Doubt.
Such a funny thing.
Such a real thing.
Such a scary thing.
Such a freeing thing.
Such an easy thing.
What is Doubt's place here.
Why does he exist and why do I exist in a way that involuntary and against-my-will, as you will, must entertain and even lie down in bed with this unwanted creature called Doubt.
Why is that?
Logically, Doubt is the antithesis of Faith and Faith as I know (and many others as well know) is one of the most important pillars to the parthenon that is our consciousness (and reason and rationale for existence.) So if Doubt, like darkness (which exists not, but rather only is the complete absence of light,) exists solely on the absence of Faith, then does he even exist? Well I guess I'd say no. But I guess I'd be wrong because he does exists. And like darkness he is as thick, as powerful, and as real as light; and further more demands to be recognized, neigh, dare I say, Doubt (like darkness) stares each of us (at some point in life) in the eye and demands a response, a required abrasion that will lead us all down our own different roads of consequence and which will be as real as the very earth we trod.
Yes, Doubt is a reality in and of itself yet maybe there is a back door pipe line that constructs the support for his existence and maybe in fact that very thing, is Faith.
I do believe in balance so it makes sense and feels actually pleasurable to believe that Doubt gives the contrast necessary for Faith's tangibility, her realness, her weight and just like Pain, no one who's experienced real (I mean real real real) Joy would (or could) ever say, "this Joy came at no price." For I know, as well as them, that as much as we hate Pain, we love it just as much. because Pain is the sugar that makes Joy so delectable, Pain is the ingredient that makes true Joy so, so sweet.
So we have arrived amidst a harbor of dichotomies, a pasture of paradoxes in which we have no choice but to recognize that the understanding of which, is a divine grain that does not flow congruent with the one our beautiful, ailing, and striving minds (or souls) have been graced with, yet.
Yet...
Aye, there's the rub; the hope. And it comes burning.
For we are creatures of progress, always striving, never waiting joyfully in our incongruent grains of simplicity and naivety, but rather are always pushing on, boats against the current as you will.
So now back to Doubt.
It's hard to have him and it's hard to write about him but I believe it's a requirement for our broken souls and therefor fuck the fact that it's hard to write about because I am going to write about him whether I think he's hard or impossible.
As any person whose spent more than no time exploring the corridors of their own mind, or someone who's heard an inspiring quote at some point, I too want to know what is true. Far more than just to know what's true, I want to know Truth. I want my eyes to see through the lenses that change what I see as impossibly tangled moral dilemmas in this life, to crystal clear rights and wrongs, goods and bads. As clear as Windex , and as pleasurable as sex. That's what I want. I want it terribly bad but Doubt is in the way. Actually Doubt in this case is not the only obstacle.
God damn it.
The true obstacle in the way of this desired world of truth-seeing ecstasy is actually Faith, Doubt is just her younger, less developed brother.
Well shit, this puts a wrench in things.
So, am I choosing to quit pursuing the life of, let's call it, truth ecstasy, simply for the namesake of Faith? I think I am. But then again I logically can run the numbers, calculate the digits, see the coordinates to know that the truth-ecstacy life is currently Impossible.
Ahh so thats why, "I Faith". (Faith as a verb.)
Thats why I Faith away my life until alas something truly unknown happens like dying, or ascension, (or descension for that matter.)
Well I've Faithed away my life so far and it's been pretty damn rewarding I'd say. A pretty pleasurable and pretty divine feeling at times.
Yes I like Faith. And just like any less developed younger brother, maybe I need to listen to Doubt, intentionally seek out the place where he's coming from, meet him on his level. That seems usually to work with things, or people, I don't yet understand.
So to you Doubt, I will choose to resist throwing you out of the kingdom every time you make an uprising against my mind's reign, but rather put you on trial, (a soft trial, with a kind jury who really listens, but a jury nonetheless) and really try to see where you're coming from, and either watch you rehabilitate back into a positive existence, or eradicate you from all the land. As much as I hate you little brother, I will try giving you grace, for you are apart of me after all.
And to you Faith. You are a conjugate of my deepest depths and I'm choosing to choose you. You are not my favorite option because you come with your younger brother but there is something mysterious and ultimate in your nature and at moments in time I feel like I witness glimpses of that shine, which is beautiful, (but oft' when I reach out to capture it, its as fleeting as the air I breathe which sucks.)
But nonetheless because of the beauty, I will choose your existence even when your younger brother impossibly pummels you somehow, (most likely because I allow him) and I'm excited to see how our relationship grows. Excited to see it thrive or die but either way excited to see, and feel, and experience it all.
I want the truth. I want to be in that place. And you, Faith, seem like a good road, with a firm (enough) foundation, fit for a long journey to wherever that place of truth may be.