...I write and I...

I am Diamond, these are my word strings. Accounts of my borderline personality and manic depression. Also, romance and parenthood. But mostly, the things that inspire me to release. Less Personal: http://diamondfarah.tumblr.com

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

At the restaurant

We sit down, across the table. Our eyes, once insatiable for one another, no longer meet in loving gazes. Where have you gone, with your love and your warmth? You stare at me blankly, when I use my voice. So, all we have left is to eat and drink, try to think of something to say. Nothing too serious, because that isn't fun. We drink, and drink more, and we laugh, we eat... But our eyes never meet In love, anymore. We bite our tongues, and bleed.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

She picked at everything There is nothing else left Picked everything apart She grew tired one day Of feeling the pain And then stopped.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

I get why wise men say "only fools rush in," And why the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too," applies to so many things Only the greatest things are earned, spoil the child so it stays a child with no ambition Expectations are for ass holes, I've been one, too need a partner to promise that we won't live in that reality Living alone, no longer disappointed in others or entitled to anything The only person you rely on is yourself Motivation returning that I had abandoned before Still strong and defiant and able to carry on Respect is no longer a two part struggle I have no one to need but myself.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

I'm not in love. I wonder if I ever was. I don't remember ever feeling safe, but once. I remember that like yesterday. It's crisp and warm and full of lust. We believed in each other. In us. That was once, that wasn't us. In truth, the light is too bright to contain. On fleeting bullshit, our romances wain. I see through you, no illusions remain. No tender heart, no colored frames. Not even a touch of innocence, mocking the very existence of our souls. No Devine connection to restore. So, I can't be in love, with you. I can't hold you to any moral code, or bare to you my delacate intricacies. You are not in love. You are aware of how in tune we are, but I leave a few scars. You leave a few. Would it be better if we stayed superficial? Direct all of our attention at the shallow end, the untouchable, the tangible bits of our love? Do we never delve deeper? Is there a level we can walk on, together? We will never be equal. I am not in love. There is no longer hope. What happens now?

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

I can't hold my breath for you, but I can wait until your blue before I smother you with loving, and I'll remember that it's true that we are significant to each other even when we falter, that our hearts have enveloped one another.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

Resilient, I've become Left myself open and undone I know I cannot right all deserving No longer my main mode is yearning Life is not without heavy chest At least now my demons rest

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

I am best at breaking hearts I know it to be true Once I finish hurting others I then turn on myself, too. In matters of love, I'm always blind And I shallowly think "woe is me," When people turn out to be just people And I am still, only just me After all new things settle There is no change in my head End up feeling alone in life, but At least we aren't alone in bed.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

I just want a smoke break from this eternal smoke break Give in to the filtered poison let it devour my mind and my Uneasy spine. I tend to feel spent and stretched thin and sometimes bent straight the fuck over, over and over and over I just want a couple guilty pleasures to replace the stress That has begun to kill me faster than cigarettes.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

Maybe i forgot what it meant to be present Its been so long since I've felt connected, i just didnt get it Maybe I've been overwhelmed so long Its begun to overtake me Things are getting heavy And i feel like I'm ready But then I'm second guessing And then I'm left defending And there's no better ending Than the one that leaves you cringing Maybe I'm only dreaming But for me, what I'm feeling Is the only thing I'm believing.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

My mental health declines after dark Every night, it feels like I dance along the water's edge Chasing the moon light Where am I to wander on this night? Will I role play a manic princess, love and kisses Or drown in the dark lake Made up of my deepest sorrows, and my biggest regrets? Sleep, my only ally, Why won't you come to me? Sleep, please save me from the abyss.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

In time, I realized What I was means nothing All that I left behind Was the shit that really mattered All the things they want to believe, I cannot change now, They already do.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

I'm trying to let go of you But I'm still wearing all your clothes Who am I kidding when thinking You are not stitched in Every day, its A new day, without you In the physical sense Yet you still manifest, you exist In this winter cold, in truth Both of us feeling the same thing, Seeing each other in everything, A constant Reminder we are alive, alone.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

They say you can't love someone if you don't love yourself, Well, how are you to know love if its not for someone else?

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

I can only try not to interpret my Beating heart, loud and begging In my chest, its just so tight in there I feel as if I can barely take a breath Without trembling

There was no warning sign It just came on to me sudden And totally unintentionally Like the way fall Turns, violently, into winter

If I dig any further now Into the reason I am in this state I know that its too cold out To climb my way back.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

Secluded myself again Anxiety binding me here As if there is Something to fear But maybe there is Maybe knowing Myself too well Is enough.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

I said I couldn't anymore And that I shouldn't anymore Listed off valid reasons why Even trying to protect you I still couldn't just do What I need to.

[iwriteandiwriteandiwrite]

Your name is poetry, fits you perfectly Just like my name is magic When you say it. As you speak, I want to write you a sonnet, Shower you in notes and poems Give you a reason to give the world The gift of you, radiant Shining your love all over Like the rays of the sun.