The Sunflower Poet

Hi I’m Juan, these are my thoughts finally being written down to finally make sense of my emotional storm.

[j-paco-hernandez]

Exhausted

Panic attacks are exhausting.

Mental illness is exhausting.

Being swallowed by depression for days—

that is exhausting.

Anxiety claws at the mind

until even breathing feels like work.

And people ask why.

They always ask why.

Why would someone do that?

Because they were tired.

Not lazy.

Not weak.

Just tired in a way sleep cannot fix.

Tired of hiding the shaking hands

so the people we love won’t worry.

Tired of pretending

we’re not quietly falling apart.

Our partners grow tired.

Our families grow tired.

Tired of the silence.

Tired of not understanding.

And we grow tired too.

Because our minds never stop.

They run all night,

all day,

like a storm trapped behind the ribs.

Dreams dissolve in medication bottles.

And the only peace we ever touch

is those four or five hours

of forced silence

called sleep.

So if one day

I become another question—

another whispered “why?”

Just remember this:

I fought like hell.

But even the strongest fighters

collapse eventually.

And sometimes

the only thing left

after years of war

is exhaustion.

-J.P. Hernandez 🌻

[j-paco-hernandez]

“Connection”

How do I disconnect from you?

Your name. Your picture. Even the smallest reminder of you still makes my heart soften in ways I wish it didn’t. It makes me smile… and ache at the same time.

Did I ever matter to you?

Did I ever truly exist in your heart the way you existed in mine?

Honestly, part of me thinks it’s easier not to know. Maybe unanswered questions hurt less than the possibility that the love I felt so deeply was something you could simply walk away from.

How do you wake up and not think about me?

Do you ever wonder if I’m okay?

If I ate that day?

If I’m sleeping… or if I’m still lying awake trying to understand how something that meant everything to me could become nothing to you?

This will probably be the hardest chapter of my life, and the most painful part is knowing you may never even realize it… or worse, that it never mattered enough for you to notice.

I had two choices in this moment:

I could grow bitter and walk away in anger, or I could walk away in love.

I chose love.

I choose to leave with the same heart I gave you—kind, honest, and full of dignity. Because I know the value of what I offered you. I know the love I carried for you was real. I know the future I was willing to risk everything for.

Maybe to you I was only a moment… a connection that was convenient while it lasted.

But to me, you were my best friend.

You were the man I was willing to risk it all for.

And maybe that’s the cruelest part of love—

that sometimes the person who meant the world to you

was never holding the world the same way you were

-J.P Hernandez 🌻🤟

[j-paco-hernandez]

“Used”

You never really had the intention of staying, did you?

And somehow that’s the part that hurts the most—

realizing I was building a future

with someone who was already halfway gone.

I built a home out of your voice,out of your smile,

out of the quiet way you said my name—never

realizing I was livingin something temporary.

I feel used.

Replaceable.

Like I was just a chapter you skimmed through

while I was reading every word like it was sacred.

I wish I could feel what you feel—

maybe then I’d understand

how you became so distant

while I was still trying to become better

for us.

I know I’m not perfect.

But I was willing to grow,

to change,

to fight for something I believed in.

Now I’m left here

learning how to rebuild a version of myself

from the quiet wreckage you left behind.

The strangest part is…

I want to hate you.

It would be easier.

Cleaner.

But I can’t.

Because the truth is

I loved you

with a depth that doesn’t just disappear

because things ended.

I don’t get sad because I resent you.

I get sad because I miss you.

Your voice.

Your smile.

The way loving you once felt like home.

Some days feel pointless now.

Like I’m just moving through time

instead of living in it.

So I’m learning to find new reasons to keep going.

And wherever you are,

I hope my absence finally brings you

the peace and happiness

that my presence never could.

-J.P.Hernandez 🌻🌻

[j-paco-hernandez]

“When I First Met You”

When I first met you, I truly believed I had found my person.

I let myself believe in love.

I was young, and maybe a little naive, but in that moment it felt real. I thought my forever had just walked into my life. For the first time, I allowed myself to dream about home — not a place, but a feeling. A future where I could finally be happy. A life where I could exist in peace beside someone who chose me every day.

And for a while, it felt like that was exactly what we had.

You poured into me in ways I didn’t even know I needed. You made me believe that love could be soft, safe, and real. But somewhere along the way, that version of us slipped through our hands, and now… it’s something that no longer exists.

Don’t get me wrong — I still believe in those things.

In love. In peace. In finding home within another person.

But now I understand that those things are not easy to obtain. Sometimes you have to walk through fire and smoke just to find yourself again. Sometimes love teaches you lessons you never asked for. Lessons about patience, about understanding, about seeing someone else’s pain and fear and realizing it mattered just as much as your own.

I learned so much from you.

But now I find myself asking the questions that echo in the quiet moments…

How do I really feel about you now?

The truth is, deep down, a part of me will probably always believe you were my soulmate. And a part of me will probably always love you.

But I also wonder every day if I ever truly knew you at all.

And sometimes the question that hurts the most is the simplest one:

Did you ever really love me?

There are so many questions I could spend a lifetime chasing answers to. But I’m learning that sometimes healing means walking away from the answers altogether.

Maybe it’s better not to know.

This is the year I leave my Libra behind.

They say if you love something, you set it free. So my love… you are free now. Go find your happiness. Go live the life you are meant to live.

And I will do the same.

I will grow. I will rebuild. I will learn how to create my own happiness again.

Every day, I feel myself slowly disconnecting from you. Not because I want to… but because I have to. I’m forcing my heart to unlearn you. Forcing my mind to reset. Building new dreams where you no longer exist.

The future we once imagined together has been carried away by the winds of life.

Now it’s just a memory.

And one day, I know I will become one too —

a distant thought,

a nameless person that once existed in your story.

But for now…

I’m still the person who loved you with everything I had.

-J.P. Hernandez 🌻🌻

[j-paco-hernandez]

“Smile through it.”

It was a small mindset I told myself when I was younger. As a child, I was afraid to be alone. I truly believed that to have a successful life you needed a lot of friends, a big family circle, and endless connections. I thought happiness meant always being surrounded by people.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that isn’t necessarily true.

Somewhere along the way, I discovered that I actually thrive in being alone. In the quiet. In the stillness where nothing is demanding my attention except my own thoughts. There’s something powerful about sitting with yourself and learning who you are when the noise fades.

My mind can be both the best and the worst thing to listen to. It can build me up with ideas, reflection, and understanding. But it can also be tricky, pulling me into overthinking, doubt, and memories that don’t always serve me.

Sunflowers have always been my favorite flower. Something about them has always given me confidence. They stand tall, bright, and bold, always turning toward the light no matter where it is. Even on cloudy days, they still grow, still stand, still reach.

I recently saw a picture of a man with a sunflower as his face, and in a strange way it reminded me of myself. Like a sunflower that hasn’t fully bloomed yet. A flower that, under the right circumstances, the right light, and the right care, would open up and show the world something beautiful.

Maybe that’s what I’m still learning how to do.

I hope one day I can be completely true to myself. I hope one day I can bloom—not for the world, not for approval, but simply for myself.

-J.P Hernandez 🌻

[j-paco-hernandez]

My heart Yearns

Sometimes when my mind is overwhelmed with emotion, my ability to write becomes almost perfect. It’s like the chaos inside me suddenly finds a voice, and for a moment everything becomes clear on the page even if it isn’t clear in my head.

But that clarity comes from a place that scares me. My own mind can feel like a sickness sometimes. I fear the things it makes me feel, the things it makes me say when my emotions are too big for me to hold. Because of that, the idea of letting someone get close again is terrifying.

How can I love someone when I’m constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing? Afraid that my mind will betray me? Afraid that the parts of me I can’t control will end up hurting someone who didn’t deserve it?

I’ve started to believe that maybe the only real peace I can have is in solitude. Being alone. Focusing on myself. Not because I hate people, but because I want to protect them… and maybe protect myself too.

I’ve learned a few painful truths about love.

You can’t love someone into loving you. It doesn’t matter how much you give, how hard you try, how much time, energy, or pieces of yourself you sacrifice. If someone doesn’t intend to love you, they simply won’t. No amount of effort can force a heart to change.

I’ve also learned that you can’t become someone else just to be loved. You can bend, you can try, you can reshape parts of yourself hoping it will be enough, but at the end of the day you are still you.

And I am someone whose mind is always in turmoil.

I live with Bipolar. My thoughts don’t move in straight lines. My emotions don’t stay quiet. Some days my mind feels like a storm that never fully passes.

So I’ve come to believe something else about love.

If someone can’t bring peace into the chaos I already fight every day, then they shouldn’t stay. Not because they’re bad people, and not because I’m asking to be saved… but because love shouldn’t feel like another war I have to survive.

It wouldn’t be fair to them. And it wouldn’t be fair to me.

-J.P Hernandez 🌻

[pink-heart-writes]

[whendidmythoughtsgocrazy]

I would have kept choosing you forever but you made me choose myself.

k.b. // by @/brennenbeckwith - tiktok

[paper-wounds]

[j-paco-hernandez]

I just hate how my family has unintentionally ruined my ability to feel complete and enough. I just don’t feel worthy or valued enough. I’m so critical of myself and completely turn off emotionally. I’m scared to be happy and question any love coming from anyone. I don’t believe people choose me unless they need something from me.

And being distance and setting boundaries from them makes me slowly heal and feel better about myself

I hate that I don’t hate them , I love them so it’s a weird feeling and I don’t know how to deal with it

I’m sorry see I’m more fucked up than even I realized some times. It’s why I’ll understand if you ever decide to move on from me. You deserve a more stable and balance person with a healthier mindset hahaha

[j-paco-hernandez]

I believe everyone has a soulmate but I don’t. My mind is so broken and I was born without one. I have always learned to be alone and cope alone. I’m okay with that, now I know to never let myself fall in love or let them fall in with someone like me. I’m okay knowing I’ll never feel a broken heart again

[j-paco-hernandez]

February 13, 2022:

Today I felt so I overwhelmed at times, had to step away from other people. It’s hard to stay focus and i feel like I’m not wanted. I feel like maybe I’m a bother to other people. And I want to be happy around my friends and family. It’s so hard to find the words when people ask me “how i am” or “what’s wrong” . I just want to scream I’M NOT OKAY. Yet i don’t want people to see me as weak. Honestly i hate being told to pray about it. It’s hard to tell God I’m struggling i feel like maybe God left my side a long time ago. How can someone love someone like me. Deep down i need a lot of help, and therapy. I have never been able to fully believe i have purpose in life. I never want people to feel like i do. Alone, afraid and in a dark tunnel of endless emotions. So many people want to help me but it makes me feel do abnormal. I want to sunshine, and help other but i want to focus on my self healing before anything else. I want to find that person who can be other half and will hopefully understand all the things i went through and how even though i can’t always say things out loud will understand how i feel. I will focus on my mind, spirit and body for the next 56 days. How can I change how i feel, how can i feel better about myself and how can i opne up to others.

God help me find my connection to you again, how can I smile and feel true bliss of happiness. I want to apologize I want I to be happy and If ever walk away from you, and no longer call your name I’m sorry. I promise to have you in my heart. Encourage others to search for you. And give strength to my family and friends if i one day I’m not strong enough to keep going. Amen.

[j-paco-hernandez]

Work hard to achieve Greatness…😊🙌😊🙌

[j-paco-hernandez]

Nursing School sucks

It's been a crazy today but i have to keep moving forward and not let go of the hope of being a nurse one day, i've made it this far... keep going all my fellow nursing students.

[heavenlydolphins]

“We’re just suicidal kids, telling other suicidal kids, that suicide isn’t the answer.”

— quats

[poetsbloom]

Swim

If you want to see how bad I'm coping

Just dive within my words

Read all these poems

Swim through my pain

Please see how bad it really is.

I struggle to tell you when I'm drowning

These words are my only warning signs

But alas,

You do not swim.

[moncheriie-deactivated20200814]

𝘄𝗲𝗱𝗻𝗲𝘀𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀 🌱

it's okay if you did nothing today but rest your heart and breathe. you deserve it.

if someone said something mean to you, it doesn't define you, but it says a lot about them.

stop waiting for next week or next month. take the risk and do it now. you will never know, unless you try it.

you should believe in yourself because we do.

there's always a room for growth and improvement, so don't pressure yourself too much. you'll get there in the end.

it's okay to not be okay.

you are enough, what you do is enough. you are amazing. you are loved. you matter in this world, don't let other people make you think otherwise.