I like that Tang @ivanatang - Tumblr Blog

I feel more incompetent right now than I've ever felt in my life. I feel lost, exhausted, stressed. I feel like I've lost control. I feel this thing that I once loved has sucked every last ounce of joy from my life. Everything that once made me happy, gave meaning to my life, gave me personality - gone. In its place, an empty promise of possible future success and money. Who am I anymore other than pharmacy?

To have loved and lost

It’s a bitter neutral feeling when losing a family member that was close by blood, but distant by relationship. That along with other recent events have me thinking though, maybe the feelings of sadness after a loss is a blessing in its own rights. The fact that you have negative feelings knowing that a loved one is very ill means that you had a close enough relationship for you to worry and care. Your tears and stress are a representation of all the joy and love they brought into your life. The emptiness felt when they leave is the result of the fullness your life had when they were around. With that mindset, I think my tears are worth it. I’m happy to be able to cry these tears because I know what I had and it makes me so much more grateful for everything I still have. It’s a reminder that all things (good/bad) must come to an end. You can be sad its gone, but be happy it happened. And while it’s happening, make the most of it. Love recklessly.

Also: adding one more thing to the new years resolution - I wanna start taking more videos of the people I love so that even if they weren’t around it’ll still feel like they were.

Welcome back to my tumblr.

Lots has happened in the last few months, and it’s made me seriously rethink my priorities. I spent the last 2 years completely focused on school and neglecting most other aspects of my life (friends, family, health). Would I say it’s worth it? - maybe, I’m a straight A student with jobs lining up for me. But on the flip side, my health (mental and physical) has been deteriorating - ironic to be a future health care provider living in a body that functions like its 40 years old. My serious wake up call came from recent loss in the family and health scare within the family. (yes. it’s been a heck of a week) Either way, I did something that may have been unthinkable for me just a few months ago. I decided to come out for CNY dinner despite having a midterm tomorrow. Maybe this is me defending my decision, but I want to say I regret nothing. If that means I lose a few extra marks tomorrow, then so be it. With everything happening who knows how many more family dinners we’ll be able to have, and I’m not wasting any more time.

Dreams do come true!

It’s been five years coming, got rejected twice, but still kept pushing. All these years, I’ve seen so many extremely bright students get into pharmacy school. I’d look at them, and then I’d look at myself, and I’d say, “no way, I’ll never be good enough.”

When deciding on an undergrad program, I had the choice to become a nurse, or go into straight life sciences to potentially get into pharmacy school. I chose the latter. After having been rejected twice, pharmacy school felt so out of reach for me. Finding a job in the life sciences seemed impossible because of how general the program was. I regretted going down the life sciences path as opposed to nursing. I had reached for the moon, but there were no stars to fall back on.

Who would have thought, the fear of falling to my death pushed me even harder to apply one last time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still average/ below average me. I do feel like I scammed my way into pharmacy school. Honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything had it not been for the handful of wonderful people. They were the clouds that lifted me up to the moon and all I had to do was lie there.

Words of encouragement? If someone as average as I am got into pharmacy school, I promise you’ll get where you want to be too.

So what now? I realized I’m never going to have a summer again, so I’m just enjoying my last months off. Hopefully when the whole covid thing settles down, I’ll be able to go on a vacation. Then it’s go go go from there!

I never said I was going to post good content.

When you set out to buy 1 donut and ended up with 13

Maturity is a social construct. And it sucks.

I think we’ve all heard the phrase “Be more mature!” or for me personally, “Would you like to go back and sit with the kindergarteners if you keep acting this way?”

Stupid. So stupid. The truth of the matter is, we have the next 70 years to be mature, why are you telling me to stop being a child? So you can control me better? So you can force me to sit at a desk all day and read? You don’t think I’ll be doing that for the rest of my life?

Why are we depleting our children of their child-like creativity and spark? Oftentimes it’s the “good” child is the one who listens to instruction. (And what’s with that anyway? “Good” child?)

“Maturity”, although looked upon as a virtue in childhood, begins to depreciate into adulthood. All of a sudden, having a childlike soul is great.

SO WHICH ONE IS IT SOCIETY? Do you want me to be mature or be childlike? Pick one.

Spaghetti Alfredo!!

Not the normal type of content I do, but just experimenting ;)

Home made taco bowl!!

1. Mix cooked rice with tomato sauce, use this as a base

2. Sweat half an onion and cook with 1/2 lb beef and 1 can of beans, season with taco seasoning (recipe attached). Layer on top of rice.

3. Layer cheese on top of beef and rice and microwave for 30 seconds until melted.

4. Add chopped garlic to pan used to cook beef, sautée for a few minutes and deglaze with white wine. Sautée kale in pan and add as topping.

5. Add other toppings as desired. (I added cooked kale, 1/2 raw onion, canned corn, salsa, mayo and siracha)

Taco Seasoning:

Take from: https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/46653/taco-seasoning-i/

Chili powder, cumin, paprika, and a few other easy-to-find spices make up this taco mix recipe. Cheaper than packaged versions!

PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN:

I have solved the problem- what came first? The chicken or the egg?

According to evolution, the egg came first

Basically, the dinosaur laid the egg that became a chicken.

Now please excuse me while I write a master’s thesis on this.

It’s been a rough week and it’s only Wednesday.

I’m not very confident in how my interview last Saturday went. In fact, I’ve been replaying it over and over again in my head. I almost feel like it’s gotten to an obsessive state. I know it’s unhealthy, but everytime anything pharmacy related, or interview related comes up it just sends me right down that dark hole again.

I tell myself it’s like getting over a break up. Something traumatic happened to me last Saturday, and I just have to heal. At the moment it seems impossible not to think about it, but I have faith that I’ll heal and move on with my life.

I can’t lie though, in the mean time it just feels like shit. I keep thinking if there’s anything else I could have said or done differently. I’ve been replaying the whole situation in my head to see if I made any major errors. Of course the more I think, the more anxious I get.

I’m trying to think positively, but this just means so much to me, it does feel like my world’s ending if I don’t get it this year. I guess thinking that I did very poorly would also prepare myself if I don’t end up getting in - so it’s not the worst thing either.

I guess at the end of the day, it makes me anxious to think there’s absolutely nothing else I can do at the moment regarding my pharmacy school admission. Of course the logic result from that train of thought is: then why worry about it?

The answer to that question: just cause you tell me not to be anxious doesn’t mean I can just turn my anxiety off.

(Also, my apologies for such a downer of a post- but let’s be honest, just scroll down and you would’ve seen it coming)

Who would have thought something so simple could look so pretty?

I have an exam in 3 days

My name is now, “your average quarantine food blogger”

Recipe courtesy of https://www.food.com/recipe/best-banana-bread-2886#activity-feed

You'll never need another banana bread recipe ever again!

What a week!

Finished my 20 page thesis, finished my 35 page report, followed by another 10 page case analysis. Most significantly, though, I GOT AN INTERVIEW FOR THE CAREER OF MY DREAMS. OH MY GOSH.

I still can’t believe, I’ve been rejected twice now and third time’s the charm I guess. I’ve been trying so hard to contain my excitement and I just couldn’t. This is something I’ve been working towards for the last 5 years of my life and for the first time, my dream job actually seems plausible. I’ve just gotta ace this interview... still another BIG hurdle to go.

It’s been 2 days since the news, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to prepare yet, but I’m preparing. I’ve been reflecting on who I am as a person and what pharmacy means to me.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to put into words just how badly I want this, and how would I convey this to the interviewer without sounding desperate? I don’t know yet.

It’s going to be rough though. I can just feel it. It’s this constant, so close yet so far feeling. I feel like I’ve made a HUGE achievement already, but it’s still not big enough. I’m a nervous wreck. I decided I needed to go back to my parents house for a bit because I feel this attacking my mental health. Pharmacy school is all I can think about now, non-stop.

:)

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