I have been a Hanson fan since i was 9 years old. 1997 when i first heard MMMBop on MTV I was hooked. Middle of Nowhere took me down a rabbit hole of music and Tulsa, Tokyo, and the Middle of Nowhere let me go around the world with my new favorite band.
To me, liking Hanson was nothing out of the ordinary, but to the outside that wasn't the case.
"Eww black people aren't supposed to listen to Hanson."
"You're going to a Hanson concert? Have you looked in the mirror?"
"Did you forget you're black?"
Oh yeah, that part. I was black. The amount of bullying i endured for just listening to their music was almost expected, i just never thought it would be magnified because of my race. I wore a Hanson tshirt to school only ONE time my entire life - it was the last day of school in the 6th grade. I didn't understand the attention until a friend said to me, "Well come on. I mean you ARE black.." i went to the girl's bathroom and cried, turned my shirt inside out and wore it that way for the rest of the day.
Once i was old enough to go to shows it was something else. It was fun, exciting, and thrilling even. However I had to learn how to be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with the comments I'd hear ("she looks like she belongs at a snoop dogg show" - Underneath Tour Chicago 2006), uncomfortable with the way event staff treated me because i look so out of place, uncomfortable with the stank eyes, side eyes, and glares, uncomfortable listening to the way fans talk about the black lady in the House of Blues bathroom - she's my people! That's somebody's grandmaw!
I saw a quote today that said, "Racism is so American that people think protesting racism means protesting America." I understand people refrain from getting into any political talk because it's a sensitive topic and well, that's your personal right.
But racism isn't political.
I was born with this skin. And i have a better chance at dying, failing, and suffering because of it.
Black Lives Matter. How can you love the culture and not the people? That's hypocrisy. The foundation of rock and roll and gospel is rooted in songs of slavery.
When i stand for 12 hours to be in the 2nd bar balcony at a show and i still have the energy to jump and dance and scream, it's because the music has touched my soul so deep that i catch that spirit. To stand there and say i love my band and my band loves me.
But now i ask myself, do they REALLY love me? Or do they love what my people brought to the music industry so that they could thrive?
These past two weeks have been emotionally exhausting so i turned to the music of the band that's brought me comfort all these years. I check their social media pages for further comfort, but aside from the NASA launch there was silence.
And it took us, the black fans, (and some pretty pissed off white ones) to get Hanson to finally step out into the world to say something. A very generic, dry, bullshit something. How can a band profit off the images of poor African children yet can't find the courage to tell their black fans that their lives matter? Do they know what it's like for us? For their friends Dimitrius and Will? Do they care?
At this point, i don't know. As a black woman I've felt so much pain these past 2 weeks i don't think i even have any room for more grief. Will I go on listening to Hanson? Most likely yes. Will it sound the same? No.
All those years of pain and bullying and awkwardness and being the only black girl, the token black girl, the girl willing to be brave enough to be out of place and black in white scenery... for my favorite band to refuse to say that any of that matters.
That hurts. That really, really fucking hurts.