Catharsis of Ideology @javsy - Tumblr Blog

B for Baliw! We're not friends on facebook but I know you stalk my IG every time. Haha So I'll just say it here. I know who you are. I really appreciate your effort of sending me flowers at my house. Thanks a lot. For everything. Especially for being so understanding whenever I act like I'm a damsel in distress. 😊

Decided to stay home for the entire day just to watch some new series I downloaded and read some short stories of Neil Gaiman since I have a really short span of attention for reading lengthy stuff.

Failed

I was trying my very best to move on with my many failed love stories. I left PH loving someone I could never win. I wanted to forget, so when someone came to me unexpectedly just recently, I gave myself a chance to try because I thought maybe this could pull me out from the bottom where I feel like my heart is at.

I’m the type of person who’s really not hard to please, not hard to befriend, not hard to admire, but toying my heart?! For goodness sake. Ano ba.

Oh well, kill the thing before it gets deeper.

31st

Today is the birthday of one of my nicest friends, O, who I so love dearly like my older brother. I miss him despite that we were really never as close as how I’m close with my 2 other good friends P & L. He’s been my honest confidant for the more complicated things I was setting myself in while I was still in the PH, and I admire his genuine stand for what he believes, intellectually managed, and never lets his impulse overpower his maturity. He’s just so better than many guys I’ve known. If there’s one guy I’d say who’s near to perfection, it’s gonna be him.

So I sent him a message to greet him, then we had a little chit chat asking how things are going and all seems pretty doing well. As always, he is so nice to me, telling me his brotherly words of advice that I shouldn’t be “pasaway” anymore. Also telling me to take extra units once the school year starts so I can get back to Philippines earlier. Hmmm, I’ll see about that. :)

I just wish him the constant happiness that he already has and may he reach further the goals in life he has yet to attain.

And yes, I’ll keep in mind the deal, a dinner treat when I get back! He’ll surely gonna be one of the first people I’m gonna hunt. haha

Wishing mon frère a great and fun day. :)

Brotherly Love

Two years ago, I had an ultimate crush at the office. Every time I get to see him, I feel like it’s always a destiny that we we’re meant to see each other in that moment, funny and shallow I know. First time I saw him was outside the building wearing this professional look. We had an eye to eye contact, and he was really damn goodlooking. Next time we saw each other was in the elevator, and it was just the two of us, we were both taking glances at each other, I know coz I’m looking in his eyes. He’s really a good catch, I must say. He has everything I’m looking for in a guy I’d like to date. The unparalleled charm, the ideal height, the love we have for sports, the interest for travel, we’re both foodhunters, he has this challenging intellect, we both like discussing the grandeur of social events, and many more, in which I only found out all of those when we became friends.

So to my execution of getting friends with him began. I was really persistent to enter his world and make sure that he would know my name and he’d be blown away by my aura.

I was successful. I got into his life. In fact I know I almost made it through his defenses but... things changed, all the feelings I had for him have been replaced with more of a brotherly love. We weren’t really that much close but, I feel like running into him whenever i need a stronger backbone to support me.

Now I miss him, as my kuya. :(

After a week in the city, time to get some fresh air from the country! thanks @cody_beast1 for bringing me here! 😍

Everytime I fly, I make sure I get the window seat, I never tire watching the clouds beneathe me. At this point of my life, I chose again to be on my own, I guess I got used to being independent since I was a teenager. Of course it kinda feels sad and lonely sometimes but I try my best to be less emotional about it and focus on what's ahead of me. I just hope that one day, all the dreams I have will fall into its rightful places. (Wishing lovelife to be part of it as well!) Just believe and have faith. 😇

A not so special but worthwhile present.

This day feels like just the usual ones I wake up to. For more than 5 years, I've already lost the feeling of excitement whenever this day of the year comes. Also, I couldn't actually execute all the good plans I have days prior my special day, and this just happens every year. I'm neither an anti-social nor a troubled-kid with deep emotional issues. I just happen to have a lesser appreciation for myself. Still, I haven't forgotten that this kind of day should be thanked for in many ways. So I carefully planned over the weekend what I'd do for this day and decided to pull off a humble celebration with those who I can put a smile on their faces. I had a hard time executing everything as I didn't seek help from anyone, I don't know why I didn't even ask from my kindhearted friends their philanthropism and altruistic contributions to help me get through my plans. Well, prolly it's just that I wouldn't wanna drag people to waste their time with me or any of my ideas/plans. So I went all the way to the destination and provided the people simple joys that could make them feel that they are loved and remembered. I wouldn't wanna go in detail with this but, it was all worth it. I know I couldn't provide my heart the excitement, happiness, and love that it years, but surely I was able to give it to those who appreciates even the slightest effort I could give. One of 'em actually told me some striking words that somehow hit some of my inner senses, She said (translated in english), "don't be afraid to get hurt, it's ok, you can really never get everything you want, pretending it's fine cannot conceal the truth, the more you drift away from it, the more you lose yourself" and of course her follow up was complimenting most of my physical features, because she might have noticed that I didn't wanna hear those kind of stuff as I was trying to look away somewhere else. But it all ended with a sweet smile from all of 'em. So somehow, I kinda felt it was pretty nice, because I know at one point, I did something worth more than what I could have earned from anything, happiness to other people.

A not too special but worthwhile present for myself

This day feels like just the usual ones I wake up to. For more than 5 years, I've already lost the feeling of excitement whenever this day of the year comes. Also, I couldn't actually execute all the good plans I have days prior my special day, and this just happens every year. I'm neither an anti-social nor a troubled-kid with deep emotional issues. I just happen to have a lesser appreciation for myself. Still, I haven't forgotten that this kind of day should be thanked for in many ways. So I carefully planned over the weekend what I'd do for this day and decided to pull off a humble celebration with those who I can put a smile on their faces. I had a hard time executing everything as I didn't seek help from anyone, I don't know why I didn't even ask from my kindhearted friends their philanthropism and altruistic contributions to help me get through my plans. Well, prolly it's just that I wouldn't wanna drag people to waste their time with me or any of my ideas/plans. So I went all the way to the destination and provided the people simple joys that could make them feel that they are loved and remembered. I wouldn't wanna go in detail with this but, it was all worth it. I know I couldn't provide my heart the excitement, happiness, and love that it years, but surely I was able to give it to those who appreciates even the slightest effort I could give. One of 'em actually told me some striking words that somehow hit some of my inner senses, She said (translated in english), "don't be afraid to get hurt, it's ok, you can really never get everything you want, pretending it's fine cannot conceal the truth, the more you drift away from it, the more you lose yourself" and of course her follow up was complimenting most of my physical features, because she might have noticed that I didn't wanna hear those kind of stuff as I was trying to look away somewhere else. But it all ended with a sweet smile from all of 'em. So somehow, I kinda felt it was pretty nice, because I know at one point, I did something worth more than what I could have earned from anything, happiness to other people.

A month ago, I posted this on my Facebook wall because I knew I had all my plans plotted already and yes i knew what I was doing by then. I anticipated the possible outcomes so I was prepared. Funny thing is that people really believed I didn’t know what I was doing. Well, for one, I owe no explanation to anyone of my actions as long as I know I’m not causing any harm al all.

So there the truth spills out.

It’s better anyway than not doing anything and regret.

I just knew this was gonna be the most sincere words that will come out from me these days.

and that is for now, I can really claim that “I love you”

but maybe tomorrow not anymore, I’ll just need some time to unlove you.

:)

Go. Or. Stay.

I've already booked the flight, and the reservation has already been done. I'm just now waiting for the weekend. Oh Bohol, Bohol, Bohol. You're making this hard for me, why did your timing has to be just now? I've always wanted to visit your precious Panglao Island. Even my friend, Gary and his other friend are so excited for this coming weekend getaway. Plus, it's gonna be great to welcome my 24th birthday on the beach! But why do I feel so heavy and hesitant to go? Is it just simply because I haven't done yet the things I still need to do? Like visiting some old family members, friends, loved ones, and moving out most of my stuff from my flat to our home. Ohhh geez. In one way or another I'll definitely regret one of the two things, either missing my first Bohol trip, or missing the things I wanna do with the people I still need to catch up with. Seriously what is more important? If I choose If I choose to go to Bohol, it will definitely be heartbreaking for me not to meet the people I'll be missing for a while. But the question is, do I matter that much to those people I care about? Or is it just me who has this big love for everyone? I know love can sometims be unconditional, but this one makes me consider, why should I give out to people who actually haven't made or done anything worth my efforts in the first place? I guess it's just me after all. I just can't be too unloving or either uncaring. Regardless if there is reciprocation or none. That's why I failed many times from the last years I've been tested by time. FML! Please grow up! Tsk, I promise though. If I choose to stay, and not go to Bohol, Last na talaga to! That I'll be like this.

The namecalling I got for 4 years.

I don't know why for some reason people have been associating me as a kid/kiddo/bata/bagets even right after I stepped out from my teenage years. I could still remember the first person who adressed me as kiddo, no other than my once loved X, Dylan. Back then when we were still together, I had to prove myself many times to him that I'm so much more than my age in many ways, from my actions, decisions, attitude towards things, tolerance level, and choice of words. I guess it didn't seem to have worked well after all coz in the end we parted ways and it wasn't in the nicest terms of closing. Later on, as I rebuilt myself again, I thought I've already gained the distinction of being considered a grown-up. But no, oh goodness, new folks came into my life, from newly found volleyball friends, colleagues, officemates, and (coughs) admirers, hahaha, I met and befriended people who are older than me, it's always like that, I do get along easily with people who are older than me than to be with those younger than me. So they all got to know me better and then some of 'em like to address me as a kid, and it just partially annoys me because I feel like it's unfair. I mean I might lose some opportunities I should be getting if other people would get the idea that the reason why my folks call me kid is because I'm childish, immature, or something like that. Four years, it's been like this. This time, I'm sort of embracing the tagging, coz I get to see its perks too. I'm always being looked after by my folks, they make sure I'm doing good before they put theirselves in the shoe. So in short, I get prioritized. Plus I get to feel that I'm really young. Haha So now, I'm all claiming it. Only until I reach 24 though. =)

In a lighter mood.

Now that I think of it, it's actually kinda funny. All those silly gestures and words I put on my mouth, they're so not me! But I managed to pull it all off, and it surely was effective. 😎 I just couldn't believe myself that I did a lot or things for this long grown feelings. Hahaha. Today, I posted on my facebook, "I am happy, very much happy, and that's because of you. 😊" It would clearly give a message to all my friends who actually have a thing for me, that I've got my eyes set for someone else already. It's enlightening, coz I won't feel obliged to please anyone now. I wouldn't care anyway if I lose some admirers. Haha. (Medyo feeling) But it's true, I'm really feeling happy. He may be the person who has brought out some of my bad sides, but he definitely got to bring out the best feelings or emotions I could ever show. The certain glow people see in me for quite sometime now, it's also all because of him. I will really miss you! Super! Ishchal! 😘

The transition of your post was smooth.Who's it for?

I wrote it for myself. "You" was me. Thanks. I know I'm pretty messy in my structure though.

The L-Word is out.

Oops. What have you done? Did you just shot yourself a bullet right into your heart? Looks like you've set up a deep trap you won't be able to escape easily. Good job kiddo. =) Consider yourself exiled in CA for a very long period of time. So what really happened to you kid? Where's the composure, breeding, and class that everyone sees in you? Where was your brain at that time? Let me guess, you were inebriated. And oh, maybe you were just impulsive, yah right, a legitimate excuse, but hey, come on, smile. Everyone makes mistakes. You should know to yourself that this one is not something offending or damaging to anyone except to yourself. You haven't stepped on anyone's ego on this, but well, this happened to be just one of the precious things you care about. I knew you were gonna get hurt with what you did. But that's really part of the process. Think of it as this way, you took the risk, regardless of whatever outcome falls upon you. After all, this was really hard for you too, you had to build layers of walls to protect and make sure that it's safe, secured, and obscure from the judging eyes of everyone. And for that long period of time? I kow you've got hell of a lot of endurance to make then, the times you need to hold your tongue, the pretensions you need to show, the language of diversion you made natural. Not everyone can clench too much that secrecy. You've tested its wrath many times. I know it's not what you wanted to happen but you just intentionally had to, coz it was necessary. No I don't need to fully grasp it, I'm sure you've thought of this carefully, no intoxication to be used as an excuse this time and I'm quite sure, you got this all working as planned. You wanted it to drift away from you. But like a rubberband, the more it stretches away, the more you can feel the tightening of it surrounding you. We can't really control everything in our hands, we are bound to fail sometimes that makes us real people. So whatever you've done and given from the past, it's all gonna be worth it, you've gained an experience to tell yourself that "I did this, and surpassed it." At this point, I know you are relieved. It's all out now, there ain't heavy feelings you need to carry anymore. You did what you could. The lapses you've done about this thing will eventually be forgotten because you know that there's something more that could overpower the negative feeling you'd possibly get from this story, the L-word. Sooner or later, it'll change its form to a different phase, but it'll surely be kept close to your heart. I know you are happy now, because you've been waiting for this chance, the timing may not be done right but that doesn't matter now. This has kept you smiling for quite some time, the vibrant light it gave you to be your guide, the coldness it released to bring out the warmth in you, the strength that made you feel weak but at the same time made you feel cared for, the roughness that made you vulnerable, the friction it produced to know your differences, the beauty it showed that captured your heart and mind, and lastly the genuiness of it that made you love it as it is, the best part of making you happy. So smile in the next days, you know you've got nothing to lose now. It should feel lighter and stress-free. Just be happy that even if you only got uncertainty, the goal was to make it reach the core. The only left words that you are not able to make are just "I shall miss thee." (Especially the connection). Don't worry about the coldness of it, this is not your first time, you've even experienced it with the same thing just some time ago. You value this thing so much, you would never even want to break it in anyway. So you just have to give it some time, it'll surely be ok once everything goes back to its natural course. You will all be happy, just wait patiently. For now, it's gonna be more of "See you next time" than "goodbye". Till we meet again. Kiddo.

What is javsy? :)

Javsy is my nickname. Only my family and closest friends use this. It's my parents who conceptualized it. Originally, the nickname is "JAB-C" which stands for Johannes Albert B. Curioso. It just later on became JAVSY because it's how its supposed to be pronounced, not "Jabk". Too much explanation ayt? Who's this btw?! PM me on FB!

30 Days of Summer

Am I ready for this? Is this really what I want? Am I 100% sure? Have I carefully thought of this decision?

The answer should be YES.

A part of me is just trying to battle with my own maturity. I'd like to believe I've grown up but I know I still have a juvenile heart and sometimes I feel like I'm being carried away by my emotions easily when it comes to the decisions I make.

In just a matter of a month, not only will I get a year older, a huge leap of fate is about to change my life. I know I have prepared for it. I passed a lot of tests I needed to take to get to where I should be. But that's beside the point. I know I could evade the more pressing concern if I just present the obvious.

Today, I got a tweet from a friend of mine, she said "Are you ready? Emotionally?"

I wasn't able to respond quickly. I just had to absorb it first coz I was thinking the dozens of "What Ifs". It even struck me to have the slightest chance of changing my mind. But truly, I was just trying to be enigmatic, plus I would have wanted to give a genuine answer. So I needed some time to convince myself with the answer I'll give. Actually, I haven't tweeted anything for some hours to pretend that I haven't read her tweet yet, but when I have finally gathered all my senses, I replied what was true to my heart. Me: "Emotionally? I think I can set that aside. Kailangan ko lang isaksak sa utak ko kung anong mas importante."

So yes, let's talk about that. Important? What is really important to me? What is my real priority?

I am turning 24 in less than 30 days. So far, what have I already succeeded in life? I couldn't really think of something exceptional than the normal answer, finished studies, worked for 2 years, blah blah blah. That's not a real achievement for me. I knew it then, back when I was just in high school that I can graduate college and get a job I want. Of course I wouldn't deny that were some bumps here and there but it was mild and shallow, but the way to where I am right now is not to too tough, Why? Because there were people behind me who were actually supporting me to get though every step of my growth. Yes, it was their obligation, but it was mainly driven by the love they have for me.

Now is a different story, I'll be completely on my own in a foreign place where I have to start a new chapter, I'll be building myself in a completely different environment, the people I'll be dealing with will definitely not be the same as how people I used to mingle then, I might get a job I didn't imagine I could do if worse comes to worst.

People always thought that I've got the world on a string. I get almost everything I needed and wanted. But no, I don't. I just often sourgrape when I don't get the many things I wanted to have.

I think I may have drifted away from my main point, what is my priority again?! Ughhh....

I want to be the bigger person I am right now. I want to stand up for someone. I wanna have the power to fight for what's meant to be mine, fight for the person I'll be loving in the future. In order for me to do that, I have to learn things the hard way, live the life on my own feet. Depend only on myself.

If I become the best version of myself in the next years, I might just get what I really wanted, maybe I would never be an understudy to someone else, and I'll become THE one. Not just one of the others.

I know this could be also helpful to me, again, going back to the emotional side of this, I might just forget the feeling I'll be leaving behind, and reset a new one.

So, I guess, I'm ready for this. I just have to keep looking forward and only look back to the good things behind, but never those that hurt or damaged me.

I hope I can do this. Maybe, just maybe, if time will permit, I could have........YOU. That person I'll be willing to fight and stand up for.

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