Pursuing My True Self - M.J.N @iwishicouldwrite2015-blog - Tumblr Blog

It's been a long time. We both didn't really know what to say, but it still somehow felt natural. Like I was talking to my best friend. More than anything else, I want you to remember this: I'll be there in whatever capacity you want me to be.

Expectation vs. Reality (#060: August 25, 2015)

#august

My roommate overheard me having another panic attack in the bathroom. He asked if I was okay. I talked to him a bit about what's wrong, about why I'm like this. It didn't help. I don't think anyone but you can help.

Irony (#059: May 20, 2015)

#may

I can't make you remember me, but I'm terrified of you forgetting me.

Shattered Memories (#058: March 24, 2015)

#march

The pain is unbearable. I just want to hear your voice again. I want to call you in the middle of the night and talk to you and cry and tell you how fucking bad it's been trying to keep it all together so I can go to school and talk to my friends and see my family. I want to see you again. It's the only thing I think about when I'm alone. But I can't. I'm not ready yet. And I don't know if I can be. Because I keep telling myself that I can be with you again. I can't stop lying to myself.

Far Too Gone (#057: March 17, 2015)

#march

Everyone is starting to worry about me. I can hear it in the words they say. I see it in the way they look at me, like I’m going to do something drastic. I’m getting worried too.

I’m Not Good Enough (#056: March 17, 2015)

#march

I miss you. So goddamn much. It still hurts. Fuck.

Even Now (#055: March 10, 2015)

#march

You said that I didn't really love you Because I only wanted what was in the past. But how can you blame me, When I no longer feel like I have a future? You are the cause of all the pain, sorrow, fear, and emptiness. I loved you. You are the solution to all the pain, sorrow, fear, and emptiness. I've fallen in love with you. I tried so hard to make you into an idea That I could keep safe up in my head forever, But the only thing I succeeded in doing Was push you down below my feet. I have made countless mistakes in my life. Loving you was not one of them. You have done amazing things in your life. Loving me was not one of them.

You're the Only Person I've Ever Written a Poem For (#054: January 27, 2015)

#january #present #happy birthday

As much as I want to text you just to say it, I'm too scared that you'll reply back and then I won't be able to stop myself from telling you that I need to hear your voice again. I know we're both not ready yet, but I was so used to being there to celebrate with you. I wrote something special, which I guess is my attempt at a present.

Happy Birthday (#053: January 27, 2015)

#january

I can’t even cry anymore. Some people might say that’s a sign that I’m moving on, but I know that’s not it. It’s just that the sadness has turned into emptiness.

What Happens When the Well Runs Dry? (#052: January 26, 2015)

#january

I want so badly to be the person you can come to whenever there’s anything wrong. I want to be the person you can talk to about anything. I want to be with you so much and I hate that it’s impossible. I hate everything about myself because I know that even though I wanted to be yours, I couldn’t. You gave me everything and I wasted it. I wasn’t enough. I held myself back from being with you and now that I’m finally ready, I can’t. You don’t want to be with me, and you have every right to not want to even see me again. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do anything without you. I have made the mistake of wanting to love someone who doesn’t want to love me back. And now I’m paying the price.

Wanted (#051: January 24, 2015)

#january

Every time I’m alone, my stomach feels empty, my heart feels like a rock, and my brain won’t stop thinking. That’s the worst part. I can’t stop thinking and I feel like I’m going to go insane. I need to be around someone just to feel normal again. I guess that’s what loneliness feels like.

Symptoms (#050: January 24, 2015)

#january

It’s just so goddamn hard for me to be happy when I think of you two being together. I don’t know if that will ever go away.

Selfish (#049: January 24, 2015)

#january

I don’t know how to be in a relationship with you, and I don’t know how to be apart.

In and Out (#048: January 23, 2015)

#january

I hope to God that not talking to each other hurts you a hell of a lot less than it hurts me.

At the Same Time, I Hope it Does (#047: January 23, 2015)

#january

There’s plenty of things I’ve never been good at. I really wish loving you could have been one of the few things I had done right.

Just Once (#046: January 22, 2015)

#january

How is it that even though it's 3:50 in the morning and I'm staying up to finish homework, you still manage to consistently creep your way into my thoughts? Maybe it's due to the lack of sleep, or the excess amounts of coffee I've pumped into my body. Or maybe it's because of all places, you never left my head.

Deprivation (#045: January 21, 2015)

#january

I like to think that I've always given good advice when someone who is close to me asked for help. It's a shame I've always had such a hard time doing that for myself.

Self-Help (#044: January 21, 2015)

#january

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