Well, yesterday it happened again. Leaving Halcyon after a failed attempt of reaching out to my community, i made a silly decision (which i recognized at the time and even more so now) I accepted a ride home from a random dude driving a Hitler Mobile (Tesla) And while at the time i didn't know but he would attempt to have sex with me. Well, i cannot say i didn't anticipate it. I'm hot shit these days and i catch the eyes of many, so i was prepared to turn down to any advances (well at least any consensual advances) that being said he made advances that were non-consensual leading to a bruised lip and a heavy feeling of violation and disgust. Disgust with myself. I remember after i was finally able to crawl out of his car, i walked into my house. I was confused, upset, all of these things that i cant really put into words. I felt tears but they weren't there. Phantom tears; what this tells me is that I'm holding it in? Maybe. I don't believe i processed it in that moment. I remember wanting to cry, but i couldn't muster up the energy? Maybe i couldn't muster up the permission to cry? To allow myself to feel what just happened. This is all so much to process and understand and feel. I kind of feel like its not a big deal but at the same time i feel like I'm internalizing the whole situation along with a slew of other fucked up shit that has been happening in my life. I feel like i am a "problem" right now. A pure liability to those around me which fucking sucks dick and balls.
Enters Tuesday. Someone who entered my life fairly recently that has me very excited, TOO excited even. That being said, he has mentioned a couple times how he has no room for liabilities in his life. Rightfully so; i mean, neither do i: Josue for a quick example. But this brings a concern to mind, that i am a liability and i do not have a place in his life long term. This feels so devastating because he's someone i so desperately want in my life, almost to a point of need. He is someone that i want to align myself with. The fact that he acts with such kindness and authenticity is really appealing, attractive as well but i value those qualities and want them encouraged at all times. I want to surround myself with people of like-mindedness to uplift me, encourage me and correct me, and he is someone who i can see taking into the next era of my life. He has a sweetness to him, a beauty, a gentleness that is so refreshing that i am scared of losing it. I've gotten a taste and i want to see where this goes, i want the full course meal that is Tuesday and dessert to go along with it. Is this so wrong? Is it so wrong to genuinely see him in my life for a while? Is it so wrong to WANT him in my life? I deserve greatness and i believe there's greatness in this man. I feel it. But, at the same time. Am i the counter part for him? And that brings me here. Does he deserve me? A young girl that has the whole world in front of her waiting for her to take the chance and reach for it? A young girl who has mistakes to make, plenty of them. A young girl, who might not be what he needs. And most importantly a young girl who has been assaulted twice in the span of two weeks. I know how insane this sounds too. Trust me. I have the voice in my head that's aware of how hypocritical this all sounds. I have not come to terms with the facts of these assaults and i still very much feel responsible. So, how could he want or need someone who has allowed herself to be assaulted multiple times over the past couple of years? How does he want or need someone who cannot stand up for herself? HOW DOES HE WANT OR NEED ME? Maybe i wouldn't want or need me and that's why I'm putting that on him. Trying to push the way i feel about myself onto someone else to enforce the negative feelings i have about myself??? A lot of words that was LOL
