walking on a high wire

I'm jasmin and I'm still trying to figure myself out, as well as the world. Lover of words, linguist & M.S. CF-SLP to be. Constantly in pursuit of growth.

[jasminjuthdy]

I just want you to know that it’s been over 8 years since we last exchanged words and I still think of you. That’s how deeply your words made a mark on me. 

I just want you to know that I think everything you ever told me or that I was told about you was and is a lie. I can blame me being naive, young, foolish, stupid... but really I was just so very pathetically hopeful that what we had was real, that I had found someone special in you, that we had something special. I know now that every single moment and thing you said was a lie. I didn’t lie though. 

I just want you to know that I was unapologetically me whenever I talked to you. You’re one of the very few people who has every gotten the full me. I wish that had been reciprocated. 

I just want you to know that even though everything from you was a lie, the damage was very much real... still is real. 8 years later I’m still navigating around many of the broken parts of me you left behind. I’m often overly anxious in my relationships. I fear that they’ll leave. I fear I’m not good enough. I fear that none of it is real.  

I just want you to know that I fell in love and I’m married now. Despite the pain you caused and the fact that I have a lot of mending to do still. Yes, I often fear that he’ll leave me. I fear that one day he’ll realize that maybe I’m not really what he wanted... and in all my anxiety, I know I tend to push him away. He is patient though. He continues to stay. He continues to love me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell him about you. Maybe one day I’ll tell him about the hurt that no matter what I do or say, just won’t seem to fade. 

I just want you to know that I still think of you every now and then. I hate that I do. I wonder if I ever cross your mind and if you ever get the itch to reach out to me. I’d like to think that a tiny part of you misses me, but again I know that it’s most likely not the case.

I just want you to know that a part of me still holds onto memories I have of you, both the good and the bad, and no matter how hard I try to shake you, I just can’t. I thought time would make it all fade, but I was so true with you and it hurts me to this day that it wasn’t the case for you. 

I just want you to know that the tiny part of me that hates you still, continues to have love for you as well. A bigger part of me hates myself even more for that. 

I just want you to know these things, but you never will. 

[remanence-of-love]

[jasminjuthdy]

adieu.

Here is my last letter to you.

Wherever you are now, whoever or whatever you became, these are my last words to you. It’s safe to say that I’m not the person you left behind 7 years ago. I’m no longer 21, lost and confused and stupidly yearning for you. I’m still a little lost sometimes, sometimes a lot lost, and I don’t think that will ever go away, but I’ve come to learn that that’s okay. I don’t really enjoy the same music I used to, read the same books, write like I once I did or even think the same thoughts... the me you used to “love” is gone and although I miss her sometimes, I like the me I’m continuing to grow into. I don’t know if you would, though we’ll never know. I don’t think we’d argue the same way, agree about the same things, or have the same interests anymore... to love someone is to continue learning them, to continue working and growing together, and we both stopped doing that years ago, so how could that love that once was continue... We would be strangers now, but I do still care for you, for the you, you once were, for the us we were together, and part of me will always love you & miss you, but it’s complicated...

If you were to come back to me today, if you were to apologize and explain, I’d gladly take you in my arms and listen to all you had to say, before softly kissing your cheek and saying goodbye one last time. The goodbye I never got to say.

But I would let you go all the same.

There was a time in my life where if you were to have come back, if you were to have knocked on my door and stood in front of me with nothing but sorry’s, I would have let you in again, minimal questions asked. But I’m no longer that person, nor do I want to be. I’m happy with my life now, and I wouldn’t want to lose the things, experiences or the people I’ve gained.

I would not do it over 1000 times for you... you didn’t deserve the one time we had.

As much as you influenced my late teens and early 20s, as much hurt as you caused, as much as I cared for you and as much as I wish that you were still here, I know that it’s a good thing that we did not do life together.

I met someone who loves me and means it. Sometimes I catch him staring and he looks at me as though I’ll disappear and it scares him. He constantly tells me he loves me and how much he does. He shows me off. He is there for me when I need him. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy, but he also makes me mad sometimes, and above all he truly is my constant and he feels safe, he feels like home. He is actually here.

We’re engaged.

We have a home together.

We have pets together.

And as we plan our future together, I can actually see it happening instead of just being hopeful it does.

So this is my goodbye to you.

I’m finally ready to let you go.

I didn’t get a last goodbye, I didn’t say my peace, I didn’t have the last word. You stole that from me. For the longest time I resented you for it, but now I’m at peace with it. I’ve learned that no matter how much we may want closure, sometimes you just don’t get it.

From the bottom of my heart, I truly do wish that you’re still out there, as impossible as that was made out to be to me, I really do hope you’re okay. That you’re happy, that you’re thriving. I really do wish you well.

And lastly, I forgive you.

I hope we meet again, I hope you get to meet this Jasmin. A tiny part of me hopes that you’ll be proud of her, and that you would like her too. If you’re out there, if you ever see me at a coffee shop, please say hello. I’d love to talk once more.

Goodbye you.

[jasminjuthdy]

i wanted to tell you some things. some great things, some happy things, and some not so good. 

i’m doing well in my career. i love what i do and i love that i can give back to the my community in this way. it’s not much, but its something. i’m hoping for a change soon, as much as i’ll miss where and who i work for, i also know i need to give myself space to grow. 

i’m engaged. me, engaged? let alone a relationship? who’d have ever imagined. but this boy... if i could i’d make a home in the lines his eyes form when he smiles. we met over 4 years ago, and first we were friends and it feels like all of a sudden, we became so much more than that. he’s not perfect, far from it and we’ve had our fair share of downs, but he makes me happy and i love him so. you were right, no one is going to love me the way you did, but those who have, i’m ever so grateful for because they’ve shown me the kind of love you never gave me. 

i did it. i moved far from home, not new york far, but still the farthest i’ve ever been. after everything, san francisco still sounds lovely, so here i am. some days i still can’t believe it. not until i’m walking through the dirty down town streets, throwing on a sweater as the fog rolls in, craning my neck to get a glimpse of the sky past the sky scrapers, or driving up and down the hills, does it hit me sometimes. it’s been almost 3 years since i moved up and i cant see myself leaving the bay anytime soon...

however, as you remember my parents aren’t getting any younger. my dad is 71 and my mom is 67 and i know they’re ok for the most part, but i can’t help but worry. so i think of going back home often, think of being close to take care of them, think of being there just in case. time is so precious, so fleeting... you of all people would know that. 

my sister moved back to “the mainland” and it’s nice to have her close again. well she’s a few hours drive away, but still so much better than only seeing her once a year. for now, she has stepped up and is helping out with my parents when they need it and i get to hug and kiss my niece and nephew so much more often. to be honest, they’re the reasons i believe in love at first sight. i’ve never loved anyone the way i love them and if i could, i’d give them the world. if this is me now, as an aunt, i can only imagine how i will be as a mother.  

i joined a nicaraguan folklore dance group a year ago and although i’ve always loved dancing, this has given me a whole new type of love for it. it’s not as easy as you’d think and some times it stresses me out, but i’m constantly learning new skills, i’ve gained confidence, friends, and a newfound pride in my culture that i can’t wait to continue to pursue.

and lastly, i still think of you. some days, i still really miss you. although it’s been years now since we exchanged words or whispered ‘i love you’s.’ years since i last heard your voice or your laugh...years... i still hope that you’re happy wherever that may be. i still smile at the thought of bumping into you, strangers, but not quite. i know that’s impossible, but you can’t blame me for holding onto that lingering hope, because hope is all we ever truly had. our entire relatioship was built on hope. hope that it was real. hope that i meant as much to you as you did to me. hope that you were being honest. hope that your ‘i love you’s’ were true. hope that we would last. hope that you’d always be around. hope that we could work.

but we didn’t. i used to cry so much at this because i didn’t understand why you came into my life the way you did and why you didn’t stay. for the longest time all i could think was that i wasn’t enough. so i did stupid things, strayed from myself, pursued empty relationships and jumped into some that i knew weren’t for me. i realize now that i was more than enough and i wasn’t the reason we didn’t work... in spite of everything, i forgive you. i know you didn’t ask for forgiveness, but i wanted to tell you that i do. 

i want to tell you so many things, but you’re no longer here. you’re there, wherever that may be, and all i can hope for is that you’re happy. 

for you, a thousand times over.  

[jasminjuthdy]

I wish I could call you right now. I wish you would text me if everything is okay because you’d somehow know it wasn’t. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish I could make you laugh again because your laughter was one of my favorite sounds in the world. I wish you were here to cheer me up, to listen to me, to talk with me. I wish you were here... but you’re gone, in the most permanent of ways and no matter how many years pass, you’re still my go to.

[illicitbehaviour]

please love me in the most soft and loyal way. I’m so tired.

[volcainist]

“Even if you come home late and I’m already asleep, just whisper in my ear one little thought you had today. Because I love the way you look at the world. And I’m so happy I get to be next to you and look at the world through your eyes.”

— Theodore Twombly, Her (via suspend)

[jasminjuthdy]

someday’s, i just stop everything & imagine what it’d be like to still have you here. i daydream of your voice, i replay your whispers in my head, and i linger on the way your laughter sounded those nights we’d stay up talking until the sun would greet us once again. somedays, it feels like it was only yesterday that you’d fill my head with empty promises. somedays, it feels like this was all a dream. somedays, i remind myself that this was a whole other lifetime ago. it hurt me. it made me smile, it made me laugh, and though i hate to admit it, it made me cry, but i miss it. i miss you. i miss me. i miss us.  

[blooooom]

there’s a misconception that grief only happens when we lose people. this is not true. we can grieve circumstances, relationships, missed opportunities. in fact, sometimes when you find yourself plagued with waves of emotion from sadness to melancholy you may be grieving yourself. the version of yourself that you might have been if things had been different, or if only you had said something, or if someone had stood up for you.

[reactivpsychopath-deactivated20]

The right person will never get tired of you

[naturaekos]

“You have a place in my heart no one else ever could have.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Ice Palace (via goodreadss)

[baby--veins]

i love you, only softer. quieter. i adore you. and two years is far away, a place we cannot reach quite yet. a place our hands have yet to roam. our eyes can’t see that far, love. but two years has led me home.

and i love you softly, like my watch loves to stop ticking, like i prefer my coffee cold. i love you like hot chocolate in the winter and cold beer in the summer and tea when you’re under the weather. i love you like i love my hair straight. i love you enough to wait.

[yourbigsisnissi]

some people will withhold closure from you just because they know it will cause you pain. sometimes you think “if i just told them how much they hurt me, they would understand and apologize.”

but some people know they hurt you. they know that you’re torn up inside. and they won’t apologize. maybe it’s because they are selfish. maybe it’s because they are evil. maybe it’s because you walked away and they need a way to feel like they still have you.

this is why you don’t wait for someone else to give you closure. you don’t need any person being the gatekeeper to your peace of mind. some people hurt others and do not care to make things right. so you have to make yourself right.

[nondualreality]

“I’m sorry for my inability to let unimportant things go.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

[wordsnquotes]

“A soulmate is someone who is willing to grow with you, who chooses to be with you until the end, and will love you through good and bad. It’s not about sunshine and laughter, it’s about mundane moments filled with unknowns.”

— T.B. LaBerge

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“One of the best feelings is finding someone who really gets you. A person who lets you be vulnerable and honest. The kind of person who encourages you to push past your flaws because they accept you as you are. Someone who never tells you that you’re too much of this and too little of that. Because to them you’re just enough of everything they love.”

— Sylvester McNutt

[nidhibhasin]

“And sometimes at night I wonder what makes you love me? I am sorry love, but there are times when I doubt, is all you tell me true? For I’ve never been able to love myself, I am flawed, and crooked things don’t catch the eye, but each night you tell me you love me, you whisper I am enough? Am I really? How can that be possible? Are you even real? Or just one of those monsters, mocking me, all in my head, making me feel loved?”

Nidhi Bhasin