J'adore Le Cafe

26 and from the US. Recovering from an eating disorder. Gluten free, Celiac, Vegan. . . .Femme Genderfluid She/Her or They/Them  ............. Free and finally Learning how to live.

[phantastische-illustrationen]

Vladimir Chebakov

[sakrogoat]

Luis Ricardo Falero - Moonlit Beauties

[valtsv]

[amargedom]

““she stuck a bookmark in my heart and walked away..””

—

[vaguesavage]

Thomas Shields Clarke, Fernbrook, ca. 1910, Photographic autochrome, Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts, Archives, Photo by Barbara Katus / Brian van Camerik

[kalesbug]

Trying to find something to motivate myself and I found this little line from Van Gogh

[cat-lover-1001]

[jadorelecafe]

So I messaged my therapist 2 days ago because I am not handling the trauma stuff we brought up at our appointment on Saturday well at all.

And he hasn’t responded.

The point of this app is that you have access to text and chat options on a daily or at least a few times a week basis 🤔 so far it’s been once a week call and that’s it. No contact outside of that and not responding to messages?

He didn’t even send me the worksheet he said he was going to this week.

So now I’m a little upset. I get that he has a life and other patients but don’t advertise that you can and are fully willing to message throughout the week between video sessions if you can’t do it.

[jadorelecafe]

Honestly why was my childhood so fucked up.

There were SO. MANY. CHANCES. for social services to come in and stop it. For someone to say something or do something. So many people just don’t want to get involved and so they don’t report very obvious signs of problems and abuse.

After going over the outline of my “mild” part 1 of my trauma stories on Saturday with my therapist I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all and just how more and more things were so much more fucked up then I thought. I’m just so angry for little me. So many people fucked up and failed her and let her nearly die so many times because they didn’t want to be inconvenienced by making a report or a phone call.

What. The. Fuck.

[jadorelecafe]

So…. What’s the protocol after a therapy session when you went went over trauma and your therapist clearly wasn’t prepared for the sheer amount of it and they only got a summary of trauma part 1?

Like I haven’t heard anything from him and last week he sent me a quick message to acknowledge the session and then sent me a worksheet. He was supposed to send a worksheet this time too but I haven’t received it.

And I’m really wondering…. Is he okay? Like he seemed a little fucked up after that session. Should I check up on him? 😬

[jadorelecafe]

When you tell your nice sweet therapist who probably never curses in his life ever your *fun trauma* stories. Just going over the basics and this poor man. He just keeps whispering “what the fuck” under his breath and then having to stop me and clarify “wait what? X happened? And she did y to you? And what?” And at the end when we got to end of things he just like drops his phone in his lap so the camera is faced the ceiling and whispers “what the fuck” and I laughed so hard and said “yeah, I agree.” And then he said under his breath “no wonder you have cptsd, depression and anxiety.” Haha yeah, I wonder why 😂

It was very validating.

[jadorelecafe]

He was so hurt by it though. Which is always jarring for me. I sometimes forget how fucked up everything was until I tell it to someone new. And they’re just blown away and broken by just the basic outline of my trauma, let alone the details.

I really think he needs a therapy session to unpack after all that. He was just… he couldn’t grasp it. It was like he knew humans could be so awful but he was hearing just how true that statement was first hand.

And he was still baffled at how I’m still going. Living a life. Creating a future. And making jokes after telling that.

Humans are resilient to a fault I guess.

[jadorelecafe]

When you tell your nice sweet therapist who probably never curses in his life ever your *fun trauma* stories. Just going over the basics and this poor man. He just keeps whispering “what the fuck” under his breath and then having to stop me and clarify “wait what? X happened? And she did y to you? And what?” And at the end when we got to end of things he just like drops his phone in his lap so the camera is faced the ceiling and whispers “what the fuck” and I laughed so hard and said “yeah, I agree.” And then he said under his breath “no wonder you have cptsd, depression and anxiety.” Haha yeah, I wonder why 😂

It was very validating.

[jadorelecafe]

Why does independence feel like a threat?

Why do I feel so threatened by those I care about most wanting me to be independent (instead of codependent)

I hate this.

[jadorelecafe]

“Open up they” said.

“Share what’s going on in your head” they said.

“It won’t scare me” they said.

Meanwhile as I’m explaining how I want to die but not actually want to die and how I got lost in my own head/body and checked out for a while and how I feel like an alien who skimmed the manual on how to work this human flesh prison but actually has no idea what they’re doing as is screaming constantly as they try desperately to not fail.

And they have the audacity to give me this:

[broderiemyworld-deactivated2020]

[resqectable]

“Surround yourself with people who know your worth. You do not need too many people to make you happy, just a few real ones who appreciate you for exactly who you are.”

— Unknown

[selflovewarrior]

enjoy the magic #02