Just to preface this story: I am a Chinese person. I was born there and lived there for some years before moving to America. And my family didn't move to the parts with a lot of Asians, either. We're in the South. Not Deep South, but definitely South. South enough that there are no good authentic Chinese restaurants unless we're willing to drive at least 30 minutes, and even then, the food is still altered to American tastes. One of the restaurants actually used to be really good, a couple years back, but now... yikes. The other is going out of business. Okay, I'm rambling. It's time for the story.
I volunteered somewhere this summer with my sister. Each day was an eight hour long shift, so of course, we needed to eat lunch sometime during that. Unfortunately, neither of us could drive, so we couldn't go out and get food. Thankfully, the place we were volunteering at had a food court, so the first day we went, we bought food from there.
My sister got... Panda Express. Fine by me, I wasn't eating it. We've had Panda Express in the past, so I knew to steer clear. Her meal cost about $13. I, on the other hand, got a Subway sandwich that costed about $26. I'm not too fond of Subway, but at least I don't have to eat whatever horrendous food baby Panda Express is. It's not even like if American fast food was Asian. I'm speaking from experience. For example, KFC in China has creamy ice cream, congee, yóu tíao, zòng zì, and, most importantly, egg tarts. Man, those things were so good... My dad would take me to eat them all the time when I was small, and when we went back to China for a trip, you still had to wait a while to get them. But they were fresh hot, so I couldn't complain.
Anyways, back to the story. So the cards my sister and I used to pay for our food was basically an extension of my dad's so he can see how much we spent and where we spent it. Let's just say... he was NOT happy with the cost of my meal-
And that is why I spent six weeks eating Panda Express for lunch. It is cheap, but it was not worth the stomachaches I had when the foods were too oily. There is, however, one (1) silver lining to this: I have learned much throughout those six weeks, and can now make a list for other poor souls who must eat at the dreaded establishment known as Panda Express.
Do not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES get the orange chicken. This also applies to every other Asian restaurant, whether authentic or not. The chefs will mess up the orange chicken because it was not meant to be made. It shouldn't exist. Chicken should never be orange.
To extend on the previous point, don't get any chicken at all if it's fried, and especially if it's covered in sauce. It will be bad. There are no exceptions to this.
Chicken that's been stir-fried or cooked in some other manner may be okay. It's really a gamble, so I, a person who's not too fond of chicken breast, typically avoid their chicken in general.
Moving away from the topic of chicken, there's also the beef. The beef should be fine as long as it's a normal beef color, not fried, and not slathered in sauce. I once got something called Beijing beef. It was, well, let's just say it wasn't pleasant. Imagine if orange chicken was turned into beef. It was soaked in sauce and slightly crunchy. Why was it crunchy. Beef from Beijing should NOT taste like that. Heck, beef from ANYWHERE shouldn't taste like that-
If there was lamb served at Panda Express or other Americanized Chinese restaurants, I must've forgot, because I didn't get any. So we're moving over that and going straight into shrimp.
I haven't seen this at any other place, so it might just be a Panda Express thing, but the honey walnut shrimp? I can see why that would appeal to Americans. It's fried, sweet, and that's about it. I will admit, it has a nice texture, but that doesn't outweigh the sweetness. Oh god, there's a phrase in Chinese that would fit well here. I don't know how to make my laptop's keyboard Chinese, but it basically means something that's so sweet, it chokes you. Yeah, that's what the honey walnut shrimp is. Don't get it unless you want diabetes or something, idk- It also costs extra.
The unfried shrimp is typically very... texture. Imagine imitation crab was dry and extremely stringy. It's also a bit mushy and chalky. Overall unpleasant and tasteless. Shrimp is not my thing, but if it is yours, it might be okay.
Now to the carbs. At Panda Express, they offer you a choice between noodles, fried rice, and, you have to ask specifically for this, white rice. For the first few times, I didn't get the rice, as I was afraid it would be the same as the rice served at school. That was a mistake.
The noodles are horrendously oily. If you let them sit for a while, there'll be a pool of oil at the bottom. It fills you up so fast. One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man or something, I don't know how the saying goes. I'm too uncultured for this.
By contrast, the rice is as dry as a desert. It's like if they cooked rice and then baked all the water out. It's tolerable, and I'd rather get it than the noodles, because I don't want a stomachache.
That's about all I can remember right now. I don't want to eat Panda Express again, but in the case that I do, I will be conducting more research and adding to this list. If you have your own experiences and want them to be added, please do so, as it may help others o7
