Puppy's DID ToolBox

Hi! I write about living with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Diagnosed, in therapy, and in my late 30's. 

[puppydeathfarts]

Oh hey - don't do drugs! Not til you're 25 and your brain has stopped developing, then you can fuck it up however you like.

- Deidre

[puppydeathfarts]

see you havent been around here a bit :] i hope that youre doing well!!

I'm alive! I lurk occasionally to check up on old friends :)

[basedandfatpilled-deactivated20]

[puppydeathfarts]

I guess detangling myself from my therapist is almost done, we're looking at final sessions now soon. It's been 4 years and the difference in my life has been dramatic. I'm sad because I'm losing one of the only deep human connections I have, but it's a muted sadness, not apprehension or despair. I'll be fine. Sad is normal and transient and survivable.

And it's not like I don't have a copy inside anyway right? 🙃 😒 😑 🙄 😐

[puppydeathfarts]

"Deep friendships weren’t a very comfortable idea when I felt like everything personal about myself was wrong."

Oof this spicy book calling me out

[puppydeathfarts]

It's from Cute But Psycho, a paranormal reverse harem, 5/5 chilli peppers, enjoyed the smutt immensely, check the content warning marketing.

[puppydeathfarts]

"Deep friendships weren’t a very comfortable idea when I felt like everything personal about myself was wrong."

Oof this spicy book calling me out

[smugcomputer]

capybara!

[puppydeathfarts]

She-Hulk is on the campy silly side of the Marvel universe but it actually shocked me with its accuracy in episode 1!

Bruce expects it to take his cousin "5 years best case" to integrate her personalities, or more, but hopefully less than the 17 years it took him. She does it instantly and he's adorably confused. I loved the subtle nod to the fact that he still doesn't understand he has a dissociative disorder.

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A male colleague has a title his experience doesn't justify. Higher than mine despite my scope, responsibilities, and budget being literally ten times higher than his.

I'm very angry.

I'm trying to channel that into positive action via revenge fantasies about becoming his boss and firing him. (If I want to be his boss, I need to work harder/better/smarter than I am now).

Now I've written that out I'm seeing some flaws in this approach. It's the way a part of me handles resentment at work and it's a pattern. Lot's of positive intention behind it, I can see that. But there's something wrong with this approach and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Maybe this part just needs to hear: "yes, that's unfair as fuck".

[puppydeathfarts]

I'm venting again because this is still making me angry and I really don't know what to do with that emotion.

He's responsible for 5 people and one small component of software that a few million people use a month. I'm responsible for 60 people, multiple stacks, in more counties on more devices, and we get over a hundred million users monthly.

Like literally How. Is. This. Fair.

He kissed the right ass harder and longer, he's a male in a bro club. It's NOT fair and that's such bullshit.

Bleh.

[puppydeathfarts]

This storyline is still going btw. His software got defunded significantly. He got promoted to Director. Sigh.

[puppydeathfarts]

Thank you all so much for those responses and the asks. They provided perspective and clarity and wisdom, and I really needed that.

[puppydeathfarts]

Tw! trigger city for csa.

Our new therapist got points this week. "Let's not bother ourselves with what your mother thinks or feels about that, I care about you." It was perfectly timed to pull me out of the hole I'd fallen into. To remind me who I live for now (hint: it's me!) We worked through it enough that I can think about it without insta tears.

Which makes me want to ask something I never could before, and certainly couldn't ask people I know irl. The question is banging around my head. And maybe it's something you can't answer without having walked in my shoes, through my hell. Maybe I'm just looking for validation and approval around the choice I made to go no contact. But maybe someone out there understands the lingering stink of guilt.

My question (anons open too)-

If your mom got blackout drunk and sexually assaulted you, would you ever tell her? Is running away from that disclosure cowardly? Or brave? Do I owe her the truth?

[puppydeathfarts]

This podcast about dopamine is more useful than all of so-called health class in school.

Ggwp education system, glad I know a dozen digits of Pi and how to resolve differential equations

/s

[puppydeathfarts]

Do we need a support group for folk the r/DID mods hurt? Yikes. Suicide bait was my limit. That's always going to be a hard nope for me. I struggle with attributing responsibily (knowing my boundaries) enough as it is.

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I'm not on reddit for DID stuff. Whats wrong with their subreddit?

In my experience most of the mods were toxic and petty children. They were dicks to me, I was a dick back, and we all went our seperate ways years ago.

[puppydeathfarts]

There's mod drama on the DID subreddit and I'm so here for it. Couldn't happen to a more deserving group of turd nuggets.

[puppydeathfarts]

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. I need an emotional support coconut, stat.

"I know I like to play games and dance and do stupid shit, but I’m an adult. A killer. I hold onto the magic in the world because there’s so little of it that’s truly there. So I create it for myself instead. I run and play and skip and do whatever the fuck I like because I don’t have to do what society expects me to do. I’m free of those binds, unlike every other adult on this planet. I didn’t conform. I don’t school my features, or tuck my head down when someone looks at me weird. I don’t correct my behaviour, I don’t try to fit in. Because fitting in is so very fucking boring. It’s a cage that everyone walks so willingly into just so they don’t stand out. Teenagers put their dolls down, hide their favourite toys and cringe if their friends ever find them. But why do we have to put the dolls down, Hellfire? Why can’t I like glitter and fairies and jumping on trampolines just because society decided I’m not allowed to play anymore? It’s crab shit."

“It’s not about being a grown up, it’s about doing whatever we feel like doing, because why the hell not? Why should we put ourselves in a box, dampen our smiles, hold back the skip in our steps when our feet itch to dance? Why shouldn’t our emotions pour out of us whenever the wind changes? If I get mad, I wanna be ragingly fucking mad, and if I’m happy I want to be ragingly fucking happy, Hellfire. I don’t want to hold it all in and pretend I’m mature, because no one’s really mature. They’re all just playing the biggest game of pretend in the history of pretending. And everyone just…goes along with it. They let life grind them down into a ghost of the fun person they used to be, the one who followed their dreams and whims and never gave a shit if some boring Betty told them not to. But eventually, bit by bit, they gave into the pressures of society and one day, poof, the real them disappeared. And maybe eventually they’ll look up and realise how much time they wasted pretending to be as dull as everybody else."

"Nothing matters. None of it. If I walk down the street tomorrow wearing a huge crown, a bright pink ball gown, have my face painted up as a lizard and do a rumba for a mile, people will look and judge and maybe even laugh, they might even go home and tell all their boring little friends about it. But I won’t remember them, and not a single thought they think about me will ever affect me. See, we figured out the key to life, didn’t we? The second you stop giving a crap, it all slots together. Because in a hundred years we’ll all be dead and gone anyway and everything everyone thought was important wasn’t. It was all just a veil upon a veil of societal bullshit that suppressed generations of people who kept handing it down to each other time after time, blinding them to the truth. We might be cracked in the head, maybe even as crazy as a bag of coots. But when I die, I’ll know I burned every last drop of fuel in my soul and felt that fire blazing each day I drew breath on this earth. I’ll know I was real and never held myself in check for the sake of suiting someone else’s expectations."

[puppydeathfarts]

Summer finally arrived!