Dissociated states in DID
DIDās a lot easier to explain in pictures, at least for me. See, when you first start learning, you think youāre dealing with something like this:
The inner circles are dissociative parts. Whoeverās holding the star is at the front, in the driverās seat, running the show.
I like to think that the hosts job is a bit more like this: youāre holding the star, but youāre trying to keep communications open with everybody:
Thing is, itās called a dissociative disorder for a reason. Being inside the circle represents being present. As a trauma survivor, your brain has learned to send parts outside the circle as a defense mechanism. Parts can be mentally stuck in the past, depersonalized, derealized, ātriggered outā, etc, pushing their consciousness away from the present. Thatās the world outside the circle.
Even if you feel stable and grounded, connecting to a part that overlaps with the circle can be weird. You can feel their dissociative symptoms but not necessarily understand where itās coming from, or why.Ā Ā
If youāre still following along, letās get real. The idea of such solid boundaries and fixed positions is unrealistic. It makes a good movie plot.Ā
For me, daily life with DID is a lot more like this:
With a few elements I canāt draw:
From hour to hour (or even minute to minute) the star flows between parts. Those switches can be subtle or noticable, depending on the context.Ā
Some parts feel like theyāre way in the back watching, while others feel like theyāre gone. In this scenario, Iām not able to access redās memories or skills but I do know she exists.Ā
Parts overlap.Ā āMixedā is the term my therapist uses.
The circles - all of them - are moving. They yo-yo in and out, or drift around. The overlaps shift too.
I didnāt draw it, but when Nick takes the wheel, his circle tends to squeeze us out by accident. (Weāre working on it).
Thereās also the case of unknown parts, chilling outside the circle completely:
This might happen to a part due to things like stress or exhaustion. The part still exists and it can be partially or completely unaware of whatās going on.Ā
This represents a dissociative fugue:
A part outside the circle takes executive control, leaving the others with time loss and amnesia. The inner parts experience this as a complete or partial blackout.
Finally, this is my best guest atĀ āFeelingĀ Swirlyā:
It happens in the mornings, under stress, when Iām high, and in therapy.Ā
Anyway, thatās the model, and I find it pretty flexible. We use it when weāre reflecting on memories, thoughts, and emotions, trying to figure out wtf happened. There are ugly circles all over our journals, and itās especially helpful in therapy.
How do you folks model your experience of dissociated states? Does this make any sense at all?Ā
No art critiques please, I was aiming for clear rather than pretty ;)
