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crushes never have been healthy to my brain ever like if i'm going to obsess and crash out for a month straight over a kpop group wtf am i going to do with someone i see semi regularly in normal situations like obviously my mind is going to blow things out of proportion and self cannibalise itself in those dopamine hits over and over and over again. never in my life has a crush been not an obsession that burns into me for months with no actual real life change and part of me needs to accept that in order to have any sway on them irl is to keep showing up and to progressively become closer as oppose to this magical point at which everything actuates and boom! we are together and know everything about each other and it all works out. because funnily enough this is not how most things work in life

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so used overindulging myself and treating myself shittily i have no reference frame as to what taking care of myself looks like and view normal and regular habits as ones that i will never achieve nor could possibly associate with myself

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the need to be without anxiety has become so bad that i might actually go to the gp about it for once............... it's been years and i can't keep going like this, it's ruined my life i just want something back, something for myself something to know i can be fixed and worth something to people i need to get better not stay the same

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has anything changed i'm still in this bed, thsi house, this mind that jsut wants to deteriorate. do i ever improve

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5 years on what on earth has fkn changed with me? absolute nothing

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it's been a year and i thought i'd changed, thought i actually do know how to make friends, got good grades and pushed myself, turns out i'm a fucking fool who sits their and talks to nobody with nothing to show for it i hate it i hate it i hate it

[j006-dotsvg]

hate how my mother raises her voice. she might not even be mad but her tone just feels demeaning and condescending and it instantly gives me fight or flight. then if she uses tagalog ( my parents are filo but i'm raised in uk so eng is my first lang ) and she just raises her voice just an ounce i clam up immediately

[inritum]

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

[j006-dotsvg]

... exam results came in... all a's except from a b in physics which actually shouldn't be the end of the world but i am so terrified abt applying to uni bc what the fuck is an engineering student with a b in physics and no fucking extracurriculars like i genuinely have done nothing i am so scared i feel like i've thrown every chance out the window i i don't know what

[j006-dotsvg]

i wonder if they choose to ignore me or do i really just speak that quietly

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last year of high school and i have never felt lonelier

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for the playlist makers out there in the world can i get one for "my regrets keep piling up i don't know i should keep trying anymore" songs for the crowd

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dad's being petty and just content blocked ao3 off my phone so i'm just going to start stealing and binning his cigs

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AHH when he's the embodiment of the most adorable not shy but shy poodle you've ever met and you're the black cat that's actually a ray of sunshine

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gotta love a pre school cry

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AHHHH BIGGEST CRUSH ON THIS GUY IN MY PHYSICS CLASS AHHH he's so so smart and a literal green flag it's it's AHHH

[j006-dotsvg]

my anxiety is actually so annoying to deal with, there's so many times I want to just talk normally and socialise and feel in the moment with people, but I just can't bring myself to say anything i miss out on so many opportunities and i look back with regrets every time