Un Accueilli Hamartia

Do not die unspent

[jedidiahwoods]

With What Was

When all your memories collide in a war with what’s right and with what was,

pain finds its due course.

Thoroughly washing over the sojourners vacant eyes.

Screams, are lost to the wind.

And cries, to the numb hearts of the broken.

‘Rest, we plead, come quick as death!’

[jedidiahwoods]

Our insatiable desire for Consistency

It's the viceral cry all our soul's screaming.

The most tangible intangibility our hearts will ever desire.

It's the ever incessant desire to be known fully.

And more than that, to be loved consistently.

We humans have this simple foundational desire in the core of our beings.

That desire is a plea for threads of consistency to be woven into our lives.

Not the consistency we build ourselves and into our schedules and lives, for we all know that never lasts.

But rather a consistency that comes from outside of us, outside of our human ability to control.

We feel this in the very vibrationsof our souls fibers and it is exemplified when we come in contact with things like true love.

We want this consistency terribly so we look to people and relationships to satisfy our thirst but at the end of the day what we so desperately desire must come from outside ourselves. And I think it must be a divine Thing.

[jedidiahwoods]

A letter to Doubt, personified

Doubt. Such a funny thing. Such a real thing. Such a scary thing. Such a freeing thing. Such an easy thing. What is Doubt's place here. Why does he exist and why do I exist in a way that involuntary and against-my-will, as you will, must entertain and even lie down in bed with this unwanted creature called Doubt. Why is that? Logically, Doubt is the antithesis of Faith and Faith as I know (and many others as well know) is one of the most important pillars to the parthenon that is our consciousness (and reason and rationale for existence.) So if Doubt, like darkness (which exists not, but rather only is the complete absence of light,) exists solely on the absence of Faith, then does he even exist? Well I guess I'd say no. But I guess I'd be wrong because he does exists. And like darkness he is as thick, as powerful, and as real as light; and further more demands to be recognized, neigh, dare I say, Doubt (like darkness) stares each of us (at some point in life) in the eye and demands a response, a required abrasion that will lead us all down our own different roads of consequence and which will be as real as the very earth we trod. Yes, Doubt is a reality in and of itself yet maybe there is a back door pipe line that constructs the support for his existence and maybe in fact that very thing, is Faith. I do believe in balance so it makes sense and feels actually pleasurable to believe that Doubt gives the contrast necessary for Faith's tangibility, her realness, her weight and just like Pain, no one who's experienced real (I mean real real real) Joy would (or could) ever say, "this Joy came at no price." For  I know, as well as them, that as much as we hate Pain, we love it just as much. because Pain is the sugar that makes Joy so delectable, Pain is the ingredient that makes true Joy so, so sweet. So we have arrived amidst a harbor of dichotomies, a pasture of paradoxes in which we have no choice but to recognize that the understanding of which, is a divine grain that does not flow congruent with the one our beautiful, ailing, and striving minds (or souls) have been graced with, yet. Yet... Aye, there's the rub; the hope. And it comes burning. For we are creatures of progress, always striving, never waiting joyfully in our incongruent grains of simplicity and naivety, but rather are always pushing on, boats against the current as you will. So now back to Doubt. It's hard to have him and it's hard to write about him but I believe it's a requirement for our broken souls and therefor fuck the fact that it's hard to write about because I am going to write about him whether I think he's hard or impossible. As any person whose spent more than no time exploring the corridors of their own mind, or someone who's heard an inspiring quote at some point, I too want to know what is true. Far more than just to know what's true, I want to know Truth. I want my eyes to see through the lenses that change what I see as impossibly tangled moral dilemmas in this life, to crystal clear rights and wrongs, goods and bads. As clear as Windex , and as pleasurable as sex. That's what I want. I want it terribly bad but Doubt is in the way. Actually Doubt in this case is not the only obstacle. God damn it. The true obstacle in the way of this desired world of truth-seeing ecstasy is actually Faith, Doubt is just her younger, less developed brother. Well shit, this puts a wrench in things. So, am I choosing to quit pursuing the life of, let's call it, truth ecstasy, simply for the namesake of Faith? I think I am. But then again I logically can run the numbers, calculate the digits, see the coordinates to know that the truth-ecstacy life is currently Impossible. Ahh so thats why, "I Faith". (Faith as a verb.) Thats why I Faith away my life until alas something truly unknown happens like dying, or ascension, (or descension for that matter.) Well I've Faithed away my life so far and it's been pretty damn rewarding I'd say. A pretty pleasurable and pretty divine feeling at times. Yes I like Faith. And just like any less developed younger brother, maybe I need to listen to Doubt, intentionally seek out the place where he's coming from, meet him on his level. That seems usually to work with things, or people, I don't yet understand. So to you Doubt, I will choose to resist throwing you out of the kingdom every time you make an uprising against my mind's reign, but rather put you on trial, (a soft trial, with a kind jury who really listens, but a jury nonetheless) and really try to see where you're coming from, and either watch you rehabilitate back into a positive existence, or eradicate you from all the land. As much as I hate you little brother, I will try giving you grace, for you are apart of me after all. And to you Faith. You are a conjugate of my deepest depths and I'm choosing to choose you. You are not my favorite option because you come with your younger brother but there is something mysterious and ultimate in your nature and at moments in time I feel like I witness glimpses of that shine, which is beautiful, (but oft' when I reach out to capture it, its as fleeting as the air I breathe which sucks.) But nonetheless because of the beauty, I will choose your existence even when your younger brother impossibly pummels you somehow, (most likely because I allow him) and I'm excited to see how our relationship grows. Excited to see it thrive or die but either way excited to see, and feel, and experience it all. I want the truth. I want to be in that place. And you, Faith, seem like a good road, with a firm (enough) foundation, fit for a long journey to wherever that place of truth may be.

[jedidiahwoods]

On Spiritual Aloneness

(If you choose to read any of this, please read all of it for my sake.)

I'm understanding it more.

This life, and how overwhelming it can be, and the aloness that meets us all eventually.

The very words I'm about to write will ironically prove that no one will understand them. Wether I am right or wether I refuse to believe otherwise, and therefore anyone's consoling comments with them, I'm ok with it for now.

As I delve, inevitably, deeper into life and my conciousness, I am overwhelmed. Perfectly so.

There is an infinity either to this world or to our minds, either of which, if true, proves the other also, and therefore neither are false.

I feel at times, so close to it. Like I'm touching then ricocheting off the atmosphere of that infinity. Almost able to feel it enough, yet like Gatsby, "it is ever eluding us."

This infinity proves to me there's a Divinity of some kind, but it is all so unordinary and unhuman that I think we all interpretate it in ravenously different ways and at separate times because all our stories are different. Making each of one's spiritual ideals, in the most pure and base states, unrelatable.

It is because each mans search for meaning amidst this reality, if taken seriously, inevitably becomes an ultimatly intimate, subjective and exclusive journey that no one, (fucking, no one) can come close to fully comprehending.

We bump into each other throughout life, leaving small impacts and big ones, all the while either giving gentle healing or destructing wounds and slowly finding ways to see one another.

But through it all, though some souls be binded tighter than any others, we are all still galaxies apart.

I feel as though at times I have cought glimpses of this utterly horrible, grotesque and epitomic realty; the reality of ultimate, spiritual aloness.

Spiritual aloness.

Alone, our souls, rightly so, can't take this, "it's too dark, too dark all together," as Conrad put it.

Therefore I am once again forced upon the banks of reconciling that there must be a Divinity.

For no human, but only a Divinity, would have the ability to fully relate to the wild magninomous workings of my ever turmoiled soul.

And because of the beauty I've tasted in this life, through glimpses of this Divinity, I refuse to believe we live in a reality where spiritual relatability is unattainable and rather the only recourse we are left with is ultimate spiritual aloness. I refuse to believe this.

I will not believe that the infinity of our Souls exist to be alone forever in the vastness of their own manifestations.

I believe our souls exist to be known.

There is something more coming, something outside all our souls.

There has to be.

[jedidiahwoods]

The days of insanity

There is so much in my soul. So much I want to write about but for the last 3.3 years the inspiration has been so fleeting and runs as soon as I reach for it.

It all is crippled by the guilt of self.

My identity has been overtaken by my darkest epitomes and all my words have been stolen with it.

The only words that I can write and that soothe the ripped flesh of my meloncholy soul are the words of other's stories. I find relief in walking the storylines of people I know nothing about, thankful that for a few minutes I can escape my own.

#drought

[jedidiahwoods]

A voice text about stories

Whenever someone is sharing their story and they begin to cry my soul yearns.

I take the memories of those tears, bottle them up and I throw them into the sea of my dreams to be retrieved later down the road when I'm taking my life for fucking granted. As I find those old jars of tears may God use them to bring me hope for a better tomorrow. Seeing people cry over memories much harder than my whole life combined should start carnage in my futile life and truly change me forever.

Those times I forget even for a millisecond that I am more blessed than my fucking mind can exist in knowing make me just want to scream into that sea of dreams till I break.

[jedidiahwoods]

A dream from the night of 12/26/14

Luke and Lauren were not only dating but married and had a baby. I was with Luke and he said I could drive but when I got to the car Lauren looked at me with disapproval and said, "I would normally let you drive, but are baby is here." I said okay and was fine with it. Luke drove.

[jedidiahwoods]

A dream from a night in 2017

I was running for some reason. I decided in my dream that they were going to chase me. We were riding around dinosaurs. Our car broke so I grabbed underneath a semi truck as it sped through an urban scene until there was a break of grassyness and apparently a school. It looked shady and there were abandoned factories with high billows around the school. The taxi that was behind me was working for the enemy and saw me go toward the school. I then noticed the school was for the most part surrounded with fences. I met some kids and they said the "they" will not let you leave. Then I saw a mysterious duo of middle aged men walk into the building and one of them offered an awkward, forced and deceivingly cheerful "hello." The men where busy with other things but they gave the air of , "everything is under control" . Then I woke

[jedidiahwoods]

A dream from the night of 8/24/18

I was a younger man who could cross as a young kid. I was in a middle Eastern country. At a place that was war torn as cars and nice things were scattered everywhere but also everything was in shambles, bombed out. The kind of place with little paths and roads that where thoroughly used but only by the locals, and only known by the locals. A place that from afar, looked like a city in rubble and a junk yard. It looked beautiful in my dream, like something from a movie set. I was there for a reason, I was visiting. I remember meeting the people and seeing how beautiful they were. There was a bond made and it was beautiful. There where enemy soldiers coming we knew, and I'm not sure why but it had something to do with either, me being there, or the same reason I was there. We were doing something when I looked and saw smoke rising. We knew they where coming but did not expect them this soon, that was okay I thought though, we where ready. Me and the other "kids" ran through our "camp"(our piece of the deteriorated environment) and came to a path that merged into a larger outer path and we waited as the bad people road by, I think on cars. They were on some kind of driving thing and had guns and look about my actual age. One of them had a shiny m16. They passed us for kids and we kept running and when we hit the main path the rest of the "kids " I was with jumped on long boards that where lined up and ready to use. I didn't have one but I felt fine with running along, able to keep an unnatural steady pace with them. I felt confident that what was going to happen would turn out in our favor, but I had no idea what was going to happen.

-

That was when I woke as the plane I was on landed. It reminded me of the life of a young child in a torn city in Iraq or Afghanistan who grew up with guns and bombs all around him but who felt comfortable with where he was and who knew more than anyone else. The whole time in the dream my ears hurt and that was because in real life the pressure was building up a lot. Because of that pressure it also made sounds not come through and therefore made the dream more fluid and consistent as it was in complete silence. Waking up felt like breaking out of multiple layers. In the end it was a dream I wish I could have continued, a beautiful, imagery rich dream that I long to return to. One full of life and death, danger, and excitement.

[jedidiahwoods]

A dream from the night of 7/23/2018

A big cruise ship was docked for some reason close by and that's when the big dream started. A lot of people I knew and some I didn't where there and it was like this weird ship/freight ship. I can't remember what happened in between now and the incident but I don't think it was much. Because then the incident happened. I became a venom type creature, mixed with alien and predator and long bug claws. I would rip people apart and scream in a deep loud low voice "I'm a monster". It wasn't me but at the same time it wasn't totally not me. I remember running around killing people, but it was weird, it felt like me in a way and at the same time it felt like I couldn't control it. I remember lifting Nikko up by the throat after chasing him down and throwing him over the cliff into the abyss and then grabbing fat lady I knew but can't remember over the side of the ship. Around then I remembered ripping people apart but they were no people I remember. But then I became more aware of myself and noticed that I was beginning to lose the voice and the look of the monster and began turning back into my normal self. I collapsed and acted like I fainted as they dragged me into a holding cell thing. He was just talking to me and then said, "Don't worry, this is going to hurt more than anything you've ever felt," and he was stabbing something into my stomach which electrocuted me and I winced from the expected pain then I felt a strange sensation as I daydreamed and saw an African American mans face floating in front of mine with a clean haircut. That ended soon and I was conscious of the interrogator again and tried to explain, "I know anyone who kills that many people deserves the death penalty but it was that virus. Do you know that virus from that doctor?" I knew when I said it that he would know who I was talking about but he doubted I think. Not sure what happened right after but pretty quickly if not immediately, another creature like the one I was, appeared and ripped all the men apart by sticking his hands through their chest and pulling them apart. The creature said , "I'm back!" It was a strange greeting. At the moment he appeared and said it there was a whole past that ushered into to my mind. I couldn't remember the past but I knew there was some kind of relationship between us. Like we hated that we inseparably connected some how. He went off to wreak havoc on the people and somehow a bunch of the people turned into really nooby versions of monsters, like versions that needed to be trained or something and they just got shot or didn't do anything. I retreated into the huge boat which was kinda like a city and felt very heavy. Mostly because I felt like I knew, like I was in the loop, but that it was sad. I knew I knew the main monster and what he would and could do and it was heavy. Although I didn't know the details of our connection I knew  there was a whole entire past full of things. All from when he looked at me said "I'm back" and spared my life. It was strange as I heard and felt the whole boat and all the people and the changed city explode in emotional chaos and fear as all authority was dead and there were random good monsters just standing around who still looked kinda bad but didn't do anything and there was the master monster running around killing people quickly. It was continually interrupted near the end by an alarm and Roman but that's pretty much where it ended. Retreating on the roof tops in my human mindset, not monster, but with the ability of the monster, in a very somber, knowing, mood sad about what happened and what was going to happen.

[jedidiahwoods]

You are so much more than two atoms

To the girl who told me our origin is two colliding atoms.

You are so much more than two atoms.

Because of the 7 billion billion billion atoms that make up your body , not one of them has experienced failings, losses, and lessons, only you can know.

You are so much more precious than two atoms.

Because two atoms do not have mothers willing to carry them for 9 months just to expirence the most painful hours of their lives simply so you could exist.

And simply to give you the chance to dream one day.

You are so much deeper than two atoms.

Because you are a living and breathing story. The state your soul is today is only that way because the long journey of pains and joys you've expirenced in life thus far; a long harranging plot that can begin to give justice to your joy.

You are so much more complex than two atoms.

Because the conveluted and barely understandable science of colliding atoms cannot but scratch the surface of complexity your mind requires; why you see the way you see, why you feel the way you feel, why you hurt the way you hurt.

You are so much more real than two atoms because you have infinitely more ability to love than the sum of the world's innumerable atoms.

And your hugs are real, so real. An atom could never hug like you do.

Your exististence demands an unfathomable creator because the fullness of your heart is unfathomable.

Two atoms could never begin to justify the halls of your heart, the depths of your soul, and the power of your love.

The simple reality that you exist gives me no choice but to know certainly that there is a God.

You are so much more than two god damn atoms

[jedidiahwoods]

Sunday's

I'm fine.

I'm good.

I'm great.

I'm fucked.

I'm shit.

But I like Sunday's

[jedidiahwoods]

Preparing For Paradise

A heavy life Bogged down with experience The good and the bad alike Both existing in confluence Paving each one’s race of undulation The troughs give Justice to the swells But as age increases the troughs draw deeper And the swells rise lower What’s left is the inaudible scream of desire for the day the waves we wallow in vanish, and we step onto the dry ground we were destined for. Let’s prepare for that, let’s prepare for Paradise #prose

[jedidiahwoods]

Own Kingdoms

We are all Kings of our Own Kingdoms 

We all Roar unreserved at our Own Victories 

We all Sulk laboriously in our Own Glory 

We all indulge daily in our Own Luxuries 

But there are 7,481,633,489 Own Kingdoms. 

Why does ours matter?

[jedidiahwoods]

A Peculiar Arrangement

You have put in me a desire to leave this world yet have blessed me more than some who have a burning passion to stay. Oh the haranguing irony of desire, life, and desiring life. #thought #prose #paradox

[jedidiahwoods]

A welcomed Hamartia

Her mind, it was a fantastic thing. As simple as the wind yet as complex as hurricanes. Holding the ability to cool an aching heart as well as crush a searching soul.

She was a welcomed hamartia. A known yet desired demise.

Conveying an allusion or perhaps, truth, that she really was worth it

[jedidiahwoods]

Où est notre Force

How are we to become stronger unless we can overcome Satan at his strongest.