I truly believe God made me good at a lot of things because His plan is that I’m going to be alone the rest of my life. I need to be financially independent, emotionally independent, physically independent. Nobody outside of church would want me because of my devotion to my duty. Nobody in church would want me because of the monster I am. I truly believe God has been preparing me for this life since I was a child.
And whether I felt love once in my life, whether real or not, at least I know what it kind of felt like. So I don’t have to go my whole life not knowing what it felt like to not have been love, it probably wasn’t love. Because im going to be alone the rest of my life.
14. Some days I lose count. Cant believe it's been this long. There are more neutral or easier days than difficult days. So that's nice. As time passes, I'm not as sad as I used to be. I guess the memory just keeps getting more distant. But I am bummed out that every year my circle gets smaller and smaller. Maybe the past few years I havent had a circle at all. So in that sense it's been hard. But I'm dealing with it. I've prayed for contentment for years, because I knew this is where I'd be. It's time that I live in being alone, that I knew this would happen to me even when I was a child. But I'm also glad I kept busy today. Not sure how'd I be if I had more time to myself today and if this day got to me. I'm still grateful for all the time spent. And I will continue to work on myself at a distance. My yearly check in. And as always, me rambling. I hope you're well.
That’s why you never liked me. I’m impulsive.
Why would I think? I need to nuke my social media.
Yo wtf am i chopped liver?!?! Fucking have no friends. Always hanging out without me. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
It’s probably because it’s October. It’s getting colder. Darker. Loneliness is kicking in. But my social battery can’t even. But I hate looking at social media and I’m not invited to all of these things. But I know I did this to myself.
Sleeping during the day today for night shift, I dreamt you had a gift for me. It was keys to an apartment you wanted to rent and you wanted a roommate. I was hesitant because I wanted to ensure my parents would be ok if I moved and the financial issue they might have because I wouldn’t be able to give them money while living with you. But I also didn’t want to say no to you. Woke up reaching into my pocket with nothing in them.
Short dream. But I guess you’re still in my subconscious. Or maybe because it’s October. But idk, it’s been years, we have both lived lives in that time.
Gym thoughts: I don’t need more friends. But I do need friends.
