On November 1st, I was feeling very bad, but now I'm calmer to share what happened. Recently, I went through another heavy bout of depression. Suicidal thoughts and even attempts, along with a lot of sadness, despair, and so on.
One thing that doesn't make sense is that everything in my life was fine. My only trigger had been a comment from my own son that left me extremely dysphoric. So, I continued my therapy at Casulo (the transgender outpatient clinic in my city) as usual, being honest and open with the professionals there during this delicate time, which coincided with the rib injury I suffered from wearing a binder. Even though I was depressed, I stayed strong in therapy, attending regularly, following the psychiatrist's recommendations to bring my partner for dialogue, and I even started a campaign to raise funds for my surgery. This gave me a boost, and I managed to climb out of the pit, even though my psychiatrist increased my medication dosage.
With the donated money, I was even able to have my first private consultation with the mastologist. As I mentioned before, I had given up on the public health system (SUS) after they lost my medical records from UREDIPE (the former outpatient clinic), and I spent ANOTHER YEAR at Casulo with the count of time RESET.
However, my hopes of getting surgery through SUS were revived last week when, during a consultation with the endocrinologist at the Casulo project, he started the referral process for me to go to Jean Bittar.
I filled out an anamnesis and did the same with the psychologist. When I asked the endocrinologist if he thought I could still have my surgery this year, he said it was VERY LIKELY. He added that on the 1st of the month, I should go to an appointment with the psychiatrist to obtain the last necessary assessment, and then it would be with the social services (to be referred to Jean Bittar). Obviously, I was SUPER HAPPY, thinking that I was going to get my surgery through SUS!!!
I don't know if you can understand how delicate it is to give someone with a dream hope. Especially a dream that directly relates to my mental health, given that the need for this surgery causes me to have very low lows, to become extremely depressed, and to desire to give up on my life!!! These were the hopes that were given to me.
I was so confident that I would have the surgery through SUS that, perhaps those who follow me have noticed, I reduced the promotion of my campaign.
On the 1st, however, when I went to the Casulo project (I had a routine appointment with a psychologist, and theoretically, I was ONLY going to do an anamnesis with the psychiatrist to get my assessment), everything went wrong.
Basically, the argument I heard was that the psychology and psychiatry team understood that I "had just come out of a crisis" and therefore I "needed to get better a little more" before being referred to Jean Bittar (the hospital that performs mastectomies).
You see, as I said, the reason for my crisis was a trigger that made me feel dysphoric. It was dysphoria that made me feel bad, it was the lack of respect and responsibility with MY DOCUMENTS when I was at UREDIPE, it was MY NEED TO HAVE SURGERY that seemed extremely distant.
How could I get better from what hurts before being able to get better from what hurts?? It doesn't make sense. I feel dysphoria about my chest, and this operation is an urgent need that is being neglected and affecting my mental health, but they consider that I FIRST have to get better mentally to have the surgery (????) Obviously, I gave myself the right not to stay in the Casulo office under the extremely stressful conditions that have made me go through this ONCE AGAIN.
The SESPA (the State Department of Health of Pará) should investigate my situation because at this moment, it felt easier to end my life completely; it was my support network that got me back on track!
Even if this "get better a little more" innocently refers to a few weeks, it still shattered someone's expectations in a CRUEL way. I sincerely felt driven to madness, and I left there desolate without even getting to talk to the psychiatrist.
To be honest, I don't even feel like GOING BACK TO CASULO!! Everything is an illusion. A lie. It seems that no one from SESPA or the Government of Pará really cares about the transgender population. We have to accept everything silently and pretend that everything is fine!
How can one stabilize after going through all the necessary consultations at UREDIPE, having my data lost, restarting the count at Casulo, having yet another year of regular follow-up, and finally, after all this time, being referred, only to be told that I "need to stabilize" first????
It's unfeasible. I don't deny the need for psychiatric and psychological care. I don't deny that this goes beyond my gender identity; I talk openly about it every day, I know I'm neurodivergent.
The question is, don't neurodivergent individuals have the right to have surgery as well??? After all, it's dysphoria that's inflaming a mental health condition I already have!!?
I won't allow myself to be silenced or buried by cisgender norms. I will fight for my surgery, by any means it may come.
I KNOW I'm neurodivergent, but I don't have a diagnosis because the psychiatry team doesn't give us diagnoses easily, but it's always easy to incapacitate us and say that we need to "recover from the crisis" before addressing the root cause of the damn crisis.
If I'm not neurodivergent and my crises are exacerbated by dysphoria caused by the need for mastectomy, I DEMAND, at a minimum: the mastectomy.
Now, if I'm neurodivergent and I have a mental condition BEYOND gender identity, I DEMAND my diagnosis and an ACCURATE assessment so that I have a basis for what exactly I'm recovering from, what my condition is, and what rights I have!
Furthermore, I still demand my mastectomy ANYWAY, because it's my right as a transgender person! After all, dysphoria inflames the inherent condition of whatever is affecting my mental health!
You can help me by sharing my case or donating to my mastectomy campaign through PayPal (US donations) (email: [email protected]), donations in BRL through the link https://campanhadobem.com.br/campanhas/mastectomia-e-consultas-do-kaleo
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