in one bed. she slept next to me every night. 6) she offered to motor boat my boobs.
Now I know for a fact that she likes guys, but im thinking that she may be a little more than bi curious. Im definitely trying to find out though. I just need a little extra courage... well, A LOT of extra courage. Any advice?