It’s been a long time.. I can’t even remember when was the last time I posted on this. I guess I kind of just didn’t feel like blogging about my life or anything else anymore.
I only decided to sign back on because.. well.. I don’t know. I originally was going to write out my feelings about what’s been eating me alive inside but I also don’t want people to know.. It’s a constant conflicting issue with wanting to write out/speak my feelings and not wanting people to know. Why should they know? They don’t care. It’s only mere gossip for them to spread. “Did you hear about Michelle?” I heard! That’s terrible.
Only those close to me know what happened.. But only less than a handful know the severity of how badly I’ve been affected by it. The emotional distress it causes me, the physical effect it had on me and still does from time to time.
I just feel like I’m being too much every time I talk about it so I try not to. Even now, just thinking about my mom, I start tearing up a lot and the pain just floods my heart. Part of me doesn’t want to talk to anyone about the pain and how much it hurts because well... it hurts just thinking about her not being here anymore. It just fucking kills me on the inside. She was so young, she didn’t deserve this. She could’ve fought it but she gave up. The worst part of it all was her not telling us she knows her time is coming. Well why would she? Why would she tell her loved ones that she won’t be with us anymore? Why make us worry and upset us? So all she did was give us small hints and worry about us. Giving her food to my brother instead of eating because she didn’t have the appetite anymore. Telling me to drink her Ensure because I’m not eating. All these memories, it breaks my heart. Knowing the struggle she had to go through everyday, taking pills to fight the cancer, then starting chemotherapy again.. Part of me feels like I took her for granted and now I’m blind. Things became extremely difficult since she’s been gone. Everyday feels like a struggle to keep going forward. Another reason why I don’t want to talk to anyone about this: people tell me the same things over and over again, in different words. I understand. She wouldn’t want me to do this to myself. She would want me to be happy. I have to make her proud. She’s watching over me. She’s always with me. I would give up everything to have her back, healthy and cancer-free. I would’ve given her my lungs and organs if it would’ve helped her. I know that’s not how things work. And I know life is not always supposed to be rainbows and butterflies. And I know that with life, comes death. I never imagined life without her. Now, I have to. Because there’s no way and no miracle that will bring her back. And I fucking hate this. I hate this more than anything. She was the one I would always go to when I needed to rant about my dad. She understood me and how I am which is why I always got along with her and not my dad but now, I have no choice.
I just wish I could go back in time and prevent her from smoking. Then maybe, she would still be here with me and I wouldn’t feel the pain I feel now.