J420 News Editing Project

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Dead Construction

Dead Construction: Dead constructions usually begin with "there is" or "this is", and are known for making a sentence or phrase sound passive.

"There was an all-male version of the Go-Gos..."

This dead construction makes the reference to the bands sound weak, although I feel its acceptable since it is talking about multiple subjects in a series.

Correction:

"An all-male version of the Go-Goes and a female-fronted Joy Division could not compete with the the Sleepies' impressive version of the Pixies' "Gigantic.""

Source: http://www.nylonmag.com/?section=article&parid=8712

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Story with No News Peg

Story with No News Peg: A story with no news peg is a story with little to no newsworthiness, making it almost pointless to its audience.

While this story about primates suffering from a mid-life crisis is entertaining, it offers no news value. Its research came from a study that was conducted a month ago, which gets rid of any timeliness value the story could have. There are also little-to-no places in Champaign-Urbana where primates are thriving, so the audience wouldn't even be able to witness this phenomenon.

Correction:

Because this story is a column, I dont think it would be fair to delete it. Although I would find a more relatable topic to talk about, such as a dog going through a mid-life crisis.

source: http://www.news-gazette.com/news/people/2012-12-02/reluctant-townie-how-spot-midlife-monkey-crisis.html

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Unnecessary Passive Voice

Unnecessary Passive Voice: This error occurs when a sentence uses passive voice when it is not important, in turn making the sentence weak. This example shows how passive voice makes Pitt seem like less of an active participant in his movie role as Jackie Cogan.

"The movie stars Pitt as professional enforcer Jackie Cogan, who is charged with investigating a robbery at a mob-protected game."

Correction: I would delete the "is charged with" phrase, which is a passive phrase.

"The movie stars Pitt as professional enforcer Jackie Cogan, who investigates a robbery at a mob-protected poker game."

Source: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/box-office-report-brad-pitts-396632

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Wild Card: Lack of Subject

Lack of Subject: This errors in this sentence when it refers to a subject that is not in the sentence.

"Diagnosed with a terminal form of leukodystrophy, one of a group of extremely rare genetic disorders that attack Myelin, or white matter, in the nervous system, spinal cord, and brain."

Correction:

For the correction, I would make the disease the subject of the sentence, since its the only subject being described. This would also flow better with the following sentence, which then turns the focus to the Clark brothers.

"This terminal form of leukodystrophy is a group of extremely rare genetic disorders that attack the Myelin, or white matter, in the nervous system, spinal cord, and brain. In the Clarks' case..."

Source: http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/real-benjamin-buttons-brothers-matthew-michael-clark-aging-193400085.html

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Poor Word Choice

Poor Word Choice: This error occurs when a writer makes an incorrect description of a subject, which is the example error in this story.

"Matthew and Michael Clark are Aging Backwards."

Correction:

The headline should instead say regressing instead of aging backwards, since the brothers are still physically growing old, but are just mentally deteriorating.

Source: http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/real-benjamin-buttons-brothers-matthew-michael-clark-aging-193400085.html

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Punctuation

Punctuation: Punctuation issues occur when a writer uses the incorrect, or no, punctuation mark in a sentence, causing confusion with the main point of the sentence.

"The teens developed and delivered....44.00 worth."

The 44.00 is ambiguous-- $44.00 worth? or 44 cents?

Correction:

I would figure out the right amount of money the teens actually collected.

Full Story Source: http://homewood-flossmoor.patch.com/blog_posts/talks-first-year

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Stereotypical Reference: Racism

Racism: The topic of racism is apparent in this story, and although it is not using stereotypical or racist terms to offend its audience, it still spells out a racist term as it describes a scenario.

"...when teaching Latin American politics he explained the origin of the word "wetbacks," which refers to immigrants crossing the Rio Grande."

Correction:

I feel that the News-Gazette's decision to publish the word was acceptable, only because its used in an un-bias way to describe an event. This description of the word also provides background on where it came from, which allows the audience to be more informed rather than offended. The word is used in an educational sense and not in an offensive way.

Source: http://www.news-gazette.com/opinions/editorials/2012-12-02/george-will-only-campuses-could-reading-book-be-racist.html

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Wordiness

Wordiness: This error occurs when a sentence uses unneeded words to describe a subject.

"Police say...breath smelled of alcohol...unable to stand without using his car for support. He failed an eye fiel sobriety test, according to reports."

This description could be simplified by just saying that Rinkenberger was very intoxicated and failed his eye movement field sobriety test.

Full Story Source: http://homewood-flossmoor.patch.com/articles/allegedly-drunk-man-crashes-into-semi

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Fact Error

Fact Error: A fact error is an error in the main fact of the story. Fact errors can deal with mistakes in the time and place of an event, a misspelling or wrongly-named subject in a story, and anything else that can majorly affect the main facts of a story.

""A Christmas Carol" will be presented Saturday, December 5, at 11 a.m."

The problem with this sentence is that Dec. 5, is on a Wednesday of this year, not Saturday. The second sentence, saying that "The Nutcracker" will be performed on Saturday, Dec. 8, makes the dates more confusing, since ther is no possible way there can be two Saturdays within three days.

Correction:

I would re-write the sentence and provide a note giving the actual dates of the performances.

Full Story Here: http://homewood-flossmoor.patch.com/articles/a-christmas-carol-and-the-nutcracker-proclaim-holiday-season-at-governors-state-c408d6ff

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Misleading Numbers in a Story or Graphic

Misleading Numbers in a Story or Graphic: This error occurs when the numbers in a story or graphic don't match up, or make sense, to the major abstract of the story. These numbers can either be too large or too small for them to be accurate to the data in the story.

"Walton Street penthouse, $16,75 million."

This number first seemed suspicious because it was in a ranked story, where it was on the descending side of the real estate price spectrum, already passing $15 million. I didn't think it made any sense for a ranking to go from $15 million, to $16,75 million then back to $14 million in a ranked story. Also, $16,75 million as a number makes no sense.

Correction:

I think this number was supposed to read as $16.75 million, which would make more sense relative to its rank.

Full Story Here: http://www.chicagotribune.com/classified/realestate/luxury/chi-luxury-real-estate-20120925,0,5629259.photogallery

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Main Noun Too Far Away From the Main Verb

Main Noun Too Far Away From the Main Verb: This problem occurs when a writer attempts to cram in too much information about a subject into a sentence. Not only does this make a long run-on sentence, it also creates distance between the main subject, or noun, and its action or purpose, which is usually the verb.

"The only trouble with this plan is that mixed income developments (which are a fairly profitable business for those involved), while improving the look of this "gateway" area to our city, in reality do little to benefit those who are in need."

This sentence is confusing because of its long phrases separated by commas, contrasting phrases, and most importantly, the fact that the main noun is too far away from its verb. The sentence also confuses the reader by placing the contrasting views of how mixed income developments can help and hurt the community in the same sentence. 

Because the main point of this part of the article was not about mixed incomes, the sentence can be deleted. The sentence can also be corrected expanding the idea of the one sentence into two sentences.

"The mixed income developments do little to benefit those in need, even though they improve the look of the area's "gateway area" to the city. In reality, these developments only benefit those who are involved in a fairly profitable business in the area."

Full Story Here: http://www.smilepolitely.com/news/central_champaign_make-over_in_the_works/

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Parallelism

Parallelism: When a sentence has a similar structure within a series of related words, phrases, or clauses, it has a parallel structure, or parallelism. Parallelism is a good sentence characteristic because it helps with the flow of how the sentence is read.

"There will also be bulk stuff, like noodles and rice and honey, a range of cheesey selections, and, of course, your meat-ordering truck."

This sentence was taken from the Smile Politely article called "Market Watch: November 3, 2012", written on Nov. 2, 2012 by Amanda Murphyao. The writer lacks parallelism when she used multiple different phrases such as "like" and "of course" in her series, instead of describing the series with a uniform phrase or structure. Adding "like" and "of course" also makes the sentence sound less professional and more like she was having a conversation with a friend.

The sentence can be corrected by using a uniform structure or phrase. For example, the sentence can read "There will also be a selection of bulk noodles, rice and honey, a range of cheesy selections, and a meat-ordering truck."

There is also a misspelling in the story; "cheesey" should be spelled as "cheesy."

Full Story Here:

http://www.smilepolitely.com/food/market_watch_november_3_2012/

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Dangling Modifier

Dangling Modifier: a word, phrase, or clause that modifies something that it's not supposed to modify, or modifies something that is not in the sentence at all.

"In Hoboken, which was hit hard by Hurricane Sandy, the voting machines were delivered to the polling places before the storm, and now many are damaged."

This sentence, which was the pull-out sentence of The Daily Beast article" Scramble Ahead of Election Day in Areas Hardest Hit by Sandy” by Ben Jacobs, has a dangling modifier that makes the sentence read slow and unclear. While the main point of the sentence was that Hoboken voting machines were damaged by Hurricane Sandy, the writer struggled to get to the point. The dangling modifier of this sentence was "and now many are damaged" because, although it was the main point of the sentence, it is thrown at the end as if a side note.

One solution to this dangling modifier is to simplify the sentence:

"Hoboken is one of the hardest hit cities by Hurricane Sandy, and many of the polling booths delivered before the storm are now damaged."

Full Story Here: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/11/03/scramble-ahead-of-election-day-in-areas-hardest-hit-by-sandy.html

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Wild Card: Typo

Typo: a typed error.

"But it took me a while to like what I've doneI was scared to sing this song."

This typo was found in a quote in Nylon Magazine's song premiere review of band Madrid's song "Bride Dress in a Frame." The review, written on Nov. 1, 2012, by Rebecca Willa Davis, is well versed with colorful language and descriptions of the mood the band creates with the new song.The article fell off when Davis deleted the period between "done" and "I", causing the typo "doneI". This mistake not only caused her a typo but also caused her to misquote the Madrid band member.

The typo could have been easily avoided if the editor had glanced it over before it was published. Now, the typo could be fixed by correcting the error, and putting a note somewhere in the story that the review was edited. Since this is a slight correction, I dont think there would be a need to delete the story or put up a link for a brand new story page.

Correction: 

"But it took me a while to like what I've done. I was scared to sing the song."

Full Story Here: http://www.nylonmag.com/?section=article&parid=8679

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Cliche

Cliche: a trite, or an overused phrase, expression, or idea. (noun)

"Unlike baseball, there can be no rain delay for Election Day."

This cliche was the first sentence of the lede graph in The Daily Beast article "Scramble Ahead of Election Day in Areas Hardest Hit by Sandy", written on Nov. 3 2012, by Ben Jacobs. This cliche, which relates the possibility of delaying the Election day for the northeastern states affected to Hurricane Sandy, to a baseball game cancellation because of rain. Although Jacobs tries to relate the two phrases with the rain metaphor, the cliche loses its power when relating major regional hurricane damage to a potentially muddy baseball field sandlot. 

This lede can be fixed by deleting the baseball game cliche and focusing on the main point of the story, which is that northeastern residents will vote on time for the presidential elections, regardless of the Hurricane Sandy destruction.

Correction:

"Despite the destruction, northeastern residents are still expected to vote on schedule for the presidential elections."

Full Story Here: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/11/03/scramble-ahead-of-election-day-in-areas-hardest-hit-by-sandy.html