You know what’s the messiest thing ever??
My jealousy. My stupid, unjustified, meaningless, pointless jealousy.
Bro replies to that one girl and my entire week is ruined. I should slap myself ten times a day 🙂↕️💔 what’s wrong with me bhi. Also what’s wrong with her she indirectly called him 🔥 in public comments TWICE 👹
And what’s wrong with bro why does he reply?
And honestly, why did he reply to me? I did not expect any. Bro replied. Bro set the boundaries and then bro kept talking. I am not at fault here either, of course I would keep talking if he kept replying, I wasn’t exactly hiding my feelings 🙂↔️🙂↔️
But again, I can’t blame him. I don’t want to blame him. Maybe he is just like that. Replies to everyone. Talks to everyone. Teases everyone, jokes with everyone. Maybe he is just that. Who knows how many dms he gets from girls? And maybe he just replies to every single one of them? And matches their energy? If they’re polite and soft he is too. If they’re flirty he is too. I was chaotic, teasing, so he was too. Who knows? And what do I do with my feelings now?
It’s not like I developed them after he replied. Which is why I don’t blame him at all. My feelings were too much. Way too much to handle. And that’s why I even managed to gather the courage to text him in the first place. I was in [redacted] too soon. Not at “first sight”, no. I didn’t even notice his face at first even though he was the literal lecturer. But it happened very suddenly. I don’t know how. But I sure do know when. That day he drew that ugly af map (sorry not sorry), it looked like a chicken wing. He said he was bad at drawing but my god I didn’t imagine him to be THAT bad at it. He stood with his hands on his hips and started saying “don’t laugh. Whoever laughs will get an F” and we laughed even harder. One girl said “sir since you drew it this is the correct one” and he got so happy and said “learn from her. Thank you. CG4 for you”
I don’t know why that was the day I realised how adorable he was.
He thinks he is oh so scary, strict, “bad”, “You’re unlucky because you are in my class”. But who’s gonna tell him that everytime I see his face I just wanna cup his cheeks and squish them and then [redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted] the living shit out of him! 👹👹
He can be scary when he wants to be. On the day of the debate, all of us were nervous, scared, not prepared. Section 19’s debate was apparently bad and he got mad at a girl named Tajrin. He was already in a bad mood when my section asked him if we could delay the debate or not. He got mad. That was the only time I saw him frowning like that. His voice got deeper, he sounded angry and yeah 🔥 (I will not apologize I said what I said.)
Can’t believe I used to be jealous about Tajrin as well. She told her ELA instructor that her favourite person was him. She admired him a lot and blah blah blah. Then she attended a class with my section. She was on my floor at Maloncho. Every single time we talked she was constantly like “T**** sir this T**** sir that! He is great he is amazing he is so nice he is so blah blah blah” and this semester she can’t even tolerate his name. I asked what happened and girly pop spilled 😭😭 her viva was BRUTAL. Who says that to someone?! IQ test?! SERIOUSLY?!! I would’ve flung myself off of the 6th floor if he had said that to me 😭😭😭how is Tajrin alive?!
But hey at least I am not jealous about her anymore 🙂↕️🫶
He is not safe from boys either 🙂↔️💔 Architecture boys 🏳️🌈 sigh…one madafaka was squealing like a guinea pig when talking about him. I looked at him like 🤨🏳️🌈? He confirmed 🙂↕️🏳️🌈.
Why am I writing all these? I probably shouldn’t. In case he sees this it’s gonna give him an ego boost and he will start thinking he got game and he will become overconfident and then it’s gonna be worse for me 🙂↔️ stupid Jorina. Get your shit together.
Debate day was also the day I saw him laugh the most. Man literally covered his face with the paper sheets in his hand and threw his head back. He looked like he enjoyed the debate session with my section.
I may be wrong but that’s also when I felt like he probably doesn’t like his smile 🥹🥹 and that’s why he doesn’t have any pictures with wide smiles…
Again, who’s gonna tell him, his smile is adorable to me too? What are his friends for why don’t they make him laugh and then take pictures?! I make my friends laugh by asking if there is more hair on Rahad sir’s head or Ali sir’s belly 🙂↔️🙂↔️ useless friends. Do better.
Even worse, the day he wore that disgusting shirt (why does it exist), was the day I realised I [redacted] him. He looked sad that day. Or maybe he was just tired. 2nd day of Ramadan. Most likely tired. But that day, when he was leaving, I was walking behind him on my way to Tripti. At that moment all I wanted to do was run to him and grab his arm. Say nothing, just grab him, and make him stay a little longer. But of course that was IMPOSSIBLE. And my eyes filled with tears. Stupid, no? That was the moment I fell. Or at least the moment I realised that I was gone for good. Hard. Deep. For no reason. Without him even sparing me a glance. Without him knowing my name.
I have been doomed from the start.
See? No matter how messy the jealousy is, just like this picture, it’s not ugly. But unlike this picture, it doesn’t matter. Unlike this picture, my jealousy doesn’t have the right to exist. But it comes from my hopeless [redacted].
But it also comes from my insecurities. Every other girl I have ever heard saying they like him are so so so much prettier than me. I feel so ugly…especially in front of him. He is so….beautiful. He wore black yesterday. A tiny part of my heart yearns to believe that he did that because of the “full black outfit ugh” note on messenger. But the more sensible parts of my brain tell me that it is 100% a coincidence. Why on earth would he do that. Doing that would mean I matter to him.
He is just so…sigh…and I am just a sack of rotten potatoes.
I sometimes see his friends commenting “get married” and things like that. And he will get married someday. Probably very soon. He is getting old. What’ll I do then…?
People mock the ones who can’t forget their exes. The ones who don’t marry after the death of their partner. The ones who remain unmarried because they couldn’t have the one they wanted to love. People mock them, for not being able to forget their love. But isn’t their love is the purest of it all? Isn’t it the most selfless kind? Sure, everyone else around them say that they will get over it and they will find someone or they will learn to love someone else if they get married to then.
But no. I have seen people like this. I have met people like this. They know from the start that this is it. This is forever. And I am afraid, maybe he is my forever, whether he is in or not, whether he is aware of it or not.
I don’t know if he reads my posts or not. Or if he even sees them. I am probably in his snoozed accounts god knows.
I am afraid that if he reads this he will start hating me. But I need to leave all these somewhere, because I canot tell him all these directly. Not now not ever. And yes there is some hope that he will read this and know how much I already [redacted] him. Why? I don’t know.
In all honesty, I don’t think he will read this.
But just in case, if you read this, I don’t know how my post effects you, I don’t know if you find it annoying or not. Maybe you’re gonna roll your eyes and whatnot. But I want you to know that you looked amazing in black. Your silver watch would’ve been better though.
Also, orange suits you. Somehow. I don’t know. No one looks good in orange but you do.
Maybe…someday wear a white shirt? No patterns, plain white, and dark blue jeans…? White sneakers? Silver watch?
If you do it’s seriously gonna give me hope…make me think that there might be a chance of something.
I hate myself so much that even if you read this and wear that outfit I will tell myself that it’s just a coincidence.
And still….I can’t help but [redacted] you.
