#iwfh

[madstronaut]

I have to check myself before I reblog beautiful places/locations because 80% of the time my go-to caption is "I WANNA FUCK HERE"

^ also how I view myself after I edit my captions 😅

[iwfh]

Hello. Been a while, I know. Had some fun this year – said goodbye to lots of people then started a new job and said hello to lots more people. (Idk why I didn't do this years ago. But then, there's always a right time.)

I've met almost everyone here, except a handful (of over a hundred). Quite a few I've got to know very well. And even of those I haven't met, I've said hello or something. But there's one I haven't spoken to. And who hasn't spoken to me. And each day we're making eye contact. It feels like the day is getting closer. No idea what I'll say – hopefully play it cool and be normal, not try too hard, etc.

I walked out into the lobby earlier and he was standing right there. I freaked out for a second and went behind to the bar and poured myself a glass of water (as though intentional). Fuck knows what he thinks – if I'm looking at him a weird amount or accidentally following him around. I'm not, really. Anticipating a hello, maybe?

[iwfh]

Before:

This is kinda it. The next hour. It's 12:09pm and I've prepared everything I'd like to say – multiple streams. If we chat, it will either be beautiful and honest and we'll be friends again, or it will be a sad end to a beautiful 1.5 years. If we don't chat, it will just be sad.

High emotions. High hopes. Let's go.

After:

Thank fuck, he's good. Breathe. Awkward and rushed at times, we sort of talked properly. We're cool, he said. It's not all lost. I'd like to talk about it again soon, I'd like to know why things changed and why he was so different over the past 3-4 weeks, but right now I'm relieved that we spoke normally and laughed and smiled. And we said we'll talk normally again. And we texted more after. And just like that I felt my whole mood and spirit rise a bit – like, "now that's sorted, I can think about other/real things again". Probably early steps, but feels MUCH better.

Relief. Let's go.

[iwfh]

Apathy.

Probably the ongoing lockdown and lack of human contact – and the relatively unhealthy, incredibly sedentary holiday season – but I’m really struggling to care right now.

I have plenty of things on the to-do list, some enjoyable and some mundane, but I get excited about / pour days of my time into Minecraft and TikTok. I guess I’m still learning, but I’m hugely weighed down by the feeling of not getting anywhere.

Where I’d usually drag myself out of a hangover to play weekend football, or organise my days of coffee around evening training, I now don’t want to walk around the block to get some fresh air. My skin has got a bit bad and I chipped a tooth and haven’t fixed it.

I’ve stopped posting to social media completely. I love Instagram Stories, but I have no motivation to share any emotion or opinion or transient life update.

I’m even repeating sentence structures in every paragraph. Jeez.

I feel like I need something / am waiting for something.

I want to jump in the sea with a board, paddle out beyond the waves and just sit there watching the world for a while. I want a beer in a pub with friends and uninhibited contact. I want to fix my appearance, find a new job, brush up on a few specialist skills. Actually, there are a load of things I want. Maybe not so apathetic after all. Maybe just struggling slightly. OK, thanks

Photo: Tim Marshall

[iwfh]

I'm halfway out of New York, half of me I left behind If we've got something to say then now is the time Just give me a sign

—

I remember listening to the as I was actually leaving New York, after having been there for work (and a few days of play) a few years ago. I met some beautiful people there and had a rollercoaster 10-days in Manhattan.

Nowadays it reminds me of pink city sunsets and warm weather and beautiful friends that could probably be / have been more than friends.

And sadness – like, looking at the evening sky and remembering good times, sort of sadness. The feeling of missed opportunity, even though memories prove how great a moment was. Deep unrequited or unrecognised affection, even though great friendship was shown.

I felt sad listening to this tonight, then I texted him, and remembered that I’m still connected to these people. I still have them in my life. The lust may fade, one day, but I do find really good humans to fall for. He is still there. Sunday 10:29pm he texted back. Just give me a sign.

[iwfh]

iwfh 50/50 – Tom Holland

Had to put this superhero in there. I know there are enough adorable interviews and GIFs out there, but he just never stops being adorable. See also: 24 times Tom Holland was too cute for words. Thanks, Tom.

[iwfh]

iwfh 48 / 50 – Thomas Doherty

Scottish actor, been in a few things, but mostly attracted attention for those looks. See also his modelling Vimeo clip.

[iwfh]

iwfh 46 / 50 – Thomas Hayes

I know I plug it enough, but if you haven’t watched SKAM (esp. S3, although this guy isn’t around) then go watch it now. William features in S2 and looks stunning throughout.