[fluffydancer618]

Good morning, what the fuck was I cooking in here

[lakevida]

toddlers are walking across keyboards to send lies to me

[sreegs]

catching a glimpse of your computer screen when the sunlight hits it: oh ok, i must be a spittle machine. I must be slobbering globs of spit everywhere in a 90 degree arc at all times. and rubbing my greasy paws on the screen without knowing it. i must be some sort of disgusting beast.

[fakesleepwalking]

phone in bed can range from comforting to mundane but phone in parked car will have you feeling like you've never done anything right in your entire life

[visenyaism]

For the thought crime of experiencing optimism you have been sentenced to five years of propeller hat and rainbow lollipop

[philcollinsenjoyer]

Thank you divorce for all you've done for music

[segamascott]

[coast-modern]

isn't it kind of crazy that for any moving vehicle you need to wear a seatbelt but then on buses they're just like fuck it stand up whatever

[noknowshame]

the water in hotel showers will do things to the texture of your hair you didn’t even know were possible

[sawed-on-shotgun]

hello my name is Stray Hair snd my big dream is to play the itsy bitsy spider on broadway. doyou mind if i practice on the side of your head.

[cottoncandylesbo]

oh fuck... the adderall has hit my system... the change, it's happening... grRRRGH...!! get away from me, before it's too late...!!

(flails on the ground, then stands up and does the dishes)

[queermasculine]

im not above eating some low hanging fruit like if theres low hanging fruit i might eat some

[spoekelse]

Value Pack

[fairycosmos]

you literally have to unironically listen to some shit like party rock anthem so you don’t kill yourself

[cutecipher]

a cat is a sort of machine that dispenses hair all over you and everything else in the room

[thecryptkeeper]

i know the way people talk about their pets now is probably how we’ve been doing it for all of history. a cat owner in ancient rome saw their cat lounging on the dining pillows and commented “he thinks himself to be the senator claudius 🤣”

[kosmogrl]

what doesn’t kill me leaves a pit in my stomach that never goes away