i had WAY too much fun making this ( even though it was completely time consuming ... ) ! below, you will find the lyrics from each song that stand out to jessa, thus reflecting why she put them on her playlist !
all the good girls go to hell - billie eilish
all the good girls go to hell, 'cause even god herself has enemies; and once the water starts to rise and heaven's out of sight; she'll want the devil on her team.
change your mind - tori kelly
no one ever said it was easy, and i love him her, you gotta believe me. no, it don't seem right, but I'll change your mind, mind. trust in me, i'ma need your blessing. oh, i love him her, i'm confessing. if it takes my life, i'ma change your mind.
confident - teagan garcia
i used to hold my freak back, now i'm letting go. i make my own choice, bitch, I run this show. so leave the lights on; no, you can't make me behave.
cool - jonas brothers
i'm feeling so cool, top to the bottom, just cool. every little thing that i do; dammit, i'm feelin' so cool, yeah.
dance, dance - fall out boy
she says she's no good with words, but i'm worse. barely stuttered out a joke of a romantic stuck to my tongue. weighed down with words too overdramatic.
girl - maren morris
girl, won't you stop your cryin'? i know that you're tryin'. everything's gonna be okay. baby girl, don't you hang your head low; don't you lose your halo. everyone's gonna be okay.
here’s to never growing up - avril lavigne
singing radiohead at the top of our lungs, with the boom box blaring as we're falling in love. i got a bottle of whatever, but it's getting us drunk. singing, here's to never growing up. we'll be running down the street, yelling " kiss my ass! ". i'm like yeah whatever, we're still living like that. when the sun's going down, we'll be raising our cups, singing, here's to never growing up.
i hope - gabby barrett
i hope she comes along and wrecks every one of your plans. i hope you spend your last dime to put a rock on her hand. i hope she's wilder than your wildest dreams; she's everything you're ever gonna need, and then i hope she cheats like you did on me.
issues - julia michaels
'cause I got issues, but you got 'em too. so give 'em all to me and I'll give mine to you. bask in the glory of all our problems, 'cause we got the kind of love it takes to solve 'em. yeah, i got issues and one of them is how bad I need you.
life of the party - all time low
somewhere in between who I used to be and who I'll be tomorrow when the champagne blows my mind. thrills don't come for free, the price you pay for dreams. in a sea of strangers, I can't find me anymore, anymore; i can't find me anymore.
mercy - shawn mendes
you've got a hold of me; don't even know your power. i stand a hundred feet, but i fall when i'm around you.
nice to meet ya - niall horan
i like the way you talk, i like the things you wear. i want your number tattooed on my arm in ink, i swear; 'cause when the morning comes, i know you won't be there. every time i turn around, you disappear.
nobody’s home - gnash
i know that i've got a couple of voids i could fill. i promise you, one day i will, but if i can avoid them now, lord knows, i will.
speechless - dan & shay
you already know that you're my weakness. after all this time i'm just as nervous. every time you walk into the room, i'm speechless
talk - against the current
so why don't we just call it what it is? 'cause everybody knows you're full of shit. you say you really wanna change, but all you do is talk, talk, talk then walk the same way. i say what you don't wanna say: i think we better stop, stop, stop before it's too late.
the man - taylor swift
what's it like to brag about raking in dollars and getting bitches and models? and it's all good if you're bad, and it's okay if you're mad. if I was out flashin' my dollas i'd be a bitch, not a baller. they'd paint me out to be bad, so it's okay that I'm mad.
too good at goodbyes - sam smith
i know you're thinking i'm heartless. i know you're thinking i'm cold. i'm just protecting my innocence. i'm just protecting my soul.
trust - jonas brothers
i know that i'm better off without you, but i know that i could never live without you, 'out you. thinkin' 'bout my lips upon your mouth, yeah. got me weak in the knees, my god, can't breathe.
voices - against the current
when will the voices stop making trouble inside? if i look in the mirror will i see through their eyes? when will the voices in my head just stop and let me rest? i can't take it (take it); here come the voices again.
wanna be missed - hayley kiyoko
i wanna be missed like every night. i wanna be kissed like it's the last time. say you can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe without me. i wanna be held, fragile like glass; 'cause I've never felt nothing like that.say you can't walk, can't talk, go on without me.
you should see me in a crown - billie eilish
if you think I'm pretty, you should see me in a crown. i'm gonna run this nothing town. watch me make 'em bow; one by one by, one.
STELLA had just gotten done with a private dance with a customer in one of the private rooms, a smile painted on her lips. This was a new potential regular for the dark haired girl and the man seemed to be impressed with her skills, considering the large tip she had received just a few moments prior. She was walking by some of the tables near the bar, noticing one of her co-workers who looked a little discouraged. “ I’m sorry you’re going through that babes, have you ever thought about asking to be promoted to a dancer? That’s where most of the money is at, ” she replied truthfully. She felt bad for the bartenders and servers at the club, she could only imagine they didn’t get nearly as many tips as the strippers.
WORKING in the club, jessa often took note of what the other dancers did throughout the night, and stella’s private session was just one of many things that she’d noticed during this shift. she watched as the other approached her, and when she heard her question she couldn’t help but laugh. “ are you kidding? these guys don’t wanna see ME up there. i so don’t have the body OR the confidence for that. ” she admitted honestly. sure, she’d thought about dancing before, but she’d never actually been able to convince herself to do it.
“ I’ve been working serving jobs since I was like, sixteen, and it’s always hard to bust your ass off giving someone great service and them leaving you barely anything, ” she confessed. Back home, she worked at the family’s cafe for a few months before she left. Now, she was serving more adult beverages, not just coffee and lattes. The uncertainty of walking out with almost nothing some nights was always nerve wrecking, but that was just what came with working that kind of job. She was lucky that most nights, people were eager to tip her decently due to always striving to be upbeat and fast with her service. “ Y’know, if I actually had the confidence and body, I would have just tried to be a dancer. But, I don’t think I could compare to any of those girls. ”
“ i dunno how you do it. i’ve been doing this for a year, and i’ve had moments when i wanna quit because customers are complete dicks. ” jessa admitted honestly. sure, she’d thought about it, but she loved her job too much to ever ACTUALLY quit. she listened as aurora spoke and she nodded in agreement with her words. “ i’ve been telling myself the same thing for MONTHS -- but when it comes down to it, i just don’t think i have what it takes to be up there among all of them. i mean, LOOK at them. ”
ASTRID had been in her art studio all day. okay, it wasn’t really all day because she hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before. so for the past thirty or so hours the young woman was running solely on coffee, sugar, and energy. she hadn’t really eaten a full meal either, so when she’d looked up at the clock and seen the time her stomach had howled at her and she’d decided to go out and find something to eat. she’d left the house in her paint clothes, splashes of colors and textures all over the shirt and old jeans she was wearing–not that astrid really cared about her appearance usually, though she was more often the type to dress to not stand out in a crowd.
AT the moment she’d been walking, her hands full. one hand had a takeaway cup filled with coffee, the other had her food order. she’d been paying attention, but nearly walked into the street without checking when she saw a car coming and needed to jump back. of course, she was more focused on holding her things upright than making sure her footing was correct, and the next thing she knew she was down on the sidewalk, coffee spilled down her shirt. sighing, astrid tossed her head back with a bitter chuckle. “ i guess at least my food got saved, huh? i should be glad that’s not on the asphalt too. ” she said, mostly to herself as she looked around for something to grab hold of to help herself up.
WORKING at plan b meant that jessa had a LOT of late nights, which also meant that the brunette practically LIVED on coffee. it was a saving grace in her life, for sure. she’d been headed towards her favorite little coffee shop when she saw the scene unfold before her and quickly rushed over to the blonde’s side. “ oh my god, are you okay!? ” she cried out, quickly helping astrid to her feet. “ that’s definitely a plus. food is more important than coffee, in my opinion. ” she told her sweetly. “ though, i’m actually on my way to the coffee shop, so if you wanna come with, i’ll buy you a new one? ” she offered with a gentle smile.
VIOLET at the time had thought it was what was best for Jessa, she didn’t realize just how much pain Jessa would carry with her after the time explained what had happened when Violet was barely eight. It wasn’t meant to be taken any way other than Jessa finding out where she came from, but Violet understood more now that she could have said nothing. Jessa would always be Violet’s sister, there was no way she wouldn’t be, besides that, she was really hoping that Jessa would find a way to forgive her enough to be her maid of honour in her next wedding.
VIOLET would always take care of her sister, it didn’t matter how far apart they grew or how much Jessa might have hated her for what happened, Violet always had that need. “ You’re welcome J. ” She smiled warmly and chuckled. “ Of course he does, he hears your name really often, I always talk about Aunt Jessa, and seeing you on the facetime he knows you through that too. ” She gently shifted Atlas so Jessa could take him, Atlas already had his arms out for a new person, she nodded. “ Of course you can! Go ahead. ”
WHAT had happened between the sisters when she was sixteen had scarred jessa for life, and she knew that she would never TRULY be over it, but she also knew that it was time to move on with her life and stop being bitter over something that happened so long ago. after all, violet had just been trying to help, even if that hadn’t been how it’d come across at the time. jessa’s relationship with her sister used to be SO strong, and she wanted nothing more than to have even just a part of that relationship back again.
VIOLET had always felt the need to take care of jessa, and most of the time the younger mayfaire daughter appreciated it -- this time included. she listened as vi explained that even though she’d been physically absent in atlas’ life, she’d never truly been missing from it, and yet another tear fell down her face. when violet shifted so that jessa could take her son, the brunette smiled softly and quickly reached out to grab the toddler, pulling him onto her own hip as she just lovingly stared down at him. “ hi buddy. ” she spoke softly, with a broken voice. “ i love you SO much. ” she hummed as she pulled him into her chest for a tight embrace.
LUX immediately recognized who those giggles belonged to, so she didn’t even have time to be mad but laughed along with her best friend of all time over the incident. “ Yeah, yeah, very funny ” she added in between the laughter. “ You know I hate people laughing at me when I fuck up but I’ll let this pass because it’s you ”, she joked. “ Thank you for that, aren’t you the most amazing best friend anyone could ask for? ”, she cooed at her when she noticed she ordered her another drink. “ C’mere! I wanna say thank you ”, she playfully added before embracing her just so she could share a little of her misery of wet dirty clothes. “ Friends who have spilled mocaccino in their clothes together are friends who stay together ”, she joked, winking at her. “ And shut up! Frowned upon? I’ll have the venue drooling over how sexy I am ”, she joked, tossing her hair. “ Plus: it’s lace lingerie, who doesn’t love that? And worn by me? Fire duo. ”
JESSA knew that normally lux would be furious at whoever decided to make fun of her in such a situation, but because it was HER, she knew that she would just laugh it off. “ oh but it’s HILARIOUS. ” jessa continued to tease the blonde. this was who they were. the type of best friends that made fun of each other for the littlest things. platonic soulmates, most would call them. when she thanked her for ordering her another drink, jessa just smiled and waved her hand in front of her face. “ no big. i know how you are without your mochaccinos. ” she spoke honestly. lux had a tendency to be a real nightmare when she didn’t get her favorite drink. when the blonde pulled her into a hug against her wet clothes, jessa groaned and playfully pushed lux away. “ ugh, i fucking HATE you. ” she muttered, rolling her eyes. “ now I have to find new clothes too. ” not that jessa was really complaining about that. after all, jessa looked for any excuse to use a credit card. another roll of her eyes came when lux began to brag about her lingerie. “ you’re so fucking full of yourself. ” she teased before reaching over to grab the drinks as she heard her name called from behind the counter. “ take this before i spill it on you for being a conceited little bitch. ” she poked playfully at her best friend. she didn’t care that lux was confident, considering jessa was quite full of herself too.
SHOWTIME was approaching and Lux decided to stop by a nearby cafe before heading out to the venue, to order her favorite non alcoholic beverage: a mocaccino. She made her way inside and put her bass case next to her: proceed to order and stood there waiting. As they called her on it being ready, she clumsily lost balance, causing her to spill the drink all over herself as she took it.
“ Fuck ” she mumbled, followed by a light chuckle to herself. The venue was a 30 minute drive so it wouldn’t be a smart move to go back home to try a new outfit: she knew she didn’t really have another proper choice of clothes ready anyways. “ Do you think it would be okay if I give the show in my underwear tonight? I promise I’m wearing a nice pair ”, she cheekily asked the person standing next to her.
THE coffee shop was a place that jessa found herself attending regularly -- especially after a late night at the club. typically, when a shift was over, she rush home to get as much sleep as she could ( which usually was only a couple of hours ), and as soon as she woke up she’d head right for the coffee shop before beginning her day.
THE brunette was standing in line, waiting for her drink order to be completed, when she watched the scene in front of her unfold. at first, she didn’t want to laugh -- but as soon as she realized WHO the catastrophe had happened to, she couldn’t help but burst into a fit of giggles. “ oh my god, that was the greatest thing i’ve seen in a long time! ” jessa teased her lifelong best frowned with a smirk playing on her lips. without hesitation, jessa turned back to the person making her drink and quickly requested that they make a new mocaccino for her friend. “ i mean, i’m sure it would be frowned upon by the venue, but i TOTALLY dare you to do it anyways. ” she hummed as she leaned against the counter.
“ So you plan to work in there for the rest of your life? ” his tone of voice wasn’t a judgmental one, but it was definitely a surprised one, because he never thought that he would meet someone that would want to work in a strip club for the rest of their lives, usually people just did it as a temporary job, until they could actually follow their dream, “ I’m sure that you will, we are living in Dayton after all, I think at least 90% of the people around here attend the strip club, ” he let out a small giggle, he was not one of them, it was just not fun to him, he preferred to spend his time doing something that he actually enjoyed, “ Yeah, that’s true, so focusing in the good ones and just trying to forget the bad ones, is the best idea. ”
“ i mean, if i do, whatever. i’m not saying that if something better comes along i’m not gonna take it, but i love dylan and i love the club, so i would have no issue working there forever. ” she admitted with a shrug. “ true. it seems to be a pretty hoppin’ place these days. ” she agreed with a nod. there were a variety of people that came into the club day in and day out. some of them jessa loved, other’s she didn’t really care for. still, it made for fun people watching.
POSEY took the other’s hands, she wanted to communicate to her, she wanted to reach out to her and tell her that everything was going to be okay but she swore that no matter what she was going to make it okay, she wasn’t going to let Jessa feel like it wasn’t because no matter what she was going to talk to Violet and discuss what happened but she was first going to see if she could get it out of the other; “ Can I ask what happened? Please? ”
JESSA sighed heavily when posey took her hands. she knew that she was just trying to help and do what was best for her, but jessa wasn’t the type of girl who liked being babied. when she asked her what happened, jessa just shrugged. “ same shit, different day. i still hold a grudge over her for dropping unwanted news on me when i was sixteen, and ever since i left new york, we just don’t talk much. ”
“ Damn, I’m sorry, ” she sighed out, pushing a piece of her hair behind her ear. It honestly felt nice to sit down, even if it was just for a couple minutes, if anything. She enjoyed keeping busy while working her shifts at the club, but having a bit of downtime here and there helped her through those long nights. “ I’ve generally noticed I don’t get as many tips during the week as compared to the weekends. Hopefully that’s just your case and that none of your tables are just cheap bastards, ” she added on. Nothing pissed her off more than people who felt like they couldn’t afford to tip their waitresses and servers.
“ it’s alright, it’s not like it’s YOUR fault all of my customers were dicks. ” jessa told her friend with a laugh. jessa always liked moments when she could take a BREAK from the chaotic environment that was the club. when aurora mentioned that the weekends usually brought in more money for her, jessa smiled. “ yeah, that’s true. i just hate how HUGE the gap between weekday tips and weekend tips is. ”
“ Come on! Cut me a little slack. Only 99% of my choices are bad ones these days — that’s one whole percent better than I used to be! I’m basically a fucking saint now. ” Teagan giggled, bopping Jessa on the nose. “ I’ll even custom order you a prayer candle of me so you can pray to me each night. Saint Teagan, ” she gave a playful dreamy sigh. Teagan’s gaze fell to Jessa’s lips, shoulders rolling upward casually. “ That can definitely be arranged. You know you’re one of a few people I actually care about treating well. ” A devious smirk appeared on the twin’s features as she made a show of plopping the pickles into her mouth. “ What can I say? Looks get you everywhere in life. ”
“ oh but of course, how could i forget how much WORSE you used to be. ” jessa teased with a playful roll of her eyes. “ if you’re a saint, then what the hell does that make me? a GODDESS? ” she asked with a laugh, clearly just poking fun with the other. “ can’t say that’s a saint i’d be opposed to worshipping. ” she admitted with a shrug, taking a bite of her food. when the other woman agreed to take good care of her upon leaving the restaurant, jessa couldn’t help but smirk slyly. “ and you know me -- i wouldn’t have it any other way. ” the brunette spoke with honesty. a roll of her eyes happened when she watched teagan take her pickles. “ yours do, at least. ”
“ Y’know I don’t even know any more, nor do I fucking care after the day I’ve had. I’m claiming tomorrow as a Saturday and a day off no matter what day it is. ” She let out a single laugh and nodded. “ You’re right, they do. But do you find they take even longer if you’ve made plans on Friday night or the weekend? Even if they’re not special plans the week just starts to drag. ”
JESSA couldn’t help but laugh at lily’s remark. “ oh shit -- sounds like you’ve had an eventful day. wanna tell me about it? ” she offered with a smile before handing the joint in her hand back to the brunette beside her. hearing lily’s question, jessa nodded. “ absolutely, because at that point you’re just waiting for your plans to happen. ”
IT was an easy thing to remember that Jessa had left, it was even easier to remember that Violet still needed to apologize, really apologize about what she had done to Jessa when Violet hadn’t been really thinking overly about what effect it could have on Jessa. It was hard to face that fact when she realized Jessa was pulling away from her, it had hurt when Jessa started pulling away, but still, Violet could understand considering she had dropped the equivalent of an atomic bomb in her life. However Violet never even once considered that Jessa was anything but her sister, ever since the day she first moved into their house, she was always her baby sister.
VIOLET caught sight of the tears on Jessa’s cheeks and she picked up a tissue from one of the tables in her gallery. There were times when she was thankful she had thought of what she was sure were some of everything in her store, and if she was being honest, that was exactly what was needed when she ran this kind of business. “ Good I’m glad you won’t, here baby sister, ” Violet said, dabbing at the tears on her cheeks lightly, momming Jessa without even realizing entirely that she was doing it. Atlas greeted his nose boop with a big burst of giggles “ Essa! ” He cooed happily at Jessa, clearly hearing the name enough in his life to have committed it to his memory. “ You wanna cuddle him? He’s really good at cuddles. ”
JESSA wouldn’t say that she’d gotten OVER what had happened to her as a teenager, but it had been almost TEN years, so she’d learned to live with it. after all, there was no point in continuing to be bitter about something that not only did she have no control over, but also something that was practically irrelevant at this point. now, all she wanted to do was work to rebuild the relationship she’d had previously with her older sister, as well as develop a new relationship with her nephew.
JESSA watched as violet pulled the tissue from the box and she couldn’t help but laugh softly. even after all this time, violet still found herself needing to take care of her little sister. “ thanks vi. ” she hummed softly as she felt the soft paper against her cheek. when the toddler before her called out what appeared to be his version of her name, jessa’s eyes lit up as she glanced back at violet. “ he knows my name! ” she exclaimed with a giggle. when violet offered her cuddles, jessa grinned. “ can i?! ”
POSEY tried not to pry into the life of Violet too much, don’t get her wrong she cared and asked when she could or when it was mentioned but she didn’t want to go out of her way and bother her with something that might be a triggering topic for her but after what Jessa had said and responded with, she was going to make a mental note to try and talk to her about it; “ Of course you are loved, why would you say that? You know I will always love you ” there was something off about this situation, like a puzzle she was trying to put together but she didn’t have all the pieces; “ Really? Oh-… I umm, don’t know what to say I thought you and Vi would have kept in touch? Do you want to take a seat I can maybe catch you up on things? ”
JESSA didn’t know what violet had and hadn’t told posey, but from the sounds of it, she hadn’t told her much about their relationship. more specifically, how they hadn’t seen each other in MONTHS. hearing posey’s words, jessa shook her head. “ nothing. ” she muttered softly. she didn’t want to go into detail about how she hadn’t been feeling wanted lately. jessa listened as posey continued to speak and she just shook her head at the words. “ we haven’t talked much lately -- but i guess we can do that? ”
“ it’s not about being soft babe, it’s about being able to identify a situation you need help in and asking for that help. And just so you know, you actually look ‘tougher’ asking for help and showing that you have a posse then having to stand around and trying to do it yourself. Believe me when I say success always works when you have numbers ” she knew what the other was saying but she didn’t want people to just care about her reputation or what people thought of her just because she needed assistance but felt like asking for it might make others think differently of her; “ You better not or I will smack you with a fish which is not something anyone wants ”
“ yeah well, i’m not one to ask for help. ” jessa admitted with a shrug. it was true, she was a proud woman and she didn’t like the weak feeling that asking for help gave her. hearing kayla tell her that she seemed tougher when she asked for help, jessa just rolled her eyes. she really was too proud sometimes. could one really blame her though? after all, she worked in a STRIP CLUB, she had to be proud to avoid feeling other things. “ did you serious just threaten to smack me with a FISH? ”
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