It has been nearly 5 years since my oldest friends, and my ex-girlfriend found her mother, murdered, on her kitchen floor in a pool of her own blood and brain matter (that in itself is a story for another time). To this moment, that 20 minutes we spent hoping against all hope that our efforts to save her life were anything more than a waste of time is something I can close my eyes and replay frame by frame, in perfect high definition. I can recall every smell, feeling, word, emotion. It doesn’t affect me like it used to. I used to have these weird blackout/flashback moments were I’d go totally limp, and just live it like someone had a projector inside my head and decided I needed to see it again. Completely fucked. My ex used to have to just sit there and watch it, try and keep me in the land of the living. I’m not sure how it looked on the outside, but on the inside it really did drive me right to the absolute edge of my sanity. I was medicated out of my mind, I was a cigarette paper from saying ‘enough’. I was totally out of control, I turned to alcohol, drugs, whatever I could get my hands on. I used people endlessly, and that’s a monumental regret. I basically spent three years destroying myself on a nightly basis because it meant that for a few hours I could at least feel something other than total despair and desperate mental agony. It took years of counselling, medication and serious re-adjustment to reality to understand it wasn’t my fault. I was just a victim of circumstance, bad timing and then some really ill-advised decisions. My own, I was old enough to know.
These days, it is what it is. A horrific moment. I’ve filed it away, I keep an eye out for what the others are up to and what they’re doing and how they’re doing. I was dubbed a hero for what I did, or attempted rather, that day. Never sat entirely comfortably with me. I think it was purely coincidence, I was the only one who didn’t immediately get totally blown away by the ridiculous scene presented to them. My immediate thought was everyone else, and then trying to save the victim of a brutal murder. I was blown away later, in a much more obscene and hurtful manner. But in 9 days it will have been five years. I wonder what they’re all up to..
yousharknotpass
pixelskylines
annaxmalina
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
jacobvanloon
discoholicmusic
