For long time now I’ve been longing. Longing for something deeper, more real, an unforgettable encounter. Deep inside of me there was always this hunger to fulfill this longing. But as humans are, I was lazy. I wanted it, but wasn’t willing to dish out being uncomfortable.
Since my move up to the Bay Area, life has taken drastic turns, u-turns, flips, and up and overs. I’ve done things that I wish I had never done and I’ve also done things that I am very happy about. All in all, it was all a rollercoaster ride. Feet dangling. Head banging. Arms in the air like you just don’t care. Scary. Exciting. It was so many things, but all things that carried a similar tone.
I wanted to fit in. So I’d go out and drink multiple times a week with work friends. Spend more than I should and drink an extra shot for fun. I chased. I fell. I was lifted. I was crushed. It was all so much in such a short span of time. I really wanted to make a lot of money… I still really want to make a lot of money. So I made some sacrifices. I wanted to be with someone so I thought I’d take a chance. Now, this might not sound so bad, but I believe that my desire for those things should not ever be motivated by fear.
I feared that I would not be liked. I always wanted to be that guy that everyone liked. Smile big. Hug long. Shake firm. Joke around. Listen and empathize. All for the sake of people to like me. I feared that I would be financially struggling for the rest of my life. I wanted money… in fact I convinced myself that I need this more than anything. I wanted to provide and give because I never grew up financially stable. I feared that I would never be loved. So I wanted to grab it when I could, at any moment given - feeling at times like the guy in ‘Eternal Sunshine in the Spotless Mind’.
“Why is it that any girl who gives me the slightest bit of attention, I start to like?”
Again, these things aren’t necessarily bad or wrong per se, but it’s where my motivation came from. It came from fear. And as every good Jedi master knows - fear is an opening for the dark side.
Fear ruled my life. And I didn’t even know it. I thought that I was doing good. I was moving forward. Career was looking up and I had a good community. But that fear still lingered.
The other night, I was talking to a friend and we talked about the things in our hearts that we want. But we didn’t really even know what it was we were looking for, we just knew that we were looking… longing… searching. That conversation led to another conversation with another friend who eventually listened to me and told me, “Jacob, after just listening to you, I really feel that God is wanted you to go into your secret place.”
I drove back thinking, “Hmm, secret place. Where is that anymore? What is that? God where are you?” I put on one of my favorite HIllsong songs and just drove. Listened.
“...and I found myself in You… Jesus…
so take me to that place,
where I can see You face to face
all I wanna do is worship You…”
My spirit was stirred. That longing. That searching. That desire. Everything from this past year came to this. I just wanted Jesus.
And so many times I’ve told God to take it all, but as I changed the music to a more instrumental type while getting closer to my apartment, I felt God say to me, “If you want all of Me, then give me all of you.” And I have never felt those words be more real than right then and there. I drove off to another spot close by and sat there… again, scared. Fearful because I wondered… “God if I say yes will you take everything? Cause I kind of like this life I’m living. It’s nice and comfortable.”
Then I received an image.
Of myself. Standing in nice clothes. Feeling comfortable and all. Then the rain came and I was drenched. My clothes sticking to my skin. Water dripping from the edges, from my head. It was all just uncomfortable. So I had to strip myself. Then I felt at that moment the illustration was a depiction of what it looks like, feels like, when you decide you’re all in.
It’s gonna be uncomfortable. It’s gonna require you to be vulnerable, but I know that somewhere in there - there’s so much freedom and joy.
I was scared, but I knew this was right. This was good. As C.S. Lewis says of Aslan - “He is not safe, but He is good” and to me, that's all that mattered. So I prayed. I said yes Lord, like it was the first time I had ever said yes. Then I called my brother to tell about all of this and he prayed for me.
And now here I am. I don’t feel that I have changed. But I am wanting even more. I am trying to choose faith and not fear. I’m laying down my dreams and rights so that He can move my heart in the right direction. I don’t know what’s ahead of me, but I know that whatever it is, He’ll be faithful. He has already been so faithful this past year with me even through my own rebellion and I think it’s time that I become faithful to Him. I don’t want to be like the rich young ruler who couldn’t, but I want to be like the disciples who dropped everything. If I truly believe that God is good, then I must believe that just as He takes cares of the birds and flowers - He will take care of me.
It all sounds like a classic Christian story, but to me this was a renewal. To me, this felt so real I had to share.
