1998

[encourage]

“How do you tell people? How do you tell them that you’re exhausted even though you slept for 10 hours? How do you tell them that you need a break from talking and smiling and simply being near them? How do you tell them that although you love them, you so desperately need to be alone tonight?”

— Midnight thoughts (I’m burnt out)

[midnightshine]

[jazgold]

I was raised by my grandparents. My grandma was the one who would wake me up, drag me to shower, comb my tangled hair, pack me my lunches. But my grandpa, he was the one who taught me to play checkers, held my hand on the way to school, whistled the same song because he knew it calmed my anxiety. The only person who recognized I was damaged, the only person who had the spark to fix me. But he was an addict. He sobered up for a few years after a close call; a complete euphoric state followed. Then his mom died, his version of sanity, and he relapsed harder than I’d ever seen before. Another close call only this one didn’t scare him, death was something he now craved. And I remember begging God to make him stop, to let him realize that I was still here and that I still needed him. But he didn’t. He let the alcohol consume him until it took over and all that was left was a stiff body in a hospital bed and later a coffin. When he died I didn’t cry. I was angry. Angry with God for taking away the only person who ever took the time to understand me and angry at him for being so weak. I lost my faith that day. Fast forward years later and the torch has been passed; and I don’t know if I use just so that I’ll feel closer to him, like we somehow still share the same bond, or just because I’m as weak as he was.

[jazgold]

A reminder to myself to always trust my intuition. It’s never failed me.

[illuminatewords]

“I admit it. I’m scared to be happy. I have bathe in my pain for so long that it has become my safe place. Every time I let the light in for just one bit, I find myself fearful of it being taken away. But I know that the longer I indulge in these self-destructive behaviors, the more I lose myself, the more I lose my ability to believe in the world. And I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to be in the dark anymore. I want to let the light in.”

— Here’s to fighting our demons in 2017 and overcoming them

[maxwelldpoetry]

“People fear someone falling out of love with them, but no one usually questions what it’s like to be the one falling out. They can’t picture feeling that something must be horribly wrong with you because there’s no other plausible explanation for why your heart doesn’t flutter when you look at him like it used to. It was the position I never thought I would find myself in, yet here I was, looking at the man I supposedly loved and not feeling a thing. If there was anything there, it was negative. Annoyance, anger, sadness, the complete opposite of everything he used to make me feel. It wasn’t right to let him believe things were okay, so I told him. Watching his facial expression drift from a quiet seriousness into a brokenness I never thought I would cause, I wished I didn’t mean the words I said but I knew I did. I couldn’t keep running away, after all, where could I go when the person that used to feel like home no longer did?”

— Maxwell Diawuoh, Request: Telling the guy you love that you’re falling out of love for the same reason you fell in love with him.

[love-personal]

[sunsetquotes]

“We are all unusual and tragic and alive.”

— Dave Eggers

[batixa]

[jazgold]

I go through phases where I lose touch of any sense of emotion within me. A type of numbness consumes my soul and I find comfort in knowing that internally and eternally I am alone. It’s during phases like these where I realize I belong to no one and no one belongs to me.

[jazgold]

I think I’m not scared to die because I know he’ll be there. I know he’s waiting for me. I know I was his one true love, and he was mine.

- grandpa

[jazgold]

I just want to be able to talk to my dad again. My heart feels too heavy.

[jazgold]

I often catch myself wondering where my life went wrong. Where and when my depression first crawled underneath my skin and set up home. I lose myself, only to find myself again within the numbness of the drugs and the alcohol. I hate my body; the solution, a finger down my throat and a stomach begging to eat. I was my fathers perfect daughter and now I’m so perfectly fucked up no one can even tell the difference.

[jazgold]

I’m going to pick myself up. All on my own. And when I do, I’m leaving everyone behind. Everyone.

[jazgold]

July 6th, 2020 4:42 am.

Anxiety called at 3 am, I answered. I laid in bed with a sinking feeling at the bottom of my stomach, and slowly but surely, the oxygen left the room. In the midst of a full blown panic attack, you lay unbothered next to me. You never turned around, not even once. But it’s okay.. until it’s not anymore.

[jazgold]

Maybe the reason I keep waking up at 3 am is because my brain is yelling at me to get out while I can.

Her screams make my eardrums pound. “You’re stuck.”, “You’re miserable.”. And I believe her..

[slufoot]