speak up.

I am not who I was, but I am not who I'll be. Started out as a seed, one day I'll be a tree. Grow with me.

[jacobthecreated]

Destination 32

Here I am. 32 years into this thing we call life. Not considered a professional at it yet (I don't think). If it was basketball, I'd say I'm somewhere on second string, sitting towards the end of the bench. Not good enough to be considered a starter, but at least good enough to come in when one of the really good ones needs a break. Sitting at the end of the bench because... well, I don't like talking too much. And speaking of second string, I mean, I didn't even make the team in high school, but I think I'm a little bit better at life. I don't have all the answers (don't think I ever will), but I have a few. Currently I'm writing this sitting on a plane. 38,000 feet up in the air. Closer to God than I've ever been. Hoping when we land, I'll still be that close to Him. Speaking of planes, these things are crazy. I mean, who figured out how to get a metal tube up in the air, fill it with people, and get them to a destination that would have taken the whole day trying to drive there. Give that man (or woman) a raise. Speaking of planes, let's talk about airports. I used to dread them. Still sort of do. People everywhere. Time limits. Rules. Regulations. Bad customer service (ask my wife about that dude at Starbucks. Not only is their coffee bad, so was this barista's attitude. It's not my fault you made my wife's drink wrong. You think I'm not gonna ask you to fix it. That's my wife, man. You already shorted her a dollar and I let it go. You have no idea how bad I wanted to mouth off at you. But Jesus.... He said, no. See, I told you I'm still second string, coming off the bench). Perfect recipe for a panic attack. I'm a little better at it now though. 32 years in, I figured airports out. Still hate them a little, but kind of like them too. 38,000 feet up in the air. Closer to God than I've ever been. Hoping when we land, I'll still be that close to Him. On my way to destination 32. I've never been there before, so I'm not sure what to expect. I didn't even know what to pack, but I'm coming. I have a few ideas ready for flight and a couple of dreams on stand by. Still trying to believe that I get to go one more time. One more destination. Even harder to believe I get to go with the people I do life with now. Talk about a trip. It's an honor to get to do life with the people I get to do it with. It's those people who help me to not fear tomorrow. To not fear 32. To say I'm grateful is an understatement. Where would I be without them? I don't know, but here I am. 32 years in. 38,000 feet up in the air. Closer to God than I've ever been. Hoping when we land, I'll still be that close to Him.

[jacobthecreated]

Relationship Issues.

I have relationship issues. There, I said it.

I have to admit, I’ve had knots in my stomach the past few days. Even now as I am writing this. Anxiety and nausea the past couple of weeks. I’ve been trying to self-diagnose what the problem is. Trying to figure out why I have been feeling the way I do. Well, the tests came back positive.

Diagnosis: relationship issues.

I’ve spent the last week trying to figure out a way to put it down in words. Hoping writing it all down will serve as an outlet. Serve as a medicine to ease some of the symptoms. A prescription to provide the cure. Hoping these words will somehow be an encouragement to some of you as well. Or at least give you a glimpse of who I am. Let you know what’s going on in my mind at the moment. Let you know that I am actually a nice guy. Genuine, caring, sensitive. Of course, you would have to get to know me to learn that. And I suppose that's part of the problem. I'll explain.

I have relationship issues.

It's a bit of a relief to get that off my chest. Although, it’s a bit discouraging at the same time. I mean, I’ve been fighting these thoughts for what seems like forever now. And here recently they’ve been crashing in my mind like thunder. Like waves. Big ones. And I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to be crushed on the rocks of fear, and hurt, and insecurity. You see, I like to pretend like they aren't there. And I can almost believe myself. Almost. Especially with the way my life has changed over the past two years. I've never worked so hard to build relationships with so many students and parents and people in general than I have the past two years. It's been a journey. One filled with joy and fulfillment I have never experienced before. One filled with hurt and discouragement I never wanted to experience again. Oh, and awkwardness. A whole lot of awkward. I’m terrible at small talk (you can read about that here: https://tmblr.co/ZiYo1yYCUslJ ). I’m still working on it. Yes, but it’s been a journey nonetheless. A beautiful struggle. A heartbreaking joy. A discouraging, yet fulfilling experience I pray will never end.

I have relationship issues. And the question I’ve been asking myself throughout the past couple of years is this: "Jacob, would you rather have relationship issues and accept the 100% money back guarantee you will be hurt, or have no relationships at all?"

I wish I could say the answer to that was a simple one. But it's not. I guess I'm more selfish than I'd like to admit. I mean, I thought I had answered that question quite clearly when I met and married my wife. When I learned to finally trust her. It took a really long time, ask her. It was hard. It hurt. She hurt because of me. And by God’s grace we made it. But over the last couple of years I have learned that was just the beginning. And I couldn’t tell you where the ending is.

I can tell you exactly where these issues started. Down to the month and the year. And if any of you know me, you probably know my story and could probably take a good guess at where it started. And to those of you who just happen to be reading the random thoughts of someone you don't really know, I'll spare you the details. That's for another day. But to be brief, it started with broken trust. A trust that believed it was safe and secure. A trust that believed it was so strong it could weather anything. It would never be broken. But it was broken. Snapped like a ship in a violent sea storm. And sure, I’ve tried to set sail again, but I can’t seem to make it out of the harbor. The water’s much calmer near the shore. And I’m not as brave as I used to be.

I have relationship issues. I'm so scared to care for someone, love someone, pour into someone, knowing at any moment they may walk away.

I think it’s funny how God uses you to do the things you’re scared of. The things you don't want to do. Or maybe it's messed up. I don't know, I’m still drawing up my conclusions on that. Anyways, when I first moved to the Dallas area, I did everything in my power to avoid building relationships. Maybe I still do. Yeah… I think I still do. To be honest, I don't have very many friends. Sure, I know a lot of people. I am acquaintances with a lot of people. But as far as close relationships, honestly, they are severely lacking with people my age. And that's not a knock against anyone. It's my fault. Chances are, if my wife and I are invited anywhere, my immediate response is, "I don't want to go." And if I am there, it's because my wife told me we should go. It's not that I don't like them, or think I'm better than anyone, or even that I really didn’t want to go. Most of the time I do. It's just that I’m scared to grow attached. I’m scared to build relationships. I don't want to risk the possibility of being hurt. 

You see, I don’t know how to have a relationship other than to give everything. Other than to give my whole heart. Give all of my trust. If I am going to invest my time in you, then I am really going to do it. If I’m going to care about you, than I’m really going to care about you. It’s reckless, I suppose, but I don’t know any other way. Either I’m all in, or I’m out. Sadly, the thought of being hurt causes me to be out much of the time. Causes me to shy away from meeting new people or building relationships with the people I’ve already met.

Like I said, I guess I'm more selfish than I'd like to admit.

But leave it to God. Here I am in a position I never imagined I would be in. A position I never asked to be in. A position I wouldn't give up for anything. The student pastor at our church with the most amazing teenagers I've ever met. If you only knew how unqualified I feel. How inadequate I feel. How nervous I still get each and every Wednesday before I get up to speak. Two years in and I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

I can still remember specific encounters I had with the students when we first took over. Really awkward encounters. They didn't really know me. I didn't really know them. We didn't know what to say to each other. I’m terrible at small talk, remember? All they knew was some random dude who never really said much before, with a beard and too many tattoos was supposedly going to pastor them now. I suppose if I was a student, I would have been skeptical too. I probably would have stopped coming. But they didn't. No. And would you believe, two years later I can think of those same students. The ones I had the awkward encounters with. The ones who were unsure about me. Now, we have the most amazing relationships. They are the ones who are some of the leaders now. Helping with worship. Speaking on Wednesday nights. Praying with us. Inviting us to all of the things they are involved in at school. Look at how far we've come.

Speaking of being invited to their events, the other night I went to a choir concert that many of our students were a part of. Aside from graduating, I believe it was basically the last major school event of the year. Just before the end of the show, the teacher wanted to honor and recognize the seniors. The class of 2016. Students he had spent the last 7 years with. As he spoke, his voice cracked and he struggled to get out the words to express how much they meant to him. How much it hurt to have to say goodbye. In that moment I suppose, is when those waves I mentioned earlier began to crash in my head.

As I watched everything, I admit. I was choked up too. I hate goodbyes. So just having to watch everything going on, made me emotional. I won’t lie though; when it happened, I put on a brave face, cracked a smile and looked at my wife with a look that asked “What is he crying for?” But inside, it hurt. It made me think of all my goodbyes I have said. Need to say. Will one day have to say. 

You see; good or bad, relationships change. You get closer. You grow distant. They end. It hurts. And I'm terrible at goodbyes.

In that moment I thought of all the students I will have to say goodbye to in the near future. This year. Next year. In a couple of years and it made me feel sick. Lately, I feel like I blink my eyes and another year is gone. Time flies by so fast and I dread the thought of another year passing, and another group of students moving on. It hurts my heart. I don't want to say goodbye. I want to be a part of their lives forever. It kills me to think I may never see them again. That they will forget about me. That maybe I didn't play as big a part of their lives as I'd like to think. As big a part as they played in mine. That maybe words I was able to share were just that. Words. Empty words. Am I doing everything I can? Have I done enough to show them that I care? Do they know that I pray and cry over them? That when they go through hard things, I go through it with them? When they hurt, I hurt? When they fail, I fail? When they cry, I cry? That I think of them often? That I notice every single time they do not show up, and that it hurts? That I miss them? That even if they haven’t been in several months, if they came back I would treat them as if they were there every single time? I would still do anything for them. All of them.

Was I too hard on them? Did I challenge them too much? I’ve always been terrible at organizing events outside of Wednesdays. Did we not have enough? If I had more, would they trust me more? Would they respect me more? Would they look up to me more? If I had a different job, would I be able to go to their school more? And would that have made a bigger difference? Is there someone better qualified to do this? And could that person have impacted them more than me? Jesus, why me? Jesus, why me? Jesus, why me? I just want to make a difference.

I have relationship issues. I don't know how to let go. How do I let go? Do I have to let go?

“Jesus, do you have relationship issues too? I've been trying to imitate you, but I don't know how you do it. How many relationships have you built only to see them walk away? And how do you stay right there waiting for them to come back? And do you wait forever if they never do? How do you keeping pouring into people even when it hurts? Even when others have hurt you before? Even when you know there is a 100% chance they will hurt you again? Would you really do it all over again? Die for them? Was it really worth it? Is it really worth it? Jesus, we use you. Abandon you. Leave you. Take you for granted. But you still wait. You still love us. You still care. You still have arms wide open. Heart wide open. Jesus, how do you do it?

Jesus, how many times have I done the same thing to you? How many times have I done to you what I am scared the students and others will do to me? If you counted up the seconds and minutes, the hours and days; how many years have I kept you waiting? Jesus, I’m sorry. I’m doing my best to not keep you waiting anymore. And I am doing my best to be like you. But you’re going to have to help me. Because I feel like I can’t do it. I’m trying. I know you know I’m trying, but it hurts. I don’t know if my heart can take it. Will you take it?”

I suppose this brings me back to that question I’ve been asking myself: "Jacob, would you rather have relationship issues and accept the 100% money back guarantee you will be hurt or no relationships at all?"

That question reminds me of a C.S. Lewis quote I read awhile back. I’m pretty sure most of you have heard it before. It sort of sums up the opposing sides of choosing to love, and choosing not to:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Jesus, I’m scared, but I want to be vulnerable. Jesus, I know it will hurt, but I want to feel pain. I would rather feel pain, than nothing at all. Jesus, I don’t know if I can do it, but will you walk with me through this? Will you show me I’m alive? Will you show me how you do it? I want them to know I really care. I want them to know they really matter to me. That I really love them.

And Jesus, if the only way to do this is to experience hurt. Pain. Heartbreak. If they only way to do this is to constantly give my heart away and allow it to be broken. Taken advantage of. Forgotten. Abused. Abandoned. Well, Jesus, here is my heart. You can have it. They can have it. Students, you can have it. Parents, you can have it. People, you can have it. Do what you want with it. Just know that I mean it. Just know that I care. Just know although you may forget about me, I will never forget about you. 

Jesus, make it hurt.

I welcome those waves. This ship may be a bit worn and weathered, but let the waves crash. And yes, I may be scared. I may be seasick, but this ship is sailing for the deep. Let the waves roar. This ship may grow weary. The sails may tear and rip. The hull may fracture under the pressure as the waves pound against me, but let the waves crush me.

As Charles Spurgeon would say, may I learn to “kiss those waves.” May I learn to face them. May I learn to embrace them with open arms. And by God’s grace, may they “slam me into the Rock of Ages.”

If you are still reading this, thank you. One day I hope I can be a better friend to you.

[jacobthecreated]

Halloween Prayer

Jesus, It's Halloween today.  I'm sure you knew that. You're Jesus. sometimes I wonder if you care about days like today. if it makes you sad when you see so many of your people who despise this day. who hate it. who rather than put on a costume you can buy at the store, because "it's wrong." they put on a costume of self-righteousness or of pride. and Jesus, is that costume any better?  I mean, Fall Festival party, Halloween party, is there a difference? or if it makes you sad when so many of your people don't mind it at all. who dress up. hand out candy. have parties. does it make you sad? I don't really know what side you are on. or if you are even on a side (I bet You're not). but regardless of all that, I bet you love us all. and I bet you love all the ones who don't even know you. who will go out and trick or treat, and even the older ones who will go to bars and drink. a lot. or parties. some will probably even do drugs. have sex. watch porn. cuss a lot. and You love them too. Jesus, You died for them. Please keep them safe. Please don't let anyone die unnecessarily tonight. please let them meet you first. and I bet you're hoping we don't turn out the porch light because we don't want ANYONE coming to our doors to ask for candy. how dare them! no, I bet you're hoping our porch lights shine the brightest. that we add an extra porch light that screams, "WELCOME!" "CANDY HERE!" Porch lights always remind me of that story you told about the Father and his two sons.  I bet that Father left His porch light on. when his younger son took his share of the Father's inheritance and left. I bet the Father was heartbroken. not over the money the son had taken. the Father wasn't concerned about material things. about being rich in land, money, and cattle. No, the Father was heartbroken because He lost his son. I bet that Father left his porch light on. I bet it was the brightest porch light on the block. and every single night, I know the Father sat on the porch watching. waiting. hoping His son would come home. He left the porch light on.  and when the son wasted and squandered everything the Father had given Him. EVERYTHING. the son came to his senses and started back home. and I bet the son was scared. I bet he was hoping his Daddy left the porch light on. that would be his sign that Father was waiting for him. that he was welcome.  and when the son walked into town, he saw his house. And it was shining. the porch light was shining so bright. and Father came running and wrapped him in His arms. and held him. and threw a party! He was welcomed there! Jesus, my porch light will be on tonight. and I hope my porch light screams "WELCOME!" I don't care what anyone has to say about it. It will be on. And maybe we will have two lights, I don't know. what I do know is we will have a lot of candy. A LOT of candy.  And Jesus. as I hand out candy to all the little witches, and goblins, and ghosts. the super heroes, the random shark, the pretty little angels, and princesses. the demons and mummies. Thing 1 and Thing 2. the random kid with a bloody sheet wrapped awkwardly around his body. and that one person who will always have the Scream mask on.  Help me to give love. Help me to imitate you well. Help me to always have the porch light on and to never let it burn out. It's what you would do. Jesus, I love you. Thank you for loving me. Help me to show the same love you've shown me to others. especially your people. Because I know you love us all the same. Amen.

[jacobthecreated]

On Doubt.

Matthew 14.28-31 "And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me!" Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" If there was one struggle I had to admit that I dealt with the most, it would be doubt. I think no one can honestly say that they have never doubted. Much like no one can say they have never lied. We all have. I am in a period of my life where this is a huge struggle. As I write this, just five minutes prior, I was face down on the floor in my living room crying. Asking God to give me strength or just take me. Asking God to help me through this waiting period of uncertainty. Asking God to show me what to do. Asking for just one word of comfort. Or assurance. Reminding God of things he told me last January '12. Promises he promised me. Things he said would come and happen quickly and they still haven't happened yet. And my circumstances make it seem like they are a long way off. Even though he said soon. Very soon. Quickly. And as I reminded him of all these things through tears and weeping, he just listened. Or at least that's what I say, because he didn't respond. So I believe he just listened. Probably shook his head and said that phrase that he chastised his disciples with oh so many times, "O' you of little faith. Why did you doubt?" To be honest, I find some comfort in the fact that the very people that followed Him, his closet friends, doubted. The very people that saw him multiply loaves and fish. Turn water into wine. Speak life in to the dead. Make eyeballs out of mud balls. Walk on water. Cast out demons. Heal leprosy. The people who saw this before their very eyes doubted Jesus. And then I feel a bit overwhelmed. If they doubted him and they saw these things, how will I ever get to the point where I simply say, "I believe" and mean it will all my heart. How will I ever get to that place of complete faith? And more importantly, will I ever get to that place? Lately Jesus has been taking me through this waiting period. It has been the most challenging time of my life. I feel uncertain. I doubt. I want to rush his timing. I want to move forward with all the things I want to do, but God keeps saying, "Wait. Be still, I have something so much better if you would just be patient." Earlier this week I heard someone say, "When we rush God's timing, we settle for less, when if we would have just been patient, God had the absolute best waiting for us." And you know what, I believe that with all my heart, but it doesn't make it any easier. But through this period, God has been showing me something. Perhaps we should stop trying to figure out the next step. Perhaps we should stop worrying about the details and exactly how we will get the place that we know God has promised. Perhaps if the birds of the air do not worry about food and if the flowers of the field that are here today and thrown into the oven tomorrow are more beautiful than Solomon arrayed in all his glory. Then perhaps God really does care for us so much more than birds and flowers. And when we think about God attending a funeral for a sparrow. Perhaps we should find comfort in the fact his love for us is so much greater than that. And perhaps we should simply find peace in the fact that God, indeed, has a plan. That we had a purpose the day we were born. and that God will see to it that the purpose is fulfilled. That despite our circumstance, emotions and feelings, God is there. That if we would simply trust the fact that God is who he says he is, then everything will be okay. A friend put it this way, "I think too often we place our faith in what we see and not in what He said." And I can't think of a better example of this than Peter. Jesus said, "Come." and for a moment Peter placed his faith in what Jesus said. And when he placed that first fragile step on the surface of the water it held. But then Peter saw the waves. He saw the storm. He took his eyes off Jesus and was distracted by his circumstances and he began to sink. How often do we take our eyes of the One who beckons us to "Come." and instead distract ourselves with our own personal storms and circumstances? And how often do we find ourselves sinking in despair because of this? When Jesus called Peter to come out upon the water, it was up to Peter to obey. He could have chosen to say no, and stay in the boat. He would have never walked upon the surface of the deep if he had said no. Faith requires an act of obedience. True, Peter doubted, but at least he climbed out of the boat. I think we too often are in the mindset where we just cling to the boat. We hold tight for dear life as the storms thrash and waves collapse all around. And the whole time Jesus is in the midst of those storms calling to us. Telling us to walk on the waves. Walk through the storms. But rather than do that, we stay right where we are, clinging to our comfort, our crutches, prolonging the process. We hide ourselves in doubt, thinking Jesus doesn't care and the whole time he has been calling us to pull us through. Honestly, I think doubt will always be a struggle. I think I will probably always question why certain things happen or why I go through different struggles. I think I will always scream like that man who desperately wanted those spirits to be cast out of his son, "I believe, help my unbelief!" But I promise myself this. I promise to at least climb out of the boat. I promise to set my feet upon the stormy sea. And even if I start to sink, I promise to still have the faith to scream, "Save me O' God, or I will surely sink!"

[jacobthecreated]

a little poem I wrote about my greatest foe. Doubt. filmed with the help of some awesome dudes, and now we have a pretty sweet video. please view and share.

[jacobthecreated]

You were created for a purpose. Do not let anyone or anything stop you from fulfilling it.

[jacobthecreated]

oak tree.

oh mister oak tree, how many storms have you weathered?

and when you were just a seedling and tethered to the ground,

did you feel like those ropes were holding you up,

or pulling you down?

[jacobthecreated]

[jacobthecreated]

I love you.

“Do you ever get irritable for no reason at all?” she asked.

“Yes," he replied. "Every single day. Especially at night when I’m alone. I tend to remind myself of all the things I’ve been trying to forget and realize I’ve forgotten all the things I swore I would always remember, but I can’t remember what those things were. They said these nights would come, but I didn’t want to believe it. I guess I was naive enough to believe people actually meant what they said. And when she said “forever” I must have misunderstood what she meant.”

She said, "I know what you mean about people not meaning the things that they say. Because I tell that face in the mirror she is beautiful every single day. And when I give myself away, they always say the same thing: "I love you." But I've learned that's just code for, "Let me take off your clothes." And the next morning I'm left all alone, still lying to myself, telling that face in the mirror she is beautiful, wondering if she can tell that I can't look her in the eyes when I feed her those lies because even I don't mean what say."

"Neither do I." he said. "But I swear that I love you."

[jacobthecreated]

Of gains and losses.

If life is a stock market and people are the stocks we invest in, I'd say my losses far outweigh my gains (And by the way, I am not speaking of romantic relationships, just relationships in general).You invest everything you have into someone and they take it for granted and they give nothing in return. You love someone until it hurts and you're lucky if they'll return a phone call or a text message. You trust someone with everything you've got, even though you know it will hurt if it's broken, yet you do it anyways. And the trust is broken. And it hurts. And you wonder if it was worth it. Was it worth it? If you are my priority, how come to you I'm just an option? If I put you at the top of my list, how come I don't even make yours? If life is a stock market, and people are the stock we invest in, I've invested my life's savings into them, and now I'm broke. But I've been collecting any penny that I find for the past few weeks and when I collect enough I'll I find a stock that may or may not be worth investing in, and I'll invest in it either way.

[jacobthecreated]

i thirst.

I performed this poem at the church I attend today as part of a larger production we did called "Alive."  I think no phrase quite describes the type of love Jesus has for us, than the one our Savior said as he hung helplessly from a criminal's tree.. He cracked out the words, "I thirst." Sure I know he was referring to the lack of water he had to drink. No doubt dehydration had started an irreversable process in his failing body that would surely bring death. But I think if we look deeper, he was talking to us. He was saying, 'There is no other way to describe my love for you than this, I thirst for you." How ironic, that the man who offered the water of life, the man who said, "If you drink from the water I have to give, you will never thirst again." That man. That God. He was now in return, crying out for you. Longing for you. Begging for you. Reaching for you. He did it for you. Can you hear him? "I thirst."

I watch awestruck. His chin. It’s tucked down. Hands spread wide. an invitation to get wrapped up inside His arms. I can see the holes in His palms from that long day when He clung to a tree. Like picture frames. Held by nails. the pitiful wails that emerged from His stomach. gave birth out of His lips. when flesh ripped from cat’o’nine tail whips. each bit digging deep into holy skin. and spit was spit from wicked lips. and clenched fists hit holy lips whispering prayers which slipped upward like smoke from incense. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Jesus, you looked Judas in the eyes and He washed that traitor’s feet. thirty pieces of silver was the price for a king. and when mortal lips brushed the divine skin of immortality on the cheek. in that quiet place in Gethsemane. He willingly surrendered temporary victory to the enemy. 

and the prophet's words rang true. "Strike the shepherd, and the sheep will scatter." and the blood that ran down your face from the agony that you faced, splattered on the ground all around you, a telling pattern of the directions your closet friends would run when they deserted you. and knowing this, you still broke bread with them. like Peter broke his promise to never deny you. but when that rooster crowed, he had already swore three times that he never knew you. 

Pilate declared you without fault, while the crowd shouted, "Crucify our King!" so he washed his hands clean of you and gave you over to pharisees and thieves. and you lead the procession down the Via Dolorosa. and chants of ridicule and hate Him took the place of praise and Hosana. and the palm leaves they laid at your feet with shouts of "Blessed is He.." paved the way to calvary.

they mocked you, "Prophesy to us, who hit you? You are but a self proclaimed king. How could a bastard nazarine from bethlehem possibly have lineage in divinity?" "How could this carpenter possibly be the prophesied messiah, the soon coming King?"

they beat you until you were but a bloody unrecognizable form of flesh. a far cry from the glorious kingdom you left. you put yourself to death the payment for my debt might be met. as Isaiah's words painfully came to pass, "many were astonished at you--his appearance so marred beyond human semblance." and i can only imagine what you looked like. you king's throne. your royal robes. replaced with bruised and battered check bones. And when they placed a blindfold around your eyes, it gave new meaning to that statement, "love is blind." 

they drove nails through your hands and you feet. a crown of thorns digging deep into your skull declared you king. i can see you gasping for breath. Lungs collapsing as suffocation sets it's icy fingers of death around you throat. and nail through your feet holds your weight as you strain upward for a breath of air. reaching for eternity. Relapsing back in despair because the pain is so great a burden to bear. you hung there. lonely and forsaken. Dehydration setting in. your voice cracks as you say, "I thirst." 

and as brother John watched with mother mary the horror of your death if there was anything He remember of the words that you said. i bet one phrase resounded like the pounding of thousand waves in his head. Greater love hath no man than this. That a man lay down His life for his friends. 

He who, with the sound of His voice spoke the earth into existence. with just one word the darkness fled and light shone like the sun. one word, Rise, and dead men come to life. one whisper and the waves bowed down. but like a lamb, being led to the slaughter, He stayed silent. He who, painted the skies with the sunrise and sunset. and clothed the earth with unimaginable beauty that my mortal mind could never comprehend. He hung naked. bloody. broken. naked.

And all of creation could no longer bear to watch the suffering.  So she bowed her head and shut tight her eyes at three. And a dark canopy covered such a gruesome scene at calvary. The angels held their breath in silence in the halls of eternity. And as Jesus cried out, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” Death’s voice rose with a shout of victory.

[jacobthecreated]

currently in the process of making a dream, a reality. spoken word project is in the works. "growing (c)older."

[jacobthecreated]

asleep.

“i am not who i was. but i am not who i’ll be. started out as a seed. one day i’ll be a tree. and all this fruit i bear, this fruit i bear for Thee. and when you ask for my all, i’ll give you everything. and when i finally close my eyes for the last time in eternal sleep. i pray when i open them back up, i’ll be with You in glory.”

i’ve been up since 2am talking with Jesus. and i’d really like to believe that my silent screams and secret pleas have somehow slipped past the ceiling and weaved their way in between the angels and demons that must be waging war over my soul for all eternity.. i’d really like to believe that they have made their way up into the third heaven where elders bow and angels sing. and my words must be such a stain. while angels and elders and seraphim cry holy, my words slip past theirs before the throne screaming “why?” and if our praises are like incense to Him, i can only wonder want our complaints must be like..

and all of hell must know that God has been up to something with me because they won’t leave me the hell alone. i am alone to be certain. but i know there’s something behind those curtains when i turn the light off to search for sleep. and that verse that speaks, “Seek and you will find..” well, i’ve learned that it must not have applied to sleep. because every night when i long for sleep. all i can think about is how those walls creep and how i could swear that shadow just moved. and how that heaviness is heavier than the blanket that covers me. and how i wonder if that is God hugging me or if that’s just the devil holding me. but it never really feels comfortable, which leads me to believe it couldn’t be God. but then that makes me question where He is. and if He is “with me always, even until the end of the age,” then i wonder why the demons rage around me late at night and i can never seem to find Him..

they say, “The teacher doesn’t talk during a test..” so i guess my whole life has been a test. that or everything i believe is wrong. that or God must be asleep. that or He doesn’t really care about my suffering. that or He didn’t really die for me. that or “this momentary affliction cannot compare to the coming weight of glory that will be revealed to me.”

and i’ve always been such a stubborn man. and i’ve always been a dreamer. and you could tell me that there couldn’t possibly be a God who loves me, but i think i’ll always be a believer. and if i’m wrong, then i’m wrong. but at least i have a reason to keep living. or a reason to die. depending on how you look at it. but i think i have much more to gain when i expire and i close my eyes and open them back up and i am in eternity. 

and the holidays have this way of making the loneliness seem obvious. they have this way of making the heaviness ominous. they have this way of taking the people you hold the closest and making them feel distant. and i’ve been persistent at showing resistance to fighting off those feelings. but if you only knew what i’ve been dealing with, then you would wonder how i even got out of bed. as i said before. i think i have much more to gain if i was dead.

on the 21st of december i really prayed that it would end. i didn’t actually believe that it would. i guess i was just hoping. and the more i thought about it, the more i realized that that would just be the easy way out. i mean i’ve always prayed for a life of meaning and purpose. and now i’m dealing with loss and with hurting. and carrying burdens. and i wonder if those are just the answers to all my questions. so now i pray for grace. i don’t really want Him to take this all away. i just want to have the strength to carry it the way He did. silent. without complaint. 

i’ve learned that, yes, He died so that i might be saved. but He didn’t really die for me.He died to show me how to do it. i have this problem with pride. i have this problem with fighting. but like a lamb being lead to the slaughter, He stayed silent. and that makes me question everything i say that i stand for. that makes me question why i feel like i have to get in the last word. that makes me question why i’m still learning a lesson in humility when i should have learned it a long time ago. that makes me question the way i say i’ll do anything to fulfill my purpose. but i don’t do anything and i stay worthless.

they say He is close to the broken hearted. they say one day when we get there, no more tears will be cried. they say when we get there, He will wipe them away from every single eye. they say when we get there. i’ll get to see all my loved ones that have died. they say that when we get there, everything we suffered in this life will be worth it. that we will see the purpose behind all those times i was stuck in my room fighting anxiety and nervousness. all those times i laid in the dark and questioned that you were really there. all those times i wished i was strong enough to take my own life. they say that when we get there... well, i just want to get there. in fact, i’m scared i’ll never get there.

but they say his grace is like the ocean. they say he loves like a hurricane. but i am just a seed. grown into a seedling. stretching, straining. branches reaching into the heights of heaven. begging to be worthy enough to be called a tree.

and i am so rich in material things. but my soul suffers the greatest sort of poverty. and i don’t think it’s the poverty He meant when He said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit..” and i think that’s the problem. every time i struggle. i turn to something else that i can buy. that i can watch. that i can swallow. that i can take to numb away the pain. but my heart stays hollow. my problems get drowned out for a moment. and when i come to, i’m left holding empty bottles. empty bodies. empty promises. and i promise this: i will break all my promises. i promise.

and i have everything i need. but i’ve always felt empty. i think it started when i started watching documentaries. learning about the plight of the helpless. the homeless. the poor. the unloved. it’s just that, i feel so small to do anything. and every time those images flicker across my screen, my heart screams at me to do something. but i feel like i’m not big enough to do anything. and i say i stand for something. and i tell God i would give up anything to make a change. and i don’t know what to do. so i don’t do anything and everything stays the same.

and that’s the hardest part. when i lie awake at night and feel lonely. and feel sorry for myself. i know there’s a father somewhere else wondering how the hell he’s going to feed his family tomorrow. i know that somewhere else there is sorrow unimaginable. i know that somewhere else there is pain unfathomable. i know that somewhere else all someone needs is to be hugged. to be told that they are loved. to be told that there is hope. that at the end of every night there is a dawn. and it may seem like a long time coming. but it will come. weeping endures for the night. but take heart. i see the sun.

and i feel so small to do anything. but i’ve been trying to understand the magnitude of that verse. how it says that all of heaven rejoices when just one sinner repents and turns to God. and i feel like pouring myself into just one kid could never be enough. that standing up here and embarrassing myself to show you that not matter how rough it gets, you are loved. it could never be enough. telling just one person that they are worth more than they think they deserve. it could never be enough. i mean, what words do i say to tell someone all the pain, it will be worth one day. it could never be enough.  but.. someone said you change the world just one life at a time. so i started with mine. and before i die. by God’s grace, maybe i can change just one life. 

and if i do, i can see all of heaven explode in applause. i can see all of heaven rejoice triumphantly as He puts your picture on the walls in the eternal halls of grace. and He will say to all the angels dancing, with a smile on His face, “he did it. my son. he did it. he did not let the little i gave him go to waste.”

i can’t waste what has been given me. i may be just a one talent man but i will not bury that talent in the sand. and when my Master returns to His land. i will say, “i earned one more talent for you my Master, to go with the one i already had.” and my ears will strain to hear the whisper. to hear heavy words from divine lips. and in that moment my heart will be eclipsed with the certainty that i will live forever in eternity with Him. and the eternal weight of glory is something more than my mortal body can bear. and i’ll shed this flesh like broken chains that fall under the power of His stare. and i’ll finally hear. at long last the words i had tatted on my hands a couple years back, “well done. my son, well done.” 

God! please don’t say “Depart from me.” i’ll give you everything. i’ll say anything. i just need to do something before i fall asleep. and if everyone is just a locked door away from you, i pray i’ll be the key. if you’re just looking for one person to give up everything, i pray that person’s me.

“i am not who i was. but i am not who i’ll be. started out as a seed. one day i’ll be a tree. and all this fruit i bear, this fruit i bear for Thee. and when you ask for my all, i’ll give you everything. and when i finally close my eyes for the last time in eternal sleep. i pray when i open them back up, i’ll be with You in glory. finally.”

[jacobthecreated]

old new year.

i think this is the post where i am supposed to say something grand about how the year 2012 was____________(fill in space) and how the year 2013 is going to be______________(fill in space). and how i am going to do all these crazy, phenomonal things in 2013. but i think i have broken enough promises in my lifetime, so i won't fill in those blanks. i will say i have learned alot this past year and i intend to keep on learning. tomorrow and the next and the next, regardless of what the calendar says. i will keep staying true to myself (as i always have), i will not compromise what i stand for, and i will be there for those that need it most. so i guess in that sense, i am pretty much going to be the same person in 2013 that i was in 2012.  happy new year.

[jacobthecreated]

sleep.

(a little randomness that came out early this morning.. most definitely will be a part of a bigger poem..)

ive been up since 2am talking with Jesus. and i'd really like to believe that my silent screams and secret pleas have somehow slipped past the ceiling and weaved their way in between the angels and demons that must be waging war over my soul for all eternity.. i'd really like to believe that they have made their way up into the third heaven where elders bow and angels sing. and my words must be such a stain. while angels and elders and seraphim cry holy, my words slip past theirs before the throne sceaming "why?" and if our praises are like incense to Him, i can only wonder want our complaints must be like..

and all of hell must know that God has been up to something with me because they won't leave me the hell alone. i am alone to be certain. but i know there's something more in those shadows when i turn the light off to search for sleep. and that verse that says, "Seek and you will find.." well, ive learned that it must not have applied to sleep. because every night when i long for sleep. all i can think about is how those walls creep and how i could swear that shadow just moved. and how that heaviness is heavier than the blanket that covers me. and how i wonder if that is God hugging me or if that's just the devil holding me. but it never really feels comfortable, which leads me to believe it couldn't be God. but then that makes me question where He is. and if He is "with me always, even until the end of the age," then i wonder why the demons rage around me late at night and i can never seem to find Him..

they say, "The teacher doesn't talk during a test.." so i guess my whole life has been a test. that or everything i believe is wrong. that or God must be asleep. that or He doesn't really care about my suffering. that or He didn't really die for me. that or "this momentary affliction cannot compare to the coming weight of glory that will be revealed to me."

[jacobthecreated]

random love poem.

love is like the ocean waves..

coming and going as it pleases.

sometimes too far.

sometimes not far enough.

sometimes gently, kissing the beach than fading away.

sometimes violently. crashing against the rocks.

love is like the ocean waves.

if i am a wave.

then you are the moon.

no matter what i try.

i can't help but be drawn to you.

[jacobthecreated]

small talk.

i was never really good at talking to people. i never really enjoyed small talk. making something up about how great the weather had been when really it had rained all week. but actually, i love rain, so maybe i was telling the truth. the awkward pauses. the never ending silences. i hated it. i hated going to parties or get togethers or hanging out in large groups of people in general. because i always knew i would be the one guy in the corner not talking to anyone. thinking about things in my mind. and everyone would wonder why i didn't talk to people. or why i wasn't trying to have a good time. when actually, i was doing just fine by myself. writing and rewriting lines in my mind about life in general. about how fragile life is. watching all the laughing and excitement. the drunken flirting. you can be so bold when you’re drunk. wondering how tomorrow would be so different if one of us died in a car crash on the way home that night. because we were all drunk. and when you’re young you feel invincible. when you’re young you feel like nothing can stop you. when you’re young you can drink forever and still be okay to drive. when you’re young, you believe you're going to live forever. right up to that moment when the windshield comes crashing in your face and you never wake up.

and i know that sounds harsh but that's how people live these days. have you ever heard anything as childish as "YOLO?" i mean, it took me several months to even figure out what that meant because i try not to keep up with stuff like that. but after i learned, all i could do was shake my head and wonder how our standards, morals and simple common sense fell so far down the drain.

i think sometimes we forget that life is a gift. i think sometimes we take so much for granted. right up to the moment when the rug is pulled from beneath us. right up to the moment when we lose everything we have worked for. and in one moment. it is gone. we are a car crash away from eternity. one drunken drive away from leaving this life forever.

and i think that sometimes we have entitlement issues. we think we deserve more than what we have. we think the world revolves around us. we get caught up selfishly in our own little problems while across the world governments are committing genocide against their own people. children are dying because there is no clean water to drink. thousands upon thousands live in continual conflict. bombs. guns. war. and here in the states people get trafficked right under our noses. but we don't care. 

it reminds me of how shallow people are these days. and i am not pointing fingers. i am guilty too. and i think it's okay to enjoy the finer things in life. i think it's ok to work hard and get what you have earned. i think it's okay to secure a future for you and your family. i think it’s okay to get an education (i wish i had) and use what we have learned to change the world. because the way that you change the world is simply changing the people around you. by being the influence and not the influenced. by standing up unapologetically for what you believe and never bowing down at the altar of compromise. i read this quote and it said, “Compromise is rooted in the fear that comfort is better than Jesus.”  and sometimes i think that is our problem. we would rather choose comfort than stand up for what we know is right. we would rather sit back and hope someone else takes care of the problem when really it is up to us. all because we do not want to get our hands dirty. or we want to be politically correct. or we don’t want to offend anyone. and sometimes i feel like this world’s problems are just far too big. and i am just one man. and i feel insufficient and inadequate to really make a change. so rather than try. i don’t do anything. and i am just a hypocrite.

and i know for a fact that i was created with a purpose in mind. and every time i just turn my head and do nothing. in essence, i tell Jesus, “When you died on that cross, well, that wasn’t enough for me.”

but over the past 6 months i can feel how much my heart has grown. i find myself getting emotional over the littlest things. and maybe that may seem lame. because i am a full grown man. with tattoos and a beard even. i mean, i even have knuckle tats. i should be really tough, right? but late at night i cry when i feel like i can’t do anything to change the world. i cry when i talk to someone and i can literally feel how much they hurt. and i can’t come up with the words to make them feel better. i cry when i  see people i love go back and forth with what they believe. and i cry when i do the same thing. because i am just as weak.

and i guess all the times i couldn’t find the words to say. all the times i couldn’t come up with enough small talk to save my life. i guess i was just being set up for this. because all i want to do is pour myself into people. all i want to do is remind you that there is always hope. all i want to do is pick you up when you fall. and love you. all i want to do is tell you about my past so you don’t feel like your the only one who has made bad decisions. all i want to do is tell you, “We all have a past, but better yet, we all have a future too.” and i just want you to know that no matter what you have done, He is capable to cover that. no matter what you are ashamed of. or what you hate the most about yourself. He is able to take that away. 

and i guess that is why i hate small talk. i mean, if we must talk about the weather, then lets talk about the weather.

"How do you feel inside when it's been raining all day? Do you feel empty like those clouds must feel? Have you ever poured yourself out into someone completely, like those clouds? And when the sun comes out and dries up all the rain, just as quickly as it came. does it remind you of that person you poured yourself into who walked away just as quickly as he entered your life?”

"And what about bright and sunny days? can you still feel that darkness creeping right behind you? feel that heaviness resting on your shoulders? and when you smile, do you think that people can see the pain in your eyes?"

"Tell me about the first time you ever got your heart broken. What was the weather like then? How did it feel to go home alone that night knowing that never again would your lips brush his?never again would you feel safe in his arms? never again would he say, "everything is going to be okay, i am always here for you." because now he isn't here for you."

“Tell me how it felt when your parents divorced. and tell me about how it felt when you told yourself you would never end up like them. and now that you’re older, you followed in their footsteps and now you’re divorced too.”

“Tell me about the times when you feel inadequate. tell me about the times that you feel insecure. tell me about the times you feel like everyone is better than you. tell me about the time you almost killed yourself because you couldn’t get over your sadness.”

“Or tell me about what makes you feel alive. tell me your dreams. tell me the secrets that you’re too afraid to tell anyone. tell me about the times that you doubted God existed. tell me about the times your cursed Him through the ceiling with fist clenched and raised. hating everything, especially the fact that you were made.”

and i am sorry. i know that can come off as really personal. and intruding. i don’t know why i want to talk about those things. i think i want to know these things because then i can feel like i am not alone. i can feel like you know exactly what i felt like. what i feel like. and you can feel like you are not alone either.

sometimes i think people assume that we have it all together. or that we never struggle with anything. or that i am stronger than my emotions and feelings and the lusts of my flesh. and i just want them to know that i am not. that every morning when i wake up, i cry out to Jesus and ask Him to walk with me that day. because i know my weaknesses. i know my struggles. and i am so scared that the second i get distracted i will turn my back on Him and walk away. just know, we are all in this together. we all hurt from the same things. there are days when the loneliness won’t go away. and no matter how many times i get up to speak in front of people. or say an encouraging word. just know i am talking to myself. i don’t have it all together. i am just like you. i hurt just like you. i cry just like you. i struggle just like you. 

and i think that the beauty of it all is when we acknowledge that we are not perfect. when we let down our pride and open up with each other. then we can help each other. lean on each other. love each other. because i want to know those things about you. and i want you to know those things about me. because i want you to know that even at your most vulnerable moment i won’t take advantage of you. even when you feel like you aren’t strong enough, i want you to know that His grace is made so perfect in your weakness. i want you to know that when you are overwhelmed by your feelings of inadequacy. by your insecurities. by all the things you hate the most about yourself. when you feel like you are so ugly. i want you to know that despite all of that. i think you are beautiful.