Emerald Nicole @iwantsomethingbadforme - Tumblr Blog

Timely update

It's so weird logging back into this old account. Seeing posts I haven't thought about in years.

First, I must say, my little two/three month stunt of dating a boy was crazyyyy. It's wild to look back and realize that I just wanted to feel loved so bad it didn't matter who it came from.

I'm glad to not be in that type of place anymore. In the simplest of terms; I'm married, living in a place I love with a cat and dog - life is simple. I don't have a job, but hopefully that changes soon.

The biggest change would be the people I surround myself with. I am very lucky to feel loved by my friends and wife all the time; feeling unloved is never a worry. That's about the best update I can give.

The way time passes.

Logging into this old account and going through all my tumblrs dedicated to different things has changed me.

Reflecting on my relationship with Bri, the heartbreak of Miraida, and the back and forth with India is so eye opening.

Every time I go through a break up, there's a part of me that always thinks it's the same.

This time felt different.

I really felt like I would be a little bit sad for the rest of my life.

But on the other hand, this is the healthiest I've ever been post break up.

I’m not self harming. I am not spiraling. I am not so depressed that I can’t eat. Im still existing day to day, which I didn't really think was possible.

In the last week, Ive taken time to realize all the little parts of myself that I compromised. Wanting Kids, Wanting a proposal, wanting marriage, talking without stressing that I was too “loud”.

Figuring out my feelings has been the hardest part about this whole situation. Struggling with my self worth to the point, that I even thought I could excuse cheating AGAIN, is hard to accept. I think its hard to know that I loved someone for almost 5 years, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with them, and they so easily cheated on me with no remorse, no regret. That shit sucks..

And for a while, I was nothing other than sad. But once I took a step back, it was really easy to know that I want to be with someone who wouldn't cheat on me. That wouldn't even put themselves in a situation to cheat on me, AND lie about it. The truth is, not cheating on someone is VERY easy.

I think I also spent a lot of time in the last 5 years, wanting to fit a mold that was worthy of Bo’s love.

That's something that has added to the complexity of my emotions this last month.

When I am with Jerod, I am authentically myself. He literally met me when I was 16. I think at the core of it, that makes such a difference. We were friends, and he met me as an adult when I was fully in love with someone else.

He’s never once tried to change my idea of something or mold who I am. He loves me so gently, and also he loves me as myself. As my heart broken, struggling with her identity, struggles to take her meds everyday, self. Every day I have to remind myself that maybe I do deserve to be loved in such an authentic way, maybe I do deserve to be a passenger princess, maybe I do deserve to just be - with no expectations. I’ve always wanted to be with someone who I can so obviously know that they love me no questions asked, and when I think about the fact that Jerod makes sure to tell me he loves me every time he calls me, its a reminder that a love like that can exist.

Truthfully, I don't know what Im doing with my life. I don't know when this house will be sold. Where I'll be living. What my job will be. And what the future holds for Jerod and I, and me and/or anyone else.

But I do know that I deserve to be loved in an authentic and true way. That I want to be loved in a way that whomever Im with couldn't fathom cheating on me, and doesn't struggle to admit that I'm important to them. I want to be with someone who wants to build a life together, and isn't scared to make that a reality.

I have no where else to post this but I saw it and immediately was like OH MY GOD.

I’ve been thinking about India lately.

She’s been coming to me in dreams.

Her mom replied to my Facebook post and told me she loved and missed me.

It’s crazy, I’m 27. 10 years ago I was in love with someone who doesn’t really exist anymore. And now I’m in love with someone who I didn’t even knowww existed back then.

Time always throws me. It’s a top trigger for me disassociating. But right now it’s nice. Just thinking back of what use to be, what is, how everything always changes.

I’ll always think of India and want the best for her. And maybe somewhere, some day. She hopes the same for me.

Everyday.

I actively choose bo.

I can’t wait to choose them for the rest of my life.

Happy National Puppy Day, to the only ones that matter (to me) *Olive Mae* and *Baloo Berry* Thank you Olive for being the greatest love of my life. No dog is as perfect as you, no dog loves the way you do, and no dog was made for me, the way you were. I love you forever and always and miss you every second. Baloo Berry, thank you for loving me despite how hard it is to love you. Thank you for not getting upset when I compare you to Olive. Thank you for being understanding and adventurous. No dog is as handsome and as annoying at the same time. Thank you for proving to me that loving you, doesn’t mean I love anyone else less. #nationalpuppyday #olivemae #balooberry https://www.instagram.com/p/BvXLizchwylBO0OjvFMHoBCibpMHukVUwf5wD80/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1og9aj0znqmpm

#nationalpuppyday #olivemae #balooberry

Incase you were wondering how much I love Phoenix, Arizona. #thevanburenphx #themaine #dayone #8123fest 📸: @xicanx_boi (at Phoenix, Arizona) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsznfxphbYhf9UwFFPp18ZSFjeakMZQpymdFfA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=b9sdxh8utgst

#thevanburenphx #themaine #dayone #8123fest

Literally the sweetest thing and everything I wanted for my birthday.

Literally all weekend, no matter where I’m sitting, Olive has laid behind me with her head on my lap. (It’s the cutest on the couch)

I think someone’s missed me. And boy have I missed her.

I had the worst luck this weekend, but the best luck today. #helloadulthood https://www.instagram.com/p/BsZgSOShUq-wl5miyuKm1XqApfC6F8mkj_uTTc0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=zw0z3b99d0rd

#helloadulthood

A year ago today when reflecting on 2017 I took time to focus on what I lost, and the little victories within it- the main one was making it out alive. As I reflect on the ending of 2018, I think of the song lyrics “Without the low there ain't a high”. 2018 came after the worst year of my life, but was definitely the best year of my life. There was so much growth. It felt a million years long, but within that time I - started my career, got in a long term stable relationship, got my own apartment, took my self to Disney Land, saw the bands/artist that played a key role in saving my life, went on road trips, only put effort in people who reciprocated that effort, I loved hard, I worked hard, I got new tattoos, new piercings, and was happy to be alive for all of it. At the end of the day, this was my year of growth, discovery, and strength. I’m speaking only good things into existence for 2019. And I can’t wait. https://www.instagram.com/p/BsEAXswBI0ISc7k-e0CasbMrlWXY-BH7TtBcjM0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1refe2z5voloo

thisisthinprivilege

I work at a daycare with infants.

One of our baby girls is fat, in the 99th percentile for her age. She is super cute and sweet. Lately, she has been sick with various breathing issues, so she has been reluctant to take her bottles. Normally, she’ll take 4 ounces of formula at lunch and 8 ounces in the afternoon. Today, I was lucky to get to her take 5 all day.

There was a substitute covering a lunch break in my classroom today. We emphasized to her that we need to keep trying to get the baby to drink her bottle until she finished it. She said, “Why are you guys so worried about taking her bottle?”

My coworker replied, “That’s where all her nutrients are. She needs the nutrients and the water.”

To which the substitute replied, “But she’s so fat. She doesn’t need it.”

Thin privilege is a small, pretty baby getting better childcare because the caretaker doesn’t think she’s too fat to be allowed to eat.

thecrazygeek-rant

This reminds me of a cousin of mine who ended up with her kids being taken away from her by social services for a number of reasons but mostly for nearly killing her baby daughter. How?

By starving her. She insisted that her baby was ‘too fat’ and had an aim to remove any and all ‘chubbyness’ so her baby would be thin. She’d already been warned by her doctor about the baby not getting enough food, but insisted she knew best.

After several months of this her baby passed out cold one day and was rushed into hospital where the doctors found her to have severe malnutrition, a low body temperature and low pulse rate. They asked my cousin what she’d been feeding her daughter and she said “one bottle of skimmed milk a day. I don’t want her growing up fat.”

Even after nearly killing her daughter my cousin maintained her view that fat = bad and ended up with all her kids taken from her because she was starving them and neglecting them.

When your fatphobia leads you to starving your own children then you’ve got serious problems.

(Note. She still, to this day, maintains the view that she was right and the doctors were wrong. “They just want fat kids so they can keep employed treating them for all those diseases that being fat causes.” = her actual words.)

sinthiasweet

My mom had me dieting with her when I was eleven. She had me eating less than 600 calories a day because she was worried I was going to “get huge.” She even grounded me once because she found out my friends were bringing me lunches! I ended up passing out, going to the ER, and getting two IVs at once BC I was so goddamn dehydrated. Soooooo surprised they didn’t call child services… And looking back, this was the root of my anorexia. I’m nearly 22 and still fighting it. Please don’t starve your fucking children.

viergacht

For fucks sake babies are SUPPOSED to be fat, what is wrong with people? It’s just stored energy, and growing children need stored energy - an 11 year old is just about to hit some major growing years. Damn.

fattyatomicmutant-deactivated20

Fatphobia

Real

and it kills

mexicanxthighs-deactivated20190

This is no joke. people will literally starve their own babies cause they don’t want them getting fat. A parent brought in their six month old baby who was having breathing issues and kept getting sick. the parent was asked if the baby was eating regularly and the parent straight up told the doctor that they only feed the baby once a day. ONCE A DAY. A FUCKING BABY. they even had the nerve to say because they didn’t want the baby to get fat. people like this are real. they would rather have a dead baby than a fat one.

bigfatscience

My youngest son is a very big boy and has been since he was born. When he was 10 months old I took him for his well-baby check and vaccinations. The nurse noted his weight and said, quite casually, “He is in the 99th percentile for weight so he is at risk for obesity. You may want to keep an eye on that.” I said, “He is exclusively breastfed. He refuses to eat any solids yet.” What did she expect me to do? What would it mean to “keep an eye on” an exclusively breastfed baby’s weight?

She backed off saying, ‘Well he looks fine!” – proving once again that weight bias is not truly about health – But I know many other parents who are not as informed as I am about weight science and size diversity would react to this interaction by policing their child’s food intake, if not as an infant, then when he was an older child. This is exactly the type of seemingly-inconsequential interaction that starts the ball rolling on a lifetime of dieting, disordered eating, negative body image, and weight-based abuse for too many fat people.

Years later when he was five, another doctor measured his weight and height and commented that he is off the charts on both, but “at least he is in proportion.” And if he was not “in proportion,” I am sure I would have been advised once again to “watch his weight.”

I no longer allow healthcare providers to weight my children unless it is absolutely medically necessary. They are unable to control their weight talk, which is a known harm for children.

We need to completely eliminate weight talk from medicine, especially when it comes to children. Even the smallest exposure can have terrible consequences.

loverofbrownsugar

Wtf…

mainstreamqueen-deactivated2020

A friend from college had been going to the doctor because she was having trouble breathing. She was told to lose weight. Over the course of several years, she went back to the doctors time and time again, telling them that she’d been sticking to the diet but because of her breathing problems she had been unable to even walk for more than 20 minutes at a time. The doctor got her into an exercise programme and told her that she just needed to really try to lose weight because that was clearly the reason for her breathing problems. By the time they found the tumour on her lungs, it was inoperable. She only lived three months after diagnosis. She was 25. She’d had the tumour for over five years. The doctor was so focused on the fact that my friend was “fat”, that they refused to look for any underlying cause. They killed her.

thisisthinprivilege

Weight-first treatment KILLS. Fatphobia KILLS.

lady-yomi-deactivated20171102

I have 2 scary stories to share about fatphobic doctors & parents harming their childs/patients’ health:

1. The 4 years old daughter of a friend of mine came to our house to spend the weekend. She gave me a letter from her mom that said that the child was in a glutenfree diet because she was getting ‘awfully fat’ when eating cookies or bread (my celiac ass; who gets dhiarrea and loses a scary amount of weight whenever I eat something with gluten was like ’???’).

You can bet that I went to the supermarket with the kid and told her ‘go & take whatever you feel like eating’ and the poor child came back smiling with her arms full of biscuits and cupcakes.

She didn’t got sick (as a celiac would get) and told me later that she hated the diet her mother made her follow; because her cousins didn’t had to pass through that.

And what’s the scariest thing about this story? Her mother was a NURSE. A fucking nurse who didn’t have a clue of the harm that she was doing to her daughter’s body!

2. My little sister started to feel fatigued and dizzy at 9 years old. She felt nauseated at the sight of food and had abdominal pain that increased with physical activity.

Mom got her to the ER and the doctor dismissed it saying: ‘she’s fat and probably is feeling ill after eating too much burgers, get her to make some exercise and she will be better in no time’.My mom didn’t felt ok with the diagnosis and took my sister with a second doctor who also told her that ‘the child was just fat’.

My sister’s skin was starting to get yellow as the days passed and the abdominal pain was getting awful so my mom (heaven bless her!) got her to the ER for the third time:

SHE HAD STAGE 4 HEPATITIS AND WAS ABOUT TO DIE.

She survived after a long and painful recovery who involved being in bed for a whole year (remember that we’re speaking of a 9 years old child). Luckily they saved her liver and she didn’t went through a transplant… but let this sink:

If it weren’t for my mother, fatphobia would have killed her. Fatphobia kills kids and teenagers, fatphobia kills inocent people everyday. It treats human beings as lesser than others and hurts them in their most vulnerable times.

It’s a real shame that we all have so much stories to share about this issue. A REAL SHAME.

agreekdoctor

Future doctors, interns, and residents following me:

FUCKING TAKE NOTE OF THIS!

Don’t let bias against your fat patients kill them!

clatterbane

(#and this is just when we actually go to the doctor and tell them we have problems #how many of us just give up #or won’t mention anything that seems like too much of a ‘fat’ problem)