iwfh.

[iwfh]

Hello. Been a while, I know. Had some fun this year – said goodbye to lots of people then started a new job and said hello to lots more people. (Idk why I didn't do this years ago. But then, there's always a right time.)

I've met almost everyone here, except a handful (of over a hundred). Quite a few I've got to know very well. And even of those I haven't met, I've said hello or something. But there's one I haven't spoken to. And who hasn't spoken to me. And each day we're making eye contact. It feels like the day is getting closer. No idea what I'll say – hopefully play it cool and be normal, not try too hard, etc.

I walked out into the lobby earlier and he was standing right there. I freaked out for a second and went behind to the bar and poured myself a glass of water (as though intentional). Fuck knows what he thinks – if I'm looking at him a weird amount or accidentally following him around. I'm not, really. Anticipating a hello, maybe?

[iwfh]

This whole set is awesome. So much thought and care and creativity across the audio and visuals. What a hero.

Porter Robinson

[iwfh]

No days off. Let's fucking go. As much as you're enjoying going heavy af on the social / alcohol the past few weeks, you wouldn't mind having that one person that gets as chaotic as you. Great doing stuff together with a group, but fucking beautiful when it's just the two of you. Spontaneity is everything. None of you know what's coming next – except that you'll both be down for it.

Whether it's making a stupid Spotify playlist about rain (because it's raining) or getting drunk with friends and ending up sat at the train station just the two of you accidentally holding hands while sharing your last beer. Probably chatting shit, but honestly. Sincerely. Like you're in a delicate scene in a short film where it's totally silent and everything you say is the most meaningful thing in the world. So close. So open. No holding back. No days off.

Labour of love – by Giampaolo Sgura for Man About Town

[iwfh]

Die Stropers / The Harvesters (2018)

This was a brilliant watch – beautifully presented, it explores some really difficult stuff. I often judge a film on whether I don't want it to end yet – this was no exception. Great stuff.

Can't be rented in the UK, so here's a link to an English subs version.

[iwfh]

Before:

This is kinda it. The next hour. It's 12:09pm and I've prepared everything I'd like to say – multiple streams. If we chat, it will either be beautiful and honest and we'll be friends again, or it will be a sad end to a beautiful 1.5 years. If we don't chat, it will just be sad.

High emotions. High hopes. Let's go.

After:

Thank fuck, he's good. Breathe. Awkward and rushed at times, we sort of talked properly. We're cool, he said. It's not all lost. I'd like to talk about it again soon, I'd like to know why things changed and why he was so different over the past 3-4 weeks, but right now I'm relieved that we spoke normally and laughed and smiled. And we said we'll talk normally again. And we texted more after. And just like that I felt my whole mood and spirit rise a bit – like, "now that's sorted, I can think about other/real things again". Probably early steps, but feels MUCH better.

Relief. Let's go.

[iwfh]

Two brothers who just keep going. Left home over 44 years ago, they saw some incredible things and have made a huge amount of people smile. They've been on their own for so long now, in very different directions. But they keep going. And they still call back home.

I love to check in on them sometimes

[iwfh]

When I fall, I fall hard

When I love, I love hard

[iwfh]

Pretty face for the feed. That’s all.

Adrien Sahores.

[iwfh]

Apathy.

Probably the ongoing lockdown and lack of human contact – and the relatively unhealthy, incredibly sedentary holiday season – but I’m really struggling to care right now.

I have plenty of things on the to-do list, some enjoyable and some mundane, but I get excited about / pour days of my time into Minecraft and TikTok. I guess I’m still learning, but I’m hugely weighed down by the feeling of not getting anywhere.

Where I’d usually drag myself out of a hangover to play weekend football, or organise my days of coffee around evening training, I now don’t want to walk around the block to get some fresh air. My skin has got a bit bad and I chipped a tooth and haven’t fixed it.

I’ve stopped posting to social media completely. I love Instagram Stories, but I have no motivation to share any emotion or opinion or transient life update.

I’m even repeating sentence structures in every paragraph. Jeez.

I feel like I need something / am waiting for something.

I want to jump in the sea with a board, paddle out beyond the waves and just sit there watching the world for a while. I want a beer in a pub with friends and uninhibited contact. I want to fix my appearance, find a new job, brush up on a few specialist skills. Actually, there are a load of things I want. Maybe not so apathetic after all. Maybe just struggling slightly. OK, thanks

Photo: Tim Marshall

[lovesimon-gifs]

[iwfh]

A bit late, but I just watched Love, Victor – started easy, couldn’t stop until I’d watched all ten episodes in one night. Gorgeous series to watch.

Ten episodes available here.

Honestly, Michael Cimino’s eyes are everything.

—

[iwfh]

That very last shot of the final scene where he’s nodding and telling himself “yeah, yeah OK, yeah that’s it” – that’s sort of where I am at the moment (without the back story). It sucks.

Like, it’s a bit liberating, knowing there’s nothing left with a person and that there’s a whole world waiting for you. But it’s a whole world without that person and right now that’s not an attractive offer.

Buddy (2019) – dir. Niels Bourgonje

[iwfh]

← Glitchcore vs. Matt Healy doing Matt Healy things →

The 1975 – Frail State of Mind

Oh boy don't cry, I'm sorry but I I always get this way sometimes

[iwfh]

Daniël (2012) 🇳🇱

Beautiful little thing. Young and carefree, no expectations and no words, warm and simple and peaceful. It’s 8 minutes – give it a watch, it will make you smile slightly.

[iwfh]

I'm halfway out of New York, half of me I left behind If we've got something to say then now is the time Just give me a sign

—

I remember listening to the as I was actually leaving New York, after having been there for work (and a few days of play) a few years ago. I met some beautiful people there and had a rollercoaster 10-days in Manhattan.

Nowadays it reminds me of pink city sunsets and warm weather and beautiful friends that could probably be / have been more than friends.

And sadness – like, looking at the evening sky and remembering good times, sort of sadness. The feeling of missed opportunity, even though memories prove how great a moment was. Deep unrequited or unrecognised affection, even though great friendship was shown.

I felt sad listening to this tonight, then I texted him, and remembered that I’m still connected to these people. I still have them in my life. The lust may fade, one day, but I do find really good humans to fall for. He is still there. Sunday 10:29pm he texted back. Just give me a sign.

[allthelonelyplaces]

I know we don’t get happily ever afters in real life. I’m a hopeless romantic, not a total fucking idiot. As my friend, Russell, said to me once, “Even with the happiest couples, one of you dies first.” But first there is such unalloyed joy. We went to the supermarket yesterday and we were wandering around and, at one point, he took my hand, because that’s the kind of thing he does. And instantly, I got flustered. Residual anxiety. Remembrance of past battery. Enduring scars. Even though I know I’m hardly likely to get my head kicked in by the salad bar, PDAs can still make me nervous. And then he said, gentle as anything, and I’m not going to do the accent… “If there’s a gay kid in here with his folks, frightened that he’s a freak, don’t you think that it might give him hope, seeing two guys wandering around, being themselves, getting their groceries, like everyone else?” If happiness is a place… it’s the biscuit aisle in Sainsbury’s. And anywhere else I am with him.

[iwfh]

And the waves come in and they're golden But down in the deep the honey is sweeter And the sun sets on the water But down in the deep the current is stronger

If you haven’t already watched And Then We Danced (2019) you really should. Rent it w/ English subtitles on BFI Player for super cheap. It’s worth it.

[exguyparis]

[iwfh]

I’ve hit a real moment where I want to be doing something more expressive.

The day-to-day is just so ‘normal’. And a few films have been so inspiring lately. Sure, we’re going through a global crisis and bits of everyone’s lives are being disrupted. Emotions are irrationally high and relationships are changing. I’m off work for three weeks from Monday, which is probably not great news, but I’m pretty excited by the potential of what I could create and achieve in all that time not spent raising the profile of corporate business people. There’s so much more that I should be doing and I’ll never have an opportunity like this again.

And then there’s him — I feel like I should be heartbroken that I won’t be with him everyday. But I equally feel that our friendship has absolutely run its course and why the fuck am I still thinking so much about this guy. Then I think of when we’d smile and touch and walk together and I’d see the colour of his boxers every single day. Then that changed and we didn’t hang out as much. And then that changed and we didn’t talk as much. And then this all happened and now we barely talk or see each other at all. And so I think the 9-6 comms with him won’t change. I don’t know if he thinks about me now and I won’t know if he thinks about me in the future, but I hope he misses me a little bit, sometimes. That said, I will give it one more chance over WhatsApp, outside of work, just general being friends. If nothing happens and we reduce interaction time to complete zero, then that will be the biggest cue I need to get out and do something else. Something bigger. Something more expressive.

I feel like it’s a shame that I’m still waiting for him to call everything off before I go be something bigger and better. But then I think about him.