O B L I V I A T E

p h o t o g r a p h e r || w r i t e r broken soul

[iziallsqueen]

Perfect Scentless Perfume

It was a blind choice that left a mark, not in my nose, but in my soul.

A few bottles here and there, I went for something so casual. So boring. The type where most people won't pick. But what was something so boring, that's only supposed to last for a couple of hours, lasted until morning.

It wasn't even a daily scent. Just on some random nights. Late night talks, and games even.

It was only supposed to be boring. Not until I met him.

He was the epitome of my past, and so much more. The representation of what could have been, and could have been not. It was everything I wanted, and more.

The perfume was scentless, but it was calming, yet managed to shake me to my core. He challenged me in ways that my previous scent could have never. Took care of me in a sense that made me feel dependent. He made me laugh, pissed me off, annoyed me to the end of my patience, but he never made me cry. It was a silent, scentless scenario where nothing was overwhelming. Just pure feelings of comfort and satisfaction.

It's all fun and games until the line becomes blurry. Not out of love, but of attachment.

The realization hits harder when this perfume was the exact thing that I wanted, but it was scentless. It was nothing but give and take. It was nothing but a form of skin to skin friendship. The attraction was beyond carnal, but less than the affection of what could be something more.

It was his beliefs, his principles, and exactly just how he took care of me. The tease, the laughs, the playful banters. Even on mornings where he would wrap his arms around me tightly where I would feel a sense of peace.

And no matter how many times I sniff the scent, there was nothing. I smelled nothing.

He was my perfect scentless perfume.

[iziallsqueen]

Helianthus🌻

A sunflower is known to follow the direction of the sun. A sunflower that will always follow your light, your warmth, will always follow you, will always love you. In love, a sunflower means a person who has loved with sincerity and purity, never forgets and truly loves until the end. Basking in your sunshine, your smiles, and your laughs. The sunflower was contented despite the distance, despite the presence of the moon. The sunflower was just there. Was just always there. To love you the way you wanted to be loved, to admire you, even from afar.

But when the flower finally reached for the sun, it is hard to let go. Please don't run away. Please stay with me, my sun. The sunflower never meant peace, or quiet. The color yellow is loud, bright, and nothing that embodies nothingness. But this flower hoped. That despite the loud color, the messy placements of its stalks, the sun could find peace from within. To try. To at the very least, try.

"Please stay." Whispered by the sunflower as the sun descends into oblivion.

"Please stay." As the head slight drops, as there was no more presence of the sun.

"Please stay." As the flower slowly withers away.

I am a sunflower.

I am not just a sunflower.

I am your sunflower, until the end.

Please don't let me wither away.

The sun was never meant for the sunflower, but it hoped the sun is. I hoped that you are.

[iziallsqueen]

Aeideín ston Michaíl

In the middle of the night in the passenger seat, I can feel myself squirming. Anxiety, fear, restlessness and anticipation. As the hours passed by, I'm greeted with your brown eyes. The first time we walked under the moonlight. The first time we held hands. Yours was rough but it was warm. The conversation was a blur. All that was ever imprinted was how your touch was on fire. I felt like I was burning but without the pain. You were warm, not only your hands, but every bit of you. It was a hazy memory that I always treasure.

We argued a lot. A complete opposite of each other. Maybe it was the age, maybe it was the culture. But nonetheless, those useless fights made my day. I liked the challenge and you liked the chase. It was a game for both of us until it wasn't. I often wondered if your declaration of love was ever real. Or was I some prize on a stupid bet you made with yourself. Sometimes, I felt it though, maybe you were genuine. Maybe it was real. My heart hoped it was real.

I didn't know when the words "I love you" transitioned from a lie to the truth. I know a few things — it makes me happy when I see your dimples when you smile. Making you laugh was one of the best things. Even if I was silly, even if I was really annoyed. Even if in your mind, I wasn't the one whom you want to laugh with.

I remembered you said that I was only settling with you. But that wasn't true. I fell. Even if I knew I wasn't ready, I fell. I knew that from the moment I sent those drunken words of I love you. My heart failed me once again. Dragging me to the pits of unimaginable pain. I thought to myself, maybe it will all be right. Maybe you were my finish line. Because this is with you. I wanted it to be you.

You were more than just love. You were comfort, you were my home. At times you drive me crazy but I wouldn't have it any other way. Everything was sailing smoothly. We tread the waters just fine. All good things never comes easy, or it all ends. It sprouted with a speck of doubt.

The snow was falling but my head was filled with doubt, fear, and anxiety. Funny how a single missed call can break down everything. I knew it. I wasn't ready. Even if I wanted to, the darkness of my past still clings onto me. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I cry. The little changes, I noticed. From an hour long calls to barely lasting half of it. Sweet words vanished and everything was for mere stability. I tried showing how much you meant to me, I messaged often. Updated often. But it gets tiring when we were not the same. I tried but I can't be the only one trying.

It was unhealthy and obsessive. Questions were fired but remained unanswered. You don't lie, you say. You never lie, you say. But the silence was killing me. The moment you stayed silent, I knew it was over. I knew I was right. It hurts, yes, but it's better than losing myself. Not again. I exit the door, but I really hoped you tried making me stay. I thought you were my epilogue. Turns out you were just another chapter.

I shouldn't have rode in that passenger seat.

Antio sas.

-- C

[iziallsqueen]

Watawat

Ang simbolong iwinagayway noong nakamit ang kalayaan.

Ang saksi ng dugong inialay ng mga bayaning namatay para sa bayan laban sa dayuhan.

Ang saksi ng bawat hinaing ng mga Pilipino. Saya, hinagpis man o pagdurusa. Sa bawat dugo o pawis na tumulo para sa ating bayan.

Ang watawat na may tintang pula. Bahid ng dugo para sa inang bayan. Ngunit mga anak din ang nagpapatayan. Mga anak din ng bansa ang siyang harang sa kaunlaran. Pula na simbolo ng katapangan ay nabahiran ng karamutan.

Ang watawat na may tintang puti. Puting simbolo ng kapayapaan at kalayaan. Payapa? Payapa nga ba ang mga Pilipinong lugmok sa kahirapan? Malaya? Malaya nga ba ang mga Pilipinong pilit pinatahimik? Nakamit na nga ba natin ang kulay puti matapos makawala sa ilalim ng mga dayuhan?

Ang watawat na may tintang asul. Asul para sa politikang tapat, may moralidad at para sa mga Pilipino. Asul na naging lason. Mga buwayang binubulsa ang pinaghirapan ng mga Pilipino. Politikang sentro ang gobyerno at hindi na para sa tao. Moralidad na magpatahimik ng mga nanlalaban.

Hanggang kailan natin hahayaang maging saksi ang watawat? Hanggang kailan natin hahayaan iangat ang watawat ngunit taliwas sa mga simbolo nito?

Pasensya ka na, inang bayan. Umaawit ng pagmamahal para sa bansa. Kamay na nasa ibabaw ng puso. Puso na dapat para sa iyo at sa kapwa Pilipino. Pasensya ka na kung ang mga anak mong Pilipino ang sumisira sa iyo.

Sa watawat na laging itinataas, sa bawat kwentong nasilayan, sana ay tingalain ka ulit ng mga taong nasa iyong ilalim. Maalala ang kahulugan ng mga kulay na iyong dinadala.

Magmasid ka lang muna diyan sa taas, baka sakaling maalala namin na tumingala.

[iziallsqueen]

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

Came across this and wow. I just want to say something.

The “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” are taken way too literally by some socialists. In response to @mackierolls tweet, the government, of course, has an obligation to its people. But securing the food for the people is entirely different from providing it. The government’s job is to make sure there are enough food for the people to eat and not to  spoon fed every single constituent.

Economics basically revolves around allocation of scarce resources. And it’s a fact that money isn’t unlimited. That’s why the government needs to allocate the budget accordingly. Seems easy? Hell no. There are a lot of factors to consider. From the local and international market to households, there are also lobbying and even fortuitous events (like natural disasters) can occur.

I am enjoying the free tuition I’m experiencing but the real question is, is this sustainable or not? I’ve no say in other SUCs but in my experience in the university, socialized tuition is better. Why?

Imagine all those subsidies that could be turned into equipment and facilities that just goes into the pockets of those who can pay 20,000-30,000 pesos every semester. There are a lot of students who owns a car, and affords a tuition at par to those of private schools. Again, yes it is the government’s obligation to provide free education to every Filipinos. But in this economy, I doubt that this is what the country really needs in order to develop. 

Haven’t you wondered why taxes are high? It’s because there are a lot of programs that are subsidized by the government. “There’s no such thing as free lunch.” Yes there isn’t. Because what the underprivileged people are receiving through subsidies and programs are being funded by the mass through taxes. Of course the government officials are still shit because we all know that no one is NOT corrupt.

So yeah. I guess studying economics would make you wonder, is this the rational choice? I understand what sosc teaches us but the ideal doesn’t always fit with reality. And the reality is that people’s nature are always capitalists. We hoard what we can and everyone is always thinking for themselves.

So stop blaming us economists.

[iziallsqueen]

Raindrop.

It was the end of summer and the beginning of fall, a raindrop fell on my heart and onto my soul. It was calming yet a massive disruption of my emotions consumed me.

I had a taste of charcoal and I played with fire and got burnt. The sweet playful smile formed and the agony of the storm plunged through my heart. I felt my feet stepped on the breaks as hard as I could, but the slippery road caused me to move forward.

I sang songs with the radio while my heart bled inside. I mirrored myself as a woman in white sheets beneath your black eyes. As the inked stoplight came to life, I knew I had to stop even when the colors are green.

I drove away while it was raining hard, the huge droplets clamor the metal hood of my being. I wonder how could a storm brew from a single drop of rain?

[iziallsqueen]

Click

It was more than three years ago when I tagged along with my closest friends and started my journey through photography. I presented myself into an unknown world, unsure of myself, without the bare minimum of passion. I started my journey blind and day after day, a vision of me falling inhibited my sleep.

I fell in love with them. With the short amount of time I’ve dedicated to this family, I’ve grown to appreciate their passion and eagerness, even with the small fear that I entered this world without my heart. I’ve received sweets and shouts, tore up paper and calligraphy writings, and learning and wonders. I was determined to continue this journey until my knees and spirit broke down. I took a turn and left the path that I once stepped in out of pressure.

I shattered that world but pieces of it remained underneath my soul. I sought the world through the lens of my phone and it intensified when I had my heart broken. The photographs spoke for me as it was an outlet for words I could never express. That’s when I decided to take a huge leap of faith and come back. And I did. I came back to this world I once buried, with the eagerness and hunger for learning and experiences.

It wasn’t long when I’ve questioned my worth and skills. Everyone was  improving and I seemed stuck in one place. I had an existential crisis, lost my passion and entered a new world without those photographs. I was lost for months, afraid to come back as their whole world moved on without me. I was consumed in fear and clung to people I’m closest with.

It wasn’t long ago when the world I created after I left my second family in the university was destroyed. I was alone, or so I thought. I came back unsure if these people I call my family would accept me. And they did. They haven’t turn their backs on me even when I’ve turned my back on them. I have received familial love from them.

I now dedicate myself to this family, to my fellow Litratistas, to #OneUPPhotoS.

[iziallsqueen]

Time’s Up

My heart can’t take it anymore. From your smile to your laugh. You make me crazy and it hurts. It hurts.

I don’t even know what’s real anymore. But all I can ever think about is you. I remember how you suddenly hugged me out of nowhere. I felt my heart jumped and beat like crazy. I remember your smiles and how you tease me, I felt lightheaded because of happiness. I remember how warm you are even without touching you. You made me crazy that day. It felt like you want me but I know you don’t. It felt like you wanted to kiss me but you didn’t. All I could ever feel was your breath near my face, your hand almost touching mine, or your head on my shoulders.

I remember that night, when you have to sleep with me because you can’t go home. Separate beds, separate worlds. I had to cry out of sadness, I had to cry alone on the door. But you just had to come to me and ask if I was okay. You just had to touch me as if you care for me. I’ll be fine, I said. My heart will be fine, I whispered to myself. I let you sleep again. Alone. I sat beside you, admiring you while you were asleep. I felt the needed to cry again so I headed for the door, hoping you won’t hear me. You were sound asleep while I cried my heart out.

After I finished crying, I sat beside you again. You jolted awake and asked if I was okay. I apologized for startling you in your sleep while telling you all my problems. And you just had to kiss me. Even if it’s out of pity or what, I felt my heart race. I hugged you after but you kissed me again.

It was a wonderful night of hugs, kisses and stories. It felt like we both shared a moment. A memory that I’ll treasure forever. I felt insomniac that night but your warmth put me to sleep. While your arms draped around me, I never felt safer, never felt happier. 

Time’s up!

Morning came and you had to go. I just hugged you tight, knowing that it’ll never happen again. Thank you for hugging me back.

[iziallsqueen]

Crush(ed)

Bullshit. You know what’s bullshit? Love at first sight. And another bullshit -- A broken heart that has been broken, again.

It was raining hard, I had no umbrella, but I had to open the gates. And there you were. Outside. Holding an umbrella while looking at me. I remembered being annoyed at the rain, or with myself.

As you entered through our door, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. I was being drawn like a magnet to a coil. But of course, you weren’t the one I was supposed to meet. It was your friend. I thank the heavens that you tagged along. I liked you the first time I saw you. It wasn’t really your bright smile or your deep dimples, it was just simply, you.

That day was followed by the same scenario. You, me, and our friends. I thought we all were getting along pretty well until feelings just had to fuck us up. Your friend likes my friend and we both like you. You know what’s the worst part? You like her, too. I just had my heart broken a few months back and I never thought it could be broken again by someone like you.

I knew I had to back off. You and her, I just needed to be simply out of the picture. It was all that simple until the night that I kissed you. It wasn’t magical nor with fireworks, I kissed you and the bittersweet taste of alcohol and apple made my heart swell. I just had to feel you that night. It was the urge of alcohol and feelings that made me do it. As our skin touched, my friend’s heart was aching. I never knew how she felt for you. 

She became indifferent that night. I knew something was wrong. And I just had to back off. I learned you feel the same way about her. Another reason for me to let go. But you hate broken friendships and you decided to go, to not choose. You decided to shut up even when your heart is screaming for her. I chose her over you, she chose me over you, and you chose us over you. The fucked up cycle made me weep at night, I want you but my wishes are not returned. I ended up hurting my friend, losing you, and a broken heart.

I lit up another cigarette as the rain falls, just like the day when I first met you, thinking how in the world I can fall in love with someone within two weeks.

-C

[iziallsqueen]

Those Who Weep

At a funeral, we often see people weep. Friends, family or loved ones.

I’ve always wondered why people cry at funerals. I know how painful it is to lose a loved one but the tears I see were more than grief. There were regrets, apologies, and love. It may sound cliche but why tell or show all those emotions when that person doesn’t feel anymore?

Why do we care about the dead more than we cared when they were still breathing?

If I’ll watch my own funeral. I’ll probably be furious. How can you weep for me when you didn’t weep with me?

So yeah. If I could make an invitation, y’all can’t come.

[iziallsqueen]

TOTGU - The One that Gave Up

I ended the sequel I wrote as I listened to her cry at the end of the line.

“Good night, I love you.” Were my last words before I hung up. I heard her hurtful cry but decided to shrug it off. I gave up on her, again.

I can’t drag her down with what a mess I am. I needed to fix me, to find myself. I can’t sacrifice her well-being. I don’t want any commitment. I don’t want to make more promises that I can’t do. It will break her. I’d rather break her now than shatter her, and the relationship we built.

I’d like to walk on a path of my own, no promises, no extra baggage, just a time of my own. I hate hurting her but it’s for the best for the both of us. I love her and I knew I can’t handle her demons while battling mine. I love her but I’m choosing myself. I want to be free from everything that’s been holding me.

On the first moon after breaking her heart, I felt mine shattered into a thousand pieces. As the moon became red and white sheets was bathe in blood. I stared at her pale face and her lifeless eyes. Her silver ring still glistens with sunlight, and the dried petals were spread around her, as if a memento of what had happened. I knew it was her will. As I look at her satin dress, white doesn’t suit her, it was red that best describes her fiery attitude. I don’t think I could ever love red again. It was the blue skies that always calmed her storm. Ironic, that today has the most beautiful blue skies, yet she’s lying with closed eyes. As I stare at her now peaceful face, I’m glad you’re done fighting your demons. I threw in a black rose, standing out from all the white that has surrounded her, as she descended from the land. She always wanted a black rose. “I’m sorry it’s late, baby.”

I walked away again, but this time, I know she’s with me. 

[iziallsqueen]

Clinging on to a Spider Thread

I often ponder, is there really a purpose for everyone in this world? Was Hitler really meant to shock the world? Or J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series to leave a mark on this generation after being rejected by tons of publishers? Or just some random teenager on the streets, shot because he was accused of being a drug pusher? If fate is real, was this theirs? What’s mine?

I am an angry, depressed human being who’s anxious with the world. I am my beliefs but my demons and feelings consumed me. Where’s my luck in life? I envy a lot of people because they have someone to turn to when I don’t. They have their friends, family, partners, even God. Tell me, please, how to find someone to hold on to when I can’t stand on my own? How to find someone who’s not going to be tired of wiping my tears?

I want my life to end. I want these demons to die with me but they aren’t. They’re going to turn into grief and remorse. Grief for my family and remorse for my friends. Even with death, all I can be to the people that I love is a burden. Tell me, what’s my life’s purpose? Was I really meant for anything? Because I honestly don’t  know what to do with my life. My family, a few friends I treasure, the partner I love, they’re my spider thread. In the depths of this hell, I cling to them even if I bleed. I’m afraid to give them so much pain, or maybe I’m just afraid that they can move on without me. I cling for life, I cling for them. I can accept the world may revolve without me in it, but I don’t want it for them.

I can end my life, when my spider thread is gone. Or I may just let go of it to stop the bleeding. Living hurts. So tell me, what’s my purpose?

[iziallsqueen]

I Wish I Loved Myself More

I was conceited and vain, well, I used to be. The more love I give to people, the more I resented myself. I grew up hating myself, oh boy, I wasn’t enough and will never be. Demons lived in my head and anxiety in my heart. Tears welled up easily, as easy as how I can give up my life.

Looking back, maybe I didn’t love myself enough. I was fixated on giving love to people as maybe, that’s what they need. Maybe I can make them feel a little better. Maybe I could help with what I can. I was fixated on them as I forgot to love myself. I forgot who I am. And right now, I love people less because all they do is take you for granted, or betray you, or talk shit behind your back. I just realized that it’s not love what they need. It’s what I need. As I enter my young adult life, I realized, the love I gave away was meant for me. Now, it’s too late. And all I could is continue to love people who are worth loving yet, I keep on hating myself. 

Maybe they’re actually fed up with me. Maybe, they don’t need me anymore. I just want to be happy. I want to think of myself starting from now on. But my demons wouldn’t let me. And I am my own demon. How I wish I loved myself more back when my heart was meant for me. Because right now, all I could see in front of the mirror is my face. My face, who are you? And where is your heart? Gone? Ah. Same.

[iziallsqueen]

A Series of Sad Girls’ Smiles - Moon and Stars

I’ve looked at you the same way, but now from afar.

I’ve held your hands, hugged you tight, and made you smile. I have loved you ever since I laid my eyes on you. Your chestnut hair and smile that lights up my day.

We were best friends. 

Well, at least that’s how you’ve seen me. But I look at you at a different light. All those hugs and kisses on your cheeks, those laughter and you wiping my tears, I felt that the world was mine.

But who would want the world when you’ve met your moon and stars? You’ve kept your distance and I lost my light. I told you “I love you”  and you answered me, “I know. I’m sorry.” And as I watched our distance grew bigger, I smiled, you were my world, now we’re worlds apart.

Ironic, isn’t it?

[iziallsqueen]

A Series of Sad Girls’ Smiles - Priceless and Penniless

“Effort. If you’re a photographer, take pictures of your partner. If you’re a painter, paint him. An artist, draw him or create for him. Combine your passion with your feelings.

There are a million ways to show effort. It isn’t a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates. It’s going out of your way to show love. Pick a flower, sing a song, dance without music, cook for him, and more. Effort is a little extra. Look in the eyes of your partner after making an effort. There couldn’t be anything more breathtaking in this world.”

I suddenly closed the application when he came in. He smiled and hugged me. I looked in his eyes and intertwined my fingers with his. 

I smiled at him. But I was dying inside.

[iziallsqueen]

How Does It Feel?

How does it feel?

On most days, feeling ‘it’ seemed normal. A day to day smiles and laughter, with friends and family, or loved ones. Everything seemed normal even when life isn’t. But as a wave of a good day hits life, a tsunami of negativity is next to bring you rock bottom. Days of breakdown, weeks of nightmares, months of self pity, and a year of disconnection with people.

Keeping one or two, those people whom you’ve disconnected with wouldn’t understand. You’re the bad guy. You’re the culprit. As you’ve left them, you’ve left your friends but kept one or two. What’s wrong with the rest of them? They wouldn’t stop their world just because you’re busy fighting your demons. They moved on with their life and its without you.

Coming out after a massive war with your inner thoughts is like a everyone else around you had amnesia. Only the fact that they forgot about you. It’s hard to reconnect but harder to fill the gap. So would it be better to be alone? Find new friends?

It should never be an excuse. It should never be a reason for being a shitty person. You can’t show your scars and expect people to come running after you. Even those who are aware of it, no matter how hard they try, gets fed up and leave. It’s alright, though. People coming by and go seemed normal. Like how every shout and blood seemed the only thing to do.

So tell me, how does it feel?

How does depression feel?

-iziallsqueen (C.F.)

[iziallsqueen]

ETHAM NO WYSTA WOHL TE BILM

To you, whom I gave my heart to. You might be tired of hearing this from me but I love you. I really do. For us to came to a point where I see this little ring on my finger, I wonder. I wonder how our story goes up to the bells ringing. What did you even see in me? Out of the billion girls out there, why choose my pathetic self? I'm a crazy stuck up bitch with issues. How can you love someone like me? How can you stay in love with me? Cheers to you for being able to put up with my craziness day by day. Even to ask me to be with you till the end of time. It's just crazy, you know. To be in a place where we could build our own family. I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the mistakes I made and the mistakes that I'll make. I'm not perfect. I just want you to know that I try. I cry a lot, but I always try to fix myself, to fix every bit of me that has been shattered by the past. Waking up beside you everyday, with a really bad breath and a pool of drool in the morning, it would be not pleasing to your eyes. I'm not beautiful or pretty or sexy. Hell, that's why I'm wondering what did you see in me. I would have a lot of scars, from stretch marks to my injuries to self inflicted wounds. I hope you'll never see them as just that as each blood I shed has a story or each mark in my body is a part of a memory. I would probably cook you burnt food and prepare you a bitter coffee. I would probably break a plate or two, or hurt myself in the kitchen. I would try to clean up the house but it'll just end up messier. I would try to do the laundry but it's not guaranteed to be clean. I would try, and I would fail. But please bear with me. I'm sorry for being over-protective and controlling. I'm jealous and bitter and insecure. I probably would nag or drop hints for you to do the things you did for your past lovers to do the same for me. In a sense, I feel like I've won. They don't have something over me. They're not as special as I am because you did everything for me. I'm sorry for fussing over your phone calls and messages. My trust has been broken in the past a few too many times. I trust you, I do. I'm just scared of being left and broken again. I'm a woman of emotions. I might say a lot of hurtful things or do things whimsically. But believe me darling, I'll fight for you 'til the ends of the earth. I like long and meaningful conversations, I'm usually a quiet person but I'll never shut up when I'm with the people I'm comfortable with. I like presents and surprises, maybe that's one of the reason why I'd never leave you, maybe not. I hardly leave people because when I do, it means I'm past my breaking point where I don't really care anymore. I love roses and scrapbooks and journals. I love dogs, you probably love them too. I still wonder what you would be like. Maybe you're not the man whom I expected you to be, but I'll always love you. I expect that we would have a lot of fights given my stubbornness. I thank you for never getting tired of me. I would apologize a lot but would still do it. There's a lot of things I want to say but I guess I'll do that while having breakfast together. But hey, to you, let's have some intellectual and silly conversations in the future. Because as we would grow white hairs together, the only thing that could keep us strong is communication. Words and all. I am excited to finally say "I do." No matter what you look like, or whoever you are, believe me. I would probably walk down the aisle with a messed up make up because I'm too damn happy to keep the tears from falling. ETHAM NO WYSTA WOHL TE BILM, To the man who will be my last, I love you. I really do.