poetry and shit

thoughts from my fucked up little brain

[iwillclimb]

I only get angry at night In the dark In the quiet All alone

Under the covers I remember how to speak And for a second I actually believe that next time "Next time" I will stand up for myself Instead of getting walked all over Again

Because right now it's midnight And I'm angry How dare they? How could you? That's crazy! I have a comeback I am witty I am strong this time I won't let them talk to me like that Not in the dark!

Stop! Close the curtains I'm not ready Don't let the light in just yet It can't be morning No, I need the shadows My spine disappears with the moon The sun rises and there goes my anger The birds sing and once more I'm calm I can only get angry at night, dear

Does that mean I don't get angry at all?

[iwillclimb]

A Rainstorm

There’s a rustling sound 

And you think it’s the rain

But it is the sound of me falling apart

You lean out the window

Watching for lightning

And miss when when my heart hits the floor

BOOM

“Thunder!” You say. 

“Yes,” I reply. 

I count the remaining beats from above

You look out the window

I stare at the floor

Three

Two

One

I’m gone

[iwillclimb]

mirror image

Violence

Turned me gentle 

Gentleness 

Turned me violent

[iwillclimb]

the classroom

Hello friend

It’s alright, you can come closer

I am not alone because everyone else is afraid of me

I am alone out of preference 

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have room for you

Look

There’s a little rug at my feet

Perfect for you to perch on

You just need a moment, don’t you?

Take it

Have it

There are moments to spare

Just for you

It’s warm over here, isn’t it?

And quiet 

And light 

I’ll hold your hand until you’re ready

And let you go when it’s time

There is nothing to fear

Never here

In this classroom 

You see

It was made for you 

It’s been waiting for you 

I was made for this moment, to sit here with you in the quiet 

So come

Come anytime

You are safe here

Always

[iwillclimb]

Hush

If I don’t make a sound

No one will notice me here in the corner of the room

Be still 

Breathe slowly 

Listen

I am most peaceful when I am unseen

I am alive when I am invisible 

I am

My most dearest secret. 

[sillypoetproject]

i couldn’t even look at you when we brushed past one another. i couldn’t find the strength within myself to turn my head in your direction. but i could feel your presence. i could smell your perfume, all lavender and honey and sickeningly sweet. i could hear your voice, hear your heels click on the floor as you walked. i have grown and i have changed and it seems you have too. i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss y

[sillypoetproject]

i spent so long with the version of you i had meticulously made up in my head

that when you turned your back to me for the first time a piece of my heart splintered and broke

and i was left in the rubble of the destruction that you had absentmindedly caused

[iwillclimb]

She bleeds. Not for attention, but because if she doesn’t, how will anyone know she is real?

[iwillclimb]

My own personal nightmare 

Consists of

“It wasn’t that bad.”

And

“You’re being dramatic.”

My daydream is

“I believe you.”

[iwillclimb]

I am so many things

And

Most of them are 

Bile in my throat 

I cannot meet my eyes 

In the mirror

I cannot breathe

When you compliment me

I cannot speak 

Outside of my living room 

I am so embarrassed 

By my own existence 

I am so many things

But there is only one of them

That I can stand

And it is the fact that 

I am a teacher 

You see

When I am in my classroom 

I feel like I matter

When I am with my kids 

I cannot bear to hate myself

Knowing I could never

Hate them 

When I am teaching 

I can speak

And it doesn’t feel like drowning

It is the one thing that I am

That I am proud of. 

[iwillclimb]

My airway clears for a moment

And everyone leans forward in their seats 

What will she say? They ask. 

What will she sound like? They wonder. 

Sweet like honey

Hoarse like sand

Loud

Or soft

Or melodic?

The clock ticks and they lean even more

One even topples right out of his seat

Hurry! They cry. 

Say something! They growl. 

Too long—

I’ve waited too long

They are no longer curious 

Only impatient

SPEAK. SPEAK. SPEAK. 

Eyes

So many eyes

And suddenly my throat constricts again

I waited to long 

They turn away again

Disgusted with themselves 

That they once again fell for the siren song of an introvert 

And I

The siren

Am the one drowning. 

[iwillclimb]

Biology

The biggest lie on earth

Is about your cells

It says that over time

Each and every one of them 

Will be replaced 

New

Clean

If this is true

Why does my skin crawl

Seven years after 

You

[iwillclimb]

The memory of you

Feels like hands

Tearing eyes out of sockets 

You are

And always will be

My mutilation. 

[iwillclimb]

night terrors

I glue my eyelids open 

Every night 

That way I won’t be surprised 

By the monsters

And every night 

I am surprised 

That the monster 

Is

Me. 

[iwillclimb]

There is a gravestone at my feet

I scrub the surface 

Brush the dirt away

And read 

“Another life”

It says

That is all

I stumble back

And fall to my knees 

How could I have forgotten that I was the one in mourning?

I grieve the possibilities

I grieve for what I lost 

And what I never got the chance to try 

I grieve myself. 

I am the body under the gravestone. 

[iwillclimb]

One more line

Hurry, hurry, hurry 

There isn’t much more time 

Finish the poem

It won’t be dark for long

The words are screaming 

To be freed

It is a rushed thing 

This writing

A frantic confession 

A desperate overflow 

Before the seamstress comes

And sews your lips

Together again

And steals 

Your pen

And burns

The page 

Hurry

In the morning

All of these words will be gone 

And it won’t even matter 

That you wrote them at all 

So hurry,

You futile little thing.

Hurry. 

[iwillclimb]

You are a poison 

That I pretend

Is a prescription medication 

You are the overdose 

That will send me

To 

My 

Grave. 

Mother.