Jeffs2Sense

I'm Jeff Goldblum the cat. I love my brother, Mr. Big. My best friend is Paul. He is a fish. He is also my enemy. Email me at [email protected]

[jeffs2sense-blog]

Jeff's Wonderful Wednesday Wish.com Item of the Week!

My first post of the new segment!! Again I know it is a day late, I'm sorrows! But here you go!!! :

The "New Women Hair Dryer Soft Hood Bonnet Attachment Haircare Salon Hairdressing Hat"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only 7$ down from 16$!!!!

Brand new and high quality. Safe to use, comfortable and convenient. The bonnet can be used for deep conditioning, hot oils and heat treatments. Elastic at the end of tube holds the hood on the hair dryer. Drawstring to tighten around head.

Look how happy she is!!!!

If you want to buy your own go here!!!

http://www.wish.com/search/hair%20dryer#cid=53679c657360467fdeecf67c

[jeffs2sense-blog]

OH KNWS I FORGETS!!!!!

I forgot to post the first post of my new segment yesterday!!!! Oh wells, I am a cat! I can't remember everything! Lord knows Paul wasn't gonna remind me!!

FIRST THOUGH! Before I do "Jeff's Wonderful Wednesday Wish.com Item of the Week", I would like to send another BIG OLE THANK YOU to everyone who participated in my Live Tweet of the Globes last Sunday night. I got over 5,500 views!! Maybe not a lot to some of you but thats a sweg amount more then I usually get!!!

[jeffs2sense-blog]

WEEK #7: PAUL'S PRODUCE PICK OF THE WEEK

First off, Jeff would like to thank everyone who hopped over to Twitter last night to check out his live tweeting. 

NOW! BACK TO WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED!! MY PRODUCE PICK OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!

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Fucking Kale.

Not really exciting and in fact I hate Kale, but it's the big fad right now and I knew sooner or later I would have to give it a shout out, so I thought I would get it over with.

It's lettuce.

It's green.

It's disgusting.

It's Kale.

[jeffs2sense-blog]

TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT!!!!!

JEFF GOLDBLUM THE CAT HERE AND I AM SO EXCITED BECAUSE THE GOLDEN GLOBES ARE TONIGHT!!!!

AND I WILL BE LIVE TWEETING THEM!!!!!!!

LIVE TWEETING!!!!

SO EXCITED!!!!

Also, I would like to announce another schnawesome segment we will have on the blog- Along with of course, Monday's Paul's Produce Pick of the Week (Check back tomorrow)....

The new segment will be Jeff's Wednesday Wonderful Wish.com Item of the week!!! Where I, Jeff, will pick my favorite item from Wish.com

SO COME BACK TOMORROW FOR PAUL'S PICK, CHECK OUT WEDNESDAY FOR THE FIRST NEW SEGMENT, AND HOP OVER TO TWITTER IN A FEW HOURS FOR THE START OF MY LIVE TWEETING!!!

[jeffs2sense-blog]

WEEK #6: PAUL'S PRODUCE PICK OF THE WEEK

HOW WAS EVERYONE'S HOLIDAYS!?!?!?!?!?!?

Don't care.

Jeff and I are back to our blog after our holiday break, which means my Produce Pick of the Week is back!!!

What will it be today?

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BROCCOLI!!!

Our first vegetable of the Produce Pick Series!!!!

Broccoli is awesome, because it looks like a little tree.

According to the best source of info ever, Wikipedia:

"The word broccoli comes from the Italian plural of broccolo, which means "the flowering crest of a cabbage", and is the diminutive form of brocco, meaning "small nail" or "sprout"."

Small nail? Aren't nails already small? A nail is definitely smaller than broccoli.

Oh well. The only bad thing about broccoli is that it is green. And green is a dreadful color.

[jeffs2sense-blog]

Paul and I will return next week!!! Happy Holidays!! SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!

[jeffs2sense-blog]

A sound you heard comes asking for bread.

Dear Jeff: I am a graduate student pursuing my dream career. In order to finance my studies, I applied and was awarded many scholarships; however, I still took our student loans. I have so many loans, I'm up to my booty in debt!! How can I take care of this? Sincerely: No money, Mo' problems

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Dear NoMo:

Ah yes, the dreaded debt. I have never had to worry about that because my net worth is 765,987,431,988,231.98$, but I know Paul has always had a debt problem. He always says, “Debts are like children: the smaller they are the more noise they make.” So he just keeps adding on to his debts and then says "One day I will be dead."

So I guess if you want to take the Paul route, then there you go!

But if you want to take a different stroll, I suggest just taking one day at a time. I know it would be nice to pay it in one baulk lump, but unless you slip on some pee pee outside the Costco and get a nice settlement, you are gonna be force to just step back and be patient.

When you get a bill, pay it. If you can do a little more, maybe round it up to the nearest 50$ mark, like if the bill is 324.97$, see if you can pay and even 350$. Or if it's a 76.25$, see if you can make it up to 100$. Paying the little extra will not only feel good, over time it will help you out a bunches.

So just be patient my feline friend. Stay true to your due dates. The end will be nigh just soon enough.

[jeffs2sense-blog]

Another day is a storyteller without equal.

Dear Jeff: I recently married a seemingly wonderful man. We were high school sweethearts, so when he finally popped the question, I was ecstatic! Although, before we got engaged we always fought over the stupidest stuff, but I figured once we were married all that would change. Nothing has gotten better. We still fight to the point of tears every week. I'm unsure what I should do. We have a daughter together and I just don't want her to not be around her father. I love my man, but I don't think I can be happy with him anymore. Sincerely: Married and Miserable

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Dear M&M:

First off, you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

Never ever ever ever ever get married to "fix" something. Marriage is just a label and a piece of paper- it's not the relationship. Some people say you have to fight in a relationship and then I ask "Are you single or unhappy in relationship?"

Fighting should not be in a relationship. Discussing should be though! The difference is that it doesn't end in "tears every week". It ends in understanding, a resolution and other gross things you humans do.

I'm sure you "love your man" but do you love-love him or do you just like-like him? Maybe you got so use to the relationship you just like the idea of him.

Your daughter would be better off in an environment where she could see her mom happy for once.

No brainer.

#jeffgoldblumthecat

(dictated, but not read)

[jeffs2sense-blog]

WEEK #5: PAUL'S PRODUCE PICK OF THE WEEK

Okay you swaggerts. Lets get right down to it-

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The bitch ass cousin of the pumpkin:

THE BUTTERNUT SQUASH!

Although it is the bitch of the family, it has way more Vitamin A than the pumpkin has- it's trying to be the favorite.

Its makes great soup too, for those of you readers who like things in liquid form.

And just like its festive cousin, the seeds from a butter nut squash are a great little snack mouth popper.

So run down to your local market or Wal*Mart and grab one of these butts for a good hearty and healthy din din.

[[Paul Out]]

[jeffs2sense-blog]

Two-finger John tests the thesis that your theorem would unleash.

Dear Jeff:

Christmas is just around the corner, but I recently moved further south where it never snows or gets cold. How can I get into the spirit when it never looks like I'm walking in a winter wonderland?

Sincerely:

Hot for the Holidays

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Dear Hot for the Holidays:

WOW! Nothing would make me happier than being in a warm place!!!! I LOVE THE HEAT!!! But since you seem to be all debbie downer about it, let me see if I can help.

FIRST!!! JESUSMAS LIGHTS EVERYWHERE!!!!!! I MEAN EVERYWHERE!!!!! I'm sure you already have some up because they are THEE #1 decoration for any time of the year, so put about 700% more lights up and I guarantee the spirit will start flooding into your soul like a candy cane being dipped in foggy pudding.

NEXT!!! JESUSMAS MUSIC ALL THE TIME!!! ALL THE TIME HFTH!!!!!! I know what you are thinking, like everyone else does, "I get burnt out on the holiday music" HOW DO YOU NOT GET BURNT OUT ON ALL THE OTHER CRAP ALL THE REST OF THE YEAR!!!?!??! Seriously, they're are a million renditions of different tunes that you can listen to. Just for 25 days!!! THINK ABOUT IT MY FELINE FRIEND!!! 340 days of the year I am sure you listen to the same kind of dribble- for 25 days just listen to Jesusmas music and your heart will grow and grow, just like Green Jim Carrey's did!!!

LAST!!! PRESENTS!!! Buy ALL the presents!!!! Put a tree up and fill it with presents!!! And keep that tree lit 26/7!!!!!!!!!!! Who are the presents for?!?! ANYONE!! Make them all for you!!! Make them all for me!!!! Make them all for Paul!!!! But Make it look like Jesusmas up in your Hot Heaven and your Winter Wonderland will come true!!

And  for realzie's last, the Jesusmas spirit comes from the heart, so just keep a red & green colored happy heart and your Christmas will be more wonderful then any that have come before. 

P.S.- I KNOW this was all super helpful, so don't forget my present...my favorite color is orange....

#jeffgoldblumthecat

(dictated, but not read)

[jeffs2sense-blog]

WEEK #4: PAUL'S PRODUCE PICK OF THE WEEK!!!

WHAT UP YOU SAUSAGES!!!!

It's time for the gloriousness that is:

PAULS! PRODUCE! PICK! OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!

[[applause]]

SO WHO IS READY!!?!?!?!?!??!

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The PINEAPPLE!!!!!!

THE FUCKING PINEAPPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Some delicious facts about the pineapple:

1. It takes almost 3 years for a single pineapple to reach maturation.

2.They make excellent jack-o-lanterns.

Well. That's all the facts I have for you bitches. 

#paulout

[jeffs2sense-blog]

The latest Tweets from JeffGoldblumtheCat (@Jeffs2Sense). http://t.co/JjbKZAWSuS Email me at [email protected]. Ohio

[jeffs2sense-blog]

Lonely Henry is nonsensical

Dear Jeff:

Maybe you can help me. My cat, Wuggapuss, refuses to eat healthy food. All he wants is junk food. You see, he is an octogenarian, nearly 19 in human years. Due to his age, he's lost a few teeth and has digestive issues, so his favorite junk food, Friskies Pate entrees, causes him to throw up...projectile style....and guess who gets to clean it up? I have his vet suggested 'healthy-balanced-geared- toward-good-digestive-health' gourmet food (costs 3x the Friskies), which when he finally does eat it, he doesn't vomit. He meows for hours demanding his junk food. His constant meowing at mealtimes and in the middle of night has become quite annoying. Any suggestions? Signed:

A concerned and sleep deprived Mom

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Dear ACASDM:

That's because middle of the night mealtime is the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUTTTTTT, from experience, I can see where Wuggapuss is coming from!! ALL THOSE OTHER THINGS ARE DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One time mom bought me the worst dry food in the world that my brothers and I couldn't stand. But she put this delicious liquid on it that made it more tolerable. I think she called it broth. We ate it right up then!!

So I guess maybe you could try finding some broth that doesn't make WuggaWugga vomit? And THEN if you put it on his food he will gobble it up and not be hungry in the night time because BROTH IS SO AMAZING!!!!

Hope this helps ACASDM!!

#jeffgoldblumthecat

(dictated, but not read)

[jeffs2sense-blog]

Stupidity is often pregnant

Dear Jeff:

I need your advice. Why is dating so tough? I seem to run into problems either having a bachelor interested in me & I'm not interested in him or I'm interested in him & he's not?! For example, I'm still looking for Mr. Right. I have 2 bachelors that are part of my scenario. Bachelor #1 has made me completely aware of his interests towards me. He's friendly, and always texts to see how I am. I just don't get excited when I see his Name pop up on my phone. Bachelor #2 appears to be standing over a line. One moment he veers to the right and he is into me, next he crosses back over to left and don't hear from him for week or so. Besides that he has good solid qualities that I'm attracted to. I like him, but I'm not comfortable with straddling of the line. So Jeff, where do I go from here?! Do I try to find an interest in bachelor #1? Do I dance the line with bachelor #2?

Sincerely Dating Dilemmas

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Dear Dating Dilemmas:

First thing is first, girlfriend, you need to make sure you make time for you.

Second, you say "do I try to find interest"....NO YOU DO NOT!

If you need to find interest in someone, than that someone is not thee someone.

I have about 50 mice on my radar right now, but I only prefer to mingle with the orange ones. Are the other ones fun? Yea, but they aren't for me. My brothers can have them. I prefer the orange ones because I know and can feel that we have a connection and I don't have to try and find interest in them. We are just meant for each other.

So I'd say for sure Bachelor #1 is out of the question.

Bachelor #2 sounds like he is in the same boat that you are with #1, which means he should stop trying and move on, which is what you should do with both of these guys.

Let me leave you with this. Do not being in a relationship where you have to try and find feelings; if you at any second feel uncomfortable; or if at any point you have ANY doubt that that person is not that one, then it's not the guy for you.

Never have I had any doubt that Paul isn't my best friend. Ever. I know we will be together forever. It's the same with love, DD.

Make time for yourself. Get to know you and what you want to be happy. Than find someone who wants to help you stay happy and who makes you happy. Find your best friend.

#jeffgoldblumthecat

(dictated, but not read)

[jeffs2sense-blog]

Rock music tells the tale of paper cuts

Dear Jeff Goldblum: Greetings. I am in need of advice. You see, I want to kill someone- Fat Man Who Feeds Me (Fat Man Who Feeds Me is my owner’s mate). You see, the problem is Fat Man Who Feeds Me has recently changed his title to Fat Man Who Only Feeds Me That Nasty Dry Food Stuff. Never do I receive treats, catnips, or the GLORIOUS TUNA. My beautiful owner always feeds me treats, catnips, and the GLORIOUS TUNA. When it’s Fat Man’s turn, he never feeds me the GLORIOUS TUNA. I recently tried to choke him while he was sleeping, but alas, he awoke. Now he is on to me. How can I help Fat Man meet his timely demise? Sincerely, Prisoner in Ohio ———— Dear Prisoner in Ohio: Thank you for thinking of me for your woahs. I too have had the sad realization that treats, catnip and the deliciousness from the silver can are only a meek millennia between their appearances. And, sadly, I too have sought revenge…revenge to KILL. I would suggest, though, appreciating the times you do get with all the delicious treats. The dry food can be rough day after day, but when I look out the big fishbowl in the living quarters and see wandering whiskers walking by, I realize that they do not suffer the constant dry food dilemma, because they have a far bigger dilemma of not even having food everyday. ———– Now that I have given the obligatory “Don’t Kill the Fat Man” speech, here is what you do: But first! Prisoner, you have got to want this! This requires planning and fortitude! Weeks, months and maybe even years of getting every little detail right! You must be very sly. Humans are already onto our plans of killing. In fact, here is a lovely link to a human site that not only warns humans, it gives great advice to us felines on how to go about getting what we want: http://theoatmeal.com/misc/frame/cat_kill Hope this helps Prisoner. Thank you again for your inquiry. Good luck. #jeffgoldblumthecat —— (dictated, but not read)

[jeffs2sense-blog]

WEEK #3: PAUL’S PRODUCE PICK OF THE WEEK

It’s Monday which means it is time for the best part of your week! (How pathetic you are) PAUL’S PRODUCE PICK OF THE WEEK!!!! Where, if you are new to the game, I, Paul, give you my produce pick of the week. Why? Because why not? DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM THE FUCKING BANANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s right! Gwen Stefani herself would be proud of my choice this week! And why wouldn’t she be? Why wouldn’t you be! It’s a great fruit! High in vitamins. High in being yellow. And did you know botanically speaking it is a berry? Also if you are ever stuck on an island, the banana leaf is waterproof. So lets hope your castaway island has some banana trees and you can make yourself a submarine. Let’s all celebrate this week’s produce pick by going down to the corner, picking up a nice thick banana and sticking it in our mouth to enjoy all of its delicious nutrients. ——– #Paulout

[jeffs2sense-blog]

WEEK #2: Paul’s Produce Pick of the Week

Week number 2 nerds. So whats it gonna be? You think you know? You think you’ve guessed it? Well you haven’t! DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM A Custard Apple. NOT AN APPLE YOU TURD, A CUSTARD APPLE! They are found in central / lower Mexico and South America. Neat fact, they are also called: wild-sweetsop, bull’s heart, bullock’s-heart, or an ox-heart. “Consumed raw as a fruit, it can also be used in a pulp form as baby food. It is a very popular flavor for souffles and mousses. Drinks and smoothies are another way custard apple is used along with syrups, jams and marmalade. Custard apple sauce also pairs well with various meats.” Now you jag weeds are educated. You’re welcome. —– #Paulout