The Witcher™

[jaskiersass]

Esteemed blogger... is it jaskier sass or jaskier's ass?

Yes

[bluedillylee]

Is your witcher creepy or wet today

[helpfulhellhounds]

they recast the main character???? are you fucking KIDDING me????

[sachart]

Saw a pretty shirt on pinterest, instantly decided Jaskier deserved it

[podcastenthusiast]

My personal rating of jobs I've seen Geralt have in modern AU fics:

Military: 3/10 - I get it in the sense that his work is his life and he's Seen Some Shit, but I just can't picture Geralt taking orders consistently enough.

MMA Fighter/Wrestler: 5/10 - It's got the violence! I could see it. I enjoyed the fistfighting quests in the game. Just not my favorite tho.

Bodyguard: 7/10 (10/10 if he's protecting Jaskier) - He is a big tough-looking boy! Likes to keep people safe. But I think he would get bored long-term.

Personal Trainer: 7/10 - A solid choice. We know he's qualified.

Regular Office Guy: 2/10 - Very funny to imagine but I don't think he'd actually make it past the interview.

Mechanic: 6/10 - I could kinda see it if you think of a car as like a modern horse.

Criminal/Gangster: 3/10 - Admittedly I haven't read one of these but I have trouble imagining it.

Lawyer: 8/10 - Saw this once or twice and honestly I'm here for it. Geralt is a huge nerd with a strong sense of justice.

Animal Control Guy: 9/10 - I picture this like that quest in W3 where Geralt had to save that goat except it's his entire job.

Trucker: 10/10 - God tier. Got the traveling, the isolation, the way the job gets in your bones. Perfection.

Anything With Horses: 10/10 - Yes! Geralt is absolutely a horse girl in every universe.

Still A Witcher Somehow: 10/10 - Love these fics with my whole heart. Geralt probably living in his car, wandering the city with a sword and protecting people (like Jaskier) from monsters nobody knows abiut/believes in? Fuck yeah.

[jaskiersass]

please link any good fics friends

[i-seeaspaceshipinthe-sky]

“Dandelion,” Rience finally spoke, slipping his hand back into the pocket of his sepia-coloured tunic, “answer my questions. Please. I have to know the answer. It’s incredibly important to me. To you, too, believe me, because if you answer of your own free will then—” “Then what?” A hideous grimace crept over Rience’s narrow lips. “Then I won’t have to force you to speak.”

Jaskier + body language (surviving interrogation) (knowing everything about Geralt and Ciri)

[yeraskier]

okay okay so we all know jaskier likes to wear particularly bright and “out there” outfits right? and geralt’s all… ya know. just black attire all the time no matter what

and i’m not sure if geralt’s ever actually made a comment about the way jaskier dresses in the show or books or videogames but it comes up so much in fics that it might as well be canon

so just imagine one day they’re heading to an event and jaskier’s finally ready and he turns to geralt and goes “what do you think?”

and he expects some lighthearted insult because he’s wearing a matching set that’s yellow (or bright blue or purple) and of the finest silk and it has these little designs along the collar that look like flowers so of course, his boyfriend whos clad in back (as usual) would just tease him a little as usual, right? RIGHT?!?!?!!

but geralt’s eyes grow all fond and there’s this little smile on his face as he looks at jaskier and then he walks up to the bard and wraps his arms around him and gives him a kiss so chaste jaskier might faint on the spot

then he pulls away and looks jaskier dead in the eyes and goes, “i think you look lovely” and jaskier knows when geralt’s being genuine, okay? and that was a genuine moment.

and then geralt lets go of him and walks away, says something about getting roach ready and just leaves. he just goes like he didnt just completely alter jaskier’s entire life on one sentence.

and jaskier is left standing there frozen in place, gawking at the space geralt just stood. his mind is just full of thoughts, so many thoughts that it’s practically glitching because

what the fuck just happened?

[jaskiersass]

Gerlat notices. how could he not?

[captainprissyprincess]

God can you just imagine season 2 Jaskier getting super excited about something and just picks Geralt up, spins him around and then puts him down without really thinking about what he's done and Geralt is just standing where he was dropped with "something has awakened in me" being the only thought going through his mind

Yennefer sees this and laughs her ass off at Geralt and Geralt's looking at her like: you're laughing. I'm literally dying right now and you're laughing.

[silvipeppers]

>:3 and -_-

[spielzeugkaiser]

This may be the stupidest 'verse so far, but if we are currently talking about shapeshifter!Jaskier, who remembers the adorkable wolves?? [Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4]

[darkverrmin]

Geralt who knows every nobleman's dirty little secret, thanks to Jaskier, who likes to gossip with his Witcher and knows everything about everyone.

Some prick refuses to pay Geralt for a job he did, he calls his guards and expects Geralt to leave. And Witcher says "Oh, fine. I'll just go, then. Though I wonder how would your wife react if she found out that you're sleeping with her sister?"

And the nobleman is in shock, because how does a Witcher know something like this about him?? (flashback to jaskier gossiping about said noble a few weeks ago)

"...Do you also need a place to stay? A hot meal?"

"Just the coin, thank you. Make it double."

Geralt uses the extra coin to buy Jaskier something nice, because he deserves it.

[darkverrmin]

@xyberry

[dear-ao3]

saph!! a gift!! for you!!

omg thank you i agree

[darkverrmin]

How people see them:

How they really are:

(because sure, geralt is a scary witcher™, but in the end, all he wants is some peace and quiet and a good nap. jaskier thinks about destroying and crushing his enemies while making a flower crown and humming to himself)

[fioblah]

prepare for trouble

tip jar

[deepspacepirate]

CD projekt red: Geralt dresses like a normal person

Netflix: fuck it he's goth now

[deepspacepirate]

In the games, Geralt mostly wears brown due to his leather armor, as well as a smattering of red and blue in some of the textiles, like gambeson, shirts, robes, scarves, etc. These are normal medieval colors and would be accessible to the common person.

But in Netflix adaptation, he wears black and ONLY black, which is crazy because, black was actually considered a luxury dye in the middle ages because of how complicated the dying process was. And even then, you wouldnt get a true black; it was going to be blue/black, red/black, or yellow/black. It wasn't until the 17th century that true jet black was possible with the introduction of logwood from Central America.

But Geralt's clothing and armor in the Netflix adaptation IS a true black. And these aren't even clothes for any special occasion?? It's just his normal day to day wear. Like can you even imagine??? This random guy walks into town wearing the most expensive textiles you've ever seen and then says he's going to go fight monsters in them?? What a damn flex.

[deepspacepirate]

Geralt who buys normal leather:

Geralt who only buys expensive Luxurious Black leather:

[mindfulwrath]

Alternate scenario, considering the amount of Unidentified Black Ichor spilled by various monsters throughout: Geralt: hey can you help me? this damn stain won't come out of my good leather armor A Textile Worker Who's About To Change Geralt's Whole Business Model: holy fucking shit dude

[ruffboi-mags]

i raise you: this has been Known (tm) for a long time, that monster ichor is a good black dye, if you can afford it.

Witchers dress entirely in black as advertisement of their role as monster hunters, because for them, it is relatively easy to acquire.

if they have a chance, they will collect small amounts and sell it, but they tend not to bother unless they have new clothes or armor they need dyed, and then sell the rest to the person treating their clothes, which makes it still pretty rare/expensive for everyone else.

And that's why people always know Geralt's a witcher even before they get a close look at him, because he's in all black and that's basically the Witcher uniform.

[ruffboi-mags]

Also I forgot to add: If they wear all black, with all that black ichor, they don't have to worry about looking super gross and unkempt bc of ichor stains.

Granted, they still can look gross and unkempt for other reasons, but it won't be bc of ichor stains they can't get out.

[kindlingonfire]

My rendition of Yennefer 😌🖤

[darkverrmin]

Geralt, arriving to Kaer Morhen and trying to forget about his huge crush on Jaskier, discovering that his brothers are also busy pinning their love interests