@iuvuy - Tumblr Blog

my love for you has almost reached its silence

what will become of me when i do not succeed?

i feel as though, mentally, i'm always in a state of holding my breath. i cannot seem to figure out whether inhaling or exhaling next is more important, so i sputter and choke on the situations i do not try to process

i preach communication, yet i wither away, hiding in the confinements of my mind

#letter part 3

will i stick around long enough for my body to be drained of the warmth i crave from you?

#also part of the letter

the lights are off, nobody can see me, and yet i still refuse to see myself. it's just me and this notebook, you won't see this, and yet this page won't ever feel the touch of truth, only the touch of the ink that i force upon it.

#I initially wrote this in a letter #for context #im aware that typing this out isnt a notebook #idk if this makes sense without the context of the whole letter

you fear spiders, i see it in your room - the spider on your desk locked within its tomb. the glass jar encases it, yet you do not set it free, too kind to kill it but too cruel to let it leave. you decide its fate, but oh so fatefully, it remains there with so little air to breathe. i do not fear spiders - i fear the spider is me. you fear where we we're going, what we could have been. you keep me here, i remain waiting. too kind to kill me but too cruel to set me free. do you fear spiders or do you fear me? i fear that we will not progress - that you will suffocate me.

do we all pretend to be normal, or is it just that i am inherently messed up? are there parts of all of us that never break daylight, or am i hiding my sorrows like the monster i believe that they make me out to be?

was i too late? i've been here from the start - this waiting game, was i too late? i thought that in the time i spent waiting that you'd come around, did you use that time to get over it instead? was i too late? i'm still here waiting. i'm still where we used to be; but now, as i look at you i realise, i don't think you're waiting anymore. was i too late?

i want to unravel you, to learn your soul deeply. learn your pain, your fear, and that's when we'll "meet". i wish to know you, connect beyond the surface - as the glint in your eye tells me that there's more to it.

your expressionless exterior shields nothing from me, that in itself tells me part of your story. but that's okay, i'm not breaking in, but let me wear your armour, feel the weight on my own feet.

i'm not saying "let your guard down," but let these two guards meet. we could tell each other stories of how this came to be. i'm not saying, "take your shield down, and let me see, all of the reasons you built it up so strong initially"

but i hope one day you'll realise you've found another shield in me.

i crave my mother's embrace, like craving heat from a roaring flame. an embrace, so crushing it would scorch my skin. the roaring of the flame so similar to the roaring of my mothers voice that they both leave their remains, their scars, deep beneath the surface of my skin

#mother #eldest daughter #daughter

it's in my nature to embrace. let's embrace despite the fact that you're not good for me. every being needs a little warmth. let's embrace despite the fact that the only warmth i provide for you is as i bleed onto you. let's embrace despite the fact that i feel your daggers pierce me with every slight touch. let's embrace - even blood is warm.

#lmao #idek #bit sad innit #brain dump

i know that i could get over it. however, in loving you, i'm terrified. what if in 20 years down the line, i am successful without you? i will get over it, but - what if i live out my dreams in the shadow of the life we could've created? the life i had imagined for us? i could get over it, but what if i don't?

#quotes #love #delusion #stupid #AHHHH #breakdown