Jackson Gilbert

Jackson 23 Performing Arts Major my shadow's dancing, without you for the first time.

[jacksonyikes]

rustysilver:

“I’m not saying it was your fault!” Rusty said, his voice wavering as he shrunk under the intensity of Jackson’s glare. The guilt was overwhelming and he briefly wondered how anybody managed to cope without a little something to take the edge off. It was unbearable. Tears began to blur his vision and he blinked them away, feeling them run down his cheeks despite his efforts to stop them. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I was scared.” He swallowed thickly, frowning to himself. “But I did care about you Jackson, I do care about you. I’ve spent the past two weeks wondering what we might have been if it weren’t for…” He felt another spark of anger at the sarcasm, his mood swings giving him the vaguely uncomfortable sense of whiplash. “I do know how it feels!” He said, an edge to his voice. “Jackson, I’m always hurting.” And then he was kissing him. He couldn’t remember stepping forward, he couldn’t remember pulling Jackson towards him, he couldn’t even remember leaning in to capture his lips. But suddenly his mind was filled with something other than rage and pain and guilt. Passion, the need to get closer to the boy before him, the need to show him how sorry he was through actions rather than words. He stepped backwards, pulling Jackson with him until his back hit the brick wall, tugging at his jacket, urging him to press his body against his.

Jack refused to listen to the words that Rusty spoke, he couldn’t listen to the words. He didn’t believe him anyway. Jack was still angry, and damn he could hold a grudge if he wanted to. He couldn’t help rolling his eyes when Rusty started talking about how he knew how it felt to be hurt, sure. If he had known how it felt, why would he want someone else to feel that? Jack was coming to the conclusion that Rusty was a selfish person -- but he couldn’t help feeling drawn to him. Maybe it was because of how much of a shitty person he was himself. 

The next thing he knew Rusty had him against the wall, kissing him. It was passionate -- but Jack couldn’t shake the feeling that it was completely false. All of it, it was a diversion of his attention to make him forget how annoyed he was at Jack. That’s all he could hear in his mind -- but his body reacted differently. His hand made it’s way to the small of Rusty’s back pulling him closer to him, he kissed him differently. 

After about a minute of them making out, Jack pushed Rusty away. Jack was shaking his head. He was right. “maybe if things had have been different, Rusty. Who knows?” he added, clearing his throat and sorting out his clothes after Rusty had messed them up slightly. “But things aren’t different -- and this is wrong. I know that I deserve to be treated better than this. I deserve more, whatever that is.”

[jacksonyikes]

fckrykcr:

he exchanged a glance with the other young man, then looked toward the chalkboard the old grumpy professor was situated in front of, groaning and running a hand through his messy hair. “you’re kidding- i barely made it here and it’s the wrong class?” he questioned. it was rhetorical, and mostly just directed to himself. he usually never ran late for anything, and it bugged him when he was- sometimes a little more than it should.

“well, i guess class today was a lost cause.” he chuckled, looking over towards jack. “coffee sounds really good right about now. i could use something with like twelve shots of espresso.” he joked, tossing his book precariously back into his backpack and slinging the bag onto his shoulder. he led the way out of the classroom, both of them earning a few glares for distracting the class from whatever boring material that was being covered in thermodynamics 101. 

“I agree, class is a lost cause. We may as well make the most of the day.” he chuckled quietly as they had not left yet, but shuffled out of his seat following the boy as he lead the way out of the boring class. “damn, twelve shots of espresso does sound good.” Jack made his way out the class, closing the door behind him and turned to the boy. 

“Well, I’m Jack, hey.” he introduced himself properly now they could speak at a normal volume. “It’s nice to meet you.” He extended his hand for the boy to shake whilst slinging his backpack over his left shoulder. “so -- where do you want to go for coffee, surely not the college canteen?” 

[liam-93-productions]

x

[stocklou-syndrome]

🇬🇧

[jacksonyikes]

rustysilver:

Rusty listened as Jackson spoke, his fists still clenched at his side. He knew, deep down, that he was in the wrong. It was difficult feeling so angry and so guilty at the same time, the two emotions were battling against each other, telling him to take very different approaches. “Maybe if you weren’t stupid enough to take two unmarked pills in an empty baggie-” He snapped, breaking off as he immediately regretted his words. He could see Jackson shivering on the sofa, alone and afraid. Barely present enough to understand the situation. He should have stayed, helped him through the symptoms but he had been too caught up in his own problems. Guilt, embarrassment, shame, frustration and the desperation to return home so that he could take a pill. Jackson had accidentally depleted his stash and whether or not it was fair to place blame, he hadn’t been able to help himself. His expression softened momentarily, his hands relaxing as he opened his mouth. To apologise? To explain himself? To admit he was wrong? He wasn’t sure. “Jackson,” He said, his voice quiet and soft. “Jackson, I’m-” He broke off, his anger returning full force as he was interrupted. He couldn’t think, couldn’t speak, he could barely stop himself from shaking. Before he knew what he was doing, before he could react, he had grabbed the front of Jackson’s jacket, pulling him close enough to feel his breath against his cheeks. He glared at him, tense with rage, unable to voice such a raw and powerful emotion. But then he couldn’t help himself, he glanced down at Jackson’s lips, remembering what it felt like to kiss them, to feel them against his body. He pushed him away with as much force as he could, letting go of his shirt and stumbling backwards. “Fuck you.” He spat. “How dare you? I was worried about you, Jackson! I was terrified, okay? But I wasn’t just scared for you! I was scared for myself! I liked you! I was really starting to like you and I thought you were going to die and then I thought you were going to hate me and then I thought you were going to tell someone about… about me! My problems, what I do! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to be angry and hurtful and you don’t get to break me like this, you don’t! I screw up! I screw up constantly, but I’m trying to make things right! For the past two weeks, I’ve been trying to make things right! And now you’re here…” He trailed off, pausing to scrub at the tears that were running down his cheeks. “And now you’re here…” He said again, lowering his voice, “and you’re saying exactly what you need to say to cause me the most amount of pain and… and all I can think about is kissing you!” 

Jack scoffed at the expletives that he was being dealt. “So now this is my fault?” He shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his coat. This was a move he made to feel safe. Also, he did not want Rusty to see how much he was shaking – was it anger? was he upset? A mix of both, probably. His hands were withdrawn pretty quickly when Rusty grabbed him and pulled him. Immediately his hands were on Rusty’s waist in an attempt to keep him at bay, pushing him away from doing whatever it was he was planning on doing. Was he really about to get head-butted? He just hoped to God that it wouldn’t break his nose, he couldn’t pull off the rugged look. “You’ve just summed it up there, Rusty. Ultimately, you were worried that someone would find out about your dirty little secret, and that I was going to tell them. You didn’t give two shits about me – did you?”

It was safe to say that Jack was surprised at the words he heard? Wanted to kiss him. It was a strange reaction, but to tell the truth, not one that Jack hadn’t already thought of. “I am here, yes. Brilliant observation skills on your part yet again.” The sarcasm in his voice was growing, but his tone was lowering as well. He was angry. “I’m fucking hurt, Rusty. I just wanted you to know how it feels.” He shrugged at that.

“stop being such a pussy then, do it.”

[jacksonyikes]

rustysilver:

Rusty nearly took a step backwards at the anger behind Jackson’s words. He should have been expecting it but the Jackson he’d spent the night with was excitable and happy. There was a soft, vulnerable side to him that he had found so endearing. The Jackson standing before him now was cold and bitter. It felt so wrong. He narrowed his eyes, a spark of anger igniting within his chest. I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you what it was like after you’d gone. “What the hell does that mean?” He demanded, the sudden edge to his voice making it clear he already knew. He clenched his fists, fingernails digging into the skin of his palms. “You weren’t going to die.” He said coldly. “Do you really think I would leave you if there was any chance of that happening?” The thought hurt. He knew his actions were questionable, definitely not moral or fair… but did Jackson honestly think he would leave him to die alone in his house? Overdose on drugs he had paid for? “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.” He bit out, hating how terrible he was suddenly feeling. A few moments ago he had been sure he couldn’t feel any worse. He didn’t want to confront himself, he didn’t want to think about yet another terrible decision he had made. He was sober now, he was trying. Didn’t that count for anything?

Jack was in shock. Maybe half of the things he had said to Rusty were uncalled for -- but surely it was understandable that he needed to get them off his chest. Jack was hurt. Rusty was the one who had inflicted the pain. He couldn’t just act like everything was okay, it wasn’t in his nature. 

“I think you know damn well what I meant.” practically spitting the words out of his mouth. He hated that he could be like this -- but he always knew there was a dark side to him, which came out more than he wanted to admit. The worst part was he wasn’t scared of this side of himself. He enjoyed it. It was simple. Things were broken down into mere emotions with this side of him. pain. pleasure. anger. lust. hate. love. Jack revelled in as much as he could -- he just wanted to feel; and right now, he just wanted his fist to feel Rusty’s face. 

“Oh come on, Rusty. Take your head out of your ass, it’s not a hat.” Jack rolled his eyes, not believing that Rusty was attempting to play the victim and make Jack feel guilty. “I knew I wasn’t going to die, but I felt like I was going to. You may have left my physically fine. But I was a wreck, Rusty. I didn’t know what to do, who to turn to. I felt as though you’d locked me in a glass box with no way out.” Jack fought back the tears that were beginning to sting his eyes. It wasn’t like him to cry when he was angry. Maybe he wasn’t just angry. He was hurting, still. “I didn’t know who to talk to, I was embarrassed that I’d got myself into that situation.” 

“Don’t you get sick of apologising for being a disappointment?” Jack’s eyes were set and filled with spite. “I’m sure you’ve had plenty of fucking practice, right?” 

[jacksonyikes]

rustysilver:

Rusty pointedly avoided Jackson’s gaze, nodding vaguely in answer to his question. “I’m… good.” He said quietly. “You look… you look well.” He frowned to himself, staring down at the cigarette in his hands. He knew he deserved the harsh words and the anger, but it cut like a knife, bringing tears to his eyes. “I know I didn’t…” His voice was barely louder than a whisper. “I’m sorry. I should have called you… I was worried, Jackson. Please believe me, I was so worried.” He insisted, he needed him to know it hadn’t been easy, that not reaching out had been as hard as reaching out. “Are you?” He asked hesitantly, unsure he wanted to know the answer. “Are you okay?” 

The eye roll administered was automatic. There was nothing he could do to hold it back. Jack liked Rusty, he did -- but he couldn’t believe the bullshit that he was coming out with. I could have fucking died was all he could think -- in reality, it wasn’t Rusty’s fault; but Jack couldn’t help but try and blame someone. “I look well? I look fucking well?” the sigh that accompanied these words was heavy. “Thanks, I guess -- I mean, I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you what it was like after you’d gone. I was a wreck. My body was shaking all over, I couldn’t think straight. I thought I was going to die, Rusty.” 

Jack shook his head -- “I’m fine, now.” It probably was not the time, but in true Jack fashion, he needed to add a spritz of sarcasm. “I’m surprised you haven’t noticed, I’ve been working out -- I’ve got abs now.” He lifted his shirt a little revealing his abs and let it go just as quickly as he had raised it. Jack was beginning to calm down now -- his mind still racing of everything that had come flooding back since he saw Rusty standing there. 

“I thought you were different -- but you didn’t even call.” 

That was it, wasn’t it? Jack wasn’t really annoyed about what happened -- it wasn’t the first time he had a bad trip to something he probably shouldn’t have taken. It was how he was abandoned, again. Left -- without any explanation; he had been cut off. He was used to this, some of the time it was him who cut himself off from guys he was interested in for five minutes. but he thought this would be different.

[mrbulian]

[jacksonyikes]

rustysilver:

Rusty tapped his cigarette despite there being no ash to fall, desperate for something to do, something to distract himself. He had been watching Jackson for a few minutes now, thinking about what could have been. They had shared one incredible night together, formed a connection, and if things hadn’t gone so wrong… It had been a few weeks since he had left him alone, recovering from his accidental overdose. And now that he was sober the guilt was hitting him harder than he thought might be possible. Now that he knew Delaney didn’t feel the same way he did, his mind kept bringing him back to Jackson. How he made his heart beat just a little faster, a blush creep to his cheeks. He sighed, taking a drag of his cigarette. Another friendship ruined, another potential relationship destroyed by his addiction. Another person he had managed to treat unfairly. He tapped his cigarette again, not noticing Jackson approaching him until it was too late. He visibly jumped, exhaling smoke on a sharp breath. “Jackson!” He said suddenly, pushing away from the wall he had been leaning against. “I’m sorry, I was just going. I know you don’t want to talk to me… it’s okay.” 

@jacksonyikes

Jack had wrapped up warm, leaving the house so early in the morning was not something he took any pleasure in, but as many things in life -- they were shit, but you still had to do them. His hands were thrust deep inside the pockets of his coat. His head was down. He walked with fervour towards his lecture room. There was no point trying to enjoy a walk at this time of the morning, especially seeing as he was having such a good dream before he was disturbed. 

One thing Jack did not expect on his walk into college that day was the guy who was waiting for him. It crossed his mind of how strange it was that Rusty appeared to be waiting for him, but he let the thought go as the flashbacks began, drawing him back to the last time the two had seen each other. It was still a little raw in his mind. 

“Oh -- hey, Rusty.” he stopped, his feet closed together. A weak smile was all he could muster as a form of greeting. “How are you?” Jack started before Rusty began speaking of how he didn’t want to speak to him. “It’s not that I don’t want to speak to you Rusty, after that... incident. I hadn’t heard off you, not once, not at all. You didn’t even send me a text to ask me if I was okay -- that’s kinda shitty, don’t ya think? I know I can be a shitty person, but I think I deserve more.” 

Jack didn’t really believe the words he was saying, didn’t he get exactly what he deserved? He was a shitty person who could do shitty things, but there was always a sliver inside him that hoped. Hoped that he was worth something more, that he was special. Didn’t everyone want that, to be special, to be loved? 

[jacksonyikes]

Jack didn’t know what he was doing, but then again, this was not a new development in his life. The day had not been kind to him, his lectures were all boring and he’d managed to fall over in the middle of the quad -- something that he was not impressed with. There was a string of incessant incidents that had occurred throughout the day which made it nigh-on impossible to refuse the offer of spending the evening getting absolutely fucked maybe in more than one sense of the word with Remik. He hadn’t seen the boy much as of late and didn’t really know why -- he thought they had been getting along just fine. Jack didn’t bother dwelling on it too much, he just kept going as usual, finding things to satiate his need to be wanted. 

That was how he had ended up in the uber, a bottle of whiskey down and pulling up to Remik’s apartment complex. It wasn’t something that he had planned -- but in Jack’s experience, these spontaneous situations ended up being the most thrilling -- he was hoping this time would not be any different. 

Jack walked into the apartment building and made his way, rather expertly through the winding corridors until he reached the front door to Mik’s apartment. He couldn’t remember how many times he had been here, but he didn’t think he would ever forget it. It was so unique inside, it was very Mik. That was the only way he could describe it. He rapped his knuckles on the door and waited for an answer, impatiently knocking again. “Come on, my angel -- stop pruning yourself. Let’s get fuckin’ wasted.”

@rcmiks

[liampayne]

[jacksonyikes]

sms to: open.

Mik: i don't believe you

Jack: well believe it kiddo

Jack: i'm two minutes away you'll see it then

[liz-cat-meow-deactivated2020011]

[jacksonyikes]

sms to: open.

Mik: drink out the bottle like a man

Jack: did u mean the entire bottle because

Jack: oops i went too hard and downed it all

[yziam]

[jacksonyikes]

zlberres:

“Sometimes” she said with a small nod. “Most days like that I listen and don’t get out of bed” she laughed a bit then frowned “just an off day or something bugging you?”

“Oh, Z, I wish that I had just listened -- you know?” He laughed, lighting a cigarette before replacing the lighter and the packet into his pockets. “Just an off day, woke up late and ended up in the wrong class. Here’s hoping tomorrow is better!” He smiled and titled his head as though he was tipping a hat. “How are you, anyway?”

[jacksonyikes]

gxmilxshix:

Gamila shook her head. “No no no. I’m cracking down this time. I’m definitely getting this done today.” She said and smiled. “If I get the phone away from me.”

“You said that last time, and the time before that, and the time before that -- well, you get the picture.” he laughed. “I mean you’ve dragged me all the way to the library, we’ve been here for 45 minutes and you’ve literally only wrote your name and that’s about it.” Jack sighed and shook his head slightly, before resting his forehead on the palm of his hands. “I’m struggling with what to write now, as well -- maybe we should call it a day.”