Jammylittlefingers

✖️Don't reblog pictures of my kids.✖️ My parenting & family side blog. I'm in my 30s, (she/her), queer, partnered, and parenting E (‘16) after 2 years of ttc, and now baby R (‘20). Frequently too much information will be shared here, if you don’t like what you read feel absolutely free to leave. Thank you.

[jammylittlefingers]

It’s the oldest goblins 8th birthday. This feels like the first one that’s undeniably “old”, full child, can’t cling to that early childhood label any more. Sigh. The days are long but the years are short. Time really is wild. And parenthood needs a rewind and a pause button. (Also FF to be honest. There’s certainly plenty of boring and annoying bits.)

I was actually surprised when I read my last entry, both that it was so long ago- 2 years? 3 maybe? And that I was still have echoes of birth trauma. I still hate how both their births went, and some things do bring it up. But birthdays are no longer a trigger. And I had actually forgot that they used to be. Amazing what the mind smoothed over with time.

My feral little wildling. After teaching early childhood for a decade I thought I knew it all, and she blew it all out of the water. My first, my hardest, my unique little wonder. I remember so vividly journaling when she was a toddler, that I worried she would grow through me, break me apart. Like ice in a rock, like plant roots through paving stones. And they do, but there’s always pieces to put back together, better, w more experience, and amazing memories. Today she turns 8 and she’s found so much calm and joy, we’ve grown together and figured so much out together. I can’t wait for more. Parenting is such a hard job, such a blessed and cursed job. A gift. Soul rending indeed. 💔❤️‍🩹 Cheers to 8 years.🥂

[jammylittlefingers]

It’s oldest goblins birthday tomorrow. The house is decorated. The presents are wrapped. I had so many big feelings the first couple years on the night before her birthday. Big sad ugly birth trauma feelings. Not so much this year. Glad time and my own work have been able to smooth those out some. I’ll be forever annoyed to have had two bad birth experiences, and my crunchy hopes and dreams dashed in 2 totally different ways. But it’s not all jagged and awful. It’s just tallied up on the life annoyances board. Hopefully tomorrows a nice day for my big little goblin. 💝

[jammylittlefingers]

Baby the second started talking last month and is up to 14 words so far. So the concern level is reduced for now. She hasn’t repeated them much, and she’s not conversing yet, but she’ll dredge them up when properly motivated. Good job small one.

[jammylittlefingers]

18 month check up for baby the second today. And she totally pinged on the autism screener, moderately, not mildly, not just a little. I am. Fairly shocked. She is language delayed, but so social? So much eye contact? Social mimicry? It is indeed a wide and varied spectrum. I’m hoping if she is on it she’s generally at a more mild area than me or baby the first. It seems like it? I’m not sold she’s even there tho. We shall see. She is not talking, yet, so she’s fairly delayed w both expressive but also receptive language. So we have referrals for early intervention and speech therapy evaluations. Cool cool cool. This is fine. I’m not at all having half a panic attack about diving into paperwork and appointments and soooo much pressure and expectation and questions about milestones and our parenting choices again. Again again again. Ffffffffffffffff. Fff.

And also the great debate of how long do you wait and see, what’s normal, let them blossom in their own time, vs they are behind, you are failing them, must throw all the services at this.

And it has to happen on top of a dead washing machine that needs replacing, home insurance nonsense, tree trimming nonsense, my period just arrived, and I’m still super sad about my dad dying at Christmas. Also I was just psyching myself up for much dreaded mattress shopping and now that feels like it’s not going to happen for a million years and our mattress is just falling apart and I already hurt and sleep poorly because of children, I don’t need the mattress getting in the act as well. :massive raspberry noise, vague muttering about raining and pouring:

[jammylittlefingers]

Who me? Rubbing the babies bed stuff all over myself like a total weirdo in a desperate bid to try and keep her sleeping in there and not trying to start an MMA event w my face at 5am again? I deny everything.

I also got out the mix master white noise app we used when she was a tiny baby to add to the fans, lullaby music, and generic white noise we already use. Because please god don’t wake me up w head butts and eyelid clawing for a 3rd day in a row. Please.

Every kid is different I know, but I remember really liking age 1 w E? But upon further consideration it was 18-24 months that I actually liked. 12-18 can suck it apparently. Gotta power through the rest of these GD teeth and all the sleep regression BS… 🥴

[jammylittlefingers]

Continuing to chase that eggnog flavored seasonal dopamine. Take my money manufacturers of tiny Christmas clothes, take it all. 😆🎄❤️

[jammylittlefingers]

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” 🎶🎄 I’ve got a lot of last baby fomo feelings, so I’m dousing them in seasonal cuteness.

[jammylittlefingers]

Nothing like the panic of last minute Halloween costume shopping. I had most of what I needed to do E as Alice in Wonderland and the baby as The White Rabbit in my cart last night, but then I fell asleep and this morning half of it was out of stock. It was getting pricey w accessories anyway. I had wanted to do Pooh and Tigger first, but I was having a hard time coming up w a clothes-like costume for E that didn’t involve me painting black stripes on orange pajamas, since she’s usually against wearing non clothes, or being uncomfortably hot in a big fuzzy costume. Florida makes Halloween weird. I’m nervous she’ll refuse the tigger romper, but I tried to find the lightest one I could, fingers crossed. The baby will make a cute Pooh regardless. And I’ve got some generic Halloween clothes I can do something for E with, if Tigger doesn’t work for her.

[jammylittlefingers]

The 55 week leap is not going well. The baby has started w big drama losing her shit over everything, and nothing. 100% the baby who cried wolf. And she’s figured out climbing up on dining room chairs, and using them to get to everything else. Every glass of liquid or plate of food needs to be watched and hovered over at all times or she will try and eat/drink from it and then 5 seconds later throw it on the floor spraying it’s contents everywhere. And of course my incredibly self sufficient 5yo is impervious to getting this memo, and gets herself snacks and drinks and leaves them all over all the time. So they’re both pretty much 100% feral at the moment. My mom got hurt and I’m staying w her most of the time this week, and honestly I’m glad. I was burnt out before she got hurt and she’s easier to deal w then my kids. She’s more annoying, but there’s infinitely more downtime and less mess.

I still pretty much hate and ignore the leaps thing, but when your kid seems to be going off the rails completely any road map is better than none. Obviously they didn’t work w the first one because she’s ND and completely on her own schedule, so, that makes sense in hindsight. They’ve been a little more accurate w the second one who seems more likely to be NT.

[jammylittlefingers]

So I was thinking in the shower this morning, since my shower at home is cursed by horrible memories of labor, that this trip has sucked, but is still probably better than being home in the place I labored, that has all that terrible energy and memories anyway, on the actual anniversary of said events. Yeah, better. I did a major cleansing w smoke and sound right before we left, and I think it helped? But I also think I’d need one of those eternal sunshine machines to really finish the job and be fine there. Or maybe a major remodel. I think I might prefer just moving at that point. Burn it down start over. Anyway. My mom was thrilled to be able to actually attend a grandchild’s birthday party for the first time ever, even if it was literally just us and her opening presents and eating cake, so that was cute. There’s always so much to do I end up hating birthdays, or not hating them, but being a giant sweating ball of stress and anger for most of it. Even when there’s no guests apparently. There was extra pressure because it was her first birthday, and because E’s first was her best one. Her last two parties w just us because covid, I can’t say have been very high stress. Anyway. Birthday the first- I survived. But I’m very tired. Always.

[jammylittlefingers]

Happy 1st birthday to my littlest potato. I’ve been feeling burnt out as fuck this week and, Covid plus no child care help, that’s valid, plus the stress of taking small children on a trip, but also, I just remembered I lost my shit the day before E’s 1st birthday because birth trauma. Hello my old friend. It’s like, their birthday is for them and the happy stuff, but the night before is for me and my trauma! 🥳 Super fun. I’m so tired. Why did I ever think having kids was a good idea, la la la. The small one is a crying screaming mess because teething, Altho she already has every tooth for like her first two years already so wtf. And the large one is a mess because we’re away from home and our routines and she can’t handle it. So glad we drove for 3 days to come up here. I miss my house. I miss my pool. I miss my quiet convenient central air. I also desperately miss my child free life.

[jammylittlefingers]

E had a really good week for words. Speech therapy is restarted and she did great w that. She’s been regularly using please to say yes and ask for things when prompted (peas) for a couple weeks now. This week we also got ‘up’ ‘yes’ ‘no’ ‘day’ and ‘today’. Once each. I’m musing because this didn’t strike me as a big deal whereas 2 years ago I would have been like calling everyone I know. But, she does this. She will say something once, ever. Literally never again, for years. And also it’s not in conversation or in a functional way. We’ll just be chilling and she’ll yell something out, just once, and that’s it. I mean. Still yay? But. I’m tired? And there’s so much more to communication than randomly using a single word? I still cheer and hug her and everything. It’s obviously great. Gotta start small and build. Just. Years and years into this and. Yeah. Tired. But, trying to remember how excited beginner mom me would have been and tap into that a little more.

[jammylittlefingers]

My 11 month old is currently cutting 3 out of 4 of her first molars. At 8 months she had 8 teeth. Now at 11 months she has 11 teeth. The excessive number as well as the coordination w the month is so extra. Not even a year old and walking everywhere, babbling, w nearly a dozen dang teeth. Why such hurry. More slowly please. Calm down.

[jammylittlefingers]

My 5yo beastie has an outer ear infection for the 3rd time in a month. We keep medicating her, waiting for it it to heal, giving it 3 extra days, and then she gets 3 lovely days swimming in the pool, and then it’s back. Fuck swimmers ear. Yes she’s been to the doctor. She’s on prescription meds. Yes we’ve been keeping it extra dry.

I feel like one of those weird old zoo keepers tho, who’s like “Aw, I can tell old sparky isn’t feeling good, he hasn’t even tried to eviscerate me at all today, and that’s just not like him! Poor guy. You’ll be back at your murderous ways soon old friend.”

She hasn’t destroyed anything or tried to escape in like 2 days. It’s peaceful, but I feel bad that it’s because she’s so mopey and sad.

[jammylittlefingers]

I forgot this phase. This phase where you have to keep toys in the bathroom. So that when your crawling baby inevitably follows you straight in there you have something to hand them to keep them from unspooling the toilet paper or trying to dive into the trash can. Or just touch the toilet. :gag: please why. Did not miss.

[jammylittlefingers]

Get the baby her midnight dream feed bottle, get her all back to bed and asleep. Start trying to finish my before bed stuff. 10 minutes in right as I sat down and started pumping- crying. I ignore for a minute hoping desperately that crying ceases and sleep resumes. No. As soon as I go in and pick her up, she sniffs me, smiles, vomits all over my chest, and immediately face plants her entire head and chest onto it. Even gives a little wiggle to rub it into her hair.

“Ah, mom, the perfect place to vomit. My work is done now.” She screamed through a sponge bath and a pajama change without ever waking up enough to open her eyes, and is now sound asleep again. Which I guess is better than being wide awake. Take your birth control.

[jammylittlefingers]

I’m sort of kicking off a health kick. Since I feel like death all the time. And also my knees seem to be only working at like 50%. Which is bullshit, I’m only 38, I’ve had no injuries to them 🤷‍♀️. And also I feel awful in a bunch of other ways that probably should be reviewed by a doctor and maybe medicated. But I’m not really willing to jump on that at the moment, so. Healthier eating and more exercise. Let’s see if that gets me anywhere. I don’t really want to do keto again, even tho I felt good on it and it was manageable, mainly because I kind of ran my preferred foods for that into the ground. I’m thinking like, some kind of whole 30/Mediterranean/light keto kind of deal. More veggies, more protein, mostly whole foods, or ones w a few clearly recognizable ingredients, and wayyy less sugar and carbs. ✌️ We’ll see.

Now about today’s main complaint. I’ve turned to exercise because I feel crappy. But. Exercise makes me feel crappy. Ahahahahahahahaha why. Terrible.