Jeff's Review Corner

I have opinions and I have a hard time keeping them to myself. Updated Tuesdays & Thursdays. Special requests posted Saturdays!

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Game Reviews: Five Nights at Freddy's 3

Well, it seemed inevitable that it'd come to this. Something to be said for what you make your first step of, hm?

Five Nights at Freddy's 3 is the latest installment in the popular, indie horror game series about the world's worst Chuck E Cheese wannabe. However, there are several new wrinkles in that summary than its past two incarnations: the restaurant has been closed for 30 years now and the area so tainted by distrust and urban legend that no one has even built on the land until recently, where what remains has been converted into a horror-themed amusement park attraction. Now, who says video games aren't realistic?

The first night of the game serves merely as a tutorial - it is quite impossible to fail as you can literally do nothing and you will proceed unimpeded - as you learn the game's central mechanics. On the far right is the camera panel, conveniently wall-mounted, which serves its purpose showing the entirety of the building. This time, the building is designed to be deliberately linear, as it's supposed to be an attraction and your role as "security guard" is really just to be a part of the show. From the camera panel, you can also seal off one air vent at a time, which becomes very important as tactics go for reasons I'll discuss in a moment. On the far left is a maintenance tablet. Because the tech and wiring in this attraction are the real McCoy, they are not reliable and the audio, video, and ventilation systems will crash more frequently than Windows Vista. The crashes prevent use of certain systems, such as the ability to play sound clips in each room from time to time, to see, or to, y'know, breathe. That last one in particular is a big deal because if the vents go offline you begin to see some seriously bizarre stuff, like, oh, the enraged, haunting spirits of angry animatronic animals. No big deal, right?

When night two gets underway, the real challenge comes into play: the game's one and only true animatronic named Springtrap. This large, angry off-yellow corpselike rabbit starts on the opposite side of the building and uses any means necessary to hunt you down and send you to an early retirement because, if this series has taught us anything at all, animatronics are the embodiment of all evil. By using the audio cues from the cameras, it's possible to distract Springtrap and send him away from you, coupled with the ability to seal one vent at a time helps mitigate the immediate threat he poses to the player. This completely changes the makeup of how the flow of the game happens: your fight is one-on-one and the only thing that can end your game is Springtrap. This also makes the game easier than its past incarnations since the player has less to fear from random chance (like in the first game) or simply being overwhelmed by sheer numbers (like in the second).

This also lead to a particular exploit that, once I discovered it, trivialized the game experience. As soon as each night kicked off, I would seal the vent connected to the room on Camera 9. I'd then deliberately call Springtrap to Cam 9 from his starting position at Cam 10. Then I'd simply drop the camera tab, restart the system that I had not rebooted in the last two cycles, then returned to the cameras and played an audio cue at Cam 8 or Cam 9, depending on if my enemy had left his spot in Cam 9 yet. This gives me a comfortable two-room buffer in every direction to stop Springtrap from ever lining up a fatal position with me and ensured I'd never have anything go offline. I dubbed this little dance we'd perform each night the 8-9 Shuffle. Assuming I was vigilant for the Phantom Animatronics who occasionally pop up and shut off the vent systems, I was untouchable.

In terms of its presentation, FNAF3 is up and away the best game of the series. Springtrap is genuinely terrifying and unnerving despite being easier to handle than the brightly-colored Toy Animatronics from the second game or the original, lumbering characters from the first. Making it a horror attraction gave the series creator, Scott Cawthon, free reign to make the place far more atmospheric than past installments, by using the broken husks of the characters of jumpscares past as decorations around the establishment. Even though Springtrap mostly moves Weeping Angel-style from camera to camera, the game now features full movement and animation cycles, such as seeing the ghostly figure of a lumbering, towering Freddy Fazbear slowly limping down the hallway window in front of your room, or seeing Springtrap's unsettling, dead eyes peer out from around the corner when your luck runs out. The sound design in particular is fiercely improved from the others, which I feel is for the best as the fatal Springtrap jumpscare is actually the most subdued and least-ear splitting of any of the series' acclaimed jumpscares. The ambient noises keep tensions high despite a more controlled environment, and keeping in mind one man handled all these things himself really shows how Mr. Cawthon really took fan feedback to heart in its base implementations.

And - I am trying so hard to avoid spoilers - for those who were captivated by the game's dark and macabre storyline will be pleased to learn the Atari-like minigames from FNAF2 return in much more fleshed-out incarnations. The story gets some real closure in this installment, but there's actually multiple, slightly-differing endings depending on just how observant you are in your time here in the halls of Fazbear's Fright. Enough said, really.

Did I like Five Nights at Not-Freddy's 3? I absolutely did. I loved the dark atmosphere and the more direct gameplay experience, even if I did find it easier to crack than the aggressive defense I had to mount in installments past. I loved it a lot and for the extremely-reasonable $7.99 asking price on Steam, there's no reason fans of the series should not already own a copy and be seeking the answers for themselves. People with weak hearts or who are just bad with jumpscares in general may want to remain a safe distance away, just in case. We here at Fazbear Entertainment wouldn't want anything unfortunate to happen to any of you, now would we?

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Game Reviews: Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate

I was late for this train. I didn't get the chance to play a Monster Hunter game until the Wii U port of Monster Hunter 3 despite the fact that the franchise has been kicking around for a long time now. The idea behind the games is simple: you are a hunter and there are dinosaurs coexisting in this world alongside of you, so therefore, you need to kill them all and then make fashionable belts out of their brethren.

For those who aren't familiar with the series, Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate is an action game with some RPG elements, but as this game does not feature a leveling up mechanic where your character grows stronger by way of accumulated experience points, I hesitate to use that as a part of its proper classification. At its core, it's definitely an action game, and the big draw to which involves battles against colossal monsters. You, as the player, want to hunt down these huge beasts and kill them, collect from their bodies what you need to make progressively better weapons and armor with which you can then battle even tougher monsters still. Your upgrades are determined solely by what you want to create and are issued to you solely by virtue of your own determination. You earn every upgrade and with each, you feel a tangible change in the damage you're dealing or taking. The process of collecting materials and building is addicting and I soon found myself always on the lookout for what ingredient would be my next step forward - not because it was mandated but because I looked at what upgrades were available and made each next one my goal.

The game offers you some basic armor and one of around 15 different weapon choices, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. The game is also kind to newcomers in that the tutorial serves as a bit better fleshed-out, my sole gripe being that the weapon tutorial quests don't become unlocked until you're done with the level one, gathering quests. This means if you've never played before, you are left kind of hanging out to dry for the first hour or so of the game before you get in-detailed reports on how each weapon actually works. The game really does subtly encourage you to play each weapon type and figure things out for yourself. Coupled with a starting cache of items and a quick tutorial on item mixing, the game is probably the best introduction to the series for newcomers.

One of the things I applaud the Monster Hunter series for is its minimalist soundtrack design. Cheerful music plays in the background of populated cities and camps, but when you're out on the field, it becomes weirdly quiet up until your enormous target arrives, prompting a transition from ambient noises to a dramatic score signify that a fight for survival has begun. The sound effects are dramatic and explosive, setting the mood perfectly for the hunt - it, coupled with recoil or other means of feedback, give a visceral, powerful indication of damage, both to the human hunter and to its monstrous prey.

The gameplay is paced exceedingly well. You start each mission with preparations and a small cache of freebie items to get you going. The game gives you ample time to set up and make ready for what you're about to do next. Once the target is in sight, however, the game becomes a furious battle for survival, including a new dynamic movement system, letting you scale most walls, leap atop, topple or even mount giant monsters to deal additional damage by leaping on their vulnerable backs and beating on them as they attempt to shake you off ALA Shadow of the Colossus. The use of traps, explosives, and new weapon combos keep each encounter fresh and exciting as you can work out new strategies you can use to topple formidable foes that you wouldn't otherwise be able to go toe-to-toe with. And the game succeeds most of all in making it feel like a hunt: monsters nest or hunt for their own prey around the areas wildly, meaning that you don't always encounter them in the exact same place or same way. When injured, monsters can have have their tails cut off, their horns broken, or fly into rage where they will temporarily ignore their fatigue and attack more fiercely. This can also lead to the monster attempting to flee from you to seek shelter and a place to rest and recover their health and stamina, which is not only a clever idea to show off their survival instinct, but also a chance for you to take a breather before launching a new attack. Do you go in swinging or do you set up an elaborate ruse? Those are just a few basic options you'll have when you try to beat a large monster.

I love everything about this game, but if I were to find a gripe with it, it's that while upgrades do freely tell you precisely what they'll require and cost, they fail to tell you what monster drops what items. Some kind of in-game way to denote that kind of thing would be a more than welcomed addition to the proceedings. However, with the advent of the internet, that's become a lot less of an issue and with a game as fun and exciting as this - especially with improved online modes - there's no reason not to pick this up for your 3DS.

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Game Reviews: 100% Orange Juice

100% Orange Juice is a game currently available on Steam. Far as I can rightfully tell, the game is a massive crossover event of the game company, Orange Juice, and localized by team Fruit Bat. They certainly cannot be faulted for thematic consistency, I'll give them that. This game appears to be the company's "Super Smash Bros.", being a chance to throw every main character of their different games together into one basket at the same time, but rather than as a party fighter, it's a board game.

From a audio/visual standpoint, the game appears quite good. It's bright and vivid and colorful, giving an anime-esque presentation, which is a nice contrast to the over-saturated brown-n-bloom market of games today. The characters look (more or less) distinct, and the boards are all nice and eye-catching. The music is really good too, and I found myself enjoying the soundtrack in particular as one of the game's high points.

Mechanically, the way the game works is you pick a character, each of which is rated in four stats: Health, Attack, Defense, and Dodge. More on this in a moment. Four players (and always four players) select cards from their respective reserves and form decks, which are then shuffled together and randomly distributed to the players. This means that, as said, there's an element of randomness since the cards may be ones you picked, or ones rivals picked. The four players are dropped onto the board and take turns rolling a pair of dice and moving around the board, trying to clear objectives called Norma (because reasons). The norma are cleared under one of two conditions: collecting stars (gained on certain spaces, battle spaces, or card effects) or winning a set number of fights. Once a norma has been achieved, you then must get back to one of the four player spaces on the board to cash it in - whereupon you level up. Level up all the way and you win.

And this is where the problems start cropping up. You know how in most board games, there's traditionally some kind of theme or motif to give it a distinct feeling? 100% Orange Juice has precisely none of that. Every single board is basically interchangeable for any other, having no thematic elements whatsoever, being comprised of precisely the same sorts of spaces: the player bases, the +/- star spaces, draw card spaces, warp panels, and battle spaces. It's true that these elements are laid out in different ways, but none of them stand out from the others in any meaningful way, it's just more of the same. The closest thing to a "theme" I witnessed was one aggressively annoying map which was split over two islands with warp panels (which behave randomly) being the only bridge across. That isn't clever design, it's just lazy, but that kind of philosophy is what powers the gameplay experience from top down.

You pick your character and cards, but the cards are distributed randomly throughout the game. You move randomly across any given map, gain or lose stars randomly, and engage in combat segments which are decided randomly. The computer may or may not randomly cheat (a feature, not a bug) to win any given scenario. When you lose all your HP, decided randomly in combat again, you can randomly revive to rejoin the game. Everything is random. I have never had gameplay that made me feel so utterly detached from the experience. The entirety of what I was doing was rolling dice, by clicking one button over and over and over again. This is not a board game; this is Random Number Generator Simulator. At least in a dice-based game like Yahtzee, I feel like I have some control of the situation. I seriously had more to do in Final Fantasy 13 than here.

Speaking of, let's discuss the combat mechanic a bit. If you land on a battle space or cross paths with an idling opponent, you have the option to fight them, which is where those aforementioned stats come into play. There's just one problem that needs to be addressed: the dominant strategy. Remember the stats I named: HP, Attack, Defense, and Dodge? That all seems pretty self-explanatory, right? Except it isn't. When you engage in combat, the person who initiated takes priority and rolls one die for attack. The target chooses to defend or dodge in response and rolls one die accordingly. However, defense as an option is objectively the worse option as 100% Orange Juice is the one time in any game I've ever played where in the result of a tie, defense actually loses and still suffers 1 damage. Hell, in the event of the defense actually winning the engagement, the defense still loses and takes a hit! Couple this with the fact that high defense characters take hits in other vital stats like Health or Attack, and you will suffer for trying to run it as your primary defensive category. Dodging is always the better choice and I know this because I opted to main the character, Mark, who lost every time I played the computer because, as said, the computer cheats and I lost against human players because defense sucks.

There is no redeeming merit to this game. Even at its fastest gameplay speed, the game is a tedious, slow-paced slog hoping your Random Number Generator beats the other Random Number Generators. The cards attempt to add some layer of strategy, but since they're random and are either character-specific, very context-sensitive or, mother of all shockers, random, they don't. The boards are bland and uninteresting and lacking the zany minigames in Mario Party and the fine-tuning and understanding of board game design of military games like Risk, this game is a colossal disappointment, wrapped up in a saccharine and colorful aesthetic. It looks good, it sounds great, but despite my wanting to like the gameplay, I simply did not. I cannot recommend it, because despite being a bad game, it is not even shocking or startlingly bad - it is merely boring and forgettable. This is the gaming equivalent of a pizza roll that comes out of the oven still frozen: it seems to have all the elements for greatness in its presentation and what it promises to be, but the most important element fails at the worst time and, like that pizza roll, deserves to be thrown down a garbage disposal with great zeal for the offense.

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Product Reviews: Keurig K300 Series

I confess I am not the biggest coffee drinker on Earth. There are those who depend on the caffeine injection far more than I, or simply enjoy the taste on a much more regular basis. But, on occasion, I do love a simple, easy-to-brew cup of joe or even the hot chocolate pods which make for convenient cold weather beverages. The problem was simple: my old Keurig unit was a tiny K10 series unit which had an awkward reservoir problem due to a slight angle in my shelf which caused water to leak. Also, the K10 series was known for a fault that, upon brewing more than one cup in a row, caused it to spew scalding water on anyone nearby. That was a bit too hardcore for my liking and thus decided an upgrade was the simpler answer.

One major upside was the fact that the K300 is now considered an older unit - many retailers have them on clearance for under $100 USD which is pretty nice - now that the nigh-identical K400 has gone to market. The side-mounted water reserve is much more stable on uneven surfaces, the touch screen makes for a much simple user interface without necessity of knobs or dials and now even includes a feature for my aforementioned hot chocolate options. All major pluses over my previous, tiny, leaking unit.

So imagine my surprised expression when I popped in a K-Cup from my old collection and the machine's touchscreen gave me "OOPS!" and a web link. Wait. What? Huh? What in the world happened?! Is my unit broken?

Nope. Joke's on me! I should've done my homework before I committed to this relationship. They actually created a coffee brewer with piracy prevention. An honest-to-goodness K-Cup brewer with built in DRM. I am simply floored. When I checked the weblink they offered on the error screen, I was left stunned. What do I even say to that? The jokes should write themselves, but I was just too shocked at the very concept that "coffee piracy" was such a high priority that all 3rd party K-Cups would be verboten henceforth.

Not that the copy protection is exactly done well. With some scissors and scotch tape I rectified that issue by cutting the silver ring off the top of a "legal" K-Cup and taped it over the sensor eye on the unit and now it accepts whatever I tell it to accept. But therein lies the rub: just as printer manufacturers do everything they can to sell printers cheap and ink high and block all attempts at installing 3rd-party cartridges, Keurig just tried to scam me into buying first-party proprietary K-Cups that they could then control the market on with impunity. On that merit (or lack thereof) alone, I cannot recommend this coffee brewer.

Sure, it brews quickly, heats up swiftly, and has a pleasant GUI for its touchscreen. However, these features do not magically change the fact that, except for a creative reworking of the system, I would've been barred from using a large portion of my K-Cup backlog!

I don't know if later iterations of the machine series do this, but based on Keurig's defensive, reactionary response to the outcry from others like me, it's pretty clear that they do. If your old unit is still chugging out the black gold without any signs of slowdown, keep it. This is one battle we can win by boycotting inferior units that try to created monopolized coffee pods. And for those with K10 units? The repair kits are free, so get to fixing them and let's raise our glasses to freedom from price controls.

Do not buy this or other such products that prevent proper, free competition!

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Movie Reviews: Annie (2014)

For most, comparisons with the 1982 musical, based on a 1977 stage show, based on a 1930's radio show, based on the 1924 comic strip, which derives its name from a 1885 poem (my goodness, what a heritage for an orphan!), are inevitable. I don't have that problem as I saw the original musical when I was in elementary school and even then knew the piece was dated and hokey when it was new. I'm not even certain why I went to see the new one, remembering as little about the first as I did, but I did.

I was not expecting to be so pleasantly surprised with the whole ordeal. The heroine, Annie (played by Quvenzhane Wallis), starts off as one of several foster kids in the home of the verbally abusive Hannigan (Cameron Diaz), who tries to seek out her parents with an ever-optimistic attitude. While she may not have many acting credits just yet, Wallis pulls off her role with an astounding kinetic energy, constantly moving across the sets (more on those in a moment) and just being a joy to watch. She hits high notes like Mariah Carey and delivers wit and charm in every line - major props to the writing staff for making her a fun and almost Tony Stark-like character without making her grating.

The story really gets underway, though, when one Will Stacks (played excellently bye Jamie Foxx, who I cannot say enough good things about his performance in this piece) saves Annie from being hit by a car. As it turns out, Stacks is a cell phone company CEO looking to break into politics in the race for mayor of New York City and, his advisers spotting an opportunity, takes Annie in as his ward. Hijinks ensue, as they say, say, as the heartwarming transformation from cold, germophobic and stand-offish jerk Will Stacks grows accustomed to Annie's bubbly personality and the two grow closer over the film's duration.

One of the things I like most about the way the musical movie takes its direction is that, at the start, most of the music that accompanies the song cues are created organically (like in the well-known "Hard Knock Life" cue, the beat is generated by the foster girls stomping their feet and moving their cleaning utensils about the apartment). It gives the transition into later songs a more gradual evolution. The sound design was definitely done by a team that understood how musicals need to flow, but the sets and staging were done with a dynamic camera in mind that isn't bound to a mere stage. Some song cues cover the entirety of a city, whereas others take place in just one room, and everything in between. My personal favorite numbers were Annie's "I Think I'm Going to Like it Here" and her duet with Stacks, "The City's Yours". Honestly, I was disappointed that Jamie Foxx only got to take a part in just two or three songs - the man's got pipes. And a late-show symphonic medley that cues during the film's climax had my tingling with excitement for its runtime. The two hour run time may seem excessive for what amounts to a simple story, but that's just it - it's all used well. I genuinely liked the characters and I really wanted to see Stacks adopt Annie; I took a personal interest in the characters and their plight.

If I were to find fault in the film, it's that the first act does drag a little long and the inclusion of one Mrs. Kovacevic (yes, seriously, and played by Stephanie Kurtzuba) for way, way too long into the film as unnecessary comedic relief - in a film that's already a family comedy. I see what they were trying to do, but it felt kind of uncomfortable and prolonged beyond what was needed as the film's second act is a far more memorable and moving piece of the film. But, honestly, those faults are easily forgiven by what amounts to an astounding climax that ends up big on suspense and even a few thrills without ever compromising suspension of disbelief.

One of the more interesting elements of the film is the inclusion of modern social media - Annie ends up buried in the stuff before the second act's halfway done. However, unlike a lot of the film's contemporaries, the use and impact of the media reflects its more positive attributes and ends up being a means by which the good guys come out on top in the end. Seeing the technology being shown as a force for potential good was a really nice change in pace and maybe even a mirror to our own view on society and other people. Furthermore, a rather "late to the party" parody, in the form of a movie-within-the-movie left me in stitches for its duration. It must be seen to be believed.

The film is flooded with character and charm, with a knock out script, some amazingly catchy musical numbers and high-energy entertainment. It's a wonderful piece, it's greatest downside being how dated its own source material is, and how many will cling to it out of nostalgia as opposed to giving the film a fair shake on its own merit. And, honestly, that's really too bad. Annie of 2014 was a wonderful film and I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys comedies, musicals, or, better yet, both.

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Movie Reviews: The Muppets

“It’s time to play the music/it’s time to light the lights/it’s time to meet the Muppets/on the Muppet Show tonight!” I can’t count the number of time that unendingly catchy theme tune came out of my television speakers when I was young. In fact, thanks to the advent of DVD box sets, it happens with increasing frequency as I get older. The Muppet Show was a cultural phenomenon, taking two then-dated concepts (rod puppets and sketch comedy variety shows) and combined them into a sensational, colorful mind-blowing comedy enjoyed by kids and adults alike, starring the likes of the humble and meek Kermit the Frog, the world’s most famous bear, Fozzie, the… uh… The Great Gonzo, whatever he may be, and (naturally) the best-known diva of all time, the beloved Miss Piggy.

Following Jim Henson’s death, Frank Oz’s retirement from acting and Disney’s acquisition of The Muppet license, many fans were skeptical to hear of the new team working on the new feature simply entitled The Muppets. However, the team took the marketing and ran with it in a brilliant way, releasing dozens of teaser trailers (which were usually “all-in-good-fun” parodies of other movies, like Green Lantern or the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) and even a full Muppet rendition of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. The movie debuted Thanksgiving 2011, so, what did I, a skeptical movie critic think?

I think there’s a darn good reason it’s the #1 rated movie of 2011! The charm, the wit, the rapid-fire fourth wall gags are all present in this astoundingly fantastic romp through the world of The Muppets. The story follows a new Muppet (or maybe he’s not a Muppet? The movie’s a little ambiguous about what it IS to be a Muppet but I digress) named Walter and his (human) brother, Gary (portrayed by Jason Segel) growing up as fans of the Muppets. As adults, Walter, Gary and Gary’s girlfriend, Mary (played by Amy Adams) take a special trip to Los Angeles for the happy couple’s 10th anniversary and to visit the old Muppet Studio.

To make a long story short (too late, right?) Walter ends up overhearing oil tycoon, Tex Richman (played by Chris Cooper, who chews the scenery nearly enough to qualify as a Muppet by de facto) and his cohorts’ plan to turn the studio and theater into an oil field, demolishing the Muppets’ history (this is played completely for laughs, of course). Throughout the events that ensue, Walter meets Kermit the Frog and the four decide the only option is a legal point in the contract, that if the Muppets raise 10 million dollars, they could buy back their studio and theater. The only choice is clear: they have to get the gang back together and put on The Muppet Show one more time.

The hour-and-a-half (plus change) feature flies by with fast-paced comedy, heart-tugging drama, a solid soundtrack (though, admittedly, some of the songs are non-sequitur, it doesn’t stop them from being enjoyable) and really memorable moments, which fly by in no time at all. It really felt like a feature-length episode of The Muppet Show of yesteryear, complete with both new talent (Kermit here is voiced by Steve Whitmire, the student of Henson himself whereas Fozzie and Piggy are portrayed here by Eric Jacobson) and some returning voices (Gonzo’s original voice, Dave Goelz, returns to play the part in this film as well). The cast is star-studded, ranging from Muppet vets like Whoopi Goldberg to more recent names like Jack Black, who features prominently in the film’s climax.

For those more concerned about the movie being “family friendly” without being intellectually degrading like most “family” films are, have no fear. The Muppets is a family-friendly romp with jokes both kids and adults will appreciate. It has its own special sense of continuity, opening jokes for old fans and newcomers alike (though I must say if you weren’t already a Muppets convert, this isn’t the one that’ll make you see the light) and the songs are not only clean, they’re addictive and catchy (sans one very unusual instance involving chickens incoherently “singing” what I can only refer to as a nonsense iteration of “Cluck You”). The themes of family, friendship and love run through and through this masterfully-designed bit of cinematography, striking a powerful and moving chord. If this movie doesn’t make you cry or laugh during its runtime, check in with a doctor and make sure you’re not part of SkyNet.

All-in-all, The Muppets is easily the best film of the series since the original theatrical release. It’s touching, it’s beautiful, it’s fun, it’s hilarious, it’s wonderful. Go see it as soon as you can – it’s worth it especially with the gag reels and extra features found on the DVDs. You won’t be disappointed.

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Game Reviews: Akane the Kunoichi & Amazing Princess Sarah

I don't normally make it a point to do two-fer reviews, usually preferring to discuss each thing on its own individual merits, but these two games are similar enough to make a fun compare-contrast. Both games are the product of Haruneko Entertainment, an Italian indie dev team despite its Japanese namesake, and are available on the Steam network, Microsoft 360, and iPhone/iOS platforms.

Both Akane and Sarah share a lot of things in common, most notably being the story: our female protagonists are in otherwise-content life up until a male dear to them (Akane's samurai master, Goro and Sarah's father, the King, simply called The King) by a female rival (Hiromi, a rival kunoichi in the former, and Lilith, Queen of Demons in the latter). Seeing a gender-reversal in the damsel in distress storyline is pretty refreshing, but I'm not in any hurry to declare the games all that progressive due to a heavy reliance on what we commonly call fanservice. For those who may not know, that means barely-covered breasts. But even still, it must be said that having the strong male with black hair being the one in distress as opposed to doing the rescuing is still pretty novel in its own right.

Akane the Kunoichi's gameplay revolves around sets of short levels battling against a few different types of rival ninjas by throwing kunai (small knives) and by scaling walls. This gameplay style reminds me of MegaMan X, but not as responsive. The simple act of shooting causes Akane to lose all momentum, plant her feet, and throw her bladed weapons before resuming movement - yet oddly enough you can jump and fire away freely without losing your inertia. Furthermore, climbing the walls feels quite a bit more stiff than it needs to be, with Akane locking herself to the wall and slowly sliding down it (unless you press down, which hastens her descent) and to kick off it you must press the direction away from the wall, which puts her in kind of a "reversed" mode and then pressing the button, which sends her careening full-throttle away from the wall. If you need to quickly ascend by leaping wall to wall, this works decently enough, but for most basic wall maneuvers, this entire process feels way less responsive than it ought to be, especially when I do NOT want to leap away from the wall, but up it. Most of the time, it's just kind of annoying, due to the fact that not pressing the direction away from the wall and trying to fire causes her to throw her knives directly into the wall - which is obviously never going to be useful. However, in the game's defense, the levels are built around these concepts, meaning there's a lot of vertical and horizontal movement that these options let you traverse - I must admit, I really felt quite ninja-like hauling up and down the walls and striking at enemies' backs. The downside is that sometimes, the design of the levels ends up baffling, and exploration (which is normally encouraged, due to best ending of the game being tied to three "lovely kimonos" which are hidden in each level) is sometimes punished. I only wanted to go down and see what was down a pit, checking for hidden nooks and crannies, only to realize I was too far gone, fell down an instant-death hole and had to restart. The levels are short, yes, but that's still frustrating and of a questionable design for this kind of gameplay. If there was some more immediate indication of danger, such as spikes or lava, I'd have gotten the point right away.

The bosses are where Akane gets clever, a good example being the first boss in the game - a jumping ogre monster who chases you for a sequence prior to the fight proper. This shows off some really intuitive design by making the path breakable by both you and the boss, so you can tackle the oncoming obstacles in whatever style suits you - either by breaking through or climbing over the boss and letting him open the way for you with a little creativity. Even though the bosses in this game tend to err on the easy side of the spectrum, I still found them immensely satisfying experiences - it really feels good to come out on top and beating these monsters down.

Aesthetically, Akane looks okay, if a little generic. You could honestly substitute any set of characters from any ninja/samurai flick and you'd be hard pressed to tell a difference. There's little in the way of idle animation too, which kind of leaves the cast a little personality-deprived, and there simply aren't many cannon fodder enemy types. The only ones I really learned to look out for were orange ninjas who returned fire when you shot at them. And the "lucky cat" pots which serve as breakable obstacles and item holders are everywhere - seriously, they got way carried away with these things and they all make the same high-pitched breaking sound when they get smashed. That gets old really quick in a game that already has some limited sound assets. The music is decent, but extremely forgettable. You won't be humming it later in even the next level, let alone later that day.

But for what it is, Akane the Kunoichi is pretty charming, if lacking in replayability and sound and level design. However, you can purchase the game on Steam for just $2.99 USD and for as much fun as I had with it, that's a pretty good value. Just don't come crying to me if women with large, uncovered bosoms offends your sensibilities.

Amazing Princess Sarah, on the other hand, is the newest game by Haruneko and debatably the superior game. There's a lot of different reasons for that, but the major sticking point is in the game engine:

Sarah doesn't have a projectile by default, she just has a really short-ranged and underwhelming sword strike she can do to knock out enemies. She does level up as you kill monsters and play the game but the sword never becomes a staple of your combat roster, merely being the resort you default to when all else is expended. Rather, Sarah, amazing princess she is, can lift felled enemies and background objects like chairs, tables, or large rocks and hurl them at subsequently larger foes to deal real killing blows. This is where the game really shines, I'd argue, in that lifting and throwing enemies is not only extremely cathartic, but each enemy has different mass, thus doing different direct damage when thrown, but also have different arcs when thrown, and secondary effects. For example, large, fat demon enemies cannot be thrown far but do insane damage on impact, or the fire demoness who, when thrown, bursts into fires which trail in both directions along the floor, damaging enemies nearby. This can lead to insane combos and domino effects to clear out numerous enemies in one go, if you line it up correctly. The creative use of environmental items to defeat weak enemies, then using the weak enemies as weapons for sequentially stronger monsters gives a sense of progression in each rumble, forcing you to strategize and manage resources on the fly, in what is already a very frantic, fast-paced game. The engine of the game is where the it shines brightest, but here's the asterisk I am unfortunately forced to place next to that: the level design ranges from mediocre to poor. Rather than breaking it up into sets of smaller levels, and forcing you to restart said smaller levels when you die like Akane the Kunoichi did, Amazing Princess Sarah only has five main levels, each of which is absolutely enormous and sprawling, broken up by check point statues you encounter as you proceed. I hate saying it but they all have fundamentally the same shape: a spiral. It's a spiral either from the center, going outward, or from the outside, spiraling inward, once you get a good view of the entire map. There's also one enormous, obligatory straight down drop per map as a result of this, which feels like wasted potential. Sometimes the rooms feel very slapdash, like not much thought was put into them and the team was just trying to see what stuck. In one case in level 2, the Ice Castle, there's an entire segment you drop into composed of platforms that vanish after being stood on for a moment and you have an enormous, repeated leap of faith from there to the next checkpoint. That's not clever! That's really frustrating and dumb! Furthermore, it feels like not much went into the thought and design of the themes either. In the first level, which is Sarah's castle, you find the same generic chairs and grandfather clocks throughout - it'd add a lot more if each section of the stage was, for example, another room. Maybe one room could have bedroom furniture, and the next, a dining room set. The background objects are not varied enough to give the proper impression of progression that it ought to put off and I feel that was kind of a missed chance, if not a little nitpicky on my part. Another thing is the dungeons have nothing in the way of thematic elements - the normal castle, fire castle, and ice castle for example, at no point have differing challenges. The obstacles found in one castle will be found, merely reskinned, in the next with almost no variation in their execution. Why not add, say, jumping fireballs that hurt you in the flame castle, or maybe snowballs which temporarily freeze you in the ice level? Don't be afraid to spice up the gameplay is the lesson here.

The bosses in Amazing Princess Sarah, I'd argue, are harder and more memorable but often times not for good reason on both. One that springs immediately to mind is a mid-late game boss fight against twin golems, who take turns punching the ground to summon zombies, drop spikes from the ceiling, or step forward to crush you. However, due to their size and awkward hitboxes, I died over 20 times simply learning where I could and couldn't stand in the fight. There was nothing conveyed to the player about where they were and weren't safe and that's not good boss design. On the whole, however, you have unlimited lives from the checkpoint statues, so learning boss patterns is not what will hold most people up given most circumstances and - to be 100% fair - the bosses are really big, exciting and unique. My favorite was the second world boss, which is a straight vertical climb with a massive spider monster crawling up the screen from below. When I first saw that, I physically jumped a little! That one was an excellently-designed boss fight.

In terms of presentation, Amazing Princess Sarah is definitely the superior entry. The music is a litany of earworms and the sprites are bright and colorful (and bouncy, if you get my drift). Everything seems much more varied and alive this time around, it makes everything much more distinct. Lacking a wall-scaling move like its predecessor, it also feels like Sarah controls a bit more logically too, which is to the game's benefit as well. Unlike Akane the Kunoichi, Amazing Princess Sarah has multiple New Game+ modes, which have you undergo new trials and obstacles in each subsequent playthrough, which I found to be a lot of fun.

Despite my complaints levied against them, I enjoyed both games, and Amazing Princess Sarah only cost $4.99 USD, so the asking price is not unreasonable - you can get both for under $10, and for as much fun as I ended up having, I dare say I recommend both. They're inexpensive, simple, engaging action-platformers that you can just pick up and play and, despite their shortcomings, they end up quite entertaining. If I could suggest something to the dev team: consider looking into opening the game up to something like the Steam Workshop, where fans can create their own original levels and obstacles. As fun as these games are, and as creative as the engines are on each, I think we could see some amazing fan-created content from that sort of opportunity.

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Movie Reviews: How to Train Your Dragon

How to Train Your Dragon is a 2010 CGI animated film, released by DreamWorks Entertainment. This review was written when the film was new, and due to scheduling conflicts shall substitute this Tuesday's article.

The movie starts with narration from our protagonist, Hiccup – voiced by Jay Baruchel – named because, as he quickly explains, having a fierce Viking name will help scare off goblins and ogres. However, he exposits, it’s not the goblins and lesser imps his village needs to worry itself over, but dragons. The village is routinely burned down and the sheep and other livestock stolen away by the flying, reptilian fiends, who have been at war with the Viking clan for seven generations. Hiccup, a lanky young boy, wishing to prove himself a man to his father and people, continuously attempts to help in the battle against the dragons but typically winds up doing more harm than good, in traditional kids-film fashion.

However, during one particular raid, he inadvertently takes a dragon down with a strange device he had made, based on the design of a crossbow. The dragon he hits happens to be a rare breed – the Night Fury – which no Viking has ever previously encountered and lived to tell the tale. He tracks down its location after no one believes he managed the shot and finds it, helpless and scared, bound by the ropes and weights of the device. For reasons he only admits later, he lets the dragon go free. Later, he finds it trapped in a valley, unable to fly out and begins to study the creature and, in so doing, befriends the creature thought to be man’s mortal enemy.

The movie is incredibly cinematic. Sometimes I forgot I was watching a CGI movie, particularly in the flying or horizon shots. The water was ridiculously detailed, and the stylized design of the characters really lent itself to the aesthetic’s credit. That’s saying something too, as I went to a theater that’s over 20 years old and doesn’t even have stadium seating, let alone 3D capability. The soundtrack was masterfully scored, though I must admit I know next to nothing about music. It was good, and I liked it. ‘Nuff said, right?

The script was really written exceedingly well and Hiccup’s dry, sardonic delivery added a lot of humor into what was already a well-written movie. The other actors are good too, but they don’t get the same screen time that Hiccup does. Astrid (voiced by America Ferrera), for instance, becomes a major player from the second act on, but I really felt like she could’ve been around more and developed a bit better. I can’t shake the feeling that a lot of footage was cut to maintain the hour-forty mark, because it felt like an otherwise fantastic movie easily could’ve had another 20 minutes and been even better, and it’s not frequently that I say that. As a result, Hiccup is really the only character we see change and develop over time, though the movie does a great job with what it has, even if some of the supporting cast could’ve really done more.

The flying scenes and action/fight scenes were really some of the very best PG-rated action/fight scenes I had ever seen. They were clever, detailed, and really had a lot going on at once, especially at the movie’s climax. I didn’t even see the movie in 3D, like I said, and the flying scenes were breath-takingly beautiful and still managed to send shivers down my spine with the acrobatics and fantastic choreography.

Now, I know a lot of criticism towards the movie is aimed solely at the dragon physics. I’m going to pretty much address them in “Think. Harder. Critics.” It makes sense if you actually consider what makes dragons fly and breathe fire. Beyond that, I see no reason why every member of the family won’t love this picture. I cannot recommend this one highly enough and it’s sure to be a great ride for everyone. Check it out.

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Book Review: Alara Unbroken by Doug Beyer

Today’s subject actually requires a little explanation due to its context so I hope you’ll bare with me as I fill you in on some background information. Magic: The Gathering was the first and one of the most popular trading card games in the world and really was the franchise that launched the concept of the TCG to begin with. Hey, wait! Where’re you going? Sit down, this is culture!

There. As I was saying, the game of Magic is all about – imagine this – magic. The card game is played with two people or more assuming the roles of “Planeswalkers”, people with the capacity to move between the worlds that make up the game’s multiverse. These wizards are the world’s foremost protagonists and antagonists and call about each world’s energy – called mana – which is invoked through five different terrains and, in kind, represent five different concepts. Yes, this is important to the story.

White mana is embodied in plains, fields and the like and represent ideas such as healing, aiding others and angels. Black mana comes from swamps and marshes and is selfish with a “win-at-all-costs” mentality and summons monsters like rats and zombies. Blue stems from islands and is about mentality, control and self-discipline and is bonded to aquatic creatures. Red hails from mountains and is all about fire, earth and is best embodied by dragons. Finally, green mana is from forests and symbolizes life, growth and strength.

The plane of Alara, as we learn in this tale, used to be one world hundreds, if not thousands, of years ago but it was suddenly broken apart into five different worlds, each one representing two colors of mana, thus reshaping the worlds in those ways. Told you it was vital. Anyways, this is where the book can get a bit complex in that the action takes place in completely different worlds and features numerous different characters from each. While this is handled exceedingly well and the scenery shifts are well-marked, if you end up liking one character or the other, you probably won’t get the chance to see much of them in one burst.

The story predominantly revolves around Ajani Goldmane, of the tribe called the Nactl, a species of humanoid cat-people, from the plane Naya. His life is suddenly turned upside-down one night as a mysterious army of shadowy monsters invades his pride’s home and his brother is murdered. His latent abilities as a planeswalker are awakened and Ajani begins his quest through the worlds in order to hunt down his brother’s murderer.

Other major characters include the massive, black dragon, Nicol Bolas from the dark, dead world of Grixis. Behind the scenes, this massively powerful planeswalker orchestrates and pulls the strings as the five worlds gradually pull towards one another, hoping to take advantage of strange, massive obelisks that channel their world’s mana through them. What he exactly hopes to achieve is his own dark secret.

Sarkhan Vol is a power-mad planeswalker from the red-hot world of Jund, determined to find a dragon worthy of his military expertise. Along his way he meets Rakka, a mysterious woman with a strange agenda and – honestly – doesn’t appear in the story much. In the noble plane of Bant is Rafiq, a just and proud knight who always fights with honor (and was your humble literature section editor’s personal favorite character) alongside Elspeth the rather-forgettable rookie knight and Hazid, the devious merchant-thief.

The story plays like a fast-paced high fantasy action-adventure should. There’s rarely a lull in the action and the cast is always on the move for the next part of their goals. However, this presents some issues themselves. When I first started the book, I was very, very new to the world of Magic and thus didn’t recognize any of the characters, places or things they were talking about. To the book’s credit, it does a great job keeping the reader informed about the world’s terminology and keeps the language simple enough to be understood but elegant enough to do justice to the epic feel of the world.

Another downside is that while Alara is in five shards, the book only focuses on three of them (Naya, Jund and Bant) until the third act and even then the remaining two (Grixis and Esper) are still mostly just footnotes until the finale. By extension, only a few characters really get time in the spotlight. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing – I happen to like Ajani a lot – it’s just that when you get attached to a character only to have them ignored for a few dozen pages is kind of disappointing. The story as a whole, however, is anything but and is and was a satisfying read even for someone who knows very little about the Magic metanarrative.

Alara Unbroken is actually a bit older now, the set it was based on having been released in 2008, so a lot has changed between now and then. For those who might be interested, there’s certainly no harm in continuing to delve deeper into the fascinating story even if you’re unwilling to put down any money on the actual cards. For those of you who maybe don’t find this to be your cup of tea, join me next time as I delve further still to unearth amazing new things to share with you all. Until I see you again, farewell!

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Music Reviews: Last Christmas

Let me begin this particular review with one major clarification: I am not a fan of the modern secularization of Christmas. It's not like people aren't aware of the day's Christian religious significance, it seems kind of foolish to try to wash that element out. But can I address another big problem? This holiday had maybe 30 songs to its name total - cutting out the ones that invoke religious imagery is only going to limit it further. To maybe five songs. In fact, I'm willing to bet good money the oft-quoted but statistically-dubious holiday-related suicide spike that allegedly happens this time of year is probably tied to this problem.

Last Christmas is, in my opinion (and taking into consideration I may not have heard every Christmas song ever), is the worst Christmas song ever. The fact that this song was originally written by Wham! hurts me on a deep, psychological level I may never recover from because Wham! is better than this song. Okay, not by much, but they're still better than this song. Though that isn't saying much. Let's start with the most obvious problem that to be a "song", it requires musical accompaniment and I'm not convinced this "song" has that. Every cover of this song seems to suffer from something banging the same chord over and over again with no variation. Calling the musical track tiresome is being generous. Calling it "present" is a stretch. I think my cat could be more musically creative with a laser pointer and some strategically-placed pots and pans.

And then there's the lyrics, as I'll sportingly call them. What's your favorite part of them: the fact that the song doesn't technically even rhyme, or the fact that with the addition of a single word changed it from a one-time bad breakup ballad to a yearly, holiday bad breakup ballad? Man, sure am relieved to know every talentless hack can make annual royalties with this one instead of just forgetting it existed because, y'know, this song is genuinely terrible and deserves to be purged from the face of the Earth.

The fact that this song continues to not just play (and play excessively at that, because as I've said: there's like a million versions and Heaven forbid we play something that might "offend") but that it continues to keep on charting is beyond my ability to comprehend it. It is a bad song on the technical side of things, it is a bad song in theory and execution, and it is a bad song, period. And it gets worse.

Have you stopped to listen to what the song is even saying? It has this extremely regressive and antiquated "you need to be in a romantic relationship" message to it. And as I didn't even know the original authors were men until I was researching it for this very review, I simply thought it was anti-feminist, but, no, it's actually even worse, being simply wrong-headed and a terrible message. Its secondary message seems to be that you actually can polish a turd and make something that'll turn a profit.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night - I'm taking next week off!

And before anyone asks, my favorite Christmas carol is "Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel"

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Game Reviews: Yoshi's New Island

This game was such a huge let-down. Yoshi's Island on the SNES was revolutionary for how platform games would be made from then on. It still holds up to this day as a benchmark for good game design, devilish traps, a storybook aesthetic, coupled with solid mechanics that the design team got really creative with and made a memorable, solid game out of. Yoshi's New Island, a 2014 game for the Nintendo 3DS, has none of that. The same basic ideas are there - the game looks and sounds nice - but the aesthetics don't change anything if the design and mechanics aren't there and, simply put, they aren't there. The simple act of eating enemies with Yoshi's long, elastic, stick tongue, making them into eggs, then hurling the eggs as deadly projectiles feels sluggish and bogged down, as if they deliberately slowed the overall pace of the gameplay. And that's the core element of the combat in the game! This doesn't make it easier, it just makes it frustrating and annoying. The levels are bland, there's almost no foresight put into any of them, and the vehicle sections - brief stretches of the levels wherein Yoshi transforms into a vehicle, tool, or device - are a chore, existing purely because the first Yoshi's Island game had them. But whereas the first game's vehicle sections were rare, often times optional at that, and creative, Yoshi's New Island makes them feel like they were forced in at the last moment by executive mandate into almost every stage. The bosses are not the big, cool, over-the-top battles we had in the previous titles either, they're slow, stupid and predictable. There's no challenge or intrigue. They aren't even memorable. The first such "boss" enemy is a giant bean pod that CAN'T EVEN MOVE. And that's another thing: mini-boss challenges are all boring in this game, being way underwhelming. For instance, the first one is just an uninspired battle with Kamek the Magikoopa, who you defeat by hurling eggs OVER his head, hitting a bucket, and dropping a missile onto his head a few times until he gives up. That's a pretty good summary of the game itself: it's slow, it's indirect, it's inefficient, it's not fun, and it's not challenging. Yoshi's New Island is an enormous letdown, on the heels of the amazing first SNES title and the at least halfway decent DS sequel/spin-off.

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TV Reviews: Kamen Rider Dragon Knight

Let me take a step back first to fill in those who don’t know any of the backstory. Granted almost no one in this hemisphere but me has heard of Kamen Rider before now, I’m going to assume that’s everybody. Kamen Rider is a series of superhero shows, which began in 1971, originally created by Japanese comic book artist, Shotaro Ishinomori, which became a genuine phenomenon in his home country. The setup was simple: a young man was forcibly transformed into a cyborg superhero by the Nazi-esque organization, SHOCKER, and became a force for good. Since then, some elements from the original descended down to later heroes – even those lacking the distinctive grasshopper motif of the originals. To name just a few: the “bug-eyes” on their helmets, the elaborate transformation sequences, fantastic fight choreography and the traditional finishing blow – the Rider Kick. The series are classified as children’s programming but deal with surprisingly dark issues including (but not limited to) murder, betrayal, sacrifice and self-actualization. Heavy stuff.

Dragon Knight is a 2011 adaption of Kamen Rider Ryuki, the series that aired throughout 2002. It starts with Kit Taylor, portrayed by Stephen Lunsford, is a self-doubting kid having just turned 18 and is forced to leave his foster home. Kit is also constantly landing in trouble; seemingly the whole world is out to get him. He’s even being hounded by images he sees in mirrors of his father, Frank Taylor (played by the woefully under-seen Jeff Davis) who tells him to “Seek the Dragon” and leaves him cryptic hints about what to do next. When he returns to his family’s house he finds a strange black-cased deck of cards and discovers that, with it, he can see and hear things no one else can – traces of a world behind mirrors and reflections.

Kit then meets Len – played by Matt Mullins – who is the sole survivor of a world called Ventara, the Mirror World. Len also has one of the mysterious objects Kit found, called an Advent Deck, which let him make a contract with one of Ventara’s native fauna and gain tremendous power through the transformation into a Kamen Rider – an armored hero that once fought to protect Ventara from the monsters that run rampant. Kit then discovers he is the new Dragon Knight, as he makes a similar contract with a massive red dragon monster and chooses to fight by Len’s side, regardless as to whether or not the latter cares for the alliance.

Supporting them from the sidelines include Maya Young (played by Aria Alistar) and her friend Trent (portrayed by Taylor Emerson) who, for the longest time I thought was her brother. They run a bookstore/coffee house which the riders use as a hub of operations (which is totally not a Borders book store, nope), which has been a mainstay of modern rider series for quite some time. Standing opposed to them is General Xaviax, an alien general with shape-shifting powers who is played in a masterful performance on the part of William O’Leary. What I love most about his character is that Xaviax is not some over-the-top Saturday morning cartoon show villain. He’s devious, he’s in control and everything to him is a chess game and he’s ten turns ahead. He’s more like a Satanic analog than Lord Zedd.

Speaking of Power Rangers, I know the question will come up so I’ll shoot it down now. No, this is nothing like Power Rangers. In Japan, Super Sentai (the stock footage that Power Rangers is loosely based off of) is a sister series to Kamen Rider, but tends to be more episodic and operates on a basis of a team, as opposed to Kamen Rider, which focuses on only one or two hero-characters and a longer, epic metanarrative spanning the series in its entirety. Dragon Knight is no exception. While it was toned down from Ryuki’s exceptionally violent tale (which likely was for the better, being that it bordered on excessive), the characters are very human and grow and evolve over time, including making and breaking alliances and the risk of a permanent end is very present.

Now, was there anything I disliked about the series? Well, to be honest, it starts a little slowly. There’s 13 Riders (or 14 depending on who you ask) and in the first episode you’ll only see one of them and it isn’t the titular character (it’s Len, as Wing Knight). Also, the series has three different clipshow episodes, which are okay when you’re expecting a lot of new viewers midway but sort of slows the pace of the show for the people who are already fans. But beyond that, this series didn’t get to complete its American run. It was cancelled by the network two episodes before completion and the plans for a theatrical release and DVD box set were halted by extension. This is one of a number of events that simply lead to me no longer watching TV.

Don’t think the show isn’t good or that, as adults, you wouldn’t enjoy it. Anything but. The series is an epic and it takes its viewers seriously. The problem was that it had a lot of factors working against it, however, as it was placed at the very end of the CW-4Kids lineup, right before the adult dramas started and the Sci-Fi channel hardly advertised its existence once the series got started. Anyone can – and should – give Dragon Knight a chance if for no other reason than the action. The action surpasses all other Rider series and even got an Emmy nomination for its choreography. Forget about the label of “kids” and “adults” and just enjoy the series instead. You deserve it, the series deserves it.

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Restaurant Reviews: The Melting Pot

I'm not going to lie to you; this restaurant is crazy expensive. It was excessive and, frankly, made me feel a little uncomfortable. My sister had brought a two-for-one coupon along, but when the price tag per COUPLE is tickling the soles of 100 bucks, I feel a little bit out of my element. We ordered a special because it was the cheapest route and not to mention, the most efficient, so I couldn't very well complain. The first round of drinks came out swiftly and from then on out - painfully slowly. I know that the experience is a big deal in fondue-styled restaurants but there's no excuse for me waiting 15 minutes between courses for another drink. This got tiresome quickly and most definitely will for anyone who isn't used to large amounts of salt in their cooking. On to the food. The first round was a cheese fondue and, due to the order and the way the table was set up, we had two to sample from. Unfortunately, like many places are wont to do, they used a beer base for the cheese fondue. I know this is a very commonplace thing to do with these sorts of things, but it absolutely ruined it for me. Unlike most people, I am rather sensitive to the bitter taste of alcohol, and even moreso to the awful taste that is beer. To me, this destroyed what might have been a promising first round as I am a cheese aficionado of the most zealous order, and while they offered us trays of fruits, breads, and veggies to dip, I was not impressed in the remotest. Between the poor service and the fact that someone out there was sick enough to find a way to ruin cheese, I was ready to walk out. That's when the special arrived, and things really perked up for me. The special was a massive plethora of steak, pork, shrimp, lobster tail, chicken and probably some things I've since forgotten. A well-seasoned and no-seasoning-at-all (my suggestion) oil were put on the burners and we began personally deep-frying the entrees there at the table, which was not only delicious, but fun. The waiter gave us in-depth analysis of every item, sauce, mix and doodad on the table, but by the time he was done all I could remember was that the longest cooking time was two minutes, so I used that as my base cooking time. Unfortunately, egg timers were not provided, but I winged it and it ended up being amazing. The meat was fantastic. Full stop. I was particularly fond of the pork, which I traditionally am not a huge fan of, but frying it up and pulling out piping hot fried pork balls was the highlight of the evening, and I have no shame in saying that my arteries have yet to forgive me for the experience. Surprisingly, dessert was next, and I somehow had room for it. Two different types of chocolate were placed out (I believe caramel turtle and banana's foster) and a plate of marshmallows, rice krispie treats and different assortment of fruits made for one of the most delectable desserts I'd ever gotten to sink my teeth into. The dessert was nice, fast, and cool(er) compared to a long, relaxing hot meal and really rounded off the night. It was wonderful, my sole complaints having been the refills and the cheese, but it was an experience I'm not liable to forget any time soon. I'm also not liable to relive it any time soon because, as said, fondue places don't come cheap. If you get the chance to try it out, do so. It'll be an unforgettable experience, for sure.

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Game Reviews: Five Nights at Freddy's 2

This is kind of a foregone conclusion, isn't it? The explosively popular indie-horror title created single-handedly by one Scott Cawthon, was not only popular enough to merit a sequel, but also that sequel takes everything about the first game that made it immersive, terrifying, and fun, and ramps it up to 10 - in more ways than one.

The basic premise is that Freddy Fazbear's Pizza not only did not close (the devil looks after his own, I guess), but instead has reopened at a new location with an even bigger budget than before - the floor plan for the building is markedly larger, which means more cameras to manage this go around. Using a tablet, you can monitor cameras in the building to see where the animatronic characters are spooking about, as each seems bound and determined to get into your room. Oh yeah, that's a thing too: there's no doors in this game. Your office has one main doorway, leading down a very long hallway that incorporates most of the building, giving you warning about who's heading your way at any given time. Well, it does one third of the time - to the left and right of your desk are sets of open vents which for some sick reason are large enough to allow the animatronic characters free access to your room as well. It gets better, though, as the building cannot run out of power this time, so you'll never be shut into complete darkness. However, your flashlight (the thing you'll need to use a primary weapon - something about how light resets the animatronic's electronic brains when they have it flashed in their eyes is how you remove pests from your hallway) can. Coupled with a Freddy Mask - apparently Cawthon was tired of people asking why the night-watch couldn't just do that to avoid getting stuffed into a suit and decided to make it a mechanic - your battle against the robots is a lot more pro-active. But there's another added wrinkle: there's one camera tied to a music box. And you want to keep it wound at all times. Just trust me on this one.

Now with a mixture of more things to keep tabs on, more animatronics than just the original four (including two or three you likely won't see coming until it's very nearly too late) and an element of resource management makes the game have a furious, unforgiving pace, but I think that's for it's own benefit overall. The sequel is much harder than its predecessor, but the game is much more skill-oriented and loses a great deal of that "blind dumb luck" element that made harder difficulties in the first game boil down to simply hoping the random number generator plays ball. Effectively juggling the elements of the mask, flashlight, camera, and music box is essential to survive. On a personal note, without the doors between me and them, even while wearing that Freddy mask, the animatronic enemies standing but on the other side of a rather small desk from me as they pass by came off as more visceral and terrifying due to proximity. Unlike the doors, the mask comes as small comfort (to me anyway) especially as two or three animatronic characters aren't fooled by it at all, meaning wearing it can also become a liability - you cannot use your tablet or flashlight at the same time. There's no perfect defense in this game, you have to be proactive even though you never leave your desk. You have to change your strategies on the fly and not knowing just how many things want you stuffed into a spare Freddy costume (side effects include: death) put me on edge for the entire rollercoaster ride. Not having a means to just shut both doors and weep in the fetal position in this game means there's no rest for the weary night watchman. It's probably the most scared a video game has ever made me feel before in my life - and I love scary games!

From an aesthetic standpoint, it's superior to the first in every way. The visuals look better, the kill screens are more fluid and less jerky, the designs overall are just really sharp and add to the oppressive atmosphere of what's supposed to be the happiest and safest place on Earth. The audio cues, too, are much more meaningful - as they'll be your first defense in knowing when danger approaches. You'll be listening to things like a metallic banging in the vents, or for small other cues that indicate the approach of certain characters - each who obey certain rules. Like the first game, there's no ambiance or background music which only causes the tension to mount faster. Additionally, this game also plays up the background story details that the first game only hinted at previously, giving clues of a terrible fate that befell Freddy's before. Without giving too much away: in order to see everything there is in the game, you will need to lose a couple times.

The mechanics are solid, and fast-paced, giving the player no time to rest. The story is grim and full of mystery and intrigue. The sounds and visuals are top-notch, and the horror factor is through the roof. Best yet, the game is available on Steam for just $7.99, making it an amazing value for an amazing experience. If you're a fan of the horror genre, you will not be disappointed. Are you ready for Freddy?

[jeffsreviewcorner-blog]

Book Reviews: The Dig

What’s most surprising to me about this is the fact that no one’s ever heard of it and yet some major names threw their weight behind it. Steven Spielberg aided in its early writing and later post-production, George Lucas’s company handled rights for a PC game and the writers for both the game and novel worked on episodes of Star Trek and the Alien movies. With that kind of backing, one would assume it would’ve been a bigger deal than it was.

Of course, The Dig has an unusual history. It was originally written as an issue for “Amazing Stories” – a sci-fi magazine. However, the idea was so well-liked that it was taken and developed into a point-and-click adventure game which suffered numerous delays and having been abandoned twice before a third company completed and released it. Gamers might be interested to know that it was the second-to-last game developed with the game engine/programming code SCUMM and was even homage as such when the main character’s palm pilot was called “Pen Ultimate”.

Eventually, the game was released properly in 1995 and the book around the same time. The two are not entirely consistent for obvious reasons (for example, the game starts around the equivalent to the book’s chapter 5) but it’s curious to note that this is the first time I’ve ever had it where the back of the book actually had screenshots from the game on it. Further examples would be their respective cover art: the book has four characters present (as the game did in its second iteration) while the game has three.

Anyways, the book opens up with the unveiling of a massive meteor named Attila (after the Mongol warlord) because this rock’s particular destination is also Europe. A scientist speaks with the President of the United States and convinces him to set aside the then-present tensions with Russia to put together an international plan to redirect the oncoming rock with low-wield nuclear devices and move it into a stable orbit around Earth – essentially making Attila a second moon. The price of failure would not be a cataclysm, but it would be less than pleasant. While the measurements of the meteor are not entirely consistent it easily fits a Category 9 on the Torino Scale. For reference, the Tunguska Event was an 8.

They round together the best crew they can manage, starting with the eldest member of the crew – Boston Low. He had been onboard a shuttle that would’ve been doomed in anyone else’s hands, but Low landed it and survived to tell the tale. Because of his record, he was the natural pick – in spite of his hesitance. Next we’re introduced to Ludger Brink – a German man with a specialty in geology. He plays a sort of comic relief character early on and complements Low’s solid, stern disposition exceedingly well.

The third major cast member is Maggie Robbins. To tell the truth, even after reading the book and playing the game, I’m still not sure how I feel about this character. She’s a go-to reporter with a spinal column of granite to have done the things she’s claimed to have done, but I cannot for the life of me shake the mental image of a little, yappy dog trying to make itself look bigger than it really is. Either that or I just really want to roll up a newspaper and swat her with it because she can come off as rather irksome. I get the feeling that for most, you either love her or hate her on the spot.

The crew also has Ken Borden and Cora Miles but they’re largely ignored or forgotten after the crew arrives, which is sad as I rather liked the character of Cora. Once they do land on Attila, however, things take a turn for the weird. The blasts unveil that the meteor is more than half hollow and within, Low and his crew discover the remains of an ancient, alien world, filled with wondrous devices and creations so fantastic that they border on the magical. They even discover an amazing crystal that holds a fluid that holds the secret to reviving the dead. However, not all is well within Attila’s walls as the creators of such marvels are all gone and it’s strangely quiet.

To find out the truth about The Dig, you’ll have to read on for yourselves. The book has been out of print for a while now, but copies float around in large numbers. I got my copy (a mint-condition hardcover no less) for about ten US dollars. The game also has been re-released onto the Steam network for about the same price. Either way you go, you can’t go wrong with this forgotten classic.

[jeffsreviewcorner-blog]

Movie Reviews: Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows is a film, largely spearheaded by the efforts of Johnny Depp, based on a soap opera that ran in the 1960’s and early 70’s. I never watched the show but my mother did, so we opted to go see the film together alongside my father who is neither a film critic nor a watcher of the original show but wanted to come along anyway.

The film’s first act happens in a hysterically rushed handful of scenes, desperately trying to hurl Barnabas Collins’ (Johnny Depp) backstory at the viewers as fast as it possibly can. It hurriedly details his family life, rise and fall in a New England town named after his successful family and its canning/seafood industry, but it does this entirely in the form of hurried, disjointed flashbacks narrated by Depp. The entire prologue segment zips by too quickly and no scene is particularly developed, so the audience is left with absolutely no reason to care about these characters in the first place.

The long and short of it is, due to slighting a girl of a lower class (who conveniently happens to have mastery over the dark arts), said girl named Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) places a curse on Barnabas, transforming him into a vampire. The Bram Stoker sort, not the Twilight sort. Still not fully convinced that she totally must be the right one for him, Angelique leads the town in rebellion against Barnabas, locking him in a steel coffin for close to 200 years, which conveniently enough is when the second act begins.

I assume because the first part of the story kind of blazes by, they decided to have the second part drag on for as long as possible, introducing each new additional character as tediously as they can. First of which is Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote) who has a very strange subplot about having a different birth name but that never goes anywhere. We then meet Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Haley) who is an alcoholic but that never goes anywhere either. Afterward we meet the distant, living relatives of the Collins clan, Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), Roger (Johnny Lee Miller), David (Gulliver McGrath), Carolyn (Chloe Grace Moretz) and the live-in psychiatrist Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter), each with their own subplots. If you want to know: none of their subplots go anywhere either. I guess no one told the writing staff the idea is to have something relatable about the characters to draw you in, because every character in this movie is either is a unlikeable jerk or not given any development and remain 2D caricatures.

Because I hate giving spoilers I won’t reveal details, but the third act results in a whimper of a climax despite some decent buildup for an epic showdown. The resulting standoff lasts all too short a time and elements of it don’t even make sense, having had no forewarning about some of the aspects that end up playing into it. Lastly, calling the ending predictable is being far, far too generous.

What disappoints me is a movie like this should’ve been the pulling force to getting me to watch the rest of the Dark Shadows media, including a nigh-30 volume set of DVD collections, TV movies and more, but really I was bored to death. The humor is extremely hit-or-miss, most of the jokes being middle school-tier double entendres, several of which are dragged out entirely too long, ruining any vague humor value they could’ve had in the first place. Speaking of sex, Barnabas is extremely unsympathetic in no small part due to him sleeping with any and every non-related female lead, including one “supernatural” sex scene (with both actors in question fully dressed) where they were leaping and bouncing across an ornately-decorated room in what I assume was supposed to be comedic but, truth be told, I had long since grown bored with how this two-hour flick has dragged itself out with superfluous scenes like that one.

Not aiding was the remarkably shoddy CGI and makeup work, constantly taking me out of the story by how it would be used at inopportune times. The only effect that really works is one used on the villain (you’ll know it when you see it) despite it showing up awful late in the movie with no warning. Maybe you should’ve spent less on the disappointingly brief Alice Cooper cameo and more on making the effects stand out less. At its core, that’s the movie’s ultimate failing: too much time is spent on characters who are dismissed from the narrative with no particular impact (because we don’t care about them), jokes that don’t work, excessive low-brow humor and an obnoxiously long runtime that doesn’t dedicate enough time to properly illustrating a story or foreshadowing the twists the plot throws in ham-handedly.

Now, to be as thorough as possible, I asked the biggest Dark Shadows fan I know (which is to say, my mother) what she thought on the movie, to which she replied the movie isn’t 100% accurate to series canon (though a film really can’t be) and that Johnny Depp’s Barnabas was a dead-ringer for the original actor’s portrayal. Her bottom line was “Better than expected; didn’t expect much”. Take it as you will. See you next time.

[jeffsreviewcorner-blog]

Product Reviews: Malwarebytes Anti-Malware

For those who may not know, "malware" is the term used to describe any program which inhibits a computer's ability to function normally. Most people are familiar with the term "Antivirus" as a result, as viruses are among the most dangerous and commonplace family of malware. However, an antivirus and anti-malware are two different things, covering two very different roles. The antivirus can be summed up as the old guard, who knows the older threats and takes some learning to pick up on the newer ones, whereas an anti-malware serves to guard against the lesser, but more numerous and commonplace pests. The difference in home security and pest control.

Malwarebytes Anti-Malware is a program best used as a supplement to traditional antivirus software, not as a replacement. However, it is a supplement that every computer out there should have in its arsenal against all cyber threats. Malwarebytes comes in two flavors: a free edition and a premium license good for up to three PCs for one year which retails for just $29.99 USD. This not only makes it extremely economical but also some of the very best protection for the cost.

Malwarebytes' specialty is protection against the most common threats, particularly Adware (the stuff that causes pop-up windows and webpage redirects while browsing online) and Spyware (things like keyloggers, which are designed to compromise user information, particularly passwords, financial and identification information) and removal of the same. The scan takes under an hour's time even on very large hard drives (large in this case being 2 Terabytes) and the user interface is self-explanatory and aesthetically pleasing. Everything uses large, eye-catching buttons to make it so that explaining the program to a first-time user is extremely intuitive and simple. However, that simplicity does not compromise the program's effectiveness, which is undeniable.

Malwarebytes updates frequently (oftentimes twice a day) with the latest anti-malware definitions, meaning it's always up-to-date. The difference, however, is the free version must be updated by hand while premium edition users will get the benefit of automatic updates whenever the computer is online. This is a rather minor gripe, though, to help ensure a PC's overall health and well-being. It must be noted, though, that the most important difference in free and premium is that the free edition is a reactive scan that removes threats, and the premium version is an active scanner, which removes and prevents proactively. And even though it is an active scan, it is extremely resource-lite, resulting in a very small system footprint and eases use, especially when used in tandem with an antivirus program of choice (which tend to be a bit more resource-intensive).

Whatever antivirus you prefer, there is no denying the effectiveness and overall benefit of Malwarebytes Anti-Malware. It's cost-effective, user-friendly, and a handy tool in troubleshooting computer problems and preventing malicious programs from getting a foothold on your system. I cannot merely recommend the program - it is a must-have for any computer user, regardless of computer literacy level or computer use. If you connect your computer to the internet at any time, be sure to take care and protect it from threats - and Malwarebytes is a great step in ensuring just that.