dammit janet!

why do you give such great advice?

[janet-hyde]

Zoned out.

DAMMIT JANET!

I have a guy friend that I've known for several years (I'm a woman). It's been clear that's he's had romantic feelings for me off and on over the years, that I have never reciprocated. I've made it clear to him that I just want to be friends, but it's been sort of an emotional rollercoaster. In the past, we've gone for periods of time of no contact after I've told him that I can't be friends with him until he can deal with his problems on his own (especially when unrequitedly liking ME is one of his problems). I try to keep him at arms' length, but we see each other often because we're in the same group of friends. But he still complains that we never see each other and pushes for us to hang out one-on-one. I have a coffee date coming up with him, and honestly, I don't want to go. I feel bad cause he considers me his best friend. How do I handle this?

-Failed Friendzone

HEY FRIENDZONE,

Oh, the friendzone. The bane of "nice guys" everywhere. What an obnoxious, gross concept. The very idea of having a healthy, fulfilling platonic relationship with a woman? How terrible!

It seems like you're pretty much doing everything right. You've set clear boundaries, you've been consistent with those boundaries, you've tried to create some distance. 

Unfortunately, it seems like your "friend" has had trouble respecting those boundaries in the past, and continues to pressure you into a more intense relationship than you want. I put the word friend in scare quotes because disrespecting boundaries and pressuring you are not things a real friend does! A real friend would have taken a big step back after the first time you said you weren't interested romantically, especially after you had a period of no contact.

It's possible your friend is doing this out of a false sense of romanticism. There are certainly endless examples in movies of men relentlessly pursuing uninterested women until they finally relent. But your friend is a grown up, and if he doesn't know it already, he should learn quickly that this is creepy and predatory behavior. If he truly cared about you, as a friend or otherwise, he would respect your wishes. He would be upset to know that you felt uncomfortable or pressured by his actions.

But that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems like you two have a cycle, in which he presses his luck until you snap and then he eases off to a tolerable level, just to wait a few months to try again. That doesn't sound like friendship. That sounds exhausting.

I see two courses of action for you. You could continue as you are, holding him at arms' length and hanging out every few months when he's finally badgered you into it and you can't avoid coffee anymore. I don't think that's a long-term sustainable strategy because he doesn't seem interested in changing his behavior. But it's definitely the path of least resistance.

The other option: break up with him. Someone doesn't have to be your boyfriend for you to dump him. Regular readers will know I've addressed friend break ups before. In this case, I don’t even think you need to sit him down and tell him you can’t be friends anymore. It seems like you’ve done that. In fact, I think you should ghost him! I think ghosting is actually the appropriate response, for once. Just refuse to hang out with him alone anymore. Don't return his texts. When you see him at parties, be polite and friendly. If he tries to corner you, walk away. If he demands to know what's going on, tell him:

"Theobold, I've told you many times that I don't care for you romantically. You seem unable to accept this. That makes me uncomfortable being alone with you, so from now on I choose to never be alone with you. I'm sorry that this will disappoint you, but you must accept it and leave me alone now."

Some people might say that's harsh. Maybe. But continually pressuring and disrespecting your friend out of a false sense of being unjustly friendzoned is total bullshit. 

Men, don't do this! Grow up! You can find a woman that will be interested in you romantically, but not if you are too busy barking up the wrong tree and creeping out your lady friends.

Women, don’t allow this! We don’t owe anyone anything. If you are not enjoying the time you spend with someone, stop spending time with them. Easy peasy.

xoxoxoxo LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

Friends with no benefits.

DAMMIT JANET!

As an adult, what should you expect from a friend and how should you expect to be a good friend? I understand that sometimes friends drift apart when they get busy, and that's not a big deal...but if a friend purposely stops hanging out with you, but they still expect you to help out with stuff, is that acceptable? How should I respond?

-Old Friend, New Rules

HEY OLD FRIEND,

Wow I wish I had some more information here! This sounds like a potential pretty juicy friend dilemma, and let me tell you, I've had some doozies of my own. There are a lot of variables going on with this query, and it's hard to give strong advice without more specifics. Like, did you possibly wrong this friend in some way that you may not have realized, and that's why she stopped hanging out? What exactly is he asking you to do for him? If you aren't hanging out anymore, how are these favor requests being communicated?? 

Alas, like many expired friendships from my past, I can't follow up to answer these questions. (Why didn't my middle school best friend keep in touch with me when she moved just a few towns over?! My mom offered to drive to and from sleepovers. It was only twenty-five minutes away! WE HAD FRIENDSHIP NECKLACES! Did that mean nothing to her??!) So, I have to advise given the limited information I have.

As you so sagely noted: sometimes, friendships fade. Or end abruptly! And that's a bummer. Getting dumped sucks, even if you were not sleeping with the person in question. 

In some ways, breaking up with a friend is harder than ending a romantic relationship. While we have countless blueprints for what it looks like to dump your lover, the script for ending a friendship is a lot more ambiguous. We don't have the same societal expectation that friendships end, but let me tell ya: they often do. Maintaining a lifelong friendship is pretty damn difficult (unless you are my mother, who is extremely popular). I've been dumped by friends. I've stopped hanging out with people that weren't being friendly to me anymore.

And that's where we come back to what you started with: adult friendship. You are an adult. Which is great! Adulthood is fantastic because we get to decide so many things for ourselves. Like whether or not to eat ice cream for dinner, or whether or not we should continue relationships that are no longer satisfying. No one is forcing you into a playdate because you're both in the same tap dance lesson. You don't have to spend time with anyone you don't want to.

For whatever reason, your friend has decided to pull away from you. That may be upsetting, but that is totally her right! However, it is also totally your right to decline favors for someone who is treating you poorly, or in this case, ignoring you.

Here's my rule of thumb for favors: If the convenience to the favor-asker is significantly greater than the inconvenience to the favor-grantor, you should do the favor. If the inconvenience to the grantor is significantly greater than the convenience to the asker, politely decline. (Tl;dr: If it's going to take me two hours to pick you up from the airport, when you could take a $20 cab -- take the damn cab, bitch.) If the inconvenience to convenience ratio is equal...it just depends on how much you like the person. Family and romantic partners should probably always get the favors, and really, why are you even making them ask in the first place?

In your case, the inconvenience of doing *any* favor is going to be high, because you feel burned by the fact that your friend isn't spending time with you right now. In that case, I let you off the hook. Do not do favors for this person.

However, I would suggest (as always) having an honest conversation before throwing in the friendship towel. Ask your bud what's going on. Say that you miss spending time with them. Suggest a time to hang out. Be specific! It may be that your friend is unaware of the rift you feel, and by calling attention to it y'all can patch things up. It may also be that your friend is intentionally icing you out and trying to take advantage of you for manual labor as much as you'll allow! I just don't know. 

So, do the adult thing. Have the hard conversation. Once you have that information, you'll know whether you want to work it out, or cut your losses and mourn the friendship. I promise, you'll learn to love (platonically) again. 

xoxoxoxo LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

Friend Wants Benefits

DAMMIT JANET!

Sooooooo.

I was asked by an ex-coworker for help on a task that I used to be responsible for. Now, she and I are good friends. We still meet up for dinner and such. But I was laid off from that job after 5 years and I'm not finna help nobody at that place! Anyway, how do I tell her that without making things awkward?

Signed, Not Today

HEY NOT TODAY!

That's super annoying! Getting laid off blows, especially from a long time job. Sorry dude.

Unfortunately, things are already awkward. But your friend is the one who made it awkward, not you. She's gotta know that it's not cool of her to take advantage of your expertise, while she is still sitting pretty with a job when you lost yours. If she doesn't know that, she should learn. But she is your friend, and you don't want to be a jerk if you don't have to be. (Though I'm a big proponent of being a jerk when you have to be.)

I would say your response depends: was this a one-time request, or is she frequently pestering you for advice? If it's just this once, the path of least resistance is probably just to give her quick, straightforward instructions without going into too much detail. If she pushes for more, you can demure and say you're busy. You probably are!

But if she is routinely hitting you up for help, it may be time for a come to Jesus talk. It's totally reasonable for you to sit her down and say, "Listen, Bertha, I know that since I'm an expert on this, it seems really simple for you to ask for my advice. But girl, they fired me. I'm not going to do the work they won't pay me for. Ask someone else or figure it out yourself, because you're putting me in a shitty position."

If your friend can't respect that, then she is not a great friend and who has time for friends that aren't great?! Nobody.

xoxox LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

Big Game Big Worries

DAMMIT JANET! My buddy invited me to his Super Bowl party, but I'm worried it will be the usual with his in laws, neighbors, and their army of small kids.  SO distracting and noisy. Plus, the adults can't hold conversations because they're busy parenting. I don't wanna hurt his feelings, but I also wanna actually watch the game without all that hullabaloo! What do I do??? -Focused on Football HEY FOCUSED, Parents are such a drag, amirite? Always tending to their children and taking care of their annoying needs. They're always wanting to be fed or have a diaper changed or crying because their sister hit them. Real buzz kill. A warning to all you parents or would-be parents out there. Your friends are NOT INTO IT. Well, #notallchildlessadults. I really love being an auntie. And I would far rather chase small screaming children than watch football, so there's not much I can personally relate to in your query. However, matters of social niceties and appropriate party etiquette are definitely my area. Short answer: don't go to the party! One of the amazing things about being a grown up, especially a childless grown up, is that you don't have to go to parties you don't want to go to. Whether or not you hurt your friend's feelings has more to do with how you decline the invite than whether or not you attend. If there are as many in laws and neighbors and children as you expect, it's unlikely that your absence will be all that noticeable. So as long as you don't lead with, "Oh MAN your kids are annoying and I hate that you won't talk to me about babes cause your rugrats are in the way and I'm just here for FOOTBALL," you're probably in the clear. Depending on what kind of relationship you have with this buddy, a short "Can't make it! Thanks for asking!" will do. If y'all are really tight and he'd push back, give a little white lie about a prior commitment. Or if y'all are reeeeeally tight, just be honest. [Ed. note: has anyone noticed that my advice usually boils down to just saying what you mean?] It's ok for you to admit, "Ezekiel, I appreciate the invite, but I really just want to watch the game without distractions and be able to curse loudly and drink excessively without offending your small children. But I can't wait for the next BBQ/quincenera /block party to show you that I do value our friendship and respect your family! Just not while football is on." Hope you find the perfect, peaceful spot to watch the game in revered silence. I, for one, will be doing my damndest to make my home city and region proud by chugging Sam Adams and singing Dropkick Murphys to a bunch of very devoted Atlantans. GO PATS! xoxoxo LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

America is falling apart...what should I do?

DAMMIT JANET! America is falling apart and the first week of this horrible presidency is a never-ending nightmare. I'm a liberal white woman living in New York City, and I've been glued to the news and social media. I can't look away, and I feel absolutely terrible. But I'm paralyzed. Yesterday, I sat on my couch watching television and alternately crying in despair over the disgusting executive orders, and in pride for all the badass protesters gathering at airports across the country. I feel like shit. What do I do? --Janet HEY JANET, First of all, I gotta say I'm not sure I'm entirely on board with this whole giving-yourself-advice thing. It seems very self-indulgent and more than a little silly. But then again, these are not normal times, so I guess I'll roll with it. Secondly, let's acknowledge that your paralysis is a privilege and a luxury. You know that hiding under blankets and watching liberal wholesome family porn for hours isn't an option for the legal permanent residents being detained or the Dreamers holding their breath for the next cruel and immoral and illegal executive order. Also, let's be real: you know what to do. The internet is flooded with instruction manuals for the resistance. You are being lazy. Procrastination has always been an issue for you, I know. But how about instead of beating yourself up and wallowing in guilt because you didn't go the to Women's March - just do something. Donate. Right now. To the ACLU probably, or Planned Parenthood, or one of these organizations, or all of the above. If you can afford to buy a few cocktails (which you did on Friday night), you can afford to donate. Whatever amount you think you should donate, double it. You can afford it. Even if you can't afford it, do it anyway. The next time you feel guilty or helpless, donate again. This is one of those times that throwing money at the problem is actually helpful. Budgets for everything you care about are likely to be slashed in the coming months, so it's time to pony up. Reducing your booze budget is probably a good idea anyway. Write to your elected officials. Make a phone call. This is so easy, and also impactful. We have to stay engaged and constantly vigilant and vocal at every level of government. There are scripts all over the internet. Seriously, why haven't you done this already? And I know you hate crowds, but maybe work on getting over it? You've never been to a protest before, so it's intimidating, but there will unfortunately be lots of opportunities to show up. Find a buddy. Go with them. White women need to show up. We've got to be there. We’re late to the party, and we need to make up for it. Stop making excuses. None of this is fun going to be fun, baby girl. And you're probably going to feel shitty and inadequate often. But it is important not to despair, not to disengage. You need to be on the right side of history. You need to have concrete actions that you can point to, to tell your grandkids - when a fascist was elected and our country was in peril: this is what I did. This is how I helped. Talking about it is not enough. Get your act together. xoxoxo LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

I’m Noting Some Tension...

DAMMIT JANET!

I got a new roommate that moved in a week ago. He leaves passive aggressive notes about cleaning all over our apartment. Like, he left a note in the shower, protected by a plastic bag, saying that we should wipe down the shower every time we use it. He ended it with "Namaste" and there was also a puka shell. How do I deal with this?

-Obnoxiousness Noted HEY NOTED,

Oh yikes, there's a lot of layers of annoying in this situation. The level of planning to waterproof a note. The audacity of leaving such a note as a brand new roommate. The puka shell. Namaste! Let us leave aside for a moment the pidgin spirituality/cultural confusion of combining a puka shell and "Namaste". That is some dumb hippie shit, I agree.

Let us also leave aside that you probably should have done a better job vetting a potential roommate, and that a thorough discussion of preferred cleanliness and chore distribution should have happened already. There’s no point on dwelling on that oversight, cause he’s already living there. (Side note: is this guy on the lease? Do you have a formal agreement, or any legal paperwork? If not, it may be worth trying to get him out. But it’s probably too late for that cause even if he’s not on the lease, if he knows his squatter’s rights he’ll be there for a while.)

But I digress. Back to the notes. There is nothing more infuriating than such active passive-aggressiveness. He went to a lot of work to leave that note. As someone with a temper, I can understand how enraging this is. It would be very tempting to leave your own note on his door, requesting he not be so petty. Or to buy him a really subtle welcome gift.

But as anyone who has ever lived with a roommate knows, more notes is never better. So you should deal with this like an adult. As I see it, you have two options.

The first (worst) option: Ignore it. When you see the note, just take all of your frustrations out by ripping it into tiny pieces. If you want to also be a passive-aggressive dick, leave the pile of ripped up paper in a prominent place. Maintain a frosty silence when your roommate enters the room.

[Bizarrely, I know a lot of people that would prefer that option. But they are crazy. That will make you hate your roommate and your living situation and carry way more rage than you need to in these troubling times.]

The second (best) option: TALK TO YOUR ROOMMATE.

Say, “Hey Jeremiah, I notice you’ve been leaving a lot of notes around the apartment regarding your preferred methods of cleaning and maintenance. I don’t respond well to notes like that, and I’d really rather if we could have an honest discussion about these things and come to a compromise about chores. As something comes up that bothers you, please show me the respect to have a conversation about it. Because, by the way, namaste means “I’m showing you respect,” which you are most certainly not doing when you leave bitchy notes all over the place.”

OK, so that actually got a little aggressive by the end, but that is my style. I think the best route is to be direct, and respond directly to any future notes until they hopefully disappear. If you are never home at the same time, text him. Schedule a phone call. Have a house dinner. Force an interaction!

But also, keep in mind: it could be a lot worse! My sister once had $800 in cash stolen from her room by a Craigslist roommate when he resumed his little crack habit. When I was 23, I had a Craigslist roommate come into my bedroom without knocking in the middle of the night, accompanied by two police officers, saying “Hey the cops are here for you! JK, they are looking for my boyfriend and have to check your closet.”

So, notes aren’t that bad! Also, I hate to say it, but wiping down a shower is a good cleaning habit, so I guess a third option is just bow down and obey the notes.

Namaste!

xoxoxoxoxo LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

This is my...um, my...

DAMMIT JANET,

I've been with the guy I'm dating since the summer, and we've been exclusive for a couple months now. Recently, I offhandedly referred to him as my boyfriend not thinking anything of it, and he expressed that he isn't comfortable with me calling him that. But he says he’s still fully committed and wants to keep seeing me. The relationship is great and he's a great guy, so I genuinely don't care about how we label it as long as we're both happy. The only thing is that there have been instances where we've been out in public among friends of mine and they've asked if he is my boyfriend and I didn't know what to say. What should I do in those situations?

-Call Me “Maybe”

HEY MAYBE,

This is a strange situation, for sure. I’m not really sure if this is a relationship problem or a linguistics problem. The core issue you need to figure out: is your boyfriend (and he is your boyfriend, obviously, from what you’ve described) uncomfortable with the WORD “boyfriend” or the CONCEPT “boyfriend?”

I can understand discomfort with the word itself. "Boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are objectively stupid words for what they describe. English is kind of a stupid language! I can go on a long rant about why we shouldn’t be calling adults “girls” and “boys,” or why it doesn’t make sense to call our romantic partners “friends.” I don’t know how old you are, but if your boyfriend is a fifty-year-old man, I can see why he might object to the term. A lot of people reject those words because they’re too heteronormative. All of those are examples of why a reasonable adult might object to being called a boyfriend.

If that’s the case, simple! Just figure out whatever word your guy prefers. There are so many choices. Partner, boo thing, sweetie pie, significant other, main squeeze, slam pig, beau...the list goes on and on.

However, from your question, I doubt that your...person would have felt more comfortable if you had referred to him as your “One & Only” or “bae.” Seems like this is not a primarily language-based dilemma. I think this is one of those old-fashioned relationship questions.

And so I’m going to have to give some old-fashioned advice: go have a serious conversation! I really wish when your guy had told you he “wasn’t comfortable with being called your boyfriend but is still committed and everything is hunky dory” that you had followed up with: “But why?” That would have told us a lot. 

Does he have commitment issues? Is he rejecting the label as a blow to the patriarchy and the concept of monogamy as we know it? Does he have another girlfriend or a secret family somewhere? I have no clue why your guy felt uncomfortable with being called your boyfriend when you have allegedly been exclusively dating for months. 

So for everything to actually be great in your relationship, you should figure that out. Because while you *say* you are totally comfortable living without labels, that doesn’t seem true. If you really didn’t care about the label, it wouldn’t matter how you refer to him in social settings and you wouldn’t be asking me what to do. When you ran into friends that aren’t close enough to you and your relationship to already know the deal, you would just say, “This is Timothy” and give them a steely glare until they got the hint. 

So, what should you do in that situation? I don’t know! Go ask your boyfriend. If the two of you can’t come to a mutually satisfying answer, then he probably shouldn’t be your boyfriend anymore.

Hope that helps! xoxoxox LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

(not so) Hard Problem

DAMMIT JANET!

The guy I’m sleeping with can’t keep it up. He gets it up fine...but then loses it once things have gotten going. The whole thing is pretty humiliating. I don’t want to hurt his feelings by bringing it up. (Pun not intended.) How do I handle this?

--Killing Me Softly

HEY SOFTLY,

First of all, let me offer my condolences for this very awkward, common, adult problem. This is one of those issues that isn’t anyone’s fault, but makes everyone feel bad. Secondly, let me apologize in advance to all my male readers about the limp dick puns I’m going to have to include in this post. Don’t let them weaken your confidence.

So, SOFTLY, from your question it isn’t super clear what your exact relationship is to this man. Is he your boyfriend? Casual hookup? Husband? Not that my advice would differ much depending on your scenario...I’m just nosey. Also, I really hope you didn’t marry someone with ED without ever having an adult conversation about it before. Marriage requires multiple, extended adult conversations.

And this is definitely a situation that requires an adult conversation. It will not be a fun conversation. But it is very necessary.

Let’s get something clear: of course a tumescent member isn’t a requirement for fulfilling sex. If it turns out that there is really no way to rectify this situation, there are plenty of ways you can have fun together. We have the technology.

But obviously, you both like his dick, and want it to be an integral part of the action. And for that to happen, you’re going to have to figure out what’s going wrong. Which is where the adult conversation comes in. Sometime soon, you need to bring it up. We know it’s gotta be one of two things: a medical problem or an emotional problem. Neither are fun to deal with! But dealt with they must be.

So, next time you’re out to brunch or rock climbing or watching bad television, or whatever non-sexual activities you do together, just be honest. DO NOT start this conversation in the bedroom or anywhere close to a sexual encounter. If, immediately after he goes flaccid inside you, you say, “Darling, this pliant penis simply will not do!” -- it’s not going to be a positive outcome.

As soon as possible: find a quiet moment, gird your loins, and say: “Josiah, I know neither of us want to, but we should talk about our sex issue. I know you can’t help it and that you’re not happy about it either, but it’s a bummer when the sexy fun times end sooner than we’d like because you lose your erection. It makes me feel undesirable and gets in the way of my orgasms. Do you have an idea of why this might be happening? Can we schedule an appointment with your doctor, to explore physical reasons? Or find a therapist, to explore squishy emotional, subconscious reasons? Either way I’m here for you, but we’ve got to deal with this problem. Cause we are grown ups, and we want to bone.”

What you CAN’T do is ignore this, or keep pretending that it’s not happening. This issue will not melt away (as his boner keeps doing), and you do not deserve to feel constantly frustrated and dissatisfied. Too often women put aside our own pleasure and self-worth for fear of hurting men’s feelings. And it’s total bullshit. They are big boys. If he can’t handle having this discussion, his ego is too precious and he does not deserve access to your body. Yes, it will be awkward in the moment, but you will both feel better if you are moving forward proactively and with a plan.

Hope that helps. Good luck! Everyone keep your chins (and dicks!) up this week.

xoxoxo LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

Grey matter of the heart.

DAMMIT JANET!

This is a follow up question regarding last week’s love triangle. [Ed. note: it wasn’t really a love triangle, it was a guy dating two people at once.] So, what’s the rule during that gray area when dating has begun, but there hasn’t been an exclusivity talk and neither party really knows what’s going on? Maybe they’re sleeping with other people, maybe I am, who knows? What’s the policy?

-Gray Zone

HEY GRAY,

Oh man. This is one of those questions that edges dangerously close to my own dilemmas.

Back in the olden days when my mom was dating, it was assumed that everyone was going out with a different dude every Saturday until he literally claimed ownership over you with his ring or jacket or something and then you were going steady. Ah, simpler days. Back then, the gray zone was straight forward. You were dating multiple fellas until you declared yourself to your sweetheart. 

Modern dating is weird. People are in it for so many reasons - a series of randoms hook ups, someone to text but never meet, tormenting well-meaning, advice-writing comedians - but depending where and how you meet someone, it may not be clear what they are looking for. And unfortunately, in today’s dating climate, it is considered SUPER awkward to ask. I know this, because I have dated guys for weeks thinking we were heading towards boyfriend territory (why else are you talking to me on the phone for over an hour and taking me on elaborate dates?!), only to find out later that person is horrified by the idea of mild commitment. Then when I tell friends that, to avoid this, I want to bring up what I’m looking for (a boyfriend) on a first date, they look at me like I’m planning to disclose a horrible disease.

But really I think what makes the gray zone horrible now, when it was no big deal back in the day, is that back then -- no one was fucking! I mean, some of them were obviously, but you know what I mean. It was different.

Today, it’s very standard to start sleeping with someone after a couple dates, but well before the DTR talk. Which is fine! Get it, everyone! However, I do think it’s somewhat icky when people are simultaneously sexing multiple people because they “can” since they haven’t explicitly declared exclusivity.

If you are poly or otherwise not interested in monogamy, those are fine choices. But you should be VERY clear and upfront about it. Cause if you are going on dates with one person, over a few weeks, with increasing physical intimacy -- that gives the impression that you are in the early stages of a relationship, which for a majority of people means monogamy. I think it’s a dick move to feign ignorance of that, and skate around a technicality in order to have sex with multiple people unbeknownst to them.

So what’s the policy? Obviously there isn’t one that people agree on. But if there is: just be honest! Why can’t we just be honest?? Below are some helpful examples...

“Sheryl, I’ve really enjoyed going on 3.5 dates with you and I want to have sex with you tonight, but just to be clear: right now I’m also casually dating someone else. Not sure where it’s going, but I wanted to be honest. Now let’s bone!”

“Hey Franklin, nice to meet you. You look just like your Tinder picture. This date is so fun, but you know I only want sex and not a boyfriend, right?”

“Leonarda, you are fun and cool and I enjoy spending time with you. Also, your naked body is the bees knees. I’m not sleeping with anyone else and it would make me feel better to know that you aren’t either. I hope you don’t think that makes me a huge loser.”

There! Have I settled it? Sure hope so. Let’s all commit to radical honesty, shall we?

xoxoxoxo LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

Can’t choose.

DAMMIT JANET!

I met two girls days apart on Tinder. They’re both great, but different. I’m super attracted to both, conversation is great, they each have good careers and their own apartments. They are both great fits. But there's TWO of them. I’ve been seeing one for a month and a few weeks with the other.  I’m having sex with both of them (being safe, of course) but I don't wanna be having sex with more than one person for much longer, or lead anyone on. It feels weird/sketchy and I would like to lock it down with one of them and ditch condoms asap. Also, one of them might move out of the city for undetermined length of time and she’s unsettled about maybe leaving her job, which is making my choice even harder. How do I choose?

-Triangle Trouble

HEY TRIANGLE,

Wow! You’re in a real-live love triangle! How exciting!

But it seems like you are the only one that knows you are in a love triangle, which is less cool! At least on TV people know they’re fighting over their man. From your letter, it seems like neither of your ladies know the other exists. As a single woman out here in the dating trenches, what you are describing is my worst nightmare!

Now, it doesn’t seem like you entered into this situation trying to be a bad guy. But let’s be real, you are already leading them both on. People have all sorts of ideas about whether or not it’s ok to sleep with multiple people at the same time, but you seem to be the monogamous type. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you’ve been less than 100% honest with these ladies about the fact that you are simultaneously wooing another strong, independent career woman. I bet if they knew that, they’d be pissed. I sure would be!

So how do you choose? You just pick! Duh! Who do you actually like better?

Luckily you haven’t been seeing either of them for that long, and things aren’t that serious. Dating two people for a month or so while you get to know each other can be explained away, but having two oblivious girlfriends for much more than that just straight up makes you a jerk. This can’t go on for more than another week or two. If it does, someone’s gonna figure it out, and then maybe they both dump you and become best friends.

So if one is moving away soon, maybe you take the easy way out and pick the other. Flip a coin, see if your gut rebels against the outcome. Or go the route of radical honesty, tell them you’re dating another woman, and let the fall out guide your decision.  But if you really can’t choose, because they are both just *so equally great but different*, maybe neither of them are going to work out. It shouldn’t be that hard to know who you want to be your girlfriend.

xoxoxoxo LOVE JANET

PS I love your honesty about getting rid of condoms to be the prime motivator forcing this decision. Men - you are all terrible! So many lame excuses about condoms! But I’m proud of you for being responsible in this regard. Make a choice, wrap this up, then you don’t have to wrap that up. (I’M NOT SORRY ABOUT THAT LAME PUN. At all.)

[janet-hyde]

Feeling used and abused.

DAMMIT JANET!

My girlfriend has a history of substance abuse issues from when she was younger, but she got clean. The other night, we got drunk and she confessed that she's been using again for the past few weeks, and she thinks she has a problem. I got really upset because she had been hiding it from me, and she said she'd started using again cause she's deeply unhappy, which I also didn't know. I mean, I knew she didn't like her job and was going through the usual "I'm in my 20s - I don't know what to do!" stuff, but I didn't know it was this serious. I'm hurt because I feel like she was playing a character for me and living a secret life behind my back. I kind of want to break up with her, but I don't know if I'm overreacting. To be clear, it's not about her using drugs (she's her own person, and I do drugs on occasion so I'm not here to tell anyone what to do), it's the secrecy of it. What should I do?

--Feeling Used

HEY USED,

Wowwww there's a lot to cover here, so let's break it down.

1. It's ok to be upset and hurt. For one, we can't control our feelings, so why try? Also, this is a very upsetting situation. Someone you love is struggling with drug addiction! Upsetting! But I do not think that you should break up with her because...

2. She *was* honest with you, even if after a few weeks of secrecy. Three weeks is not a long time. It's less than a full menstrual cycle. (I can't pass up an opportunity to teach the ignorant about periods.)

Your girlfriend is hurting badly, and depressed, and is probably ashamed that she is using again. She came to you with her pain, because she wants your help. She didn't want to lie to you anymore. Sure, it would have been better if she felt she could have come to you before she started doing drugs again. But she told you about it, so let's calm down about the secrecy and the double life business.

3. You know, drugs are pretty addictive. And y'all are still young, so to think "substance abuse issues" are way in the past, and over and done with, is sort of naive. Recovery is a many-years long process. It's not something you deal with in your early twenties, and then it's over and now you're clear to get wasted with your boyfriend who likes to drink and occasionally do drugs.

Presumably, you already knew that she was an addict, just like millions of others. So it's surprising to me that you are so surprised. Even if you didn't know she was particularly struggling recently, this isn't coming out of nowhere. And, not to pile on, but you have some responsibility in this, given that this revelation came out of a late-night drunken conversation...

Because to be clear, alcohol is a drug. A powerful one. So if she is serious about being clean, you should not get drunk with her. She should not get drunk. Getting drunk on a regular basis does not a "clean" person make.

4. I know you are hurt and upset and feel lied to, but please, do not make this about you. This is not about you. Once more, with feeling: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. The problem here is not that she lied to you. The problem is your girlfriend's struggle with drug addiction. So I strongly urge you to be part of the solution. Support her and help her and make it clear she can be honest with you without judgment, as long as she is working to get better.

None of this is funny! Sorry guys. Take care of each other.

xoxoxox LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

Real talk: my online dating profiles are just for giving advice now.

DAMMIT JANET,

I suck at online dating. It's not that I'm a bad person, I don't think. I hope I'm not totally unlovable. I have some great, deep friends who think I'm okay. I'm just no good at making first impressions. I tend to try too hard to come off well and I end up seeming like an idiot. I recall one memorable attempt at a first impression discussing the etymology of a curse word and its place in society. On another occasion, I went on a long rant about how hard it is to make a first impression. Once I even wrote my first message as a question for the person's advice blog. I do not get many replies. So how do I communicate that I really am an okay human being if only you give me a chance? Or am I actually obnoxious and it's selection bias that I have friends who like me?

–Worst Impression

[Editor’s note: I assure you, this is a real message I received from OKCupid, followed by my actual response to that real human being. (Yes, I plug my blog on OKCupid, WHAT ELSE WOULD I BE LOOKING FOR THERE?! LOVE???)]

HEY WORST,

Don't despair. Everyone is bad at online dating, and everyone hates it, and no one gets many replies. I have no doubt you are in fact a good person with decent qualities. Trying hard and coming off like an idiot can be charming, under the right circumstances! I think you already have the right approach. Sending clearly personalized messages (maybe not so long, so it's less work for you) to as many women as one can tolerate, combined with real-world attempts to meet and flirt with people, is really all one can do. And you didn't make a bad first impression. Certainly not as bad as mine, in which I'm earnestly replying in advice column format to an okc message. See, we're all terrible and our friends are all enabling liars! Good luck!

xoxoxox LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

Ring-a-ding-dilemma.

DAMMIT JANET,

My husband doesn't wear his wedding ring. He says he's really just not a jewelry guy. I wanna be cool about it, but it does upset me. I've tried to talk about it before, and he says he'll wear it, but I don't wanna put him out.

--Put a Ring on It?

HEY RING,

I think this has to be a new married person problem that lots of women are dealing with these days. In the past year alone, there's been at least a dozen times that, after dutifully checking out a man's ringless finger, I started to flirt with him only to have him immediately mention his wife. DUDE. Wear a freaking ring! Don't be a tease. (This is a great time for me to complain that engaged men should also wear rings, as they are equally unavailable to me.) STOP MAKING ME INADVERTENTLY TRY TO HOMEWRECK YOU, MEN.

But I shouldn’t make this about me and my problems. Let's get back to you, and your finger-bald husband.

So what if he's not a jewelry guy? Most guys aren't! That's sort of the point, isn't it?

Listen, I get that lots of people want to redefine marriage, and that the whole diamond engagement ring thing is a relic of the patriarchy, etc etc etc. I'm as interested in abolishing the patriarchy as anyone!

BUT. Wearing wedding rings is just what we do here. You bought rings for each other, you made a huge commitment to each other, you live in a society that places a lot of symbolic and practical weight on wearing those rings.

So why should you be cool about it? I say that he's actually being uncool about it, because you've made it clear this is important to you and he's brushing off your concerns. A personal pet peeve of mine is when dudes make women feel like unreasonable nags for talking about emotional priorities. And besides, there's a weird gender double-standard about the guy choosing not to advertise his marriage that just comes off as slightly slimy to me. (I don’t mean to imply your husband is slimy or philandering! But there are definitely slimy philandering husbands out there somewhere.)

If he didn't want a wedding ring, that should have been dealt with up front. He could have suggested matching tattoos or pet parakeets that follow you around to proclaim your love to strangers or some other symbol of your everlasting commitment. But the fact that he has a wedding ring indicates to me that at some point he agreed to wear it.

And now he is constantly putting you out, and making you uncomfortable, by not wearing this thing he agreed to wear when you got married. I say, don’t be afraid to make him a little uncomfortable as well by forcing an honest conversation about it.

So make a stink! He married you, he loves you, he should care about your strong feelings. Tell him how much it matters to you, and hopefully he'll agree to wear it. My guess is that he really doesn’t understand how important this issue is to you.

And if that doesn't work, invite me over and I'll hit on him until he sees the error of his ways and wants to advertise his unavailability.

[janet-hyde]

Squeaky clean situation.

DAMMIT JANET,

I drop off my laundry at the wash and fold. When I got the most recent load back, there was some random girl’s shirt mixed in with my clothes. My wife thinks that someone must have left her shirt at our house. How can I convince her I wasn’t cheating?

-(No) Dirty Laundry

HEY DIRTY

What a very New York City version of the lipstick on the collar conundrum! For you lucky readers with easily accessible washing machines, let me explain: the wash and fold service is magical. Instead of spending very depressing hours in the laundromat, for a couple extra dollars per load, some faceless stranger will wash your clothes for you and then perfectly fold your underwear. It has been life changing for me. And it seems to be changing your life, too, DIRTY!

A reasonable person’s first reaction to finding a stranger’s shirt mixed in their bag from the laundromat would be “How weird, some random stranger’s shirt got mixed in with our laundry!” I would like to give your wife the benefit of the doubt that she is a reasonable person. So, does she have a reason to suspect you of cheating?

I’ve got the strong feeling that there has been at least a small transgression in the past that has your wife on high alert and looking for problems. Given that you’re bringing this to me, I will assume this was, in fact, a weird coincidence and not evidence of actual cheating. (Besides, that would be a bizarrely considerate yet inept move on the part of an adulterer to launder a leave-behind. And what kind of hussy is leaving your place without a shirt? A stray bra or panties, maybe…) So, tell your wife it’s a weird coincidence. But don’t make her feel crazy about it. Getting angry and flatly denying something is only likely to make her feel more suspicious and insecure. I’m suspicious of you and I don’t even know you!

Seems like what your wife actually has to be convinced of is that you are trustworthy. And that’s a big task that happens over a long period of time. If something this small and random can shake the foundations of your marriage, you’ve got work to do. Couple’s counseling might be a good idea.

In the meantime, switch laundromats.

xoxoxox LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

Dating app dilemma.

DAMMIT JANET,

I'm just starting a relationship, but I'm having a really hard time giving up the dating apps. I'm addicting to swiping. We're just about at that point where we're deciding to be exclusive- she just asked me today if I'm seeing anybody else (I'm not). I'm interested in just being with her, but I really don't want to give up the apps -- it's like my Candy Crush. Is this a dealbreaker?

-’Appily Falling in Love HEY APPILY

This is the most 2016 problem ever. While this question makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit, I can also empathize with the addiction to mindless sweeping and swiping. Candy Crush is my Candy Crush. It's my not-so-secret shame. Sometimes when I close my eyes at night I see neon green candy squares. I try not to talk about it.

My advice to you depends on how you really feel about this woman and how she feels about this. Do you care about her enough that if she really forced the issue, you would give up the apps? [ED. NOTE: For my non-millenial readers -- aka, Hi Mom! -- here’s a quick rundown on how many effing dating apps there are now. This isn’t even all of them. Please don’t suggest a new one for me to try.]

Have you laid it out to her like you laid it out to me? While it sounds somewhat reasonable, I'm trying to imagine how I'd respond to a dude saying it to me. "Babe, I only have eyes for you, but I really love spacing out while judging the endless thousands of faces of available women in this city. I promise I don't want to date any of them. I only want to date you. I just want to stare at their faces while I sit on the toilet." I would probably not be impressed.

But maybe she won't care! Maybe she'll get it! Maybe she's doing the exact same thing right now! So first, ask her. If she says it's no big deal, you can continue to swipe away guilt free. Except feel guilty about all the anonymous women you're leading on! In this scenario, obviously your lady would have to feel confident that you're not going to message anyone.

If she DOES mind, then I would strongly implore you not to let this be a dealbreaker. That would be crazy. Sure, the apps are fun...but isn't the point to find a real live woman at the other end? You've got one already! Find another app to get addicted to and use it to ignore the beautiful IRL woman sitting right in front of you.

xoxoxox LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

I have a phobia of blood and am extremely squeamish around it due to surviving a traumatic event. The sght and smell makes me vomit. Am I still obligated to have sex with my girl on her period?

Hey Anonymous..

Another easy one! I love easy questions!

Um, NO you are not obligated to have sex with anyone, ever, under any circumstances. Let’s be very clear: every sexual activity should be engaged in enthusiastically or not at all!

Your situation definitely goes beyond garden variety squeamishness or just thinking periods are icky, which is what I was going after in my most recent advice. But this is surely a special case. No woman wants you vomiting on her, especially when naked. (Well, maybe some women would want that, and no shame on them I guess, but I’m assuming neither you nor your girl are an emetophiliac.) And I can’t imagine any potential sexual partner that, knowing this information, would continue to pressure you to have sex with her while she's menstruating. I think honestly is always the best policy. You don’t have to delve into the details of your trauma to communicate you really can’t handle blood.

And of course I’d be remiss if I didn’t check in – you’ve gotten some counseling after surviving this traumatic event, right? Please do, if you haven’t, and keep going when you need to. It’s probably worth working on this phobia – maybe not just for the sake of period sex (though it’s a worthy goal as any) – but there’s plenty of blood in the world and it’s better not to constantly make a bloody mess into a bloody pukey mess.

Thanks for the follow up question!

xoxoxox LOVE JANET

[janet-hyde]

A period piece.

DAMMIT JANET,

I'm afraid to have period sex. I've never done it before. I've been dating a girl for a few weeks, and she is vehemently into having sex when she's on her period. What should I do? -Bloody Scared HEY BLOODY, You should have sex with her when she's on her period. Duh! This is a no brainer. Yes, of course, menstruation is a very mysterious and frightening process that men cannot possibly understand. Hahaha men are idiots. (Hint: I am kidding and if you are old enough to have sex, you are way past the point when it's acceptable to think periods are icky! Inform yourself please.) I'm going to assume you are young and inexperienced, and not waste more time berating you. And honestly, there are women that aren't comfortable with having sex while menstruating, and that is totally their business and fine. But, dude. You have a woman that is eager to have sex with you! And since you are asking me about this, I assume you like her too. So get to it! Just throw down a towel and have a washcloth handy. Depending on how heavy her flow is, you may not even really notice and all this worry is for nothing. Mind you, you may REALLY notice and that can be kind of amusing too! Just have a sense of humor and don't be squeamish. She is the one suffering on her period. So what if you get a little blood on you for a minute? Help a sister out.

xoxoxox LOVE JANET