Raw And Uncut.

[jeffreyalan]

I’ve learned to see my losses as stepping stone towards something greater. I’m continuing to see the limitless potential in the ending of a story. I begin to accept that they’re paving the way to the direction that I’m meant to go and understand that every mistake and failure is leading me to eventual success, even when I don’t understand it.

I used to associate ending with regret and fear of how things would never be the same. But now, I have come to see that on the heel of every goodbye, it’s the start of a new beginning. And maybe, that’s what I need. That when something ends, there is no cause for alarm or fear that my life is taking a turn for the worse. Instead, I should focus on the abundance of new opportunities and blessing coming my way.

Taking a leap of faith when my deepest insecurity almost forbid me to take that plunge. That faint hope that whispered, ‘why not’ when I was racked in misery.

Change may be painful, but it’s often necessary. It’s better to pluck up my courage and grab my chance with the unknown but boundless possibilities than stay stuck to a story that had finished. It’s better to have faith that something beautiful is coming along than stay stuck to the past continuously. It’s better to go ahead and try then to live a life of regret and forever wondering what if.

But, what if? There’s always chance. Even .001, there’s always a chance. Even so, who really knows just how sorry I am and ashamed of how it all went down? Maybe you’ll never know.

Beneath the hardness and the roller coaster emotional ride, there are flashes of hopes, optimism, and faith that I can overcome the overwhelming odds stack against me. It wasn’t a breeze to get through. There were storms and persisting dark times that I thought I couldn’t survive. There were tears and heartbreak when all I want is to lament about my bad luck and wallow in my negativity. But there were also good times when my hard work was rewarded and brought me to the end of the tunnel.

Every experience is a valuable lesson that emboldens me to take another closer step towards wherever it is I’m walking to. I learn to trust in myself that I can do anything I set my heart to. And learn to love myself because there’s only one me.

[jeffreyalan]

I understood myself, only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really am.

[jeffreyalan]

We all have those days where we look in the mirror and it’s hard to love the person looking back at us. Maybe it’s a small flaw we wish we could change physically. Every time we look in the mirror that’s what we see first. That’s what we fixate on.

But the thing we have to understand about flaws is most the time it’s something projected onto us. As children, we aren’t born hating ourselves. Hate is learned. 

Even knowing that and understanding it, we still pick ourselves apart sometimes. Every outfit we try on for a big night we hate and next thing we know our entire room is covered in everything we own. Maybe we aren’t confident in a choice we made or how we handled a situation. We keep replaying it in our mind how we could have done something differently. Beating ourselves up. If only you knew.

Maybe we aren’t confident in where we are right now because of where we think we should be. We look at where someone else is and it feels like they are winning. But the most important thing to understand is the only race we are in is the one we have with ourselves. That’s the only person we need to compare ourselves to.

You can allow yourself to feel through whatever you’re feeling but when it’s over start again. And you don’t have to start on a Monday or a new morning or a new month. Feel through your insecurities and start again. Understand we are all going to have those moments that are setbacks. Those moments where we really don’t like the person looking back at us. The moments we make the wrong choice. The moments where we are really mean to ourselves.

I’m telling you it’s okay to feel that sometimes. It’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay that you are having a moment where confidence has completely escaped you. It’s okay if you aren’t where you want to be YET. This is all part of the process.

The truth is we all struggle with different things internally. Things that no one even knows about. Things that we are still healing from. Moments of complete doubt. We all have baggage and regrets and things that keep us up at night. Caught. Between the past and present. Caught somewhere between what’s the next big step and security with where we are, knowing very well average isn’t where we want to settle.

On our worst days, we all want to feel so much better than we do. We all have weak and insecure moments. And that’s okay. It’s what you do after that moment that counts for everything.

Strive to be better. Strive to work harder. Strive to be more successful. But above all strive to be a little kinder especially to yourself. We all deserve to be a little kinder to the person looking back at us in the mirror. 

[jeffreyalan]

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

[jeffreyalan]

It is never the answer. #suicide

[jeffreyalan]

Where do you go when it gets dark?

[jeffreyalan]

Aaron Lewis - What Hurts the Most - YouTube

[jeffreyalan]

Do not run. Do not over-exhaust your beating heart. Give yourself the patience that you so rightly deserve. And give yourself time to heal in the dead of winter. And let your life come in slow river currents instead of crashing waves.

Let your life be. Let your life slow down. Everything that you want will come when it needs to. And everything that will come your way, will happen when it is supposed to. Have faith in your timing. And have hope that there will always be a better tomorrow.

[vanish]

[jeffreyalan]

I know you don’t know what the next move should be or what step to take. But you know you have to take one. I know you’re confused and hurting a bit, trying to find these answers. But the thing is your whole life will figure itself out and there are some answers you don’t need right now and other answers you have to go find. We all want to be happy and doing something we love. And sometimes the things we love change and that’s okay. To get there again comes with risks and taking chances and doing something that will make you uncomfortable. Don’t ever become too comfortable with your life. If you look back at your best moments in a highlight reel, I know it came with doing something that put you out of your comfort zone. Because the truth is it’s only when you take risks are you truly living your life to the greatest potential it can be. When you look back at your life, make sure it’s you that made those choices and not someone else. Make sure you’d look back at a life you’d be proud of. Don’t try and live a life to please others or make them happy or live up to their expectations of what you should be doing. The truth is no matter what choice you make or what direction you go, someone is always going to judge you and think you could be doing something differently. Silence those voices. Silence the voice that is fear in your own head that is keeping you here in a place you aren’t happy. Start listening to your heart. You will never go wrong if you follow that. Dig deep into your heart and ask yourself what do you truly want? Be brutally honest. Make that wish. Write it down. Look at it every single day. And believe that it can come true. And do everything you can to make that happen. But making those things happen comes with risks. And sometimes that risk of reaching for something new and unfamiliar can only be grasped if you let go of what you’re already holding onto. And you might fall. You might fail. But I think if your heart is behind whatever chance you take, then it’s impossible to ever consider such things a failure or a mistake. So if you’re lost or confused and not sure what your next step should be, just take a chance at doing something that will bring you closer to happiness. Even if it’s a little step.

[jeffreyalan]

Happiness is a choice. So I often wonder: Is sadness a choice too? Who wants to be sad? Happiness is something that most of us long for. Happiness is the positive emotion and state of mind that most of us want to live in. Sadness seems dark and dismal and something to flee from. Sadness, however, is something that we all experience at one time or another. And maybe it’s okay to be sad sometimes.

I try to be happy as much as I can. I have a lot to be grateful for and I try not to lose sight of it. Even in life’s challenges, I was always taught to try to find the happiness in each struggle or pain or hurt. And I try to as much as I can. But I am a real person and I can’t always do that. Sadness is not my feeling or emotion of first-choice but l also think in many ways, sadness is an inevitable feeling.

I’ve never really been good at expressing sadness. I can express happiness and anger and frustration and passion. But sadness always seemed like weakness to me. It always seemed like something dark and dangerous that if I embodied too much, it wouldn’t leave. Still, sadness is a part of life. But I never quite knew what to do with it. Oftentimes I would try to keep busy and ignore it and let it pass. I wouldn’t want to think about it or feel it or get to know it. I just wanted it to pass and to choose happiness again.

But sadness should be felt in the realest way. It obviously exists for a reason. It exists to show our humanity, our ability to be compassionate to others, and to ourselves. It shows that no matter how strong we are, we’re all ultimately human which means our strength is finite. Sadness is also a reminder of how much we need each other because most of the time our sadness comes from each other just as much as it comes from within. Sadness is a great teacher in many ways and maybe the most important lesson we learn is to be honest with ourselves and with others.

[jeffreyalan]

Life is chaotic sometimes. Just as you think everything is going swimmingly, something happens that sends you out of whack. It makes you a little bit adrift and this unsettling feeling is hard to shake. Whether it’s losing your job, your significant other, or close friendships, it’s important to take a step back, breathe and surrender.

I always get into a funk when my life goes off balance. Sometimes I feel like I’ve taken one step forwards and two steps back. That’s when I stop and try to realize.

It’s okay.

It’s okay to feel behind, it’s okay not to be okay, but at the same time it’s important to pick yourself up.

Accept.

We want to control everything around us, the situations and the people, but you’ve got to remember that you can’t control every aspect of your life. Don’t waste your energy into things you can’t control. Instead, use that energy to get yourself closer to those goals and being the best version of yourself.

Trust.

Trust in life and trust in yourself. Trust that where you are at in your life at the moment is the right thing and the thing you need most. Don’t compare your life to others, everyone is on an individual journey and is on a completely different path and scrolling through your feed on social media isn’t going to make you feel better if you think everyone is ahead of you. Life isn’t a race, so slow down.

Learn.

Learn from the struggles, falls, heartache, heartbreak, loss, and endings. Because when something ends, a new thing begins. Learn from the people who have come into your life and left, learn from the people who are still here, learn from your experiences – good and bad, and most of all learn from yourself.

Celebrate.

We all have goals that we one day want to achieve, but in the meantime celebrate your small wins and keep yourself motivated. Focusing on just the big goal can be daunting at times when you think you’re not getting closer to it, so look at each step as a tick in the box, getting you that much closer to your goals and go and have that glass of wine, or beer, or Jameson and celebrate (any excuse for a tipple).

Be grateful.

Be grateful for everything in your life. Acknowledge the good, no matter how small. You woke up this morning and have another chance at life, you have great friends and family, you have a roof over your head, whatever it is, be grateful.

Life is amazing, then awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful, it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living, heart-breaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life and it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

[jeffreyalan]

So keep holding on to hope without assurance.  Holding on to a memory of light. But will the morning come? For all I know, we’ll never see the sun.. But together we’ll fight the long defeat.

[jeffreyalan]

By hiding from all of your darkness, you’re denying the world of your light. Of your virtue. Of the parts of yourself that are capable of coming back to life to restore the joy and the hope that is needed in the wake of your greatest mistakes.  When you let yourself accept all of those evil, unfathomable parts of yourself, you simultaneously offer yourself the chance to evolve beyond them. To grow past them. To accept that you may never be the endlessly virtuous person you once considered yourself to be, but with the death of that idealistic self comes the birth of a realer, more capable one.

One who knows the their capacity for both light and darkness and who nonetheless chooses the light.

[jeffreyalan]

The Pursuit Of Happiness

Something we all strive to be every day. A concept that sometimes feels unattainable, yet we fantasize about when this emotion will fill our souls and consume our bodies. We wait for that fleeting moment where we can just sit back, take a deep breath, and finally say the three words we so desperately want to feel every moment of every day, “I am happy.”

But think about your self-growth. About the periods of time that led you to be your most genuine self. What state of mind were you in that caused you to become someone that you are proud of? Maybe we don’t improve and grow as human beings during the moments that we are happy. Maybe we grow from the obstacles we face during the journey of life. So what was I feeling when my blinders came off and I realized the kind of person I wanted to be? In that moment I experienced disturbing emotions—I experienced anger, fear, loneliness, and resentment. I felt lost and became numb to certain people and certain things. That moment, those feelings, that day, it changed everything. Happiness is wonderful, but it is a comfort zone. We are so focused on reaching this destination that we forget that it is the excursion that shapes us. I think it is through your struggles and defeat that you mature the most. When I think about my past, the happy moments all seem to be blurred together. What I remember distinctly are the hard times and tough conversations that were necessary to find my inner peace. Those moments are so tough to go through, but now you look back and you don’t recognize that person anymore, do you? That person is a stranger to you now, right? In those moments, you developed qualities that changed who you were going to be for the rest of your life. You became better, smarter, resilient, and the kind of person you didn’t know you could ever be. Without even realizing it, you became happier. Do I want to be happy? Yes. Do I want the road to happiness to be easy? No. As dumb as it sounds, happiness is not something that we are meant to feel constantly. It’s a reward. I used to believe being happy all the time was the ultimate goal to a healthy life, but I realized that you should never be ashamed of the scars life has left you with along the way. A scar means the hurt is over and the wound is closed. It means that you conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger, and moved forward. Those scars, those moments where you have hit rock bottom, those are the key to happiness. I finally grasped why happiness is something people are constantly struggling to achieve. Some people aren’t willing to embrace their scars and continue on. Instead they wallow in self-pity and refuse to get back up. Happiness doesn’t teach you to be happy—sadness, confusion, heart break, and loss does. 

Keep going.

[solisseblog]

[vgjunk]

Snoopy Concert, Super Famicom.